Staying away from an abusive man. Please can you help?

[Vinnyinny]

I've been in an abusive relationship with a man for about a year. We broke up about 8 weeks ago because I stood up to his manipulation and he ended it. Telling me that it was all my fault. It's always my fault.

He's controlling. He can't bear my ex husband (father of my children) and tells me how to conduct my relationship with him. He can't bear that I have a sexual past and has shamed me numerous times for it. He has been sexually coercive himself, expecting certain sex acts from me and becoming moody and manipulative when I don't want to.

He has been cruel, mocking me, swearing at me close to my face, shouting. Banging his head against my wall in an argument. Using my own hand to hit me round the face (not hard) when I did something he didn't like. Arguing with me for hours when he doesn't get his own way, exhausting me until I accept full responsibility for something.

After 8 weeks of him having therapy and showing signs of understanding and change, he reverted back last night and told me I was defensive and toxic because I didn't want to talk about my ex anymore and I got annoyed that he had brought him up and tried to blame me for the way that he treats me. More hours of him ending it for good, telling me the only way he could see himself with me is if I go away and think about how I can meet his needs, and that I need to accept fault in the relationship. It was relentless. I ended it this morning. I asked him to not contact me and I blocked him. But I already miss him. I love him. And I'd love for him to not abuse me. And I know I'll be so tempted to unblock him and try again. How do I stop myself?

The beginning of the relationship was so good. He love bombed the hell out of me. The connection was great, the sex was great. I felt like he was the one. I feel traumatised.

Totally normal, @Vinnyinny The thing about narcissistic abuse is that they play on your vulnerable bits; the deep down stuff. The stuff that really hurts. And all you do is keep trying to maintain the relationship, that's your only goal, at the expense of feeling dreadful about being repeatedly hurt right where it hurts most. Then, when the relationship ends, you don't even have the success of 'Well, at least I made the relationship work'. You have nothing. All your delicate bits have been left open and vulnerable, and there's no partner there with the eternal promise of 'turning back into the person you fell in love with'.

What you have to realise, and what will start to make you feel better, is that what you have isn't 'nothing'. What you have is you. You are a kind, sensitive, loving person (otherwise you wouldn't have forgiven someone who treated you so badly for so long), and now you can turn that treasure of kindness, sensitivity and loving directly onto yourself. You are in need. You are hurting. What would be the nicest thing anyone could do for you, right now? Do that for yourself. It might be to understand as you cry. It might be to distract you by taking you somewhere you've never been before. It might be offering you an endless Netflix binge and a bag of Minstrels the size of a pillow (that was mine!), but whatever it is, you can do it for you. You can offer it to yourself. That's the way out of this. Understand that there's nothing odd or unusual in what you're feeling, and nurture yourself until you start to feel better.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Obsessively reading the stuff on this site about boundaries may help too.

I agree with the other two posters, google "cognitive dissonance" Dr Ramani is great.
At 6 weeks I felt like you. I promise it gets worse before it gets better. Talk to friends and famiky, get validation. We often feel this way as we aren't validating our own truth. This was abuse.

The grief is v real. I read somewhere "your grief will be as deep as your love was" and that's very true. Don't be ashamed of that but what helped me get out of that was listing the good and the bad. When you compare the bad to the good you'll realise the good was good but will never excuse the bad.

I'm a message away if you need someone to talk to.

Thank you so much everyone. I think I wasn't expecting to feel this dire 6 weeks on. It feels like I've been dealing with this forever. It also feels like I'm being really dramatic, and that everyone around me is expecting me to have got it all together by now. If anything I feel like it's getting worse, so I am reassured by the idea that this is part of the process.

I'm going to look at all the links you've sent me- thank you. I'm also writing in a journal most days and trying to make sense of it all.

I can start to feel a bit of anger coming- I was walking my dog and had an memory of when he tried to tell me how my son was making him behave a certain way, and I shouted 'fuck you' a few times (not in the earshot of anyone but the dog). The idea that he'd rather blame my 10 year old for provoking his behaviour than take responsibility for it as an adult is disgusting to me.

But then, I miss him. And I imagine being cuddled by him and loved by him and it all feels very very fucked up.

It also feels like I'm being really dramatic

Did he have you feeling this way when you raised issues in the relationship/raised problems with his behaviour?

If I said I was unhappy with something, he would list out all the ways I had hurt him and led to him treating me the way that he was. One time we had had an argument which started with me saying I was concerned about something. He dragged it on for ages. As he was leaving I asked him for a hug. He got into bed with me and was clearly aroused. I was crying. We had sex and then he left. I've never felt so confused. I don't know why I allowed it. I remember thinking that I should stop it. That I was upset. But I didn't.

When I told him that the episode had upset and confused me, he told me that I didn't seem to understand cause and effect. I had led him to behave that way. I deserved it.

When I told him that the episode had upset and confused me, he told me that I didn't seem to understand cause and effect. I had led him to behave that way. I deserved it.

Don't be surprised by this. He's clearly a highly intelligent, experienced manipulator. He's quite also probably a malignant narc. And the only thing you have to remember about THAT is the word "malignant".

'Diagnosis' is immaterial. Analysis is immaterial.
The only material thing you need focus on is NC.

I had led him to behave that way

Nothing can make a person who loves you treat you badly. If you behave aggressively, unpleasantly, angrily, unkindly, cluelessly, a person who loves you will talk to you and ask you questions about what's happening for you, why you're feeling the way you are, why you're acting the way you are. If you're really destructive, they'll create distance between you and them.

Yes. That's the way I behave. If someone hurts me I talk to them about why. Or I try to. I've never abused someone when they've hurt me. I don't scream and shout and call names or swear. I try to treat people respectfully.

The thing is, I believed him when he said I had hurt him. Even though I know all of the above to be true about me. Cognitive dissonance is such a scary thing. Instead of believing that he was abusive, I believed that I was. I prioritised his 'truth' over mine.

Thank you for your support today. It's been a tough one and I needed this space to make sense of it. I appreciate it 😊

I prioritised his 'truth' over mine.

You're not the only one OP.
I look back with genuine gratitude for how much I've learned, & how I won't fall for it again.

I think in time I'll feel the same- wiser maybe, and grateful for the lesson. I got out reasonably quickly, I've protected my kids. It won't happen again. I'm doing the work I should have done a long time ago. All these things are positives.

I didn't think I'd make 6 weeks no contact. The clarity it's giving me is priceless.

'He has been cruel, mocking me, swearing at me close to my face, shouting. Banging his head against my wall in an argument. Using my own hand to hit me round the face (not hard) when I did something he didn't like. Arguing with me for hours when he doesn't get his own way, exhausting me until I accept full responsibility for something.'
This isn't love , your life will be so much better without someone like this.

I prioritised his 'truth' over mine

This is a brilliant realisation: it's the ultimate in self-disrespect. If you don't believe you, you can't live your life as you. You give yourself no solid foundation on which to live your life. You essentially make yourself not exist, except as a physical body. If you have trust and faith in your truth from now on, life will be better, in romantic relationships but in all others, too.

You are always right about you and your feelings. It doesn't matter why they happen. It doesn't matter if watching someone eat strawberry yoghurts makes you feel massive anger; it doesn't have to make sense. Anybody who respects you will try to understand, and try to find a compromise so that you don't keep getting hurt. Unless eating strawberry yoghurts (or however they're hurting you) is more important to them than you are, which would be a strong message for you.

I'm wondering if I can write some realisations out here and maybe get an insight into your views? It's been nearly 10 weeks since I cut contact, and I cannot believe the clarity about the relationship that I'm gaining. It's making me feel sick that I let this man near me. I'm so ashamed of what I allowed.

The latest one is really upsetting me though. I think he was cheating on me. Or at least setting himself up to cheat on me. He randomly booked a night into a hotel on his own telling me he needed to work. He stopped inviting me to his home (shared accommodation). We were in a pub together and he was searching for something on his phone and a picture of a topless woman appeared on it. He gave a load of excuses, and then turned it on me, telling me he had to trust me going out with my best friend for a meal etc, so he's changing and I should trust him.

He slipped a couple of times and said that he'd cheated in pretty much all his relationships. He also weirdly told me that he was surprised I hadn't ever questioned his faithfulness given what I had been through in the past (my ex cheated on me numerous times).

I feel so stupid that I didn't see it at the time. I brushed every single one of these things off. It feels like madness.

Please can I have your views?

Yes, you can have my view.
The cunt was triangulating you against imaginary or real women, & attempting to make you do the Pick-Me Dance, whether he had cheated or not.

He was boundary-testing your reaction, to see how hard he needed to push you - hard enough to get the response he wanted, not too hard that you decided to leave him.

Look at all those little nudges he gave you. That was to undermine your confidence, to make you doubt your attractveness to him, your ability to 'keep him interested' ... & to dance harder for him.

It's making me feel sick that I let this man near me. I'm so ashamed of what I allowed.

You can stop doing this RIGHT NOW young lady.

You know what coercive control is now.
Do you also know what Stockholm Syndrome & brainwashing are?
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22447726
www.smithsonianmag.com/history/true-story-brainwashing-and-how-it-shaped-america-180963400/

The concept of brainwashing was excitedly taken up by the American military, on the back of stories about American POW's being rescued & freed. The story talks about how ranks of emaciated men lined up to greet their fellow soldiers & liberators. Within those ranks were a few soldiers who looked a little better fed, & who, on release, instead of walking to join their brothers, turned & walked over the lines back into Korea, to defect to their previous captors.

America naturally became very exercised about the concept of being able to change soldiers' loyalties, & spent a great deal of time & money looking at how they could weaponise the process that became known as brainwashing.
Much of it was hokum, & based on principles of "mental strength or weakness", but what did become apparent was that it is possible to take the strongest, most able, mentally sound, experienced warrior ... & subvert their loyalty. The process was based on a nice/nasty rewards/punishment routine that almost exactly mirrors what happens in the domestic cycle of abuse.

Stockholm Syndrome, brainwashing, & coercive control all work on the same principles. Any human, no matter how tough-minded, can fall victim to this process.

You are not weak. You have nothing to be ashamed of. The sick feeling will fade.

@KettrickenSmiled thank you- that makes sense. The triangulation and the boundary testing. It's only just dawned on me how he refused to explain a lot of his behaviour, leaving me guessing because if I challenged him on it he would just gaslight and manipulate me to the point where I would just give up. I used to absolutely dread standing up for myself or questioning him. I even used to dread asking him what time he was coming over. Even that became a huge issue.

He gave me my key back when I asked for him to chat to me about my availability before he made plans. Cried and said I'd ruined everything for him.

I just never thought he'd cheat. But you're right, he didn't have to actually be cheating, he only needed to cast doubt to make me step up my 'good' behaviour. It's awful really. All of this escalated within a year. And we didn't even live together. I can't imagine what it would look like even now, the way he was ramping up his abuse.

Hope you are doing ok OP. All the realisations that come as the days go by are a lot to process.

@TwilightSkies, I'm ok thank you. It is a lot to process, but I'm taking my time with it. I'm lucky because I think I've got through the hardest part of breaking the trauma bond. I do miss him sometimes, but mostly I'm angry at the moment. No contact really is essential. It so so hard to see when you're in it.

It's pretty much impossible to see it when we're in it. Because they take care that we don't see it and we are willfully blind because we want to believe the best of someone we love. That's why it comes as such a shock.

Yes, NC really is essential. And we need to balance the time we allow ourselves for reflection with the time we need to be busy to 'fill up' the empty space they used to fill. It's not good to sit and think too much, nor is it good to keep so busy we don't allow time for reflection and growth.

I think you're doing splendidly!

Thank you @AcrossthePond55 - I honestly don't think I would be nearly as strong if I didn't have this space to come to and share my thoughts and feelings.