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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Snooped again and feeling worse than ever

295 replies

Boatinggirl27 · 26/10/2022 09:19

I posted on here a while ago, been with partner around 9 months. Not sure how to link my previous thread?

in a nutshell, when we started dating he’d told me about an ‘old friend’ who he’d known many years ago and how she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me? She is very vocal on his social media pages, birthdays etc telling him
how much she loves him. A few months ago she popped up on his phone on messenger. He doesn’t know I saw it. I didn’t know they were still in touch so shocked me a little as last he’d mentioned she’d gone ‘radio silent’ and how that was ‘good enough for me’ and how she’s a bit bonkers?

I did a really stupid thing snd snooped again. YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT!!! I really do know I shouldn’t but I have trust issues and this whole scenario made me doubt him.

his marriage broke up nearly two years ago and he’s told me how since, he’s thought about me constantly. Told me how he’d wanted to ask me out a lot earlier than he did.

I looked back at the messages with this woman and late last year they were sharing VERY flirty messages. Apparently he’d stayed with her 20 odd years ago when he went around the world backpacking. She lives on another continent but they obviously know each other from when she lived in his home town all those years ago? These messages suggest they never kissed or slept together and how he’s gutted it never happened. She mentioned how he’d left her ‘high and dry’ or something like that? She suggests he moves over to where she lives he’s said don’t tempt me and only if she’s waiting naked!!! Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I don’t know how to move on???

OP posts:

CarefreeMe · 26/10/2022 10:56

If my partner looked through my phone then it would be over straight away.

lentilly · 26/10/2022 11:00

CarefreeMe · 26/10/2022 10:56

If my partner looked through my phone then it would be over straight away.

Yup

MolkosTeenageAngst · 26/10/2022 11:35

I think you’re the problem in this relationship, not your DP or the woman he was flirtily texting before you even got together.

You have snooped not once but twice in a relatively new relationship. You are dishonest and sneaky and also sound jealous, insecure and controlling; you expect him to have been committed and monogamous to you before you even got together?

The kindest thing you could do for him would be to leave before your behaviour gets even worse.

bravelittletiger · 26/10/2022 11:36

Just move on.

MinervaVeta · 26/10/2022 12:26

Dear Boatinggirl27. You've succinctly set out your problem right in the last line. "I don't know how to move on." From these few simple words it seems to me that you either know, or logically feel, this is not the right relationship for you. It neither fulfils you nor makes you happy. You are simply miserable. Being able to move on comes when we reach what I call the magic "tipping point". By which I mean, the point at which, being on our own, is more appealing than being in this particular relationship. Everyone's tipping point is different but, if it helps, there will be someone out there who won't cheat, who will love you for who you are, who will let you read their mobile because, if that is what reassures you, they won't mind, or will behave in such a way as to not give you cause to suspect. Unfortunately, the story about kissing the frog to find the Prince is so true. There are so many frogs and most of them won't turn out to be your Prince, but, keeping up the search, keeping the faith and finally finding him, is so well worth it.

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 26/10/2022 12:47

I do have access to his phone I know his passcodes as he knows mine. There’s nothing incriminating on my phone any exes I had I don’t have contact with.

I guess I feel really cheated as he told me that he thought about me all the time before we got together and I now know he’s lied. He told me this woman was a friend who has gone radio silent on him when told about us dating? He’s been in touch with her throughout albeit not flirty texts since we were together but I’m not mentioned much. At the beginning he told her he’d asked me out she wished him luck. He wished her luck. I just don’t know how to feel? I’ve just been stood next to him and she’s popped up on messenger!!! I can’t bring it up as we are in a day out with his children!

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 26/10/2022 12:53

Mate, you're nine months in and you've started a number of threads about this relationship.

You're on a day out with him and his child and you're on a thread saying he's a liar and you don't trust him.

You're snooping on him and reading his private conversations from when you weren't even together.

Can you honestly say you think this is how healthy relationships begin?

Shgytfgtf111 · 26/10/2022 12:56

So your issue is that you believed him when he said that you were the only one he thought about when you werent even together and now you have found out by snooping that you werent? Are you at school?

If that is your issue, get a grip. What a bizarre way to behave.

milawops · 26/10/2022 12:57

He's done nothing wrong other than calling different women he isn't married to by his last name. Sounds like something a 14 year old would do. You however don't trust him and are going through his phone. It's been 9 months, it's not supposed to be this hard, especially this early in a relationship.

Bookworm20 · 26/10/2022 13:01

Thing is, all people saying about how you snooped and its not right. You snooped because you knew something wasn't quite right. And you were proved right. I'm the same, if something seems off, I need to know what it is and when you are dating a liar, there is little alternative to actually finding out what the issue may be.
You have access to his phone, he has given you the passwords, so don't feel bad about snooping.

I understand when people say if someone snooped on their phone it would be over. But I'm guessing those people have never given their partner cause to want to snoop, have done nothing to warrant suspicion, so its a totally different situation.

WorrieaboutFIL · 26/10/2022 13:01

I had chronic jealousy and I read a self help book called 'overcoming jealousy '. For me it was a form of intrusive thoughts and ocd, combined with insecurity and low self esteem. Worse when I had pmt! If he's a decent man you could drive him away.

Ekátn · 26/10/2022 13:27

Boatinggirl27 · 26/10/2022 12:47

I do have access to his phone I know his passcodes as he knows mine. There’s nothing incriminating on my phone any exes I had I don’t have contact with.

if I said to dp ‘oh Bob, my friend of years and years, has gone radio silent on me lately’ I wouldn’t necessarily then point out a long time friend had been in touch.

I don’t tell my dp who has been in touch and who hasn’t. He knows I have many old friends and while I might mention one seems to be ignoring me I wouldn’t feel the need to point out they were in touch again.

If you can see her popping up on his phone he is clearly not hiding it from you. If he doesn’t mind you having access to his phone, he isn’t hiding it from you.

Theres a huge difference between having access to your partners phone and going through all his past messages.

He very well, may have thought about you all the time. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be flirting with someone else. He wasn’t with you. He had no obligation to not flirt with anyone else as he was not with you.

Flirting with someone on a different continent doesn’t mean he didn’t think about being with you. Would you expect him to never be with someone else, if you 2 hadn’t got together but he still had feelings for you?

CarefreeMe · 26/10/2022 15:38

What do you want posters to say?

If you’re not happy just leave.

But you won’t.

You’ll continue snooping through his phone and finding things you don’t like and making a thread about it.

The reason you both have each others passcode for your phones is because there is absolutely no trust in this relationship.

No relationship of 9 months should be this difficult and you definitely shouldn’t be going through each other’s phones.

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 27/10/2022 08:23

Why does nobody see what I feel? I’m told it’s all me and I shouldn’t have snooped but I know that! Someone further down the thread said you wouldn’t snoop if you didn’t have reason and I have one! I feel cheated. I was happily single before we got together but I knew him as a family friend and I’ve always liked him and we’ve always got on. He instigated everything. He told ME how he’d loved me for a long time. He told ME how he’d wished we’d been together sooner and on various family events he’d wanted to ask me out, I believed him. But reading these messages kind of makes a mockery of it as late last year he was telling this ‘long lost friend’ how he’d wished he’d slept with her and reminiscing about when he’d been led on some bed and she’d come out the shower and how he’d wished he’d made a move!

since his marriage ended he’d said it’s been only me. I didn’t dream it he told me and I believed him.

OP posts:

Humanswarm · 27/10/2022 08:41

I see how you feel. However, maybe he did want to sleep with her, maybe that's all he wanted from her? I know, prior to meeting my partner I exchanged messages with people. I guess, for various reasons..self esteem, the vague wondering if it might work, the loneliness, whatever. But you can see he's invested in you. He hasn't told you the truth about her, but have you considered that is because he doesn't want to hurt you and worry you when it meant nothing? You haven't found anything incriminating since you've been together, that's all the proof you need . If you want this to work, you need to let this go.

WhatTheHellIsAQuasar · 27/10/2022 08:53

You know you shouldn’t have snooped but it’s not stopping you is it? You’ve done it multiple times, you’ve got no evidence of him doing anything since you’ve been together. So his only crime here is having a past. Even if he was pining after you a little bit of lighthearted flirting with other women is perfectly ok. Wanting to have sex or actually having sex would have been perfectly ok because you weren’t together. People can have flings - if you can’t get over it then you need to break up with him because he hasn’t done wrong here

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 27/10/2022 08:53

@Humanswarm thank you. She obviously does mean something to him. Prior to the flirty messages it’s all about how he needs to hear from her and how she was there when the ‘shit hit the fan’ which I presume was when his marriage broke up? It’s all been remote as I say she’s on another continent!! I wasn’t sure how they knew each other but it’s clear now they met when they lived in his home town and he went backpacking and he stayed with her as I believe her and her family had already left the UK.

if she’s that good a friend why didn’t he tell me about her and if she means nothing to him why stay in touch?

he told me when we started dating that he’d told her about me and she’d gone quiet on him and how that was fine by him as she’s a but bonkers!!! Looking back he was messaging her at this time telling her about me but she never appeared to stop messaging??? I’d joked at the time about her being a ‘friend’ and he’d said ‘well, an ex friend now lol’ ………

OP posts:

Humanswarm · 27/10/2022 09:11

Maybe he did use her as a crutch when his marriage dissolved. Maybe they were close. Maybe he was attracted to her but didn't want anything more. You've no indication really that he tried to push for more with her. We can forge relationships that seem close at the time, we can love people, for being there through shitty times or for just being around. But it doesn't mean he saw a future with her. He sees that with you. You can see that due to the fact, he's done nothing wrong since you met. But going through his phone, letting this anxiety eat you up is just going to end in tears. Imo you have two choices, come clean at snooping, tell him why and be honest how it's eating you up, what he does with that is ultimately up to him though, as snooping is a real breach of trust. Or, you let it go. Accept he's with you, he's done nothing wrong and is dedicated to making it work with you. But from what I can see, in the kindest way possible, you're the only one in the wrong here. And only you can change that. Perhaps consider your past relationships and whether they are causing these anxieties? If so, maybe some counselling?

JanesBond · 27/10/2022 09:15

I guess I feel really cheated as he told me that he thought about me all the time before we got together and I now know he’s lied

It seems a bit bizarre that you have taken that so very literally.

Thinking about you all the time probably just means thinking about you frequently, not literally all the time.

Novemberhater · 27/10/2022 09:18

It sounds to me that he used her for emotional support when he needed it. Then he got together with you are your relationship is far more important to him than a woman on another continent. Stop snooping and enjoy your boyfriend.

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 27/10/2022 09:29

The fact that he is still in touch with her bothers me! And he’s keeping it secret!

OP posts:

Thesearmsofmine · 27/10/2022 09:33

OP you are being so unfair on this man, he flirted and reminisced with a an old friend when he was single. That’s all he did. Big deal. He has done nothing wrong.

I hope you are honest with him that you have snooped through his phone messages goodness knows how many.times (as it seems you’ve admitted to three times in mumsnet) and it’s only been a few months. Give hint he chance to decide if he wants to continue the relationship.

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 27/10/2022 09:34

They obviously has something going on way back. He then married for 23 years so unsure if they stayed in touch. One of his messages said how happy he is she’s back in his life. The messages about how he’d wished they’d slept together, how good a kisser she was, how he’d suggested her name as being ‘Susan smith’ (her Christian name and his surname, obviously not their real ones!), just destroyed me as he’s still messaging her!!

OP posts:

Thesearmsofmine · 27/10/2022 09:37

Boatinggirl27 · 27/10/2022 09:34

Well then break up with him? You have that choice if you don’t like him having a female friend. You don’t like that he has a past, there isn’t much he can do about that.

Original poster

Boatinggirl27 · 27/10/2022 09:38

@Thesearmsofmine he has been telling her he loves her since he’s been with me. If he loves her just as a friend why not mention it? He messaged her a few months ago when he was drunk on his way home from a gig? Why? She messaged him she misses him? Why?

OP posts:

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