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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying away from an abusive man. Please can you help?

196 replies

Vinnyinny · 28/10/2022 17:39

I've been in an abusive relationship with a man for about a year. We broke up about 8 weeks ago because I stood up to his manipulation and he ended it. Telling me that it was all my fault. It's always my fault.

He's controlling. He can't bear my ex husband (father of my children) and tells me how to conduct my relationship with him. He can't bear that I have a sexual past and has shamed me numerous times for it. He has been sexually coercive himself, expecting certain sex acts from me and becoming moody and manipulative when I don't want to.

He has been cruel, mocking me, swearing at me close to my face, shouting. Banging his head against my wall in an argument. Using my own hand to hit me round the face (not hard) when I did something he didn't like. Arguing with me for hours when he doesn't get his own way, exhausting me until I accept full responsibility for something.

After 8 weeks of him having therapy and showing signs of understanding and change, he reverted back last night and told me I was defensive and toxic because I didn't want to talk about my ex anymore and I got annoyed that he had brought him up and tried to blame me for the way that he treats me. More hours of him ending it for good, telling me the only way he could see himself with me is if I go away and think about how I can meet his needs, and that I need to accept fault in the relationship. It was relentless. I ended it this morning. I asked him to not contact me and I blocked him. But I already miss him. I love him. And I'd love for him to not abuse me. And I know I'll be so tempted to unblock him and try again. How do I stop myself?

The beginning of the relationship was so good. He love bombed the hell out of me. The connection was great, the sex was great. I felt like he was the one. I feel traumatised.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2022 15:55

A good thing to remember is that at some point he'll find another 'victim' and then he'll leave you alone.

It's hard work and takes time for an abuser to find someone and then 'train'' them to be a victim. So they threaten, coerce, sweet talk, and use their whole arsenal of tricks to lure you back so they don't have to do all that work. I'm sure he's already looking for the next one, but he also doesn't want to lose the victim he's already 'trained'. So just stand strong and don't give in to your 'weaker' instincts. In time, he will get it through his thick head that you aren't his victim anymore and won't be lured back.

Pinkbonbon · 08/11/2022 15:58

Depressing that that's 'a good thing' isn't it? Him moving onto a next victim.

You have to sometimes watch out even then because when that one dumos them they tend to try and sniff about their exs again. But hopefully by then you'll just find him laughable and pathetic.

Original poster
Vinnyinny · 10/11/2022 17:30

I've spoken to the police today. He tried to call me after he emailed me (I have no idea what happened with the stupid blocking. He's definitely blocked now though).

I'm not taking any chances with this. So I reported it all and it's now on record. I'm relieved. And a bit upset that it's come to this.

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 10/11/2022 17:36

You stop yourself by reading back your post and saying what we are all thinking, why would I want a relationship with such a twat, he brings nothing to the table except misery and you deserve better and so do your children, they have no choice but you do, have better standards for yourself and for your children, so they grow up to value themselves, X

monsteramunch · 10/11/2022 17:56

Vinnyinny · 10/11/2022 17:30

I've spoken to the police today. He tried to call me after he emailed me (I have no idea what happened with the stupid blocking. He's definitely blocked now though).

I'm not taking any chances with this. So I reported it all and it's now on record. I'm relieved. And a bit upset that it's come to this.

Well done OP, that's the right thing to do I think. You've got a record started now in case you need it and it also means you'll feel more determined to stick to no contact so that you aren't going back on what you've said to the police.

Keep going, keep focusing on your kids and the future you can now enjoy Flowers

LemonDrop22 · 10/11/2022 18:33

If the pans are annoying you, leave them at a family member of friend's house and get them to text him saying they've got them and he can collect them there ....if you can find anyone willing to do that.

LemonDrop22 · 10/11/2022 18:34

The fucking neck on him demanding tickets you bought him after the relationship has broken down, due to him.

More of the same.

Original poster
Vinnyinny · 10/11/2022 19:24

I've sorted the pans. I'm undecided on the tickets. He could take me to small claims for them if they were a gift. I wouldn't put it past him.

What I would say is just how important it's been to have been seen and believed when it comes to what was predominantly emotional abuse. That's the part that's hard to explain and hard to understand and yet, as I've opened up to people about it, I've only been met with kindness and support. I'm so grateful for that. The police were excellent.

I'd like to start the process of moving on from this. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like. I'm just taking it one day at a time at the moment. Thank you for all your kindness though. I don't think I would have taken the action I have so far if I hadn't had this place to come to for support and advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vinnyinny · 10/11/2022 19:26

LemonDrop22 · 10/11/2022 18:34

The fucking neck on him demanding tickets you bought him after the relationship has broken down, due to him.

More of the same.

This made me laugh. The fucking neck on him is about right Grin

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 10/11/2022 20:23

He would be laughed out of court over those tickets.

You don't owe anyone a gift just because you were going to give them one. Especially considering it was before you split. Return the tickets and get a refund. Or take someone else. They are your tickets, you bought them.

If you withheld them at the last minute and he had paid to get to the place and stay in a hotel assuming he would have the tickets THEN maybe he would have some sort of claim.

But he's not out of pocket and you bought the tickets so they are yours.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/11/2022 20:33

He could take me to small claims for them if they were a gift. I wouldn't put it past him.

No he couldn't!
How would he prove it, for starters?
& even if he could (old texts about it?) ... so what?
"She bought concert tickets, we split up, I am suing her to give me the tickets anyway"

Also - remember when the spoiled little bitch TOLD you the tickets didn't qualify as gifts! 😂

Teaandtoast35 · 10/11/2022 20:44

OP, I feel you. You have been manipulated and that is why you feel you love him. Read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and highlight every sentence or word that your exp does. That’s what I did, to help me stay away.

Original poster
Vinnyinny · 10/11/2022 22:15

I'm certain I have been manipulated. The only way I can see myself breaking away from the trauma bond I have with him is to stay completely disconnected from him. Even a whiff of contact feels so risky right now. I'm scared I'd fall for more bullshit and be pulled in to further abuse. I hated hearing that this was the only way at the beginning. But it really is the only way I can see myself being safe.

OP posts:
TheMorigoul · 11/11/2022 08:04

@Vinnyinny no contact is great. For me I didn't break a trauma bond until I realised what it was that kept me in a relationship where I wasn't being treated very well. It would go round and round my head whether we were in contact or not.
When I realised it was attachment and I didn't actually like a lot of the things he did/said I was over it. I could talk to him every day now and have no desire at all the get back with him. If my brain ever goes there with thinking of how things could have been I remind myself of the attachment I had with him and that attachment isn't love. That I became attached to him because he filled up holes that I should have filled up myself a long time ago. I'm filling those holes up myself now and it feels great.

rmummyofone · 11/11/2022 12:50

Idk if I've mentioned this on this thread before, but Dr Romani has a book out. In the book there are 30 questions if you answer yes to 15 of them you have likely dealt with a narcissist, if you answered yes to over 20 you have more than likely dealt with one (almost certainly)
There are videos on tiktok covering what these questions are.

I don't like to label someone with NPD but it helps me to understand what happened to me as our relationship followed the narc cycle.

You may find some books helpful, I have my eye on 2. "Why does he do that" and "this is how you heal"

If I read them I'll be happy to update you. Im happy to speak to you personally too, as I'm 3 months out and with a lot of (expensive) counselling I am finally feeling the trauma bond ease.

What happened happened FOR me. Not TO me.
This is a beautiful way to think. As hard as it may be right now, focus off of him as he sold you an illusion of potential. That is not real. It was to keep you trapped with him and accept his abuse. Dilute what he truly was.

Focus your energy on you. I hated when I read this or was told this but think of a goal you couldn't achieve while with him, however small it may have been, do it.

Sending you love and hugs. I promise there is light at the end, you're in the trenches right now so you can't see it, but it will come.

Pinkbonbon · 11/11/2022 13:06

Dr Romanis YouTube videos are really good, didn't know she had a book out :)

Just give yourself time op. A few weeks away from him and doing lots of reading and you'll find your anger. Once you find that you'll know it's over.

Original poster
Vinnyinny · 11/11/2022 17:13

@TheMorigoul thank you for this- how long did it take for you to break that bond? I'm so pleased to hear that you have and that you're able to give yourself what you need so as to never return to that situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vinnyinny · 11/11/2022 17:19

@rmummyofone thank you. I appreciate how supportive you are while going through your own recovery from abuse. I have read Why Does He Do That? And it was eye-opening. I might read it again and make notes as suggested to me, because I think I was a bit in denial about the situation when I read it before.

I'm reading 'Was It Even Abuse? Restoring Clarity After Covert Abuse' by Emma Rose Byham and it's excellent. I never have a pencil when I'm reading it, but I could write down so many examples from my own relationship in what she describes. One of the examples that upset me was how special occasions were ruined. My birthday and when I got a promotion. He didn't seem to be able to handle it being about me, and he monumentally ruined both celebrations. It was heartbreaking.

OP posts:
TheMorigoul · 11/11/2022 17:31

About a year. I went back a few times in that year. One day he twisted something round saying that I didn't like him for who he was (I was asking him not to shout at me) and I realised I didn't actually like him, told him I didn't actually like him and felt the most immense feeling of freedom. It was amazing!

Original poster
Vinnyinny · 11/11/2022 17:52

Wow. What a relief to be able to see that you didn't like him.

I've been thinking about what I like about my ex. I can't muster up much at the moment.

I remember having a similar experience with him where he was being overly critical and I asked him to stop and he said 'let me be me' quite a few times. I found it such a strange thing to say in response to me asking for kindness. He was literally telling me he was unable to be kind.

OP posts:
TheMorigoul · 12/11/2022 09:30

It definitely was. And don't ever let the doubt of expecting basic things like kindness, not being shouted at etc get in your head. It's not too much to ask for.

I consciously turn my thinking back to me if I think about my ex. I'm filling my own holes up. I'm not putting dead energy into thinking about what could have been if he had just been nicer/kinder/less selfish it doesn't matter why he was these things. We're not rehab centres for men, we don't need to teach men how to treat us.

Fill your holes so you don't become attached to another man who seems to fill them for you in the beginning. I'm filling my holes and my life is a million times better than what it was with my ex. I haven't cried or got so emotionally overwhelmed because of how someone is treating me in such a long time. It's great!

IrisAtwood · 13/11/2022 15:34

It took me years to overcome the trauma bond and no contact was key. The other thing I did was write a list of what I could remember him doing and when I wobbled I read through it again. That really helped.

It feels great to be away from him now.

Original poster
Vinnyinny · 13/11/2022 18:16

Thank you. I'm wobbling today. My kids aren't here and I feel quite lonely. I'm going to let myself wallow for an hour and then I'm going to have a bath and read my book.

He's left me alone, thankfully. And I have really good friends around me that are there if I need them. I just can't shake the longing feeling. It goes completely against what my head is telling me, which is that he's dangerous. It's like the root of me is being pulled towards him. I have honestly never felt so distressed by the end of a relationship before.

OP posts:
rmummyofone · 14/11/2022 09:13

Hold strong the trauma bond is so real 🥺

Watch YouTube videos on it, they're so relatable.

It gets better I promise. I'm 3 months out I look back and can't believe I felt that way to someone who literally ruined me

TheMorigoul · 14/11/2022 09:48

I found it helpful to say to myself - that's a feeling. Feelings aren't real, the feeling will pass. It sort of detaches you from it.