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Original poster

Snooped again and feeling worse than ever

295 replies

Boatinggirl27 · 26/10/2022 09:19

I posted on here a while ago, been with partner around 9 months. Not sure how to link my previous thread?

in a nutshell, when we started dating he’d told me about an ‘old friend’ who he’d known many years ago and how she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me? She is very vocal on his social media pages, birthdays etc telling him
how much she loves him. A few months ago she popped up on his phone on messenger. He doesn’t know I saw it. I didn’t know they were still in touch so shocked me a little as last he’d mentioned she’d gone ‘radio silent’ and how that was ‘good enough for me’ and how she’s a bit bonkers?

I did a really stupid thing snd snooped again. YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT!!! I really do know I shouldn’t but I have trust issues and this whole scenario made me doubt him.

his marriage broke up nearly two years ago and he’s told me how since, he’s thought about me constantly. Told me how he’d wanted to ask me out a lot earlier than he did.

I looked back at the messages with this woman and late last year they were sharing VERY flirty messages. Apparently he’d stayed with her 20 odd years ago when he went around the world backpacking. She lives on another continent but they obviously know each other from when she lived in his home town all those years ago? These messages suggest they never kissed or slept together and how he’s gutted it never happened. She mentioned how he’d left her ‘high and dry’ or something like that? She suggests he moves over to where she lives he’s said don’t tempt me and only if she’s waiting naked!!! Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I don’t know how to move on???

OP posts:
Ekátn · 31/10/2022 12:48

Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 11:38

@LemonDrop22 i don’t think he’d be with me if she lived in the UK I think he’d be with her? I feel I’m the ‘she’ll do’ person. He told this woman, when he told her about dating me, they he didn’t want to be on his own. He has told me he didn’t want to be on his own. I don’t think he’s ever been on his own. She jokingly said move to where she lives (different continent!!) he said don’t tempt me!! I think if it was possible he would’ve done it so all those that say if he wanted to be with her he would be I don’t believe! I feel if she was closer he would be

Then end the relationship if that’s what you really think

PinotPony · 31/10/2022 13:08

OP, I've read everything you've said and understand how you feel. You want answers.

I'm in touch with ex-BFs who I still care about deeply. I have love for them as people who were once important in my life. That doesn't mean I'm planning on leaving my DP to be with them.

We can't tell whether your DP is a lying bastard or a genuine guy. He is with you, not her. He talks about a future with you, not her. It could all be bullshit or perhaps he really loves you... who knows...

But the crucial point here, which you keep missing, is not about him... it's about how YOU feel. You don't trust him. Nothing he says will satisfy you because you have so much doubt in your mind.

If you are feeling this anxious only 9 months into this relationship, you should walk away. Your insecurity will destroy this relationship, if not immediately then certainly in future.

I'll say it again... if you can't trust your boyfriend for whatever reason, you should not be in that relationship.

Shallysally · 31/10/2022 13:20

PinotPony · 31/10/2022 13:08

OP, I've read everything you've said and understand how you feel. You want answers.

I'm in touch with ex-BFs who I still care about deeply. I have love for them as people who were once important in my life. That doesn't mean I'm planning on leaving my DP to be with them.

We can't tell whether your DP is a lying bastard or a genuine guy. He is with you, not her. He talks about a future with you, not her. It could all be bullshit or perhaps he really loves you... who knows...

But the crucial point here, which you keep missing, is not about him... it's about how YOU feel. You don't trust him. Nothing he says will satisfy you because you have so much doubt in your mind.

If you are feeling this anxious only 9 months into this relationship, you should walk away. Your insecurity will destroy this relationship, if not immediately then certainly in future.

I'll say it again... if you can't trust your boyfriend for whatever reason, you should not be in that relationship.

This. People are trying to help you. But we can’t do that if you won’t help yourself

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 13:23

@PinotPony thank you for understanding. My gut instinct, because of our family history, is he’s a good guy. Even his parents have taken me to one side and told me he’d never hurt me and they were delighted when we got together as they never got on with his ex wife. They accepted her and treat her as family but once she cheated on him various things came out whereby they’d had disagreements with her. Anyway!! Maybe it’s my history which makes me on the other hand feel he is a cheating bastard? I’ve been hurt lots in my life not just by partners but family. I’d like to think deep down that this woman is just a friend now, obviously they did have something between them but he was married for 23 years and I don’t feel she’s a threat!

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 31/10/2022 13:23

Boatinggirl27 · 29/10/2022 16:38

@Shallysally yes he is open with his phone and passcodes etc but my problem is he hasn’t been open with the fact he’s still messaging her.

Why does he need to be open about it? She's a friend of his, I've got friends that I've not seen for 15 years that I still keep in touch with. I don't tell my DP that I've been in touch with them, because she doesn't know them, it's useless information to her.

You don't trust this man, despite the fact he's done nothing wrong. You've snooped through his phone, despite the fact he's done nothing wrong. You are obviously not in the right headspace for this, or probably any relationship at the moment, so either end it yourself or tell your boyfriend what you've done so he can make the decision to end it.

Cania · 31/10/2022 13:30

I don't think its the worst scenario. The worst thing he's done is try to play down the relationship they had. Which imo is forgivable. Because what you found out isn't the worst thing it's difficult to address. But he seems to be serious if he's telling her about you.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 13:32

@fdgdfgdfgdfg if he’d been open with me about this ‘friend’ I wouldn’t have an issue! I wouldn’t know who she was had he not mentioned her at the start of our relationship. Apart from the fact she posts lovey dovey messages on his social media on birthdays. I felt insecure about her from the beginning and yes I know I’m in the wrong for looking at his phone but the fact he’s still conversing with her, despite telling me she’d blanked him bothers me. And again I shouldn’t have snooped but finding out that they were being quite verbally intimate a year ago, after he’d told me he’d been wanting to ask me out, makes me more insecure.

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 31/10/2022 13:36

Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 13:32

@fdgdfgdfgdfg if he’d been open with me about this ‘friend’ I wouldn’t have an issue! I wouldn’t know who she was had he not mentioned her at the start of our relationship. Apart from the fact she posts lovey dovey messages on his social media on birthdays. I felt insecure about her from the beginning and yes I know I’m in the wrong for looking at his phone but the fact he’s still conversing with her, despite telling me she’d blanked him bothers me. And again I shouldn’t have snooped but finding out that they were being quite verbally intimate a year ago, after he’d told me he’d been wanting to ask me out, makes me more insecure.

But none of it is any of your business? He doesn't have to tell you anything about his friendships, whether they've been flirty in the past, whether they're talking to each other now or not. He doesn't owe you any information about any of it. He hasn't cheated on you, he hasn't done anything with this woman thats disrespectful towards you, so it shouldn't be an issue.

If you can't cope with that, then you are not ready for a relationship, and should end it.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 13:39

@fdgdfgdfgdfg yes I do get your point and I’m kind of beginning to see the problem is me. @Cania his social media pics are all of me and him. He’d told her he’d started dating me, he’d mentioned how he’d hoped she’d find love, he mentioned how he wanted to move to be closer to me. Maybe it’s HER? Why is she still sending him messages saying she loves him and misses him when she knows he’s with me?

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 31/10/2022 13:46

Unlike many here, I fail to see how you snooping is worse than him having an emotional affair behind your back. OP, go back and count the number of times you've said, "he said," "he told me," etc. in your posts. Stop believing what he's SAYING and think about what he's DONE. Words are cheap; actions tell you who he really is, and who he really is doesn't deserve you. Don't settle for being second best. You deserve better.

mummypigoink · 31/10/2022 13:50

You’re going round in circles OP. You’ve got 3 choices:

  1. end it: you don’t trust him and feel like he’s making do with you. Both very good reasons to end a relationship;
  2. confront him. You clearly desperately want answers that only he can give you. Yes you’ll have to admit to snooping on his phone, but you’ll never know otherwise: or
  3. put up and shut up. If you want to maintain the relationship and don’t want to confront him then you just have to let it go.

Everything else you’re posting about is just a distraction from what is bothering you. And only you can pick from the three options you have.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 31/10/2022 13:56

LifeExperience · 31/10/2022 13:46

Unlike many here, I fail to see how you snooping is worse than him having an emotional affair behind your back. OP, go back and count the number of times you've said, "he said," "he told me," etc. in your posts. Stop believing what he's SAYING and think about what he's DONE. Words are cheap; actions tell you who he really is, and who he really is doesn't deserve you. Don't settle for being second best. You deserve better.

What emotional affair? Aside from some flirty texts before he was with the OP, he's said nothing to this woman that I wouldn't say to one of my mates

lancashirelady · 31/10/2022 13:56

This is not fair on either of you and you are just going round and round in circles. What he did or who he spoke to before you got with him is none of your business. He has done nothing wrong but you don't trust either of them. He told you that she had blanked him because she probably did, he didn't lie to you. He hasn't betrayed your trust but you have his. End this relationship for both your sakes because I have a feeling that you will be back saying the same things if you don't.

FatAnneTheDealer · 31/10/2022 13:57

If you want to ruin this relationship, carry on as you are.

He HAS been open with you! You have full access to all his messages - and by your own admission not a single message since you have been together has been inappropriate on his side.

It is really clear that it is you who is blowing this old friend relationship out of proportion.

If you care about him, and want to be his partner, then you have to deal with this yourself - ideally without discussion with him until your head is straighter. Because if I were him, I would be really troubled by your irrational jealousy and insecurity.

The overwhelming majority of people here think that the issue is your reaction, not his “relationship”. Instead of honing in on the few that are feeding your ideas, consider what most outsiders are thinking. After all, you did ask outsiders….

PinotPony · 31/10/2022 14:03

Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 13:23

@PinotPony thank you for understanding. My gut instinct, because of our family history, is he’s a good guy. Even his parents have taken me to one side and told me he’d never hurt me and they were delighted when we got together as they never got on with his ex wife. They accepted her and treat her as family but once she cheated on him various things came out whereby they’d had disagreements with her. Anyway!! Maybe it’s my history which makes me on the other hand feel he is a cheating bastard? I’ve been hurt lots in my life not just by partners but family. I’d like to think deep down that this woman is just a friend now, obviously they did have something between them but he was married for 23 years and I don’t feel she’s a threat!

OP, you're still not getting to the end of the thought process here.

So you have some insight into why you might feel insecure. That's good.

But... you haven't acknowledged that this isn't a healthy relationship for you. Why can't you see that?

People are frustrated with your posts because you are just repeating the same old questions. Stop trying to figure out how HE feels about you or her. Start focusing on how YOU feel about the relationship.

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 14:05

@FatAnneTheDealer i think you’ve completely hit the nail on the head! I can’t mention to him now as my head ISNT in the right place. I AM trying to deal with myself albeit asking ‘outsiders’ which I feel at this time is better to help me straighten my thoughts than confronting him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 14:08

@PinotPony i have no idea how I feel about the relationship as I feel I need to know what his thoughts are on this woman/friendship? But I don’t feel I can bring it up right now due to the fact my head is all over the place.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 31/10/2022 14:24

@LifeExperience

Unlike many here, I fail to see how you snooping is worse than him having an emotional affair behind your back.

I would agree snooping isn't morally worse than having an affair.

But he hasn't had one!

Shallysally · 31/10/2022 14:37

Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 14:08

@PinotPony i have no idea how I feel about the relationship as I feel I need to know what his thoughts are on this woman/friendship? But I don’t feel I can bring it up right now due to the fact my head is all over the place.

But the nature of his messages to her demonstrate his what his thoughts are. He is choosing to be with you. If he was interested in being with her then he could have perhaps taken their relationship further.

But he didn’t do that.
Sometimes in life we have a “one that got away”. Maybe she is his one. But real
life takes over because our brains need stability and can’t live for what if’s.

PinotPony · 31/10/2022 14:41

Boatinggirl27 · 31/10/2022 14:08

@PinotPony i have no idea how I feel about the relationship as I feel I need to know what his thoughts are on this woman/friendship? But I don’t feel I can bring it up right now due to the fact my head is all over the place.

No, you really don't need to know how he feels about her. It doesn't matter.

What's important is that you feel insecure. Address that problem before anything else.

Your head's all over the place? After only 9 months? Hardly looking good for the future, is it?

Honestly, you should cut your losses and walk away.

Ithurtbad · 31/10/2022 18:17

@Boatinggirl27

Can I ask when he was married was you a close friend like she was to him? Maybe flirty messages to each other etc?

I can see why that now would make you feel the way you do.

There definitely a lot more stuff I didn't know about you until now. Although I do get where your coming from still it's horrible being with a guy knowing how close he was at one point in his life and maybe it feels like unfinished business between them. It's like he got options and even if you both good it's hanging over your head what if you stayed just a friend to him would he have got with her. Do you regret getting with him romantically? This could ruin destroy what you have now and the friendship for years you had.

I think everyone has given you a hard time. But can see where some people are coming from too.

Can you go on and handle them being close friends?

Does it make you uneasy thinking incase you got married etc. Although don't think he ready for.
That if your relationship fell apart like his marriage she might be his next woman. It seems like men like this who have loads of female friends are not just female they just literally back up plans.

I hope in your case that isn't the case and he does love you.

I believe if she was living closer maybe he would of got with her too. You will never know for sure.

Maybe ask yourself if you can do this relationship. If you made a mistake now. You were better off as friends until your work on yourself. But like I said I don't think you wrong about this woman it definitely could be her chasing him. The thing is whatever they have you seem to have stronger than her. His family know you well.

I really hope this doesn't split you both up. I hope your wrong and I hope your not right in being weary about this.

SuperCamp · 31/10/2022 18:46

OP, sorry, but the timeline is very unclear to me about what has happened and I cannot see where he has been lying.

You said he had sent flirty messages before you got together - so nothing wrong with that, surely.

You said he told you she had 'gone silent' on him after he told you about you and him - and you have seen the messages between them where he is telling her about you, exactly as he said he had. And obviously those messages would have been after you got together as otherwise he wouldn't have been able to tell you that.

Then 'she came up on his messenger' - well , he can't control whether she messages him, can she? Was that after he had told you she had gone silent? Or before?

I can't see where in the timeline he told you she had gone silent and was then messaging her and actually lying to you?

All the messages you have reported here very much give the picture that she is the one pushing the communication and he is just being politely matey.

SandyY2K · 01/11/2022 00:10

I can understand why you don't feel great about the situation. He's made out she was just a friend, but the clue for me, would have been when he said she went silent after he got with you.

There was obviously a mutual like between them.

You say she's lived on another continent for many years...I'm just confused when she lived with him/near him... as he was married for a long time.

Did he meet her before his marriage?

Original poster
Boatinggirl27 · 01/11/2022 08:02

@Shallysally i feel he is with me as im
here, she’s not. Had she been I feel like they would be together. I feel second best.

@Ithurtbad ive known him years and we messaged whilst he was married but never flirty. His marriage wasn’t happy the last few years, his wife had told him she never loved him but he tried to make it work until she had an affair. He’d told me he loved me apparently one night. I was tipsy it was a family event and as I was leaving he’d whispered it in my ear. I can’t remember but he assures me he’d said it.

@SuperCamp my issue with the going silent thing is he’d told me about this friend who’s gone silent since he’d told her about me. Because I snooped, which was wrong I know, I can see they were merrily chatting away. She definitely seems to be pushing it, telling him she misses him (misses him? She hasn’t seen him in decades I believe?), telling him she loves him. His responses over the last few months have defo been more friendly than flirty. But then he’d messaged her to tell her he was drunk on a train after being at a gig? Then a ‘hi how are you what’s going on?’ message. So he has made contact too.

@SandyY2K he met her I think originally when she moved to his home town, she emigrated early 90s. He married mid 90s. As far as I know he hasn’t been to see her since he went backpacking in his early 20s?

OP posts:
Shallysally · 01/11/2022 08:23

OP, then of you cannot get past that thought then you need to step away for your own well-being. You are tying yourself up in knots, don’t seem to be taking any of the advice or comments on this thread on board. And that is ok, but you feeling this way is not.

Step away, take time for you and consider your approach to relationships.