Staying away from an abusive man. Please can you help?

[Vinnyinny]

I've been in an abusive relationship with a man for about a year. We broke up about 8 weeks ago because I stood up to his manipulation and he ended it. Telling me that it was all my fault. It's always my fault.

He's controlling. He can't bear my ex husband (father of my children) and tells me how to conduct my relationship with him. He can't bear that I have a sexual past and has shamed me numerous times for it. He has been sexually coercive himself, expecting certain sex acts from me and becoming moody and manipulative when I don't want to.

He has been cruel, mocking me, swearing at me close to my face, shouting. Banging his head against my wall in an argument. Using my own hand to hit me round the face (not hard) when I did something he didn't like. Arguing with me for hours when he doesn't get his own way, exhausting me until I accept full responsibility for something.

After 8 weeks of him having therapy and showing signs of understanding and change, he reverted back last night and told me I was defensive and toxic because I didn't want to talk about my ex anymore and I got annoyed that he had brought him up and tried to blame me for the way that he treats me. More hours of him ending it for good, telling me the only way he could see himself with me is if I go away and think about how I can meet his needs, and that I need to accept fault in the relationship. It was relentless. I ended it this morning. I asked him to not contact me and I blocked him. But I already miss him. I love him. And I'd love for him to not abuse me. And I know I'll be so tempted to unblock him and try again. How do I stop myself?

The beginning of the relationship was so good. He love bombed the hell out of me. The connection was great, the sex was great. I felt like he was the one. I feel traumatised.

Just reposting this as hopefully it will help you stop that longing feeling. Empty the space it's taking up in your head and heart and ask if you want to refill the hole with thoughts of him, or thoughts of your children.

Read this back:

My oldest said that I wasn't the same when my ex was here, but that he didn't ever feel confused or scared by him. My youngest said that he did feel confused sometimes. And he's sad that my ex had said he wouldn't hurt me anymore, but then hurt me again.

I apologised to them both. I told my youngest he would never feel that confusion again and that I was making choices to keep us all safe. That I would protect him at all costs and that I love him. That it wasn't his fault.

To speak to this man would be to break the promise you made your lovely boys.

You cannot let that happen so you cannot ever contact him again.

Ok. I'm trying to gather myself up. I've just given his pans to a mutual acquaintance to give to him. I was dreading it. But it's done now. It did make me shake though. I can't work out if I'm just being really dramatic - why does handing the pans over make me shake? I'm a competent human being. Good job, handled loads of challenging life events. How is it this one that is making me feel so dire?

I'm thinking of my kids. When I do, I feel absolutely certain that this man can never come near me again.

Oh Vinny - well done.
Your body was simply processing trauma when you dealt with the pans - because of what they represent, because of how triggering it must have been to have to make convoluted arrangements in order to avoid contact, because it is a concrete signifier of ending & change.

It's ok to shake. It's natural, it's biological, it says nothing whatsoever about your strength & capability.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-body/201910/when-trauma-gets-stuck-in-the-body

I'm a competent human being

This is all you need to have faith in. Things make people shake for all kinds of reasons. Someone might be made to shake by watching someone eat a yoghurt if it's what their abuser did before they abused them. You can pull apart all the reasons for things, or you can just accept that somewhere within you, you have a good reason for feeling wobbly doing this stuff. You don't have to work it all out: you have to learn to stay away from people who make you feel like things inside you are shaky.

This took me a while to learn, but that's all you have to do. No 'internal work' or 'figuring yourself out' or 'wondering what's wrong with you'. Work from the assumption that there's nothing wrong with you at all: you have these responses because that's the natural human thing that many people would do after the experiences you've had. And that's fine. Just like a horror film might make you shake; all you have to do is keep your distance from horror films. You don't have to pull apart why.

Well said and spot on!!!

It's tiring trying to work it all out, and I never seem to get anywhere except more confused. I can't rationalise it very easily and it's a bit like reliving those awful fights, but internally. So I have started to try to sit more with feelings that I would have tried to wriggle away from. I tell myself that I don't need to act, just wait. And then they ease. Ordinarily I would reach out (to him, probably) to help me. Now I'm being patient. No feeling has ever destroyed me yet.

The shaking stopped and then the tears came and this evening I feel a little less anxious. Thank you all for your advice today. It's another day where I haven't given in.

Oh OP I could have written your post 6 years ago. 🙁 Having that attachment/trauma bond/addiction is soul destroying but I promise you, you won't always feel like this.

I read at the beginning of this thread that you've read "The Loser." Back then copied The Loser into a work document and I then took each paragraph and underneath wrote my own story. It really helped getting it all out, every nasty little thing he did and made me do and it helped me see just how in a year he weakened me down to a shadow of my former self. I then saved the document and put it into a saved folder. I only ever read it once back and it made me feel angry at him and angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated like that, but over time I have learned to forgive myself.

I deleted it a few years later, that's when I knew I was completely healed and forgiven myself.

At the beginning where you are, I used to use the theory it takes 6 months to fully break a habit and so I started to see him as a habit I was breaking. It also helped to dehumanise him, so I gave him a name "shithead" and that's how he's always been referred to since because to me, he doesn't deserve a name.

It might be worth you doing that with The Loser as it helps get it all out and I also changed my phone number too.

I can guarantee you won't feel as raw after Christmas and the spring starts. 😊

What you're doing there is processing it all and by sitting with your feelings and waiting, or riding it out, is a good thing. If you want to cry, cry, but let it out.

I had times where I'd be driving along and be going over a scenario in my head that happened, but over time you really learn to rationalise it and see it for it was.

My ex got his mum to write me a letter (after he'd painted me crazy) to asked for some tools back 6 months later. His typical mind fuck games was to deliberately date the letter on my birthday. This is after he wrote my car off by breaking into my car bonnet and putting sand in the oil! But i couldn't prove it was him. I wrote a very formal, matter of fact letter back informing her any tools would have gone to charity and stated that I did not want to hear from him, her or any of that family again and no further correspondence would be entered into. I could have ignored the letter but I wanted to state to her a very firm "leave me alone" in writing. I never heard from them again.

Stay strong OP. A few months of initial pain and anxiety is far less torture than more of his mind fuck games and abuse.

@Redwineandroses I'm relieved to hear you say I won't always feel like this, but I'm sorry you've had to go through it too.

It funny because I struggle to say his name. I think I should come up with a new name for him that is more dismissive. Seeing it as a habit to break is much easier too. Rather than making it seem so huge and calling so many things into question because of him.

How has your life changed for the better? How do you feel in yourself?

I did the rename thing too 😂 his name is saved in my phone under dickhead exh 😂. It makes me laugh so much when he rings, takes all the power away.

I made the mistake of going out with a man after too soon, which in some ways helped as in it stopped the cycle, but on the other I hadn't given myself enough time to heal and be on my own.

The next guy was great at first but I allowed myself to not be treated how I should be and let him get away with alot of shitty behaviour. He wasn't like the other one in severity, but there was that on/off dynamic where he'd break up with me, ghost me etc, I'd chase. I think I allowed this because a) I hadn't allowed myself to be alone and build boundaries and b) I thought because he was the opposite in personality to my ex he couldn't be abusive.

We broke up last year and although I think he's a nob, the intense hate and dispise isn't like it is to that "shithead." He was a complete psychopath.

I've been single since last summer 2021 and that's when the true healing has begun like it should have years ago. I've taken time to be alone and I find it peaceful as I'm used to it now. I'm no longer scared being alone.

I joined dating sites this summer and my red flag radar is fully switched on and because I'm not afraid to be alone, I'm no longer scared to ask questions, call someone out and generally just not entertain the bullshit on dating sites. Whereas before I always overlooked red flags if they had "potential ". I've learnt I really don't have to put up with it.

My advice is don't do a "me" and jump into anything without first taking time to be alone! Even if in 6 months time you think you're ready to date again, and you will get to that point, take another 6 months. You'll look back and realise you weren't ready even though you thought you were. Take this time to really focus on you, build a life with friends and hobbies. I say this because you're vulnerable to abuse as you've grown up with it and it's your norm. Build that network first.

Finding peace in being alone is what I'm aiming for. I'm so pleased you have found it. I like the idea of the security of myself being there as enough. Anything or anyone else should be a bonus and not the be all and end all.

You're right. Abuse is all I've really known. In different guises. Right now, being alone feels painful, but distracting myself from working through why that is and what I need would be a mistake.

I realised today that this hurts so much because he offered me everything I wanted at first. He listened to everything I said and then built himself as that man for me. He lied about who he was and what he could offer me, and that hurts so much. The manipulation and the misleading so that he could control me. It's way way worse than anything I've been through before. But it is what my stepdad did to us. He groomed my mum into believing he was her everything and then when we lived together he became a monster and I became a scapegoat.

At least I have that experience. I know what happens when you live with an abuser. I'm so so glad I didn't agree to him moving in with me.

See it as you've got to this stage so far in your healing. On days you feel weak and miss him or get tempted, just imagine if he did come back, you'd feel a gratification for about an hour, then regret and annoyance with yourself would kick in. He'd pick up on that and start an argument, you'd be worn down for hours by his abusive mouth until you agree it's "all your fault." He'll walk out saying he's "not putting up with your abuse any longer" after you've "admitted " it's your fault (reality is you've agreed because you're so tired and worn down you just want it to stop, or he's actually made you think it's your fault.) He then gets to walk out the door smuggly as if he's the poor victim. And the cycle continues.

Every time you go back you're just prolonging the inevitable and you'll feel the way you do again now, only further down the line with more abuse in-between. Stay strong! I can guarantee you WILL look back on this with a sense of pride at how far you've come and a bit of shock at just how worn down you were. But my goodness you'll be so much stronger!

It's been 3 weeks. It feels like a lifetime. But I am starting to feel moments of optimism amongst the sadness. So I thought I'd post them here as a reminder. Given I know this isn't a linear process. I'm sitting on the sofa with wine and thinking about how easy this evening's meal has been with the kids- no stress. No walking on eggshells. He would have probably been in bed right now, with his arms folded, angry about something, jealous of the attention the kids were getting. I'd be so anxious that I couldn't eat. There's none of that. It's a relief.

I feel safe this evening. It's a good feeling.

Now, along with the 'bad list' (of things he's done to you), maybe it's time to write the 'good list' of these little moments and other positive things.

Some of mine were being able to fix what I wanted for supper, being able to go to the store and buy myself inexpensive little 'treats', making decisions without having to consider fear his reaction, being able to have my 'pile' of books and magazines next to me, being able to eat in the living room. But I think the best one was just the peace in my little house, the absence of the tension and the fear that I might step 'wrong'.

In a short while, you're going to have a very long 'good list'. I know I did.

I’m so glad you feel safe and relieved. The longer you are away from him, the more you will feel this.
It will become normal ☺️

I moved some things around the house today- back where I had them before I met him. I didn't like where he had moved them to, but I was too uncertain of his reaction to resist at the time. So I let him move my stuff around. Not anymore.

I will make a list. It's easy to forget these things in the middle of sadness. But they're so important.

I think Pan-Man is a good name for him OP 😊
You're doing amazingly and I'm cheering you on

Isn’t it an amazing feeling, you can do whatever you want in your home now with no repercussions? You’ll start finding that you have a lot more head-space, now that you aren’t constantly thinking about him and his moods.

Thank you. I'm working really hard to stay focused on the reality of the situation and not all the promise and potential. I keep thinking about the conversations we had when we were getting to know each other - I trusted him and told him personal stuff, and all my hopes and dreams. I feel like he groomed me- he became all the things I said I wanted in a man so quickly it was intense. It didn't take long for me to get this sinking feeling that some things didn't quite align. But I ignored that feeling. It's clear now that a bit part of getting over this is coping with how manipulative that is. It's all a lie. The reality is what I have to keep reminding myself of.

Oh, and alongside that, it's so dangerous to tell a narcissist your very personal past experiences. He remembered in detail every single one and punished me with them endlessly during arguments.

@Whatwherewherewhat Pan-Man it is 😊

@Vinnyinny I could have written your last post. Solidarity.

I'm wondering if anyone that has recovered from narcissistic abuse could give me a bit of advice today? It's been 6 weeks since I cut contact. And I feel awful. I keep getting palpitations and anxiety. I feel worthless and like life is pointless. I keep crying. Is this normal? It feels like grief.

I've been to the GP today and he's investigating the heart pounding stuff with an ECG and some
blood tests, but in response to the trauma he just said 'take care of yourself'.

Morning Vinny.

First things first - you're not feeling great right now, but you are DOING GREAT. 6 weeks no contact is a huge achievement. Well done.

GP's can be variable in their response to stuff like anxiety & trauma.
You could book another appointment & ask for a referral to specific counselling services. Or - if you have funds - find a therapist who specialises in helping victims of narcissists.

Dr Ramani is hugely helpful -

As is this resource - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

& both sites have forums/community activity around them, which may be a good way of finding a well-recommended private practicioner, if you can afford to self-fund.

Meantime - meditation & mindfulness exercises is the way to go. It helps "in the moment", to refocus, to pull yourself out of dissociation, to reduce physical symptoms.
www.health.harvard.edu/blog/mindfulness-meditation-may-ease-anxiety-mental-stress-201401086967

www.mindful.org/mindfulness-meditation-anxiety/