Snooped again and feeling worse than ever

[Boatinggirl27]

I posted on here a while ago, been with partner around 9 months. Not sure how to link my previous thread?

in a nutshell, when we started dating he’d told me about an ‘old friend’ who he’d known many years ago and how she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me? She is very vocal on his social media pages, birthdays etc telling him
how much she loves him. A few months ago she popped up on his phone on messenger. He doesn’t know I saw it. I didn’t know they were still in touch so shocked me a little as last he’d mentioned she’d gone ‘radio silent’ and how that was ‘good enough for me’ and how she’s a bit bonkers?

I did a really stupid thing snd snooped again. YES I KNOW I SHOULDNT!!! I really do know I shouldn’t but I have trust issues and this whole scenario made me doubt him.

his marriage broke up nearly two years ago and he’s told me how since, he’s thought about me constantly. Told me how he’d wanted to ask me out a lot earlier than he did.

I looked back at the messages with this woman and late last year they were sharing VERY flirty messages. Apparently he’d stayed with her 20 odd years ago when he went around the world backpacking. She lives on another continent but they obviously know each other from when she lived in his home town all those years ago? These messages suggest they never kissed or slept together and how he’s gutted it never happened. She mentioned how he’d left her ‘high and dry’ or something like that? She suggests he moves over to where she lives he’s said don’t tempt me and only if she’s waiting naked!!! Also he calls her by her first name and his last name!

I know I shouldn’t have snooped but I don’t know how to move on???

@monsteramunch thank you. I think I’d fallen into a pit of negativity and constant fear of being lied to and cheated on. It certainly like I say, jolted me back to reality. I think I need to take ALL advice, and it’s all very appreciated.

@Boatinggirl27

I apologize for how I was yesterday on your thread.
You have been given some very good advice and even it made me think myself.

I am really happy and wish you and Dp all the best.

@Ithurtbad no need to apologise you have been great support.

I’m sorry about your friend @Boatinggirl27

Glad to hear that you have spoken with your DP, and that you are feeling better about things.

Remember, we need to often remind ourselves of the good things in our lives. Check in with your self. Hope things continue to improve for you.

@Shallysally thank you

I’ve come home (we live 50 mile apart, and I’ve spent the past 2 weeks with him) for work so feel that will possibly help my thinking? Also I’ve come off all social media which I think will help. No alcohol and early nights this week.

For everyone who gave me advice on this thread I thought I’d update……

so my DP did me a playlist on a music platform and when he was showing it to me, bang, there she was! A playlist in her name!! I challenged him. He said she’d sent it to him, which I don’t believe as it was in her name, if she’d sent it it would have his name on? I challenged him the day after I’d seen it so I asked hum to see the songs, he was quite cagey and said he’d deleted the playlist. So I asked him if he was still in touch with her. He initially said no, then said that she asks him how things are going snd he replies. I obviously know what has been said so know he wasn’t completely truthful. He said he hasn’t seen her in nearly 30 years, said she is more a friend of his sister, and it was her who told this woman to ring him when his marriage broke up? Said he’d never had a relationship with her they had just backpacked together.

he has deleted her off his social media. Said he should’ve done it she’s ago - even tho he has been in touch with her? Anyway long story short, I feel more secure he’s realised that I saw her as a threat, with the lovey messages publicly on social media, obviously he doesn’t know I read his messages but they shared a playlist which I will never know what’s on it? I’m thinking they did have strong feelings for each other but he’s never gonna admit that! He also said he’s told her about me and since we started dating he should have stopped contact.

He deleted her off social media and he should’ve done it AGES ago not SHES 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd leave him. Sounds like they are hung up on each other.

God OP it's really not meant to be this hard. You're more obsessed with her than he could be at this point and it's never going to be healthy. I think it's important for you to really consider whether you actually believe this relationship can be happy and healthy. Genuinely happy and healthy? It doesn't sound like it.

Op you need to work on yourself or you’re going to drive him away. You sound unhinged and obsessed.

the man can have had probably pie in the sky feelings for an old friend when he was going through a shit time, but he hasn’t seen her in 30 years. He’s with you and he loves you and that’s what’s important. You snooping and obsessively combing through everything and being paranoid about everything is absolute madness!

You feel more secure now he's deleted her off social media..? But you're clearly not secure in this relationship... you're jealous and obsessive.

What happens next time he messages another woman? Or looks at a woman out on the street? Will you start questioning whether he truly loves you then?

I really think you need some help. This isn't normal behaviour.

Great, I'm glad it's all worked out for you (until the next time you find something to be absolutely ridiculous about because you are clearly not in a healthy place to be a relationship)

This is some serious next level obsession on the OPs part.

Just leave him you are in no position to have a relationship with anyone.

You need to seek some kind of counselling to sort through your issues.

Seeing a playlist in her name sets you off to the point you brow beat him.. this is controlling, emotionally abusive, jealousy and insecurity driven behaviour.
If course he got 'cagey' because he's walking on eggshells all the time with you. If he posted here if be telling him to leave you at his earliest, it's not kind of existence.

So you’ve manipulated him into deleting his friend of 30 years from his social media? Because you are jealous of her. Your behaviour is controlling.

OP, I am going to repeat this - you are not ready to be in a relationship.

obviously he doesn’t know I read his messages but they shared a playlist which I will never know what’s on it?

JFC

Tell you what OP - why not start another thread about THE PLAYLIST?
You can then spend another few weeks obsessing over your irrational insecurity & jealous, controlling behaviour. Supposing THE PLAYLIST features a song you've listened to with your b/f? Does that mean he's secretly thinking of HER? Or worse - suppose it contained Lady In Red, so you have no choice but to end your relationship on grounds of good taste?

Once that thread's full, you'll easily find something else to worry about & manipulate this man over. Maybe he'll be wearing a shirt that was in fashion at the time he was backpacking with this woman. The bastard! Does he not know that the only way to your heart is to pretend he has never known, & currently knows, no other woman bar you ... & maybe his mum, but that might be pushing it ...

This in bucketfuls. What you're now doing is controlling and abusive. How dare you tell him who he can and can't speak to, have on social media etc. YOU are the one with the problem, not him! There is no good end to this!

How is this still happening?!

OP, why have you come back? You listened to nothing that was said, so what do you want from this thread?

His mum definitely needs to go as well. She's seen him naked for gods sake. How could he possibly be trusted around her?