Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Snooped again and feeling worse than ever

295 replies

Boatinggirl27 · 26/10/2022 09:19

I posted on here a while ago, been with partner around 9 months. Not sure how to link my previous thread?

in a nutshell, when we started dating he’d told me about an ‘old friend’ who he’d known many years ago and how she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me? She is very vocal on his social media pages, birthdays etc telling him
how much she loves him. A few months ago she popped up on his phone on messenger. He doesn’t know I saw it. I didn’t know they were still in touch so shocked me a little as last he’d mentioned she’d gone ‘radio silent’ and how that was ‘good enough for me’ and how she’s a bit bonkers?

I did a really stupid thing snd snooped again. YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT!!! I really do know I shouldn’t but I have trust issues and this whole scenario made me doubt him.

his marriage broke up nearly two years ago and he’s told me how since, he’s thought about me constantly. Told me how he’d wanted to ask me out a lot earlier than he did.

I looked back at the messages with this woman and late last year they were sharing VERY flirty messages. Apparently he’d stayed with her 20 odd years ago when he went around the world backpacking. She lives on another continent but they obviously know each other from when she lived in his home town all those years ago? These messages suggest they never kissed or slept together and how he’s gutted it never happened. She mentioned how he’d left her ‘high and dry’ or something like that? She suggests he moves over to where she lives he’s said don’t tempt me and only if she’s waiting naked!!! Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I don’t know how to move on???

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:08

So you are a separated or divorced lady with no dependants, your son is grown up and independent.

He is a Dad of 4 with some kids still young, a messy, fucked up situation with his ex, herbcjoce of partner, her access to kids etc.

You are not getting the better deal in this relationship, he is.

Back on the finding out he's been dishonest about only thinking romantically about you since his marriage breakdown, and that he uses cheesy, "commitment bait" lines on multiple women ..... I can fully understand your disquiet.

You know the first two yrs or more are about finding out about the person and seeing if you're truly compatible and it's truly the right set up for you. Unfortunately people feel invested etc within that time but that's a fallacy. It's very early days, you should not be invested, you do not owe him anything. His shit is his shit. Women always feel they have to take things on/shoulder them and solve things and support..... It's often to their detriment.

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:12

You have known him as a family friend.... Which means you don't know him as a partner, as an intimate. That is something very different.

You're starting to now.

As I said I fully understand your disquiet.

And the situation you've gottin into with him is a messy, stressy one in the first place.

There may be men/relationships that are a lot less hassle/a lot more simple & chilled. Maybe more like yours.

You have the right to end any relationship you want, a 40 yr marriage let alone a 9 month relationship.

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:13

*Maybe more like yours.

(I mean your situation)

RishisProudMum · 31/10/2022 11:19

Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 10:16

People probably do think I’m worrying about nothing as she is thousands of miles away but she could live on mars and if he has feelings for her he has feelings for her.

everyone who is saying how wrong I am for wanting him to be ‘faithful’ to me before we even got together are misreading what im
getting at. I’ve known this man for years and years he’s a family friend. When his marriage ended he told me he’d thought about me lots and as early as a few months after they split he’d wanted to ask me out. We’d seen each other at various family events. I’m struggling with the fact that whilst he is telling me that, he was having flirty text messages with this woman who he is STILL in touch with.

he isn’t divorced yet it’s all going thru which is stressful. I am by his side, he hides absolutely nothing from me regarding his ex wife. We go thru solicitors letters together we help each other compose various letters, there’s no secrets. As I have none from him. But this ‘friendship’ bothers the hell out of me.

Nobody is misreading anything. We understand what you’re saying, we just think it’s deeply toxic and that your attitude is extremely unhealthy. You’ve had dozens of responses and seem incapable of taking any of them on board.

End this relationship before this all turns ugly, as this poor man doesn’t deserve this nonsense. Then stay single and seek professional help.

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:20

Anyway It sounds like she sought a court order because he would not agree to his kids going to her home because of her partner, so she was stuck seeing them in his home or hanging around public places.

You can understand how that's not a particularly desirable/relaxed prospect.

But has cafcass now let her have her child access in her home in spite of the partner?

RishisProudMum · 31/10/2022 11:21

EmilyGilmoresSass · 31/10/2022 10:47

You literally sound like a teenager. I hope he runs because you seem unhinged.

Show quote history

It’s very scary that people who think like this exist.

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:23

this poor man

Oh bollocks.

He shouldn't have introduced op this quickly to his traumatised kids.

He shouldn't have lied to op about only thinking about her romantically since his marriage broken down when he's been flirting up a storm with another woman (who he's still in contact with), and he shouldn't expect to use cheesy lines about marriage on both of them and not have op feel like they're therefore meaningless (totally understandable).

He's not a poor man.

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:28

Personally I don't think you sound unhinged op 😀

His life is a mess, he's gotten you involved too quickly, and not many people would be all happy and chilled at finding out he's been talking crap about you being his only romantic interest since his marriage broke down and using the same lines about (re) marriage on another woman he's still in contact with.

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:35

he isn’t divorced yet it’s all going thru which is stressful. I am by his side, he hides absolutely nothing from me regarding his ex wife. We go thru solicitors letters together we help each other compose various letters

Why do you feel you should be his support human?

Do you think most men would do this ... Or would they be more self preserving?

What letters does he help compose for you?

Do you feel he would gotten into a relationship with the woman you e found all the flirty messages to if dyed been local? That you're the default because you're local and a nice bastion of emotional and practical support?

He's not very self sufficient, is he?

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 11:35

@LemonDrop22 CAFCASS weren’t keen on the child being taken to her home but have said it’s a ‘progressive’ order but the child doesn’t want it to progress. I can’t say on here what happened but if you knew you’d agree.

do you know I could deal with all the crap regarding the ex and children as it’s all out in the open and we seem to get thru it together. It’s this relationship with this woman! I can’t get past it snd unless I admit I snooped I can’t bring it up.

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 31/10/2022 11:35

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:23

this poor man

Oh bollocks.

He shouldn't have introduced op this quickly to his traumatised kids.

He shouldn't have lied to op about only thinking about her romantically since his marriage broken down when he's been flirting up a storm with another woman (who he's still in contact with), and he shouldn't expect to use cheesy lines about marriage on both of them and not have op feel like they're therefore meaningless (totally understandable).

He's not a poor man.

You seem very determined to blame the man, when OP is clearly being batshit. Nothing about this is understandable. Nothing.

  • He’s been divorced for two years and has introduced his girlfriend of nine months (who they already knew as a long term family friend) to his children as his partner. There is nothing even remotely rushed about that, and there is no indication that the children are traumatised.
  • Cheesy sweet nothings about ‘only thinking of her’ are just that. The fact that you and OP seem to think that equates to some sort of cast iron contract is really quite mad.
  • He could flirt up a storm with anyone he wanted while he was single. Because he was single. And the fact that he kept his chat up lines the same indicates a lack of originality - the absolute horror! 😮
  • OP has been very clear that he is not currently flirting with this woman. He is not required to cut contact with old friends or stop speaking to every woman with whom he has ever flirted because he’s now in a relationship with OP.
  • OP is snooping obsessively, feeling wronged by his actions before they even got together (because he wasn’t pining for her?!) and posting lunacy on here. She needs to break up with him and get some help.
LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:35

Do you feel he would gotten into a relationship with the woman you've found all the flirty messages to if she'd been local?

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:36

There is nothing even remotely rushed about that, and there is no indication that the children are traumatised.

Wrong in both counts.

I've got to go out and can't respond to your other points but may get the chance later.

RishisProudMum · 31/10/2022 11:37

Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 11:35

@LemonDrop22 CAFCASS weren’t keen on the child being taken to her home but have said it’s a ‘progressive’ order but the child doesn’t want it to progress. I can’t say on here what happened but if you knew you’d agree.

do you know I could deal with all the crap regarding the ex and children as it’s all out in the open and we seem to get thru it together. It’s this relationship with this woman! I can’t get past it snd unless I admit I snooped I can’t bring it up.

You’ve found one person to support you (and claim this is all your DP’s fault, therefore giving you the chance to defend him) and that’s who you’ve chosen to engage with. Not the dozens of people who have clearly explained how incredibly unhealthy your behaviour is.

I think that’s interesting.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 11:38

@LemonDrop22 i don’t think he’d be with me if she lived in the UK I think he’d be with her? I feel I’m the ‘she’ll do’ person. He told this woman, when he told her about dating me, they he didn’t want to be on his own. He has told me he didn’t want to be on his own. I don’t think he’s ever been on his own. She jokingly said move to where she lives (different continent!!) he said don’t tempt me!! I think if it was possible he would’ve done it so all those that say if he wanted to be with her he would be I don’t believe! I feel if she was closer he would be

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 31/10/2022 11:39

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:36

There is nothing even remotely rushed about that, and there is no indication that the children are traumatised.

Wrong in both counts.

I've got to go out and can't respond to your other points but may get the chance later.

Stating that I’m wrong isn’t really the knockout response you seem to think it is. I think everything you’ve written on this thread is crazed unsubstantiated nonsense. I assume you’ll be back with more of the same, so I’ll probably ignore it.

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:39

He could flirt up a storm with anyone he wanted while he was single. Because he was single. And the fact that he kept his chat up lines the same indicates a lack of originality - the absolute horror! 😮

Where did I say he couldn't?

Have you read a different thread?

It's his lies to op, not even illicited, on the subject that are disquieting.

Ime men who flirt and court using marriage as a tool early on are utter dicks and untrustworthy.

Just my experience. I'd warn anyone with a man like that.

RishisProudMum · 31/10/2022 11:43

LemonDrop22 · 31/10/2022 11:39

He could flirt up a storm with anyone he wanted while he was single. Because he was single. And the fact that he kept his chat up lines the same indicates a lack of originality - the absolute horror! 😮

Where did I say he couldn't?

Have you read a different thread?

It's his lies to op, not even illicited, on the subject that are disquieting.

Ime men who flirt and court using marriage as a tool early on are utter dicks and untrustworthy.

Just my experience. I'd warn anyone with a man like that.

You’re the one who appears to have read a different thread to everyone else. And, as I suspected, more unsubstantiated gibberish. ‘Illicited’ isn’t even a word in the English language. Definitely ignoring you. Take care.

monsteramunch · 31/10/2022 11:43

I feel I’m the ‘she’ll do’ person.

If you feel this way then you need to break up.

You clearly don't want to even though people have said that either your behaviour is toxic or his is toxic, so I'm not sure what else people can add really?

Shallysally · 31/10/2022 12:01

Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 11:38

@LemonDrop22 i don’t think he’d be with me if she lived in the UK I think he’d be with her? I feel I’m the ‘she’ll do’ person. He told this woman, when he told her about dating me, they he didn’t want to be on his own. He has told me he didn’t want to be on his own. I don’t think he’s ever been on his own. She jokingly said move to where she lives (different continent!!) he said don’t tempt me!! I think if it was possible he would’ve done it so all those that say if he wanted to be with her he would be I don’t believe! I feel if she was closer he would be

So did he take any time for himself to busy have a period of time when he was single? He had come out of a long relationship. He maybe needed some time to adjust to that, to just get over his ex. Whoever instigated the break it is still difficult.

He is choosing to be with you. If you feel
that you are his make do person then change that, leave, but do it for yourself.

Hugasauras · 31/10/2022 12:15

I agree with everything @RishisProudMum says.

If your relationship is this fraught and full of snooping after less than a year then it's already doomed.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 12:17

@Shallysally he was in his own (that I know of) for just over a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 12:18

Whether or not that would’ve been sooner had this woman been in the UK I don’t know?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 12:28

Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 11:38

@LemonDrop22 i don’t think he’d be with me if she lived in the UK I think he’d be with her? I feel I’m the ‘she’ll do’ person. He told this woman, when he told her about dating me, they he didn’t want to be on his own. He has told me he didn’t want to be on his own. I don’t think he’s ever been on his own. She jokingly said move to where she lives (different continent!!) he said don’t tempt me!! I think if it was possible he would’ve done it so all those that say if he wanted to be with her he would be I don’t believe! I feel if she was closer he would be

Knowing all this OP ... why are you with him?

Shallysally · 31/10/2022 12:33

Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 12:18

Whether or not that would’ve been sooner had this woman been in the UK I don’t know?

Exactly, you don’t know. Nobody does because she isn’t in the UK.
Have you spoken to him, not about this issue but I’m general about your relationship?

And again, please look at some therapy for
yourself. You don’t need to pay privately for this. Enquire at your GP surgery for contact numbers.