Snooped again and feeling worse than ever

[Boatinggirl27]

I posted on here a while ago, been with partner around 9 months. Not sure how to link my previous thread?

in a nutshell, when we started dating he’d told me about an ‘old friend’ who he’d known many years ago and how she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me? She is very vocal on his social media pages, birthdays etc telling him
how much she loves him. A few months ago she popped up on his phone on messenger. He doesn’t know I saw it. I didn’t know they were still in touch so shocked me a little as last he’d mentioned she’d gone ‘radio silent’ and how that was ‘good enough for me’ and how she’s a bit bonkers?

I did a really stupid thing snd snooped again. YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT!!! I really do know I shouldn’t but I have trust issues and this whole scenario made me doubt him.

his marriage broke up nearly two years ago and he’s told me how since, he’s thought about me constantly. Told me how he’d wanted to ask me out a lot earlier than he did.

I looked back at the messages with this woman and late last year they were sharing VERY flirty messages. Apparently he’d stayed with her 20 odd years ago when he went around the world backpacking. She lives on another continent but they obviously know each other from when she lived in his home town all those years ago? These messages suggest they never kissed or slept together and how he’s gutted it never happened. She mentioned how he’d left her ‘high and dry’ or something like that? She suggests he moves over to where she lives he’s said don’t tempt me and only if she’s waiting naked!!! Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I don’t know how to move on???

@friendlycat she is most definitely single although she does have children and yea she lives thousands of miles away. I feel like she is in love with my partner. He doesn’t appear to encourage it now much but he has.

She can't be in love with him and he can't be in love with her. They haven't seen each other in 25 years; they don't even know each other, they're living on ancient memories, of they have any kind of relationship continuing.

She may have gained a mythical, romantic status in his head (although he appears to have shut her down and told her about you). So talk to him, tell him about your insecurities (and your snooping) and ask him to reassure you and cease contact with her.

Or dump him

This is all completely irrational. Neurotic, obsessive and just unwell. It is like those limerence obsessives who keep posting because to keep talking about it and describing it scratches the limerence itch and keeps the scab nicely open.

I am sorry OP, but you are not ready to be in a relationship until you address this with some very serious therapy.

Imagine if she is right in what she saying and your all look stupid. She has spoken to her DP but imagine he admits what she thinking.

Then she needs to leave him because no-one has the right to try to control what another person is thinking about an old friend he hasn't seen for 20 years.

And do stop with your 'imagine' shit. Anyone can imagine anything. That is exactly what all of this is. Imagination. And madness.

@Haffiana i only feel this way as she messages him telling him she ‘loves him long time’ and ‘I’ve missed you’!! Missed what? Like I say I’ve known him as a family friend for decades as he’s never to my knowledge been to where she lives? Whether she’s been here I don’t know? But he was married for 23 years so it must be longer than that?

Maybe missed chatting long distance?

@Emptyandsad their messages from when we started dating were ‘I love you from the bottom of my heart’ from her and ‘I love you too you’re one of my oldest friends’ from him and how he’s so glad she’s back in his life, albeit via messenger obviously!!!

But that is the point. It's impossible to have a real relationship with someone you haven't seen for 25 years. It's a fantasy and who knows what it means to each of them. But it's not real. They don't even know each other. Think how much each of them must have changed since they last saw each other.

When you're miserable and alone it's nice to have a fantasy relationship. Now he's got you and he's shut her down to some extent. You want him to shut her down completely and that is reasonable. So talk to him about it. But while you expect him to be honest with you, you also need to be honest with him

@Emptyandsad

How are you so sure she NOT in love with him.
Please don't think you know a woman you never met to say she doesn't.

@Haffiana

I think if OP in a relationship she has the right to know how close they are. Maybe accept his word but then he could lie.

Just simply a harsh of you both.

She may think she loves him, if she's incredibly immature (for someone as old as she obviously is). More likely that she's enjoying the fantasy because she's alone and has nothing else to make her happy - unlike your partner who has you and has therefore shit her down.

Because you literally can't love someone you don't know. I might as well say that I love Kylie Minogue. I may love an image of her that I have built in my head, but that bears very little relationship to how she is in real life.

Once again, TALK TO HIM

What are you on about?! They have not seen each other for 20 plus years!!

@Haffiana they haven’t seen each other for a long time as far as I’m aware however from the messages she’s one of his closest friends who he loves lots and was there for him ‘when the shit hit the fan’???

@Haffiana

So you couldn't be in love or have feelings for someone maybe from when your were teenager lol.

Very stupid to say she can't be when YOU or I don't know that. She has a love for him it could be friendship it could be more than friendship type of love.

Some people do know people from 20 years and may not see them each day. But still have feelings or love for that person. It's possible not impossible flippin wake up honestly.

You're on repeat OP, you need to talk to him about it!

So you couldn't be in love or have feelings for someone maybe from when your were teenager lol.

Yeah, if you were a fantasist. Lol.

Very stupid to say she can't be when YOU or I don't know that. She has a love for him it could be friendship it could be more than friendship type of love.

No-one knows. Including OP. No one normal would give it a second thought. It would only be a control-freak thought-police wannabee or a toddler who would be obsessing over whether a woman who hasn't seen her ex for 20 odd years, might or might not be be indulging in a fantasy 'love' with him.

Some people do know people from 20 years and may not see them each day. But still have feelings or love for that person. It's possible not impossible flippin wake up honestly.

You are also missing the point. So what if the ex has feelings? So fucking what? How is it YOUR business what an ex from 20 years ago is thinking?

and may not see them each day - This is you being deliberately obtuse. They have not met for 20 years.

What NORMAL person would obsess over this situation? What normal person in this situation would consider that her new bf was lying?

If you are like the OP and threatened by something like this - an ex from 20 years ago, who sends the odd friendly text but has not actually seen this man for 20 years, do you consider that a healthy response?

@Haffiana

Her feelings are valid and she very normal.

You are out of order being so harsh.

So many people have understood her given her great advice you responded like she is mental lol.

Sometimes you know if something feels off.

It doesn't matter 20 years could turn into this person visiting her DP.
It doesn't matter how far person is things can change in an instant if she shows up her. She protecting herself by wondering if she a threat...

If you haven't been there you can't comment.

It doesn't matter how far person is things can change in an instant if she shows up her. She protecting herself by wondering if she a threat...

If anyone has a partner they believe could be a 'threat' to their relationship by showing up after 20 years, then that relationship is not a sustainable one anyway.

That's what lots of us have tried to get across to OP.

This woman is irrelevant to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy and unsustainable as OP feels he has lied to her and is obsessing over the perceived lie rather than being able to talk to him about her feelings.

None of that happens in a healthy relationship.

This was meant to say:

If anyone has a partner with a friend they believe could be a 'threat' to their relationship by showing up after 20 years, then that relationship is not a sustainable one anyway.

@monsteramunch

But skip thread go past don't respond then.

Some of what's said I agree and some I don't.

Like I said apart from OP DP and this female friend we don't know anything. The messages to me just don't indicate just friendship unless you people not heard of emotional affairs.

Which sounds like more the female friend than her guy.

Why wake up let a thread trouble you if she going round in circles. Move on to next thread lol.

Wish you all the best@Boatinggirl27 you have been given some good advice.

It's not troubling me, what a strange thing to say. I've tried to offer practical advice to OP on the thread.

You aren't the thread police. People are perfectly able to share posts with OP without you telling us to go elsewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP if you're still there, please do consider that in a healthy relationship that is sustainable in the long term, you'd be able to bring this up and just chat it over.

The fact you don't feel able to do that after nine months means I'm afraid you aren't as far forward with him relationship wise as you'd like to be.

Whether he's done anything 'wrong' or not, it comes down to the fact that you now see him as someone who has lied to you and seem stuck on that. Which means the relationship isn't one you should continue IMO

Im still here but yesterday the thread became a little bit upsetting. I certainly take on board everyone’s advice I really do and every bit is appreciated, whether it’s negative or positive. @Ithurtbad you’ve been so supportive so wasn’t nice reading negativity. You really u swears d what I’m trying to say. That said, the negative comments are correct too! I know I’m my own worst enemy. I can’t help who I am. Losing a friend the other day really jolted me into reality. Yes I am always going to be wary of this woman, and yes I will be acutely aware or messages from her that possibly pop up on his phone. But I’ve made a decision NOT to snoop again. Had a few good chats with my man he cannot tell me enough he loves me and wants to be with ME. Whether he would be with her if she was here I’ll never know and I have to try and compartmentalise these thoughts. I’m really going to try and enjoy the man I have, he IS a good man. He wants to spend his life with me. But thank you ALL for the advice I will no doubt read it back from time to time.

@Ithurtbad that was meant to read you really understand me!

I'm sorry about your friend OP