Staying away from an abusive man. Please can you help?

[Vinnyinny]

I've been in an abusive relationship with a man for about a year. We broke up about 8 weeks ago because I stood up to his manipulation and he ended it. Telling me that it was all my fault. It's always my fault.

He's controlling. He can't bear my ex husband (father of my children) and tells me how to conduct my relationship with him. He can't bear that I have a sexual past and has shamed me numerous times for it. He has been sexually coercive himself, expecting certain sex acts from me and becoming moody and manipulative when I don't want to.

He has been cruel, mocking me, swearing at me close to my face, shouting. Banging his head against my wall in an argument. Using my own hand to hit me round the face (not hard) when I did something he didn't like. Arguing with me for hours when he doesn't get his own way, exhausting me until I accept full responsibility for something.

After 8 weeks of him having therapy and showing signs of understanding and change, he reverted back last night and told me I was defensive and toxic because I didn't want to talk about my ex anymore and I got annoyed that he had brought him up and tried to blame me for the way that he treats me. More hours of him ending it for good, telling me the only way he could see himself with me is if I go away and think about how I can meet his needs, and that I need to accept fault in the relationship. It was relentless. I ended it this morning. I asked him to not contact me and I blocked him. But I already miss him. I love him. And I'd love for him to not abuse me. And I know I'll be so tempted to unblock him and try again. How do I stop myself?

The beginning of the relationship was so good. He love bombed the hell out of me. The connection was great, the sex was great. I felt like he was the one. I feel traumatised.

I'm sorry to hear that @DoomsdayPrep - what we're the signs for you? It's so strange to miss someone who causes us pain. I think this just takes time. But I know how hard it is. Sending hugs to you

Hes a narcissist unfortunately. Try and forget about this man and this so called relationship. It never was a relationship. It was an elusion. As a narcissist his sole aim was to punish you. He didn't genuinely care about you or love you. He was never interested in anything that didn't benefit him. He cared not one iota for your children and treated them with contempt. Keep telling yourself that this man will never be a real person.

Using my own hand to hit me round the face…

Think about this absolute humiliation every single time you think about unblocking him.

And think about what you’re worth.

I've been thinking about him and my children quite a bit in the last week. How he wanted me to be separate from them. He encouraged them to be away from me a lot. I'm uncomfortable when I look back on certain situations. My son got into my bed last night because he was feeling poorly. I cuddled him and he fell asleep. And I thought to myself that there would be no way I could do this if my ex was there. He would be very unhappy if I tended to my child's needs in the middle of the night. Or at the very least I would feel anxious about it. In case he got funny about it.

Those cuddles with my son last night were priceless in reminding me how important the bond is between us, and how my ex would rather I was not bonded to anyone but him. It's awful when I think about it.

He used to say he didn't know if he could be with me because I would always prioritise my children over him. I can't believe I tried to reassure him that he would be my priority too. I can't believe I even engaged with him after that. I'm so angry with myself.

How he wanted me to be separate from them

Put that one on 'The List' if it isn't already there!

I'm so angry with myself.

Sometimes a teeny tiny bit of anger at ourselves can stop us from doing something foolish (like contacting him). But please don't 'turn' the anger on yourself in a destructive way. Just give yourself a mental 'eye roll', say 'Tsk, how could I have been so foolish. Won't make that mistake again!' and then turn the full force of the anger where it belongs, on him.

Hope your little boy is feeling better today. Hope you're feeling better today too.

"Each day is a step away".

Can you help me- he has sent me an email. I had blocked his email address but my settings weren't right and it came through instead of going in the bin.

He wants me to email him some tickets to a gig that I bought him. He also wants to arrange collecting two pans that he bought (I thought for me, but obviously not).

I haven't responded yet. Does anyone have any experience of this? I don't want his property, but I don't think the pans mean anything to him. They were never in his possession. I want to give them back if he wants them. But I don't want to see him or engage with him at all. I'm not strong and I don't want him finding a way in.

Delete the email.

Done.

Seriously.

Do not give this another thought, he is hoovering and you are not in a strong enough headspace to deal with this.

Delete the email now, strengthen your settings so it blocks any future ones rather than sending them to junk if possible.

If not, either don't look in your junk or don't open any emails from him in your junk just delete them without reading.

Thank you. But he's the sort of person that won't let the pans go. I can see him getting very petty over them. What if I arrange for them to be with someone else so he can pick them up?

If he sees them as his, how far could he go with trying to get them back? He scares me.

If you think he'll get nasty over them, ask a male friend / family member (annoying it should be a male but realistically he's less likely to try to intimidate or challenge them) to drop them at his home in a box. Don't go with them. Tell them to say to him 'Vinny doesn't want contact so I'm returning these' if he's home, if not, put them on the porch / front door with a note written in third person, not by you, saying the same thing.

Do not get sucked into this mate, he's hoovering and it's working because you're now second guessing what to do and he's getting headspace.

If you had succeeded in blocking his email, you would never have even seen it. This doesn't have to be any more of a worry than it would have been had that happened.

You haven't seen it. That's it. To all intents and purposes, you haven't seen it, so you don't know about it, and can't do anything about it, or anything he asks.

Are you scared he'll get physical, to you, your property, or anyone/anything else?

If not, he's in your past. Anything he says is just words, like the adults talk in Charlie Brown cartoons, do you remember? 'Waaa waaa waaa waaa waaaa', it doesn't mean anything. Just noises coming out of a face. Unless you are keeping anything that he can prove is his, he's got no power over you whatsoever, and even if you were, it'd have to be fairly significant an item for him to appeal to the authorities. I don't think the police or the local council or god are going to involve themselves over some tickets that you have proof of purchase for, or a couple of pans. Let him get petty. He'll just make a prat of himself. Picture him crying in a corner like a little kid, wailing 'My pans! My pans!' Make a joke of him in your head. All the time. Minimise him. Laugh at him (internally); his relationship has broken down and he's winding himself up about pans? That says so much about him...

He lives quite a distance, so I'll post them to him. It'll cost me, but I'd rather that than do what he suggests which is for him to collect them.

I bought the tickets so I guess I don't have to worry about them being his. They were a gift but I feel under no obligation to give them to him.

You're right. This is hoovering. It plays on my nature that all is fair and just and if he wants his property he's entitled to it. He doesn't care about the pans. Or the tickets.

I'm actually shaking. I feel so vulnerable at the moment.

Why on earth would you put yourself through the nonsense of packaging up and sending your pans to him? Stop indulging him. Cook something in the pans, get a bottle of wine using what you would have spent on postage, and drink it, toasting yourself with the words 'Well done me for leaving silly little pan-man behind!'

You owe him nothing. Not a pan, not a ticket, not a minute of your time, not a word, not a thought. He can ask for whatever he wants. All you can hear is 'Waaa waaa waaa'.

And you might feel vulnerable, but nobody knows that unless you tell them, so as far as he's concerned, if you don't respond, you're as hard as nails and cold as ice.

He can prove that they're his. He purchased them. But you're right. This is about him having access to me. I think I'm worried that if he doesn't get them back, he'll turn up. Or pursue me another way. If I give them to him he won't have any reason to contact me and he won't hold anything over me. I'll be free of him.

I absolutely wouldn't put it past him to endlessly pursue the pans. He'd make it his life's work.

I don't think he'd be violent, but he doesn't cope with rejection well.

If he's going to endlessly pursue the pans, then if you give him the pans, he'll start pursuing something else. If he's this obsessive, he'll be able to fabricate something to chase you for. He will endlessly pursue you no matter what, if this is about pursuing you, rather than about the pans.

The point is, this isn't about what he might do or does do or might not do or anything else. This is about you. You can decide that even if he turns up at your house, you don't care. You're going to get on with your life, doing your independent thing, however you want to, and he plays no part, whatever he says. He doesn't have to cope with rejection well. It's fine if he makes the pans the focus of his universe. Let him get on with it. If he hassles you, tell him, in writing (text of email, so you have a record of it) that you want him to leave you alone. If he keeps at it, speak to the police about him. That's it. That's your whole course of action. He's not even part of it.

Very wise advice OP, please take it.

Ok. Thank you. I really hate that I'm reduced to this. Everything worries me at the moment. I've lost all my confidence.

The fact that the pans are of some value (albeit second hand) makes me worry that I'm doing something wrong in ignoring his request for them.

I know I'm not quite getting what you're saying yet, @Watchkeys because I've been triggered by his contact. But I will keep reading what you've written and take some deep breaths.

You are not reduced in any way.

He contacts you, you don't answer. That's dignity and self respect. What is reduced? You may be quivering inside, but have you not seen the Olympic weight lifters lift the barbell over their heads? They shake like hell. Is it because they are reduced to weakness, or because they are choosing to do something at the very limit of their considerable strength?

Shaking inside is the same thing. Your emotional muscles are pushing you for all you are worth to lift the emotional weight of him off you, to push him away. Wibble and wobble... it doesn't matter as long as you don't collapse. You're being an emotional athlete, currently.

Don't see yourself as reduced; you're at the pinnacle of your strength!

Bookmark for later

Thank you so much for your coaching through this- it's so helpful. I've spoken to Women's Aid and have some safety measures put in place. They told me to log it with the police too. I've made sure my blocked emails go to junk. I haven't responded. Something is making me feel very edgy here. I don't like that he's contacted my when I explicitly told him not to.

I don't like that he's contacted my when I explicitly told him not to.

Right.
So if he DOES manage to contact you again, your ONLY response is:
"On [date/time] I explicitly asked you to never contact me again. You have chosen to ignore that request, so this is a final warning. If you contact me again, by any media or method, you will be reported to the police for harrassment."

FYI - once a (written) request for no contact has been made, just TWO more instances of repeated contact constitutes an offence. So you only "need" one more. This is a win/win for you - he might never contact you again - win for you!
Or he might be an idiot & blot his own copybook - win for you!
The police will advise you on this, & you MUST lodge it with them. You taking those simple (I'm not saying easy, it's distressing, but necessary) steps will guarantee your right to have the police act on your behalf. They WILL intervene in these circumstances.
But you must follow this process to the letter, not get derailed if he starts to pester you again, & NEVER ENGAGE beyond the phrase suggested above.

OP - read Watchkeys' stonking paragraphs about strength again.
You are stronger than you yet know.
Most abused women are - they have to be, to function while surviving the nearly unendurable.
You've got this. Just keep playing it by the book. Courage, mon brave!

Something is making me feel very edgy here. I don't like that he's contacted my when I explicitly told him not to.

Also - you are feeling edgy because he has trained you to feel edgy.
And because he has deliberately transgressed your no contact request.
He knows this. It gives him pleasure, & a feeling of power.
However ... IT IS JUST BRINKMANSHIP.

Ignore him unless he is stupid enough to trangress again.
That's YOUR brinkmanship. You show him his pan-nonsense is not going to get him the response he wants.
Then - if he does it again - deploy the law.

You have a very strong 'self defense' mechanism. I did too. The mind jumps right to a panicky 'how do I defuse?' And in our 'before times' (before we left/kicked them out) defusing meant to give them what they wanted, NOW, or there would be hell to pay. So that's what we did, automatically and without a conscious thought.

You're in the 'betwixt' phase. You automatically want to do what they demand, but part of you also realizes that you don't have to, not anymore. What a conflict in our minds, no? And the only way to get over that hurdle is to be the 'new you' and NOT do what they want. Scary thought!

But remember, he's no longer in your presence. He's not there to shout, push, or follow you around getting in your face. So you are safe in just ignoring him. You have a locked doors between you and him. You have a phone you don't have to answer. You have email you can either go to 'junk' or in some systems you can set up to 'auto return' so you never see it, they just get their email back with message 'undeliverable'. You have WA and the police. You have YOU.

I agree with PP above, this is his way of testing his control over you. If you react/respond it will encourage him to keep at you, hoping to break you down. But we know that's NOT going to happen. My advice is to ignore.

You need to take time, sit quietly, and gather your thoughts. Read 'The List'. If, after taking that time, you decide to return the pans then you do it without contacting him in any way. Either someone (not you) puts them on his doorstep, rings the bell then walks away (no conversations to be 'reported to you) or you send them the cheapest way possible with no return address and no communications that they have been sent. But my advice, ignore him.

Something to think about; during a nasty divorce my friend had me read her emails from her STBX. He wasn't physically threatening, more just nasty and verbally abusive and she just didn't want to hear it. She never looked at them. I read them and told her anything she needed to know, then we trashed them. If you are/start getting emails from him you may want to consider that.

Speaking of 'stuff left behind', my ex accidentally left behind a rather expensive fucking ugly large wooden bowl. I took a hammer to it, doused it in petrol and burnt it to cinders about a week after he left. Boy, did that feel great!!!

I would reply, just once to tell him if he contacts you again or comes near your property, you will report him for harassment. The pps message regarding it is a good one

Send the pans back to him recorded delivery if you want. Gives him less excuse to just turn up.
As for the tickets- hahaha ha ha. No way. The cheeky git.

Think I'd post the pans next day recorded and once you know he has them then id email him. That way he wasnt expecting them so he'd be more likely to take the package in.

Alternatively, ignore all of it and if he shows up, dont answer the door. If he won't leave then call the police.

It's actually laughable how predictable his lot are. You didn't go running after him so he is shitting himself trying to find other ways to worm his way back/punish you for not chasing after him.

Has he started telling your mutual friends and family that you are crazy (and he us worried about you) yet? Or that you cheated on him? Or some other bs. Because that's another choice nut they like to use.

Just keep him blocked and be careful who you share info you don't want to get back to him with.

Hopefully he will run out of hot air soon.