Staying away from an abusive man. Please can you help?

[Vinnyinny]

I've been in an abusive relationship with a man for about a year. We broke up about 8 weeks ago because I stood up to his manipulation and he ended it. Telling me that it was all my fault. It's always my fault.

He's controlling. He can't bear my ex husband (father of my children) and tells me how to conduct my relationship with him. He can't bear that I have a sexual past and has shamed me numerous times for it. He has been sexually coercive himself, expecting certain sex acts from me and becoming moody and manipulative when I don't want to.

He has been cruel, mocking me, swearing at me close to my face, shouting. Banging his head against my wall in an argument. Using my own hand to hit me round the face (not hard) when I did something he didn't like. Arguing with me for hours when he doesn't get his own way, exhausting me until I accept full responsibility for something.

After 8 weeks of him having therapy and showing signs of understanding and change, he reverted back last night and told me I was defensive and toxic because I didn't want to talk about my ex anymore and I got annoyed that he had brought him up and tried to blame me for the way that he treats me. More hours of him ending it for good, telling me the only way he could see himself with me is if I go away and think about how I can meet his needs, and that I need to accept fault in the relationship. It was relentless. I ended it this morning. I asked him to not contact me and I blocked him. But I already miss him. I love him. And I'd love for him to not abuse me. And I know I'll be so tempted to unblock him and try again. How do I stop myself?

The beginning of the relationship was so good. He love bombed the hell out of me. The connection was great, the sex was great. I felt like he was the one. I feel traumatised.

@Vinnyinny unfortunately I still have ups and downs as like you there was a good side to him too. No matter the good, it can never excuse the bad.

I reported my abuser to the police snd have had support from a local DV charity. They also referred me to counselling at the city hospital, the wait time is long so I currently pay for my own counselling

Are you still in contact with him @rmummyofone?

In the last 8 weeks I have started a relationship recovery course, created by a coach specialising in narcissistic and psychological abuse. I put it on the back burner a bit in the last couple of weeks, but I'm going to focus my attention back on it for my own sake.

Untangling myself from this feels brutal.

One thing I'm struggling is is the way he is with one of my children. And actually, in the last week, things became more challenging between he and I because I asked him to look at how he had behaved with my youngest son. I wanted to know how things could be different if we got back together. He spent a lot of that conversation telling me about my son's behaviours and how they made him feel. I started to disengage after that. I can't risk my son being mistreated by this man.

One thing I'm struggling is is the way he is with one of my children. And actually, in the last week, things became more challenging between he and I because I asked him to look at how he had behaved with my youngest son.

I wanted to know how things could be different if we got back together.

This is the crux of it OP.

To take him back would be to risk your son, and any other children. being damaged by this man.

To do that would be choosing him over the welfare of your children.

Whenever you feel tempted to contact him, remember that and hopefully it will be enough to stop you doing so?

Your children are viewing this relationship dynamic and being taught it's normal. And the longer you're with someone, the deeper than teaching is.

Imagine how heartbroken you'd be if your son ended up replicating your partners behaviour when he's an adult himself.

Imagine how heartbroken you'd be if any of your children ended up replicating you in this relationship dynamic.

You don't have a shared child, a shared home or shared finances. There's not one single thing you need to stay in touch about.

You can block and delete him today.

Within a year he's been emotionally abusive, verbally abusive and when he used your hand to hit yourself he added physical abuse to the mix. Because it doesn't matter whether it was hard or not, whether it hurt you or not. It matters that he felt entitled to physically punish you for disagreeing with or disobeying him.

It will escalate. He will become increasingly more physically abusive.

So, block and delete. Nothing is stopping you.

You can start to heal and use your headspace and emotional bandwidth on your children, family and friends.

You need to do that for your children or unfortunately you're not putting them first

@Vinnyinny I'm in no contact with him
He has tried to message family and is weirdly manipulative about the whole situation. Like you, he ended it. Except this time I didn't fight for it to work out or give in to his manipulative ways. My family supported me too.

He now claims he ended things in anger and "there's no going back" abusers are notorious for not being able to hold themselves accountable. It's actually shocking.

Like you I struggle daily. If you're in Reddit it helps to read other people's stories makes you feel less alone. Trauma bond is literally like a withdrawal, im proud of you for getting help for it.

Though me and my ex aren't in contact I've requested once things process with court to have only 3rd party contact between us both. He makes me highly anxious and I just prefer things done that way.

You've done the right thing posting here.

Keep posting and keep maintaining that line.

Block him completely on everything. The physical distance you have here is your friend.

If he turns up report to police.

Post here when it's tough.

Ask a trusted friend to do the blocking for you, over coffee and cake if it's too hard.

OP, now that I've read your most recent post about your son I'm going to be harsh and say that it would be utterly unforgiveable if you maintain any connection with this foul man.

@hatsofftoyouall 100% agree with you. Keep your child far away, he's hit you and will the odds of him doing that to your child is higher as children are vulnerable.

Please make sure you take the right steps needed, block. Block. Block and never look back. Out of sight out of mind. Trauma bonds are so real, please get support. Report to police & go through legal aid to get full custody if you feel this is best to keep him away. Legal aid is free.

Husband desperately wants another baby but I don't feel ready www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4415137-husband-desperately-wants-another-baby-but-i-don-t-feel-ready

Here is a thread I posted last year and recently updated. Have a scroll through, it is mumsnet at its finest. The women on here are incredibly supportive so if you're ever feeling low and "missing him" so to say, I know the feelings all to well.

We're all here for you. Feel free to message me privately if you'd like (I'm not as active on here so I'm not sure how to do this, we can help one another)

Thank you everyone, so so much. Without this thread I think I would have already caved. I haven't been honest with myself about the extent of the abuse. It started to become apparent that I couldn't fully protect my smallest child from emotional punishment and shaming when he got things wrong. I grew up with that and it's impacted my whole life. That I even entertained being with a man capable of scapegoating a 10 year old child is insane to me. That I miss him is even more insane.

I will keep posting, if that's ok. Right now I am so upset with myself for not feeling strong enough to never have allowed this in the first place.

@rmummyofone thank you. Luckily I don't have children with him. I don't share anything with him, and he lives a decent distance away. I feel like I need to view this as a close call. He was planning to move here. He told his friend that he would be living with me by September. He failed to tell me this. I heard it from his friend. It's such weird behaviour. He didn't consult me in any of the decisions he made about me and him. I started to panic that he would try to live with me. I can't think of anything worse. At the end of our relationship when he was here for any extended amount of time, I was scared to move in any one direction for fear of an argument. But I grew up in a household just like that. My poor mother was abused for years by a terrifying man.

@rmummyofone I've read your thread and am in awe of your ovaries of steel. And you definitely have enough time to become a primary teacher! Even if you wait a few more years.

I've learnt so much from the wise women of mn.

Women have always had to organise underground and communicate, make links, pass on resources and advice to deal with men like this. It changed laws. Mn is the digital version for this age!

Op, keep posting and reading other threads. It helps so much to sort your thoughts out and disinfect yourself from him.

We are here for you when you're lonely and low and we are here with pom poms when you are winning at this. Which you are, by the way.

Are you speaking about this in your sessions with your therapist? This needs to be priority to ensure you don't go back to this man.

I would personally also have an honest conversation with your son, not crying etc as that will make him feel guilty when he has no reason to be, to assure him that you understand the way your ex treated him was completely unacceptable, you're sorry you didn't stop it sooner and you promise he will never be back in your lives.

Then stick to it.

"And I'd love for him to not abuse me" of course you'd love that, that is the absolute bare minimum of what you deserve. But he has abused you, and he even went for counselling to use it against you because he had no intention of actually changing his ways. The hard part of domestic abuse to accept (and I say this having been through it with someone I really loved) is that it's purposeful, intentional and repeated. He did this to you on purpose because he values his own needs over yours so much that he doesn't care about your well-being. I'm sorry that might be hard to hear but it is true.

When I ended things with my ex for the last time I had got to the point where emotionally I was ready to sign myself in because I couldn't take any more of the gaslighting and manipulation, we'd been round the cycle so many times I felt broken. And for a day it was like I could breathe again and then I missed the hell out of him because I had really loved him. I blocked him on everything, I deleted all traces of him from my home and my life, when he came knocking at the door I didn't answer it and I leant on my friends for support. I went for counselling, I started volunteering with a support group for women who'd experienced dv and I did a lot of work on my confidence and self esteem and tried to focus on myself and deciding what joy i wanted in my life because why not.

Honesty it took me about 5 years to feel ready to open up to someone again after that and that's when I met my dh, he is the kindest, gentlest man I've ever met. He is endlessly reliable, never gets mad (even when I know I drive him crazy at times) and everything just worked and there was no drama and that was when it clicked for me that THIS is what it's meant to be like. We are meant to feel emotionally and physically safe all the time, we are meant to communicate openly and respectfully even when we're cross and support and encourage each other to be our best selves. You need to clear him completely out of your life to make space for better things to come in op. Because you deserve good things and he will not be who you want him to be no matter how badly you want it. You've given him enough time, tears and mental energy, now is your time for you.

I will absolutely do this. I have already had a conversation with both my children, but I will talk to my youngest. I need to ensure that he understands it wasn't ok. It was up to me to make sure he was emotionally safe and I failed him. I won't fail him again.

Thank you for telling me about this. I'm so pleased you have found the peace that you deserve. I'm also so sorry that you had to go through any abuse in the first place. You are very brave.

I just tried to delete his number from my blocked list to remove any temptation to contact him and instead it unblocked him. Fuck. Now I have no way to block him again because I've deleted all trace of him in my phone. I'm panicking. Is there a way I can recover this?

If he contacts you, block immediately

He's got you where he wants you, dancing in circles emotionally. You can break free from this.

Please forgive yourself as he did all of this to you. All your feelings are normal ❤️

Do you have any calls in your call history you can use to find his number? If so, scroll to it and DON'T try to press the little info button in case you accidentally ring him. Write it down on paper, add it to your phone as a new contact then block it.

I don't. I deleted it all. But I know I can't contact him, so that's something. If he contacts me, I'll block. Thank you. And thank you for all your kind words. It's hard to not feel shame over this.

Op

not only have your children been exposed to your abusive first marriage they have then gone on to be exposed to a second abusive man.

both of these men are role models to your children and by the sounds of it they are both dysfunctional

I am truly sorry that you were exposed to abuse growing up and that you replicated that in your own relationships as an adult

please try to do what many can’t and avoid letting this loser back into
your home as honestly you owe this to your children and yourself

in your shoes I would never expose your children to any more relationships unless you are 110pc sure they are healthy role models and will offer your children a great example of what a relationship should be like

otherwise keep men away from your children and date when they’re at their fathers

my post is harsh and for that I am sorry but please start looking at the bigger picture and think about the damage to your children. They have no control over who you bring into their safe space.

stay strong

After 8 weeks of him having therapy and showing signs of understanding and change, he reverted back last night
Those were not signs of understanding & change. They were the lip service of a manipulative bastard. He had no intention of changing. he enjoys dominating & abusing you, & no counselling is going to change that.

and told me I was defensive and toxic because I didn't want to talk about my ex anymore and I got annoyed that he had brought him up and tried to blame me for the way that he treats me.
You don;t have to talk about anything you don;t want to, & your ex is none of his business.

More hours of him ending it for good, telling me the only way he could see himself with me is if I go away and think about how I can meet his needs,
Nothing about how he can meet your needs I notice.

and that I need to accept fault in the relationship. It was relentless. I ended it this morning. I asked him to not contact me and I blocked him. But I already miss him. I love him. And I'd love for him to not abuse me. And I know I'll be so tempted to unblock him and try again. How do I stop myself?
That's not love, it's a trauma bond
www.verywellhealth.com/trauma-bonding-5210779

The beginning of the relationship was so good. He love bombed the hell out of me. The connection was great, the sex was great. I felt like he was the one. I feel traumatised.
FFS.
Love bombing is NOT the sign of a "good relationship". It's worrying that you think it is.

I have therapy and have had for a long time, but boundaries scare me. I'm scared of the repercussions of standing up for myself. Even blocking him scares me. I'm worried I've made the wrong decision. Maybe there was more I could have done etc. etc. It will be that weakness of thought that will threaten my resolve to keep him blocked. Which is why I'm asking for advice. I'm so grateful for it. Really.
I'm so sorry to read about your awful stepfather & poor start in life.
It's obvious how you ended up with your ex, & none of this is your fault.
Alongside your therapy, I think you need to take steps to really educate yourself about the kind of men your stepfather & ex are.

Please sign up for this - you can do the course online - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

& order this book - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

AND this one! - it will help you with your assertiveness - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

Thank you. I didn't know it was love bombing at the time. I had never experienced it before. I know now, after reading furiously about psychological abuse for the last 8 weeks.

I've read Why Does He Do That? And I've just bought the other book on your advice, so thank you for the tip. Anything to keep my focus on my own and my children's safety.

I'm struggling this morning. He was in my dreams last night and I woke up feeling relieved that they weren't real. But I'm shaky and I feel ill. Like I'm traumatised. If I think about the danger I felt when I was with him, I'm so upset that I let it carry on for as long as it did. The time when he screamed at me to shut the fuck up in my face in bed during hours of arguing with me over a cup of tea. Just a cup of tea. It left me terrified. My children were asleep in their beds and I was frozen. How could I have let this happen? I'm so ashamed. I should have called the police. And I didn't. I let him carry on.