Staying away from an abusive man. Please can you help?

[Vinnyinny]

I've been in an abusive relationship with a man for about a year. We broke up about 8 weeks ago because I stood up to his manipulation and he ended it. Telling me that it was all my fault. It's always my fault.

He's controlling. He can't bear my ex husband (father of my children) and tells me how to conduct my relationship with him. He can't bear that I have a sexual past and has shamed me numerous times for it. He has been sexually coercive himself, expecting certain sex acts from me and becoming moody and manipulative when I don't want to.

He has been cruel, mocking me, swearing at me close to my face, shouting. Banging his head against my wall in an argument. Using my own hand to hit me round the face (not hard) when I did something he didn't like. Arguing with me for hours when he doesn't get his own way, exhausting me until I accept full responsibility for something.

After 8 weeks of him having therapy and showing signs of understanding and change, he reverted back last night and told me I was defensive and toxic because I didn't want to talk about my ex anymore and I got annoyed that he had brought him up and tried to blame me for the way that he treats me. More hours of him ending it for good, telling me the only way he could see himself with me is if I go away and think about how I can meet his needs, and that I need to accept fault in the relationship. It was relentless. I ended it this morning. I asked him to not contact me and I blocked him. But I already miss him. I love him. And I'd love for him to not abuse me. And I know I'll be so tempted to unblock him and try again. How do I stop myself?

The beginning of the relationship was so good. He love bombed the hell out of me. The connection was great, the sex was great. I felt like he was the one. I feel traumatised.

There's a TikTok doing the rounds atm that says - if hurting me, doesn't hurt you, then you don't love me, you are using me.

Keep that in your mind. Hurting you doesn't bother him. It doesn't matter what reasons he may or may not have for being abusive, hurting you doesn't bother him.

The dreams are the worst 💔

I'm having a tough morning too. Lots of tears today, I work from home so it's a good job I'm not doing this in an office or something.

Please PLEASE remind yourself you're worth more than being treated that way. Funny how it's always the small things they burst at. Ironing or tea or anything really? Even when you do it, it's not enough.

Abusers are so clever, they sandwich the abuse between intermittent love bombs, where you feel so deeply loved by them, at the same time so confused why they're two people in one.

My ex was what I call a potential narc. He would be exerting himself to everyone outside as a wonderful person, the person I fell for. I now recognise this is all a facade. There were two sides though, because the minute I wasn’t compliant the monster would show behind the mask. It’s alllll about image to a narc, if he mistreats you in an argument,

Eg

•long periods of silent treatment or stone walling you bringing things up

•Everything is YOUR fault even if he’s evidently wrong somehow it’s your fault he did or said what he said

• you always end up apologising. Especially if they've been ignoring you. Like a whingy toddler after they don't get their way.

• there’s no closure. He’s happy you tore down a boundary for him as when you’re complaint and do what he likes you see his happy side. Intermittent reinforcement at its peak.

• you often find yourself wondering if you were the wrong one? Though you were so sure you were right. Got to a point of have time record arguments to convince myself I’m not insane.

• Oh and, they will make you feel crazy. Bat shit crazy. They’ll make sure you know to think twice before bringing it up again.

• if you cry “cry a bit quieter I’ve got work tomorrow”

Coverts are almost sadistic. Sometimes my ex would smirk at my pain. Still gives me chills.

*They want the authority of a king with the accountability of a toddler.
*
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My local DV charity has put me on the freedom programme, the police referred me for counselling at the hospital and I also have my own counselling team too (this I pay for £30 an hour via zoom) I'm hoping the combination of these things can help me move on. As like this morning, I have regressed into "missing him" - not him, mourning the future I imagined we'd have.

Here for you OP. Hand hold much needed today.

@rmummyofone thank you. I'm so sorry you're having a hard morning too. You are clearly a very intelligent switched-on woman. You are also clearly doing a huge amount of work in understanding how abuse works. Thank you for your words. He did all of those things. And I didn't even live with him. He would come and stay, and in those times I would see all of those behaviours. Stonewalling, terrible moods interspersed with love bombing and such kindness and respect. Then hours of arguing, twisting my words, telling me he's leaving, cold icy stares where his eyes would go black. No tenderness, no touch. Telling me he didn't care if I was upset.

But then we had a few weeks of tenderness, understanding, kindness, none of it was my fault, he knew he was abusive, he'd work extremely hard to change his behaviour. And I thought it would be ok. It always felt like a risk, but I had faith.

I promised myself if I got a whiff of abuse from him again I'd put a stop to it. And he did it again. So here I am. Trying so hard to put a stop to it.

I'll hold your hand today. You are doing an incredible job working through this. These feelings will pass. And life will feel good again. Much love to you

Keep thinking about your children op.

They are worth everything, the deserve better than this monster in their lives

you are dodging a bullet

there is a better life waiting for you

busy yourself by surrounding yourself with people who make you happy - if not possible go on a walk, take the kids

you are worth more than him he will never ever change he is dysfunctional to the core and will wreak damage and harm upon you and your children until he is finally finished or someone catches his eye

these types usually walk away without a backward glance

stay in control

You're feeling embarrassed and ashamed because he's groomed you to believe that firstly you had control over his behaviour and secondly that you were responsible for his bad behaviour and even worse, deserving of it. That is all lies that he made you believe so that he could continue doing what he wanted without consequences. The only person who should be ashamed here is him. Just think about the circumstances you've had to parent through- you've probably parented 10x harder than the rest of us in stable safe relationships and you're an absolute badass for that. Even the strength it took for you to leave and delete him- that's a huge sign of strength and a great role model for your children to see that you listened to what you needed and enforced your own boundaries because you knew you deserved better. His behaviour is on him, not on you. And here's the thing if you went on a first date and he smacked you, there wouldn't have been a second. He did this slowly over time and that's why you couldn't see it- because he didn't want you to not because you did anything wrong.

You're right. If he'd done that to me on our first date, I would have never seen him again.

He made me feel ashamed of the relationships I'd had before him. Using what I though was safe to tell him about my past against me time and time again.

He coerced me into buying a new bed because I had been with my ex in it. He made me throw away my sex toys and buy new ones that were only for me and him.

He shamed me for hours when I touched myself during sex I was having with him. Making me apologise for being selfish.

And I still stayed with him.

He ruined my birthday, taking me away for a night and then ending it. Making me beg for him to not end it.

He ruined my celebration of my promotion by shaming me for a sexual relationship I had had prior to meeting him. Shouting at me in the pub and then walking me home like nothing had happened.

Any time I had anything to celebrate he ruined it. He didn't want to spend Christmas with me unless I was alone without the children because he didn't think he would enjoy it if my kids were there.

Please can someone tell me that there is a healthy safe love out there for me, because I'm scared I'm going to be alone forever and that all men are like this.

Being single is infinitely better than being in an abusive relationship, I promise.

And you are afraid of being alone but you have your children who love you loads.

And who need their mum to be as happy and healthy as she can.

He has abused you in so many ways that you're completely confused and that's exactly where he wants you.

Because confused people are easier to bully into compliance.

The worst thing you could possibly do is continue any dialogue with him, ever again, in your entire life.

To do so would be letting down your children.

Keeping this man out of your life is the greatest gift you can give them right now.

Make sure you do

How you feeling now OP?

I've just spoken to my mum on the phone and she was incredible. She tells me I'm brave and I'm holding on to that.

I'm cooking fish fingers for the kids and I've lit a fire for the dog, who loves a fire more than anything, so I'm taking pleasure in the smallest things today. But I can't say I feel good. I feel traumatised.

How are you @rmummyofone? Have you had an ok day?

So proud of you, and yes your mum is absolutely right! You are so brave. A support worker will be assigned to you if not already done and they're amazing.

You can do this ❤️

My day has turned out ok I've been WFH & will be treating myself and little one to McDonald's tonight.

Still getting thoughts of my ex, pining and longing for it to have worked out but just accepting that this new change will make the future me SO proud. It'll all be worth it.

Change is so hard.

"Please can someone tell me that there is a healthy safe love out there for me, because I'm scared I'm going to be alone forever and that all men are like this."

Of course you can have a healthy safe love. That's why I told you about my dh now and how much better things are. It takes time and to be honest it takes getting to a place where you'd rather be alone than settle for someone who treats you less than you deserve. Better on the shelf than locked in the wrong cupboard as the saying goes. There's so much good in store for you it'll hurt for a while but then the good and the joy will be much more than the pain and you'll feel stronger than you were before you even met him.

Very well said! I have had to say the exact same thing to a friend who is aware but tries to find a way around the fact she has been used by the guy she is with, (think) so he could get stay to remain in the country.

It will hurt OP, as a year is still a considerable amount of time to be with someone, and especially depending on the set up of your relationship.
It is frustrating and upsetting when the person is not how you want and should be, so you want to be with them, but can't be because who can and should suffer that from someone, no they shouldn't!

That is also right that you need to concentrate on your children now, as no doubt they have suffered whilst this horrible man has been around.
You continue as you have, that he is blocked everywhere, do not unblock him, if you think you will then you will need to delete things. But then I'm thinking it might also be a good idea, and/or necessary to have his number, incase he starts getting funny at any point, and you have to involve the police.
Other than that, that's it. It won't be easy but focus on you your kids and your daily life. He has shown you who and what he is now, and that can only get worse. I remember reading about abusers going on this course or in therapy and out of a massive figure literally only a few would change. Plus they do it to who they know they can.

You are incredible. And it is likely that you are suffering from a type of trauma. And grief.

Use it. To get angry and then to put the anger to good use. Make sure you and your kids are never placed in the same situation. do enjoy the little things - but that's exceptionally hard, don't be afraid of using some antidepressants to get you through this bit. Or keep posting here.

It's like layers if an onion. You'll get through each day or stage, and then there may be another layer of hurt, but then you will overcome it and move on. Over and over. This too shall pass.

And before you know it you're free.

There's no need to feel shame at all. He's the one who should be ashamed.

Thank you for all your kind words, they honestly mean the world right now after all the hurtful words I've had to listen to from him.

The missing him is so weird. Because the thought of him being here makes me so anxious, but I feel like I'm grieving all of the potential. The incredible times that I now know we're designed to keep me hooked, but made me feel like the most wanted woman in the world. Coming from a relationship where I had been cheated on and not desired, it was addictive.

Crashing down to reality from that is very hard to handle. And sadly, I keep thinking to myself that at 41 years old, I may not be able to find the kind of love I deserve. I know that's wrong, and I would never think it of another woman, but it scares me. The idea of being alone.

Write down a long list of the nasty, controlling, and abusive things he's done to you. Write it in ink on a piece of paper. Then fold it up small and carry that paper around with you wherever you go, even in your house. Keep it tucked in your bag, in your desk, a pocket, even your sock. Then every time you are weakening, take that paper out and read it. Read it again and again.

It really helped me to stay strong to see the nastiness written down, where I couldn't deny it or shut it away.

I'll do that. The more I look at what he did to me, the more I know I need to keep myself and my children safe. When it was happening, I just made excuses for it. I felt like something bad was happening in my body, but I couldn't take any action. He did me a favour ending it. I felt relieved.

I'm struggling still. Not particularly the staying away from him, which I'm sure will come, but the aftermath. I'm having horrible dreams. He was in my room with a knife in my dreams last night. He'd hurt my kids.

I've got this strong feeling of worthlessness. Like I can't get anything right and I've made terrible choices. I've spoken to my children. My oldest said that I wasn't the same when my ex was here, but that he didn't ever feel confused or scared by him. My youngest said that he did feel confused sometimes. And he's sad that my ex had said he wouldn't hurt me anymore, but then hurt me again.

I apologised to them both. I told my youngest he would never feel that confusion again and that I was making choices to keep us all safe. That I would protect him at all costs and that I love him. That it wasn't his fault.

I feel like such a shit mum. I'm so worried about them and how the choices I've made have impacted them.

Don't blame yourself at all, you are trauma bonded to an abuser this is out of your control. You've taken the best steps for yourself and the kids.

I recognise those feeling, welcome them, feel them and then release them slowly by doing something even if it's imagining your future happier self successful and fulfilled in your life giving your current worthless feelings a hug. This helps me. As strange as it may sound.

Please remember you're not alone and this journey isn't linear you will have ups and downs.

The flashbacks and nightmares could be part of the cptsd a lot of us experience after abuse. Strange isn't it how you sometimes miss the same person who did that to you?

You've had brilliant advice here from people who know a lot about this kind of dynamic.

I'm just an internet random but I'm going to say what they're not saying, because they are kind and maybe I'm not, sorry.

Stop indulging this, put your kids first. You think you might not have a safe love ever, well who knows, maybe you won't. Many people stay single, as you should from this day forward in order to protect and prioritise the two people who stand to lose the most from your actions, and who have absolutely no control over the adults in their lives.

I have a ten year old. If any adult close to them belittled them or hurt them IN ANY WAY I wouldn't just block them, I would block myself from ever letting anyone into my home until I was absolutely certain they would respect my kid.

I know I'm being harsh and I'm sorry. I know 'just leave' isn't easy for so many women. Therapy is great but all the talking in the world doesn't make it ok to keep communicating with someone who made your kid feel shit. Stop now, seriously. Never speak to him via any media, ever again. Look at your little boy and truly put him first.

I hadn't read your last update, so I apologise for my tone.

I've done some crap parenting in my time and like everyone else, it's live and learn. Please don't descend further into self hatred over this, the guy was just a twat and now he's gone. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. It'll take a long time to get to the point of indifference but fake it til you make it in front of your kids.

Sometimes I think the monster you feed keeps thriving.

Don't apologise @MorrisZapp, it's nothing I haven't already told myself. I'm fiercely protective of my children and for this man to have been allowed in our lives is on me. It was my weakness. I'm relieved I've taken this action now, and while my child's confusion makes me feel terrible, I can remind myself that if it had carried on it would have been so much worse. I will stay away from him for them firstly. Absolutely. Nothing is more important than them.

Thank you @rmummyofone as always, for your lovely insights. How are you doing? I hope today is a good day for you.

My day is going okay
Honestly thank you for even asking.

Some days are good
Some are bad

All part of the journey. Feeling each emotion and taking each one as it comes, they really do come in waves lol.

How are you though? How are you feeling?
Please don't forget you've done the right thing for yourself and your kids. I feel like a total hypocrite saying that bc deep down I know my own trauma bond is so real and it's really not as simple as what I'm saying, truthfully you have taken the hardest step already, now it's time to do the work needed for your peace.

I'm glad your day is ok. I feel the same way about the waves of emotion. Work seems to distract me quite well. So does writing stuff down. And I've been listening to podcasts. Love and Abuse is a very good one.

I'm alright. This thread has been very helpful in keeping me focused on what I need to achieve for my own peace and sanity. Shifting the focus from me to my children has also been very helpful. It makes it much easier to handle with clarity.

I think I'm going to try and make some plans for a holiday with them in the summer. Focus on something positive I can share with them.

I feel the same way about the waves of emotion

Those waves are perfectly normal. I don't know if you do much ocean swimming, but just like with that, you have to let the waves come and wash over you. Relax and 'float' through them. To try to fight them only exhausts your emotional reserves. Just keep repeating 'this too shall pass', because it will! Eventually those waves become ripples, then they'll just disappear.