Staying away from an abusive man. Please can you help?

[Vinnyinny]

I've been in an abusive relationship with a man for about a year. We broke up about 8 weeks ago because I stood up to his manipulation and he ended it. Telling me that it was all my fault. It's always my fault.

He's controlling. He can't bear my ex husband (father of my children) and tells me how to conduct my relationship with him. He can't bear that I have a sexual past and has shamed me numerous times for it. He has been sexually coercive himself, expecting certain sex acts from me and becoming moody and manipulative when I don't want to.

He has been cruel, mocking me, swearing at me close to my face, shouting. Banging his head against my wall in an argument. Using my own hand to hit me round the face (not hard) when I did something he didn't like. Arguing with me for hours when he doesn't get his own way, exhausting me until I accept full responsibility for something.

After 8 weeks of him having therapy and showing signs of understanding and change, he reverted back last night and told me I was defensive and toxic because I didn't want to talk about my ex anymore and I got annoyed that he had brought him up and tried to blame me for the way that he treats me. More hours of him ending it for good, telling me the only way he could see himself with me is if I go away and think about how I can meet his needs, and that I need to accept fault in the relationship. It was relentless. I ended it this morning. I asked him to not contact me and I blocked him. But I already miss him. I love him. And I'd love for him to not abuse me. And I know I'll be so tempted to unblock him and try again. How do I stop myself?

The beginning of the relationship was so good. He love bombed the hell out of me. The connection was great, the sex was great. I felt like he was the one. I feel traumatised.

"I ended it this morning. I asked him to not contact me and I blocked him. But I already miss him. I love him. And I'd love for him to not abuse me. And I know I'll be so tempted to unblock him and try again. How do I stop myself?"

By going cold turkey and blocking him on all channels. Keep yourself busy and throw yourself into rebuilding your own life and loving your own self for a change. Your children also need you full attention now because they've also suffered by you seeing your abuser for a year. You need to delete all traces of him from your phone and all social media.

You do not really miss him nor do you love him; you miss the highs and crashing lows associated with this abusive relationship and you've become addicted to it. You remain very much trauma bonded to this narcissistic man who has basically idealised, devalued and discarded you. He targeted you and deliberately so in order to abuse you by love bombing you from the get go. Eight weeks of therapy was never going to work on him ; at the very least this man needs YEARS of therapy and that is unlikely to ever happen. The abusive man who hurt you now is who he really is; all the stuff before from him was an act designed to draw you in and an act he could never hope to ever maintain.

Do read this article by Dr Joe Carver called the Loser:
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do this in person preferably. Do also contact Womens Aid for their support.

What Atilla said.

Rationalise the emotion as being a bit of a chemical soup your body's used to generating. You'll move on.

Have you ever given up sugar? At first you miss it. Then you realise you actually feel better without it. Then when you eat some cake, you realise it's actually not very nice.
It's a bit like that.

Put some steps in place to make it easier.
Book in treats like a cinema trip with a friend, fill your time.
Block his numbers.
Be out a lot.
Have a list of why it's a bad idea to speak to him that you read whenever you're tempted.
A list of treats/distractions for low moments.

Take the effort out of avoid8ng him, organise him away.

What you need to understand is that he WANTS to abuse you op. It's not lack of control, it's a tactic to keep control.

He knows what he is doing and intends to do it. He just doesn't want you to know that.

It may be hard to understand why anyone could mean such cruelty for their partners. But I'm sure you have met a bully before right? Because that's what he is. They like hurting people to make themselves feel powerful.

Therapy can't fix that shit. He will never change because its just who he is. And he enjoys it.

Let that sunk in, he is someone who gets pleasure from other people suffering. Stay far away from anyone loke that.

I'm sorry but the good stuff was all part of the con to keep you thinking there must be good in him and he much just be mentally ill. Its not mental illness, its psychopathy. Or similar.

Keep him blocked.

Also 'the beginning of the relationship was good. He lovebombed the hell out of me'Well then, it wasn't good. It was unhealthy from the start. You just didn't maybe know it was a red flag back then.

Now you know what lovebombing is and can see it's often part of the cycle of abuse. Next time you'll be able to run a mile from anyone who tries that bs.

Thank you. I've read the Loser. I can identify a lot of those behaviours in him. I've read 'Why Does He Do That?', it made me cry it was so accurate. I think I just tripped over the very quick change to 'I know I'm an abuser, I'll get help, it's not your fault' narrative that he has told me so regularly for the last 8 weeks. I had faith that he could do it. He's extremely bright. But last night showed me that nothing has changed. He told me I wasn't giving him enough credit. That he's changed. That what he was doing wasn't abuse and that I was defensive and toxic.

I have felt like I'm going crazy all day today. And not for the first time. But thank you. I will try my absolute hardest to not soften and unblock him.

Luckily I don't live near him. I have my own home and my own job and my two kids and a nice life. After a long and somewhat abusive marriage, I felt like I was ready for love again. So this has really thrown me. I'd love to have a loving partner that makes me feel safe.

Good on you for getting him gone though. Focus on you and the little ones for now.

Unfortunately once you've had one abuser in your life you can make it easier for another one to sneak their way in.

It's good that you're doing the reading. I'd take a while single and just keep reading up on how to spot them (especially signs early on) before dating again.

You don't need a man anyway. They're just supposed to add a little spice to your life. Certainly not a fuckton of stress like the last two assholes.

You're enough just the way you are. Any prick who tells you otherwise, doesnt belong in your life.

You’re amazing, you have done exactly what needed to be done. It is hormones, of course you miss him, he love bombed you and you think ‘If only he could be like this all the time’ when he’s being nice to you. You deserve someone who treats you that well ALL the time. He’s abusive. How dare he go on about you having a sex life before him, he knew you had children.

Be strong, OP, you need him like you need a hole in the head. Imagine the sheer nastiness he shows you: could you expose your children to that? He’d wear you down and make you doubt yourself, you’d be a shadow of yourself very soon.

Imagine your daughter coming to you about this relationship. What would your advice be?

Write a list of all of the things he's done that were/are abusive. When you want to contact him or miss him, read the list and remind yourself that you don't miss him, you miss what you wanted him to be.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further got at by this abusive man now. Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom programme would be a course of action I would recommend.

Be on your own, it s better than being with a tosspot.

You need time and space away from dating and relationships entirely to rebuild your life along with raising your weakened boundaries. Seek counselling from the likes of Womens Aid and consider too what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Love your own self for a change.

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

If I had a daughter, I would say to her that she is worthy of healthy love, and that this is not love. I would suggest to her that she needs space to heal from this abuse and to understand how important her own boundaries are. I would tell her it's not her fault and that I am there for whatever she needs.

I grew up in an abusive household. My stepfather was coercive and controlling and violent. He died when I was 13. Only then did my mother escape.

I have therapy and have had for a long time, but boundaries scare me. I'm scared of the repercussions of standing up for myself. Even blocking him scares me. I'm worried I've made the wrong decision. Maybe there was more I could have done etc. etc. It will be that weakness of thought that will threaten my resolve to keep him blocked. Which is why I'm asking for advice. I'm so grateful for it. Really.

but boundaries scare me. I'm scared of the repercussions of standing up for myself

Boundaries aren't about standing up for yourself. You don't need to fight, argue, stick to your guns, defend or explain yourself. All you have to do to maintain boundaries is to distance yourself from anybody who makes you feel you need to assert your boundaries. Anybody who makes you doubt your decisions. Anybody you feel crazy with.

Your life is made of ingredients. You get to choose what they are. If you choose an ingredient that makes you feel crazy sometimes, then voila, you will feel crazy sometimes. Stop choosing that ingredient. That's what being responsible for yourself is; actually taking responsibility for shepherding your own emotions to places of safety, and away from difficulty.

See your emotions as a little kid. They are, really, as you know. They can get out of control quite easily, and have tantrums and rages. They can be made happy by the tiniest of things. Look after them as if you were looking after a child. No more 'I feel sad, but I don't know if I should, and I feel guilty for indulging myself'. Move onto 'Oh, I feel sad, poor me. Can I take myself somewhere nice or distract myself with something fun and lovely? Do I need to rest, maybe, or would ice cream help...?' Look after your feelings. Pay attention to them. Listen to them. There's a little girl inside you who's never been heard. She's been silenced all her life. She says things like 'This feels wrong', but you try to shut her up and carry on. Now she's screaming at you because you never listen, and that's why you feel crazy sometimes. If you listen to her, she'll start to calm down, just like any angry and upset child. If you listen to her, she'll tell you she's not comfortable with him, and she'll warn you of any future boundary-breaking types. She is your heart. If you don't listen to her, who are you?

Thank you - that made me emotional to read. It's a lovely way of putting it. The walking on eggshells was a very difficult part of this relationship for me- knowing it felt so so wrong, having a physical reaction to being around him when he was in a mood. Scared of it kicking off into a marathon argument. I tried to say I was unhappy once. I was told it was my fault. His reaction was to list off all the things I had done to him to make him behave the way he was. 14 different things. It took him over 45 minutes and I wasn't allowed to interrupt. I ended up apologising. That's the extent to which I was prepared to ignore my own instincts on how wrong this relationship was. I really need to do some serious work on listening to myself.

You sound well rid of this dick head loser. He's slapped you, sworn at you, mocks you, think of these thing's and how horrid he made you feel in those moment's. He is vile specimen. You've got this onwards and upwards x

Please stay strong, he sounds like a total bore apart from any of his other awful qualities - 45 minute monologue telling you what you had done wrong - strewth!

I really need to do some serious work on listening to myself

For me, it helped to realise that I actually didn't need to do any serious work. Sorting all the mess out seemed such a mountain to climb, and it was very daunting. When I realised I could simply not pick up the phone or I could simply walk out of the room or I could simply walk out of the house or I could simply not respond to a message, I realised that the mountain was already climbed. I knew what I felt, so there was no work to be done there. And 'listening' isn't necessary. If you feel bad, you walk off. That's it. That's the whole thing. I save me thousands in therapy, I'm sure.

Working from the basis that we have a lot about ourselves to fix is what causes the problem in the first place.

There's nothing wrong with you, OP. You are a completely standard, ordinary, normal human, with a standard and normal range of emotions. If someone makes you feel like shit, you don't like it, and that's a demonstration of healthy boundaries. It's all there, in full force. There's no work to be done on fixing you, changing you, making you better, making you understand more... nothing. All you have to do is change your actions. Feel crap? Walk away. Horrible message? Don't respond. Unwelcome phone call? Don't pick up. And that's all you have to do.

You don't need to work on yourself: you need to work on the company you keep. I remember realising that the only thing wrong with me was my partner. So liberating! I mean, do you feel crazy with other people, or just him? Because if it's just him, there's an easy solution to never feeling crazy again.

My ex can make me feel confused, but I divorced him and keep him at arms length. My best friend was controlling and I went no contact. I am generally slow to respond to those feelings (20 years in the case of my ex husband), but I do get there. This guy is the only person in my life that makes my brain feel like mush. My therapist tells me to just say no to behaviour I don't like. I tried that. He told me I was defensive and toxic and not allowing him to express his feelings.

It really helps to be able to write these things down and to have so much support from people on here. I have felt so alone today. My kids have been away for 2 weeks with their dad. But I get to see them tomorrow, and I can't wait. So that's something to look forward to.

My therapist tells me to just say no to behaviour I don't like. I tried that. He told me I was defensive and toxic and not allowing him to express his feelings

Why does his response matter? If he told you you were a martian with 6 legs and hair made of custard, you'd think he'd lost it, wouldn't you, because you know that's not true. And then you'd discard his opinion. So why don't you think he's lost it (and his opinion can be discarded) when he tells you you're toxic etc?

I grew up in an abusive home and have had several abusive relationships. My last abusive relationship was agonising and when we split up I thought that I’d die of grief.

Five years later and I look back and think how sad it was that I let him treat me like that. I will never let another person abuse me again.

It takes courage and strength but it is worth it.

Sounds all too familiar.

ESP the bit where he said "go away and think about how I can meet his needs"

I, like you, ended things early august still struggle now with the trauma bond. Google it. Someone on here sent a helpful link makes you understand what you're going through is almost like a type of addiction.

I'd love for him to not abuse me

I’m sure you would but it’s just not going to happen.

This guy is the only person in my life that makes my brain feel like mush

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with that feeling? Anytime you get into any kind of exchange with this person you are allowing him to inject poison into your mind and soul.

With some people there is nothing to be done but to turn your back and cut off cold. Choose yourself, choose your children and choose your peace of mind.

The beginning of the relationship was so good. He love bombed the hell out of me. The connection was great, the sex was great. I felt like he was the one.

None of this is real. He's a creepy abusive fakir who's created this false fake scenario to reel you in and then attack you. Perhaps once you recognise and accept that you can start to move forward. Don't give him another minute of your time.

I'm so sorry to hear this. To have abuse run through your life is so hard. It's wonderful to hear that you're free. I can't wait to feel free.

That bit just felt surreal. He ended it, telling me he couldn't be with me now or ever, and then started telling me all the ways I needed to behave to change his mind. I hadn't asked for that, and not had I asked for him to reconsider. I think I might as well have not been on the call at that point. It felt like madness.

I'm sorry to hear that you still struggle with the trauma bond. Can I ask if there's anything that makes it easier for you? Do you have support?

*nor had I asked him to reconsider