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Original poster

Snooped again and feeling worse than ever

295 replies

Boatinggirl27 · 26/10/2022 09:19

I posted on here a while ago, been with partner around 9 months. Not sure how to link my previous thread?

in a nutshell, when we started dating he’d told me about an ‘old friend’ who he’d known many years ago and how she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me? She is very vocal on his social media pages, birthdays etc telling him
how much she loves him. A few months ago she popped up on his phone on messenger. He doesn’t know I saw it. I didn’t know they were still in touch so shocked me a little as last he’d mentioned she’d gone ‘radio silent’ and how that was ‘good enough for me’ and how she’s a bit bonkers?

I did a really stupid thing snd snooped again. YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT!!! I really do know I shouldn’t but I have trust issues and this whole scenario made me doubt him.

his marriage broke up nearly two years ago and he’s told me how since, he’s thought about me constantly. Told me how he’d wanted to ask me out a lot earlier than he did.

I looked back at the messages with this woman and late last year they were sharing VERY flirty messages. Apparently he’d stayed with her 20 odd years ago when he went around the world backpacking. She lives on another continent but they obviously know each other from when she lived in his home town all those years ago? These messages suggest they never kissed or slept together and how he’s gutted it never happened. She mentioned how he’d left her ‘high and dry’ or something like that? She suggests he moves over to where she lives he’s said don’t tempt me and only if she’s waiting naked!!! Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I don’t know how to move on???

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 26/10/2022 09:24

You've not been with him long at all.

He's been gaslighting you about this woman.

You've already had a big issue to the extent you've snooped.

He is messaging another women he's got a long standing 'friendship' basically with saying he would shag her if he had the chance.

Do you think healthy relationships ever start like this?

You've not even been together a year. You've no financial ties. You've no children together. You presumably don't live together or have a mortgage together.

You'd be mad not to just break up with him.

Newusernameaug · 26/10/2022 09:26

When were the message sent, especially about waiting naked and using his last name? It’s important to know if this was before you were together or not?
what have the messages said that are being exchanged now?

shivermetimbers77 · 26/10/2022 09:30

Hi OP, were the messages from before you got together? If so, then I don’t see a problem.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 26/10/2022 09:32

The flirty messages were before we got together. The last few exchanges have been more ‘friendly’ ie catch up messages him telling her about his divorce etc. there are a few where he’s mentioned me, he’s told her all about when he asked me out, how it seems to be going well. There’s another saying how he hopes she finds true love and how she deserves it. Lots of ‘love you’ endings way back but they seem to have petered out. I’m just shocked as he insinuated to me that he’d thought of nothing but me since his divorce.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 26/10/2022 09:34

I don't think there is anything amiss here. The messages since you've been together have been fine. Before I met my partner I sent a couple of old flames very flirty messages, but as soon as I got with him it stopped completely as he is my only focus.

lilroo87 · 26/10/2022 09:38

To be honest OP, you've really not been together long and have snooped through his phone because your gut has told you something isn't right.
This is going to be with you throughout your whole relationship and you'll keep snooping to make sure nothing is going on with them. That isn't healthy and will consume you.
At such a short time together, I would probably break

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 26/10/2022 09:38

@OrlandointheWilderness hes told me how he thought of me constantly since his marriage broke up. I must add he’s been a family friend for years so we know each other well. He said how he wanted to ask me out on a night out back in June last year. He’s told me it’s been only me. He calls me my first name and his last as he’s told me he wants to marry me eventually. I felt really special but having seen these messages I don’t know what to think? At least I guess they never slept together but …….

OP posts:
Ekátn · 26/10/2022 09:43

I still don’t see the issue.

Did you really believe that while he was single he never entertained anyone else and was just longing for you?

I had a keen interest in dp before we were together. Didn’t remain celibate. Didn’t not flirt etc with other people.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 26/10/2022 09:47

@Ekátn i need to hear this point of view as I need to know whether this is relationship breaking or me over reacting?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 26/10/2022 09:51

Nah you can't give him a bollocking for a long distance flirtation from before you were together. Let it go.

monsteramunch · 26/10/2022 09:52

monsteramunch · 26/10/2022 09:24

You've not been with him long at all.

He's been gaslighting you about this woman.

You've already had a big issue to the extent you've snooped.

He is messaging another women he's got a long standing 'friendship' basically with saying he would shag her if he had the chance.

Do you think healthy relationships ever start like this?

You've not even been together a year. You've no financial ties. You've no children together. You presumably don't live together or have a mortgage together.

You'd be mad not to just break up with him.

Have realised from other posts that the messages aren't from when you we're together.

You've not been together long at all.

You already have a big issue in the relationship.

You've snooped.

It's not working OP, it shouldn't be anxiety inducing like this nine months in and I agree with others, your expectations are strange as you weren't together when he sent the messages..,

AnonWeeMouse · 26/10/2022 09:54

9 months I to a relationship.
Your jealous / insecure / suspicious of who is texting him enough to snoop... twice.

Just leave, it's not worth it.

If you stay, all that will happen is your Jealousy / insecurity / suspicions will eat you alive, none of them will stop him if he's cheating, it'll just hollow you out to an husk of a person.

Bookworm20 · 26/10/2022 09:59

If the flirty stuff was before you got together, and its not really happened since, then I think that bit you can let go.

However, the name thing, which made you feel special and now you know he does it with her, and probably everyone else hes been with is is a bit shit. I can understand how that would feel hurtful.
The thing that would make me think twice about him is the lies. How he told you he'd thought of only you since his divorce, adding in this special name thing and basically making you feel special, when all the time he was doing the exact same with someone else.
Whether hes just a bit of an idiot, or purposely knows what he was doing, I don't know. But he has drawn you in based on that. if there was nothing in it with this woman, why not be upfront with you about it. And I imagine you'd of had no issues if he'd been upfront and honest and admitted he had a bit of a crush on so and so, but realised he wants to make it work with you.

Can't understand it when men hide things, which may be absolutely nothing really in the greater scheme of things, it just causes mistrust and has made you feel pretty shit I imagine.

Thesearmsofmine · 26/10/2022 10:00

The flirty messages were from before you were together. If you really believed that he only ever thought of you and he was so busy thinking of you that he couldn’t flirt with other women then you are very naive. It sounds like a long standing friendship and over the years there has been flirtation on and off but it hasn’t gone further, if they had wanted it to go further they would have.

However you are in a fairly new relationship and are already snooping and feeling insecure. It’s not a healthy way to live and I think you would be unwise to continue the relationship with this man.

CarefreeMe · 26/10/2022 10:09

It’s been 9 months and you don’t trust him, are snooping through his private messages, he’s texting other women - it’s honestly not worth it.

You will never get over this insecurity you have and he’s never going to stop messaging her.
Are you really going to spend the next year or more feeling like this?

I have a rule.
If a relationship causes me to second guess myself, feel insecure or create unnecessary drama within the first 12 months, then it’s just not worth it as that’s as good as the relationship will ever get.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 26/10/2022 10:11

Ekátn · 26/10/2022 09:43

I still don’t see the issue.

Did you really believe that while he was single he never entertained anyone else and was just longing for you?

I had a keen interest in dp before we were together. Didn’t remain celibate. Didn’t not flirt etc with other people.

This.

He’s done and said nothing inappropriate since he’s been with you, and he’s been upfront with her about the fact he’s with you. If their friendship (and potential sexual chemistry) is going to eat you alive, then I agree with other posters that the relationship is probably not worth pursuing bc it’ll be miserable for both of you.

The question is whether or not this level of anxiety and lack of trust is directly related to this situation, or whether you have trust issues generally? If so you may need to do some work on that before you’re ready to be in any relationship, otherwise you’ll always end up second guessing your partner’s motives, and that’s just not a healthy or happy way to live.

Also, how will your current BF feel if he knows you’ve gone through his phone? And if you choose not to tell him then you’re left sitting with that secret. Either way, it’s not a great foundation, is it?

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 26/10/2022 10:14

I've been with my husband for 8 years and have never felt the need to go through his phone, if I had, that would be an issue I would consider to be mine rather than his... if you're feeling this insecure over message from BEFORE you were together then I don't think it bodes well for the future IMO. You need to find peace with this or it's going to be a constant niggle in the back of your mind which you will then start projecting in to other things

OrlandointheWilderness · 26/10/2022 10:15

You can be very into the idea of someone and still send messages to someone on the other side of the world. This man has done nothing wrong.
However I'd be a bit worried by how fast this is moving...9 months in is bloody quick to be talking rest of your lives and married etc!

lentilly · 26/10/2022 10:19

Tbh if its 9 months on I think you need to call it quits. You don't seem to trust him and thats for enough

WhatTheHellIsAQuasar · 26/10/2022 10:24

Seems like he hasn’t really done anything wrong. You have snooped through his phone on multiple occasions and that’s just plain wrong. He’s entitled to his privacy - the fact you can’t keep your hands and eyes to yourself is the reason you should end it with him

CarefreeMe · 26/10/2022 10:25

You’ve created at least 3 threads on this guy.

Maybe it’s time to realise that this isn’t working.

HaveYouSeenNancy · 26/10/2022 10:28

I don't think he's done anything wrong. He was a bit flirty with a (safe on another continent) friend whilst single, maybe just for an ego boost?. He's stopped now that he's with you, and talks about how well it's going with you. He wouldn't do that if he was encouraging her. Would he find anything embarrassing if he went through your phone?

Ekátn · 26/10/2022 10:34

Op just had a look at your previous posts. You have posted 3 times about snooping through his phone and finding nothing.

I don’t want to sound horrible. But you are the red flag here. I was married to someone like you and it made me miserable. Constantly worrying about my husband reading my texts and getting upset and bothered about nothing at all.

Either you tell him and go from there or you don’t tell him, continue to do this and make yourself miserable. And betray his trust in you every time you do it.

If you are this insecure you really shouldn’t be planning on marriage or moving in until you deal with your insecurities. It’s not fair on anyone. Including his kids that you will be moving in with.

altmember · 26/10/2022 10:38

Tell him you've been through his private messages and see if he wants to carry on with you. You're the one that's done wrong here.

CarefreeMe · 26/10/2022 10:56

Op just had a look at your previous posts. You have posted 3 times about snooping through his phone and finding nothing.

I don’t want to sound horrible. But you are the red flag here. I was married to someone like you and it made me miserable. Constantly worrying about my husband reading my texts and getting upset and bothered about nothing at all.

I agree.