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Original poster

Snooped again and feeling worse than ever

295 replies

Boatinggirl27 · 26/10/2022 09:19

I posted on here a while ago, been with partner around 9 months. Not sure how to link my previous thread?

in a nutshell, when we started dating he’d told me about an ‘old friend’ who he’d known many years ago and how she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me? She is very vocal on his social media pages, birthdays etc telling him
how much she loves him. A few months ago she popped up on his phone on messenger. He doesn’t know I saw it. I didn’t know they were still in touch so shocked me a little as last he’d mentioned she’d gone ‘radio silent’ and how that was ‘good enough for me’ and how she’s a bit bonkers?

I did a really stupid thing snd snooped again. YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT!!! I really do know I shouldn’t but I have trust issues and this whole scenario made me doubt him.

his marriage broke up nearly two years ago and he’s told me how since, he’s thought about me constantly. Told me how he’d wanted to ask me out a lot earlier than he did.

I looked back at the messages with this woman and late last year they were sharing VERY flirty messages. Apparently he’d stayed with her 20 odd years ago when he went around the world backpacking. She lives on another continent but they obviously know each other from when she lived in his home town all those years ago? These messages suggest they never kissed or slept together and how he’s gutted it never happened. She mentioned how he’d left her ‘high and dry’ or something like that? She suggests he moves over to where she lives he’s said don’t tempt me and only if she’s waiting naked!!! Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I don’t know how to move on???

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 01/11/2022 21:25

i don’t want to admit I’ve snooped. I really don’t. It’s really not who I am.

Yes it is. You've snooped and are seeing red over things he did and said before you were together. You're determined it was wrong even if it wasn't.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 02/11/2022 08:16

Boatinggirl27 · 01/11/2022 10:16

@CookPassBabtridge i alternate between thinking I am making a mountain out of a molehill and thinking he’s lying to me.

I do love him like I’ve said I’ve known him so long and we were friends first. We’ve shared loads of funny memes snd stories with each other for years but it never crossed a line as he was married. Only the one time when he said he’d told me he loved me. But his marriage had almost come to an end then and he never acted on it. I want it to work I really do. He is very loving, shares everything. He’s at work right now and I just had a message telling me he loves me out of the blue. I want those feelings I don’t want to feel he’s lying to me or like you say am I making something out of nothing?

This just gets worse. So it was acceptable for him to tell you he loved you when his 'marriage had almost come to an end' (whatever on Earth that means) yet its unacceptable for him to have spoken to another woman in any sort of similar manner before you even met him? Maybe if you hadn't been so quick to jump for a married man yourself, you'd find you'd be less paranoid of him having it off with someone else like he did with his ex wife 🙄

Unbelievable.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 09:33

@EmilyGilmoresSass that’s a bit harsh? He’d been separated 18 months when we got together. He did tell me he’d loved me yes, rightly or wrongly, and his marriage was already broken as his ex had already told him she didn’t love him and wanted to split. Nothing was acted on. Nothing else was said. No messages exchanged.

OP posts:
Shallysally · 02/11/2022 09:44

Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 09:33

@EmilyGilmoresSass that’s a bit harsh? He’d been separated 18 months when we got together. He did tell me he’d loved me yes, rightly or wrongly, and his marriage was already broken as his ex had already told him she didn’t love him and wanted to split. Nothing was acted on. Nothing else was said. No messages exchanged.

But for him to tell you he loved you, surely you were in some sort of a relationship whilst he was still his wife? Double standards don’t you think?

And yet here you are with your head in knots about this other woman and the fact they are still friends now?

Sorry OP, I don’t know the timeline here. Was he chatting/flirting with you both at the same time then?

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 10:07

@Shallysally ive known him years. When his marriage broke up I was there for him as a family friend. His sister is one of my close friends, his parents are close friends. There was no flirting or crossing the lines. Then early this year we’d had a family event and he asked me out. 18 months after his wife had left. He’s since told me that he’d liked me for a while but didn’t want to jump straight into another relationship because of his children. Because I stupidly snooped I’ve seen that late last year he’d been exchanging flirty texts with this woman. And I know it’s nothing to do with me as we weren’t together. But it’s because he’d told me he’d wanted to be with me sooner.

OP posts:
EmilyGilmoresSass · 02/11/2022 10:14

Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 09:33

@EmilyGilmoresSass that’s a bit harsh? He’d been separated 18 months when we got together. He did tell me he’d loved me yes, rightly or wrongly, and his marriage was already broken as his ex had already told him she didn’t love him and wanted to split. Nothing was acted on. Nothing else was said. No messages exchanged.

No actually, not harsh at all. You're sitting moaning on about a woman he isn't even with, who he met BEFORE you were together, but you quite happily plowed on in while he was still married to someone else. And you've admitted that she said she wanted to split, so they clearly hadn't at that point. But sure. Because it was you, he was allowed to save he loved someone else then. In worse circumstances.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 10:16

@EmilyGilmoresSass I never ploughed in anywhere? He’d told me he loved me, it was a party, I was drunk I don’t remember it and certainly didn’t act on it, neither did he. We got together 18 months after his wife left. I never pursued a married man.

OP posts:
Emptyandsad · 02/11/2022 10:17

If you want there to be no secrets between you then you will have to admit to him you've been snooping (that's your secret) and then have a proper discussion about this other relationship. Openness goes both ways.

Personally I feel that you are worrying about a fantasy relationship. She's on a different continent, they haven't seen each other for 25 or more years; their chat is just make-believe. I think if you raise it with him as a risk to your relationship he will drop her like a brick and realise that he's being a bit of a dick.

But you are being a bit of a dick too, in a different way. Talk to him about it, explain how you feel and see how he reacts. If you can't be truthful to him, how can you expect him to be truthful to you?

But don't stress about what he felt, or said, or thought before you two were together. That's Crazyland...

monsteramunch · 02/11/2022 10:27

He told you he loved you while he was married. Maybe that's why you don't trust him.

Because you know he's capable of being with someone while having feelings for someone else and acting on it. And before you say he didn't act on it, he absolutely did act on it. Telling someone else you're in love with them is massively acting on it and IMO even worse than a drunken snog!

This relationship is fraught and drama filled and it's nine months in.

You must enjoy the drama on some level otherwise there's no explanation for why you're entertaining continuing this relationship.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 11:14

@Emptyandsad thank you. I don’t want him to stop having female friends that’s certainly not the issue!! His other female friends, work colleagues, even his ex wife, I don’t feel threatened by in the slightest. It’s just this one woman. Which is why I stupidly looked at his phone to start with! If I’d known they were still in touch after him telling me she’s blanked him, she was some casual mate from years ago who he’d stayed with when he went backpacking, who keeps posting lovey messages on his social media….. I honestly think it would be different? But then he has lots of male friends who he messages and doesn’t tell me about so why should I worry?

OP posts:
Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 11:16

@monsteramunch in all honesty, if I HAD heard him tell me he loved me I would've took it exactly as I feel when his family tell me the same…… they look at me as an extension to their family and saying love you isn’t unfamiliar.

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 02/11/2022 11:19

You’re literally just saying the same thing over and over. What’s your plan, here?

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 11:23

@RishisProudMum i honestly don’t know. I’m going round and round because I don’t know. I’m going round and round because I don’t know what is the best thing here? Some perspective been put on it today as a friend of mine has suddenly died and to be honest that makes me think this is all so not worth bothering about. Im still here! That’s the important thing!

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 02/11/2022 11:58

Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 11:23

@RishisProudMum i honestly don’t know. I’m going round and round because I don’t know. I’m going round and round because I don’t know what is the best thing here? Some perspective been put on it today as a friend of mine has suddenly died and to be honest that makes me think this is all so not worth bothering about. Im still here! That’s the important thing!

I was going to get all tough love on you (I really don’t approve of your behaviour, as I’ve already said). But, you don’t need that right now. I’m very sorry about your friend. Perhaps take a break from all this, grieve properly and be nice to yourself.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 12:33

@RishisProudMum thank you trust me I DO need someone getting tough with me but todays events have knocked me.

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 02/11/2022 13:59

I think your issue is that you are shaken due to him telling you you were the only one he was thinking about when that clearly wasnt the case. Its not something you need to bring up with him though as you would just sound weird and needy.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 14:18

@Shgytfgtf111 yes you’re probably correct. I shouldn’t have snooped and I wasn’t expecting it.

OP posts:
mikulkin · 02/11/2022 16:17

OP, with all due respect 10 pages later and you still repeat the same thing.
You keep asking, don't you understand how I feel? Frankly i don't, i think you are looking for a problem when there is none, you are sabotaging a good relationship due to your own insecurities.

He is an adult, he had life before you, he was allowed to flirt before you even if he thought about you. You sound like a teenager, yes, he thought about you, but he still was allowed to flirt and not report to you about that.
He doesn't need to report to you that he is still in touch with her.
Maybe she did go silent on him, maybe she didn't and he was embarrassed about flirting and hence was saying she went silent on him, but it is still not a big deal.
Who cares what would have happened if she was in the UK. The point is she is not and he is not remotely interested in her now that he is with you.

Ithurtbad · 02/11/2022 17:53

@Boatinggirl27

Sorry to hear a friend of yours has suddenly passed away.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 02/11/2022 20:05

@Ithurtbad thank you it was a huge shock

OP posts:
PinotPony · 02/11/2022 21:11

OMG! A week later and this is still going?!

The same questions over and over again... with no plan of action, I'm astounded that you haven't moved on with your thinking.

What more do you think people on here are going to say?

EmilyGilmoresSass · 02/11/2022 21:25

PinotPony · 02/11/2022 21:11

OMG! A week later and this is still going?!

The same questions over and over again... with no plan of action, I'm astounded that you haven't moved on with your thinking.

What more do you think people on here are going to say?

I've certainly given up.

friendlycat · 02/11/2022 22:40

I have to admit too that it’s getting rather frustrating responding with suggestions that you won’t entertain and you just keep posting the same doubts that you have. You really don’t seem prepared to help yourself at all here.

Most people have responded fairly unilaterally but you still won’t engage with their suggestions.

At the end of the day there are literally just a few options open to you, especially in light of the fact his friend lives on another continent and is married with children and they haven’t seen each other for years !

The most logical way forward would be to put all of your niggles behind you and develop your relationship further with time. If you don’t feel you can do that then you literally admit that you looked at his phone and you discuss your feelings and have an adult conversation around all of this issue.

If you aren’t prepared to do either of those then perhaps this relationship, or any relationship, isn’t for you at the moment. Ask yourself this. If the boot was on the other foot and he had looked at your phone and was troubled about messages he had seen what would you want or expect him to do to resolve the issues troubling him? Just turn it around and try and get your approach from the role reversal.

Ekátn · 03/11/2022 05:14

I do t think op wants to sort it out. I think some people want to be in personal distress. It’s like they are addicted to the drama of it.

Ithurtbad · 03/11/2022 06:34

@EmilyGilmoresSass

You don't have to look at this whole thread. We are not the OP we don't know her DP and we certainly don't know this woman. We only going on what she is saying. We can't say she is wrong we just really don't know if there is anything to worry about or not. Although it points to he done nothing wrong or hasn't seen this woman in person in years. There could be something even OP doesn't know still.
At the moment yes I agree she should relax enjoy relationship.
I do think her feelings of worry are valid even if you feel she got nothing to worry. She has trust issues but that doesn't mean she not right in what she thinking.
I believe emotional affair has happened with this woman. But in time OP DP has shut the woman down but there will always be a thing or closeness between them. She is feeling threatened but yes she shouldn't of looked at his personal messages. Until you been in a situation you can't comment.
OP has posted yesterday about losing a friend suddenly and yet your still moaning in notify yourselves from this thread. She has been given good advice.
There is something called a gut feeling and I believe you don't just think this up all for nothing. People like to have you believe your crazy but we really don't know 100% for sure anything.
Imagine if she is right in what she saying and your all look stupid. She has spoken to her DP but imagine he admits what she thinking.
Again we just don't know as the messages seem innocent. We don't know the mind of her DP. We are not in the relationship with this man ourselves to know.
Although I personally feel there definitely a lot going on with this man. She needs to be careful anyway.