Snooped again and feeling worse than ever

[Boatinggirl27]

I posted on here a while ago, been with partner around 9 months. Not sure how to link my previous thread?

in a nutshell, when we started dating he’d told me about an ‘old friend’ who he’d known many years ago and how she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me? She is very vocal on his social media pages, birthdays etc telling him
how much she loves him. A few months ago she popped up on his phone on messenger. He doesn’t know I saw it. I didn’t know they were still in touch so shocked me a little as last he’d mentioned she’d gone ‘radio silent’ and how that was ‘good enough for me’ and how she’s a bit bonkers?

I did a really stupid thing snd snooped again. YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT!!! I really do know I shouldn’t but I have trust issues and this whole scenario made me doubt him.

his marriage broke up nearly two years ago and he’s told me how since, he’s thought about me constantly. Told me how he’d wanted to ask me out a lot earlier than he did.

I looked back at the messages with this woman and late last year they were sharing VERY flirty messages. Apparently he’d stayed with her 20 odd years ago when he went around the world backpacking. She lives on another continent but they obviously know each other from when she lived in his home town all those years ago? These messages suggest they never kissed or slept together and how he’s gutted it never happened. She mentioned how he’d left her ‘high and dry’ or something like that? She suggests he moves over to where she lives he’s said don’t tempt me and only if she’s waiting naked!!! Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I don’t know how to move on???

Op, the man doesn’t really know her. She’s a girl he met backpacking. It’s been an easy friendship for 3 decades and he may have found her attractive. But he doesn’t know her and certainly can’t love her. It was a fun and care free time, that’s it. A bit of nostalgia.

I’ve been in love several times in my life and when a relationship breaks down, you go for comfort and reassurance.

But whenever I’ve been in love and happy in a relationship, I only think of my partner that way.

Enjoy your relationship and if this continues to affect you then get some therapy.

@Musti they knew each other from living in the same UK town as teenagers. He went backpacking in his late teens, stayed with her as she’d emigrated? It seems they reconnected on social media a few years ago and when his marriage broke up according to their messages she was his ‘oldest friend’ ‘there when the shit hit the fan’ ‘went over and above’ ‘never forget how you were there for me’ I’ve not snooped again and I’m not going to but stupidly because I did, it’s left me with lots of unanswered questions? He obviously never physically saw her, she has children too. I’m guessing lots of phone calls, FaceTime? Then he’s obviously reminisced about when they were backpacking and how he’d wished it had gone further, hence him calling her by his surname as tho he’d wished he’d married her?

I think this, and the fact that you're having to deal with all this shit due to his dysfunctional mess of a former marriage (you used the phrase "get through it together"... FFS a relationship is supposed to be lovely and fun in the early part, instead you seem to be being used a support human, you're falling into the typical female narrative of feeling a relationship should be all about you supporting.your partner) ..... Means you should get out of there.

There must be nicer easier relationships you can have, you have no baggage, he has Heathrow's main baggage department, your child is up and out, he's got years ahead of him, with very difficult, messy, stressful co-parenting. You can do better. You don't have to take on his shoe show.

I think he's manipulating you with all the 'only person I've had feelings for" and "whispered I loved you at a party" shit.

Was he still married when he supposedly whispered that? Very appropriate!

He wants someone local to support him/shore him up, you're it.

I think your instincts and disquiet are correct.

You don't have to take on his shit show.

i feel he is with me as imhere, she’s not. Had she been I feel like they would be together. I feel second best.

OP this loop of thought you're stuck on is exhausting. You must be exhausted.

You're completely preoccupied with it but don't seem to be willing to end the relationship .

And it will end, because this isn't in any way sustainable. Or it will become toxic.

Are you willing to actually consider ending it?

He told this woman, when he told her about dating me, they he didn’t want to be on his own.

Sounds like he was implying he wasn't in love etc. He was implying you'd do, anyone would do. That perhaps she was not in that category but she's not local and he can't move so ...

No wonder you feel uncomfortable & unhappy.

Alongside finding out that "you're the only person I've had romantic feelings for since my marriage split" was not true, and that he used the same ol marriage bait lines on her as you .....

I don't like his circumstances, he's getting the better deal by far with you.
I don't like his behaviour.
As I said I think you're entirely justified in your unease.

I'd advise you not to invest further. It's not even a year.

You're a lovely, solid, stable lady with no baggage/issues and he's taking advantage of your long acquaintance to latch onto you and use you for company and support.

I also think he's introduced as a partner too early (at all but given the mess of his former marriage and situation for his younger kids).
Irresponsible and selfish.

Also, within less than 9 months, doing the cutsy "married names" thing and telling you he's going to marry you eventually.

Too early, too much, too soon, OTT, couldn't be sincere (and comes across as bait to get you to stay with him and his fucked up post marriage shit show) .... or if it is, makes him look like a desperado, can't be alone, codependent rusher type.

You're suffering cognitive dissonance from what he's saying about his feelings for you, and what you've seen in his messages to his "friend".

It's entirely understandable.

I think you've had a very very unfair (and decidedly stupid at times) response on her with this thread.

@Boatinggirl27
He obviously never physically saw her, she has children too. I’m guessing lots of phone calls, FaceTime? Then he’s obviously reminisced about when they were backpacking and how he’d wished it had gone further, hence him calling her by his surname as tho he’d wished he’d married her?

I can now understand why your like the way you are.

Him calling her his surname would make me uncomfortable too. He wished it gone further too.

I wonder if you should ask him to tell you about her without saying you snooped in his phone. You know one day they might meet in person and it definitely feels like unfinished business between them.

Feeling second best not good at all. Like I told you feel the same. My guy has told me this female friend wanted to marry him and her family made her marry another guy. So I believe she loved my DP or definitely had feeling but think he felt the same.

If suddenly she came to see him and he said he would meet her how would you feel?

You can't stop him either because you come off jealous when you have reason too be. You seen those messages.

Please think if you can carry on with him knowing this.

I’m so exhausted

Do you think that you should, nine months into a relationship, be exhausted with it? Preoccupied and anxious about it? Feeling like he's settling for you?

Nine months in!

Why are you so unwilling to consider ending it? Are you really more afraid of being single than you are of feeling this way (and worse) for the rest of your life?

OP you are torturing yourself with this. Is it really worth all this doubt and jealousy? It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him.

This relationship is not making you happy and I don't think he would be happy if he knew you were secretly going through his phone, obsessing over private messages that must go back years by now.

I don't think he owes you an explanation because I don't think he's done anything wrong and I don't think he should have to explain a decades old friendship to you but I do think you should consider telling him how deeply insecure you are and that this woman has become a fixation for you. Either he can set your mind at ease or not. If not then you need to move on.

I wouldn't be making demands or ultimatums, I don't think that's fair. He is allowed to have friends, even ones he may once have been attracted to.

It seems to me that nothing will really satisfy you because ultimately you don't trust him.

I really think you should strongly consider ending this relationship.

Dump him and run for the hills OP. Your time is valuable. I wouldn’t waste another second on him.

It's exhausting reading this, I feel for you but you really are making a mountain of a molehill and looking for problems, does happiness scare you?

@CookPassBabtridge i alternate between thinking I am making a mountain out of a molehill and thinking he’s lying to me.

I do love him like I’ve said I’ve known him so long and we were friends first. We’ve shared loads of funny memes snd stories with each other for years but it never crossed a line as he was married. Only the one time when he said he’d told me he loved me. But his marriage had almost come to an end then and he never acted on it. I want it to work I really do. He is very loving, shares everything. He’s at work right now and I just had a message telling me he loves me out of the blue. I want those feelings I don’t want to feel he’s lying to me or like you say am I making something out of nothing?

Although OP hasn't answered this question, I think she's made it obvious that she won't end the relationship.

So this cycle of suspicion will just go on and on...

OP, it's really sad that you'd put yourself through all this torment when there is a solution available to you.

We’ve shared loads of funny memes snd stories with each other for years but it never crossed a line as he was married. Only the one time when he said he’d told me he loved me. But his marriage had almost come to an end then and he never acted on it.

He told you he loved you when he was still married? As in he said it to you while he was still married?

@Boatinggirl27

For now just put this whole thing back of your head for now but also keep a watch incase they meet face to face one day. Ignore what the conversations they having in his phone.

Hi @Boatinggirl27 I’ve been trying to keep up with this thread and you really have tired yourself up in knots over this but can I ask - why don’t you just sit down and TALK to him?
Be honest, you snooped and wish you hadn’t but you have concerns?
Until you get this out in the open with him you are going to continue going round and round in circles and will get nowhere other than more insecure and uncertain.
I don’t think you are being very fair to him but also to yourself!
At the end of the day being honest and actually communicating with each other about this has got to be better than how you’re feeling at the moment!

@AiryFairyLights i don’t want to admit I’ve snooped. I really don’t. It’s really not who I am. I’ve been insecure all my
life but never resorted to it. I’m ashamed of doing it. However, I’m fearful if I bring the subject up, for example, casually mention is he still in touch with her, he’ll say no he isn’t and because I’ve snooped, I’ll know he’s lying. I’m also scared of the fact he does have feelings for her.

@Ithurtbad i think it’s highly unlikely they’ll physically meet up she’s thousands of miles away, with children. He has children here and very long haul so not even able to be done in a weekend.

However, I’m fearful if I bring the subject up, for example, casually mention is he still in touch with her, he’ll say no he isn’t and because I’ve snooped, I’ll know he’s lying

So you'd rather live with the fear that if you asked him a simple question, he would lie to you? And you imagine that is a sustainable way of managing a relationship?

If he is lying - you need to know.
Because this woman is looming so large in your relationship with your new man that she may as well be living next door, not on a different continent.

And there is every chance that if you asked your b/f about her, he might say "oh yeah, we're back in touch" because - to him - it's a low contact, distant friendship that he is content to maintain with minimal effort, but doesn't spend any time thinking about.

How could you not rather know?
And spend the rest of your relationship obsessing about this woman, worrying & feeling guilty about how you've snooped, & imagining that your b/f has told you a deliberate lie?

So the alternative is this? You going round in circles over thinking, over analysing and slowly driving yourself mad?
You can try ignoring it all you want but that’s the quickest way for you to push him away or drive an invisible wedge between you both and it’ll get to a point where you simply won’t be able to recover from it! Surely being open and honest has got to be better than that - and you give the guy a chance to explain/defend/reassure you!

This is obsessional thinking of the highest order.

You need professional help to resolve this.

How about for now you take NO ACTION on the relationship. Dont dump him, don't confront him, don't snoop.

And spend some time researching therapy options or failing that there are some key terms about YOUR thought patterns that you can read up on and reflect that, but I doubt that will help.

Cutting out any caffeine, cigarettes, recreational drugs and alcohol may slightly lessen this pattern you are in.

Focus on you. YOU are not in a good place right now.