Staying away from an abusive man. Please can you help?

[Vinnyinny]

I've been in an abusive relationship with a man for about a year. We broke up about 8 weeks ago because I stood up to his manipulation and he ended it. Telling me that it was all my fault. It's always my fault.

He's controlling. He can't bear my ex husband (father of my children) and tells me how to conduct my relationship with him. He can't bear that I have a sexual past and has shamed me numerous times for it. He has been sexually coercive himself, expecting certain sex acts from me and becoming moody and manipulative when I don't want to.

He has been cruel, mocking me, swearing at me close to my face, shouting. Banging his head against my wall in an argument. Using my own hand to hit me round the face (not hard) when I did something he didn't like. Arguing with me for hours when he doesn't get his own way, exhausting me until I accept full responsibility for something.

After 8 weeks of him having therapy and showing signs of understanding and change, he reverted back last night and told me I was defensive and toxic because I didn't want to talk about my ex anymore and I got annoyed that he had brought him up and tried to blame me for the way that he treats me. More hours of him ending it for good, telling me the only way he could see himself with me is if I go away and think about how I can meet his needs, and that I need to accept fault in the relationship. It was relentless. I ended it this morning. I asked him to not contact me and I blocked him. But I already miss him. I love him. And I'd love for him to not abuse me. And I know I'll be so tempted to unblock him and try again. How do I stop myself?

The beginning of the relationship was so good. He love bombed the hell out of me. The connection was great, the sex was great. I felt like he was the one. I feel traumatised.

I think I might have met my first pinch point of the week- the time when he would normally be coming over and I would be excited to see him/have some company and some comfort. Stupid because there was no knowing what mood he would be in and there were times when I would be so anxious in case he turned up annoyed. And for the final few weeks of our relationship he picked fights with me over everything. So it was hardly idyllic. Surely loneliness is better than that?

Yes it is @Vinnyinny it really is better than that. My ex was the same they pick fights over small things. Never know the mood they'll be in and why, if I went out I'd dread coming home / dread him coming home from work it was draining.

Sometimes they reverse discard you. Narcs, will treat you so bad you wanna leave then point the fingers at you for leaving.

What was it you needed comforting from, OP? Work out what he was giving you, or what you hoped he would give you, or what he used to give to you that you valued, and he stopped.

When you work out where his worth was for you, you'll be able to replace him.

Being on your own isn't lonely if you provide fulfilling and caring company for yourself, so your question isn't 'loneliness v him', it's 'loneliness v fulfilling my own needs so I feel fab'

OP I know from experience that you can feel far lonelier sat with the wrong person than you will ever feel being alone.

I think he offered me something for me. I have a fair few responsibilities and he absolutely showered me with love and help - he seemed so competent. He made most of the decisions and at first I felt like he was someone I could depend on. Then it became clear that he didn't like it when I made decisions and I started to lose my hard fought for independence. But the comfort was having an ally. And having someone to protect me. But again the protection was actually possessive. So I guess I'm mourning everything he offered at first. I'm mourning the hope he gave me that I could have a companion who loved and desired me.

I'm learning to sit in the discomfort a bit more. I'm hoping that if I don't go reaching out for him or someone else in order to comfort me I will get to the stage where I can do it for myself. It's just hard, this.

Thank you for your kind responses. They mean a lot.

Don’t give this man a second thought. Focus on enjoying your children and their lovely childhoods. They’ll be over in a flash.

Well done for breaking free. If it hasn't already been said, if you ever feel you're weakening, just read your original post to remind yourself.

Good luck!

So I guess I'm mourning everything he offered at first. I'm mourning the hope he gave me that I could have a companion who loved and desired me.

You're mourning the death of the dream of what you thought he was. But dreams are never reality, and he was never who he portrayed himself to be. But it's still OK to mourn. You just have to keep reminding yourself that the dream was never 'real'. But don't mourn your 'hope'. There's nothing wrong with hoping that you will find your Mr Right. Just remember that Mr Right is never Mr Perfect, and we need to learn to see someone clearly and judge their pros and cons. To listen to our instincts and not yield too much of our 'self' too soon.

I'm hoping that if I don't go reaching out for him or someone else in order to comfort me I will get to the stage where I can do it for myself. It's just hard, this.

This is very wise of you!! You already realize that you need to be self-sufficient, happy with who you are and able to 'comfort' yourself and take care of your own emotional needs. That the perfect person to make you happy is....YOU! It takes many of us years of disappointment and years of counseling before we realize this. You're already well on your journey, all you need to do is keep on walking.

I'm really having to hold on this evening. I'm so sad. Sorry to ask for a hand hold, but it's what I need I'm afraid. I was added to a WhatsApp group related to my son's activity and my ex was part of that group. As soon as he saw that I had been added he left. I feel gutted. It's made me so upset and I don't know why. I miss him and I feel so low. I feel like he's broken me. Why on Earth is this so hard? I didn't even feel like this when I ended my 10 year marriage. It's got my heart beating fast, I'm so anxious.

Think specifically about what actions he would take to make you feel better, that you're missing right now. Can you do any of those for yourself? Even kisses and cuddles can be somewhat replicated by snuggling up with hot chocolate under a big blanket with a reassuring film...

Replace him, in every way you can. Be what he gave you, yourself.

Thank you @Watchkeys - I've messaged a friend instead of him, spoken to my mum, had a cry and poured a glass of wine. He would have given me validation for the way I'm feeling, for a bit. Then he would have taken it away and started to blame me. He perhaps would have cuddled me all night, but I have a brilliant staffy who is quite happy to steal 3/4 of the bed from me 😊.

So maybe I should cut the blame part out and just give myself validation. This is hard. It will pass. It's ok for me to feel like this. It's not my fault that he abused me.

Remember that list I told you to write, the one with all the shitty things he's done to you? This is the time to get that list out and read it. Over and over if you must. But the written reminders of what a bastard he is right in front of you can help you to deal with this.

"This is hard. It will pass. It's ok for me to feel like this. It's not my fault that he abused me."

Just keep saying this over and over. And treat yourself kindly. Be careful with the wine. It's made me make phone calls I later regretted.

Ok, I'm going to read the list. I know it'll shift me out of this self pity. It's easier when I'm angry at the way he treated us. It stops me from reaching out to him. I guess that every time I go through these darker moments, I become better equipped at dealing with them. Thank you.

This won't be a nice thing to do but it will help.

Read this back:

My oldest said that I wasn't the same when my ex was here, but that he didn't ever feel confused or scared by him. My youngest said that he did feel confused sometimes. And he's sad that my ex had said he wouldn't hurt me anymore, but then hurt me again.

I apologised to them both. I told my youngest he would never feel that confusion again and that I was making choices to keep us all safe. That I would protect him at all costs and that I love him. That it wasn't his fault.

To speak to this man would be to break the promise you made your lovely boys.

You cannot let that happen so you cannot ever contact him again.

Thank you @monsteramunch it helps to read that. When I think about my children it's a no brainer. I'm so much more at ease with them when he's not here. Not walking on eggshells, not navigating his needs. I can be so much more generous with them and the time I spend with them. He often would lie in bed in a mood when the kids were here. I'd be going upstairs to him and he'd stonewall me, or tell me I wasn't meeting his needs, and then I'd come downstairs and try to meet the kids' needs. And then when they went to bed there would be hours of fighting where he would say there was no space for him and his needs. He would threaten to leave but then not leave. I was exhausted. If I asked him to leave me alone so I could sleep, he would be so unhappy with me.

It helps to write these things down. It seems terrible when I write them down.

You are doing well but ask yourself what is so bad about being "alone forever". Nobody needs to have a partner, and especially if that partner is abusive. Why are you so scared of being alone?

So sorry you are going through this but you are doing exactly the right thing for you and your kids. I know it is hurting now but you will get through it and think of the life you and your children will have then, free of his bullshit and all the anxiety he caused. Things will get better, I promise.

@Hbh17 I've not really been alone. I started a relationship with my ex husband when I was 16. It lasted 21 years. I think my mindset is that I can't do life alone. Truth is that I've achieved so much in the last 4 years- I now own my own home, I got a promotion. I took the kids away alone. I just feel this need to share it all with someone. But I know I need to get comfortable with being alone. I don't like that I have this idea that I need someone.

Thank you @Crazycatlady75 😊

He would have given me validation for the way I'm feeling

This is the key you need. Read lots and lots about self-validation. The way you feel right now is a reflection of who you are as a person: totally normal, in the nicest possible way. Nothing odd or strange, nothing worthy of poor treatment, nothing that asks for, deserves, or warrants trouble. Nothing to be blamed for or upset with.

You are just right, just as you are, and you feel this way because you have natural human responses to things, and a bad thing has happened, so your feeling is 'bad'.

When I was first learning to self validate, I physically would hug myself. It sounds really wanky, but honestly, just performing the act of giving and receiving a hug to and from myself was really symbolic. It's not a good hug, but the intention contains all you need. 'I'm huggable' is a really sweet message to offer yourself, right now. Staffys help, too

Ok, I'll set myself a mission for the week to read up on self-validation and try to give myself the hug that I would normally seek from him. He often used to refuse it anyway, so I'll try to not refuse it for myself.

My Staffy never refuses a hug. He's the best 😊

Knowing that you will never be refused a hug again... isn't that reassuring?

Yes. It is. I've chosen to keep his cruelty away from me and my children. It's a good choice. I've wobbled all day, but I haven't given up. Your words definitely help. I appreciate them. Thank you.

Stay away for your own sake it will get worse. X

@Vinnyinny I'm going through the same thing. This time I saw the signs and walked out before it could escalate further but some days (like today) I miss him so much. Will absolutely not go back for more but God it's painful at times. Ride the waves.