November 2022 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is the latest thread, please feel free to write as much or as little as you please.

I've thought about what everyone has said and I think you are right im taking on too much responsibility. So I'm going to stay here another week and help her clear the house as much as possible so she can sell it.. then I'm going to return to the uk and she can work it out from there. Im going to sign over my half of the property to her and she will be able to afford a more suitable house in the uk if she wishes.. and she can pay for her own carer.. shes gillick competent and a grown woman she is just physically disabled and she has very specific ideas so I'm just gonna leave her to it. I do not need that around my children you are completely right... just the level of tension, its not healthy for my children to be around. I grew up around my parents constantly rowing. Now my mum wants to do that with me around my children.. but I've got to just let go of this guilt because really if she wants to spend all her money on qvc and leave herself homeless its not actually my responsibility.. ive given her advice... thats all I can do. And by giving her my share of the property I'd be handing over any responsibility for that money to her.
I've got my own home and my own family in a place that I'm happy and I shouldn't sabotage that for someone who is absolutely determined to find fault with everything and control everything and just generally make everyone feel like shit. I dont think I'm overreacting. I'll just have to accept negative reactions from other family members.. im not close to any of them either and if they feel like taking it on they can do... im only going to surround myself with people who treat me with basic human decency.
Thanks to everyone who replied its really helped me to talk it thru I am just stuck here in the middle of nowhere alone with her at the moment

I think my initial reaction was just very niave... I thought this bereavement would bring us together and we would need each other.. and that she would want to be closer to the children and I had this fantasy of us all living together as a happy family and spending what time she had left all doing things together..
But thats not what she wants at all.she wants a servant and she wants to be able to say 'look my daughter loves me so much that she wants to live with me'' to other people to make her look good but she doesnt actually want to spend time with me or my children.. shes not remotely interested in me.. shed use my kids rooms as wardrobes for her clothing hoard given half a chance. I dont think she really likes me at all.. she just likes the concept of having a daughter who loves her

But when the sale goes thru and I sign my half of the money over to her I am gonna keep enough to pay off the credit card expenses from all the flights my family have had to make to and fro to help her . I think thats fair.

@Twobirdsinatree I think that’s the right decision x

I’m struggling the last few days. My mum went NC with me but it’s been a long time coming.

I didn’t visit after a 2nd operation.

She offers zero support and brings nothing to the party. Doesn’t spend time with DC. Completely ignores DD. DS gets the odd crumb thrown his way (he’s the quiet compliant one). DS got a text from her this week which he told me about but hasn’t replied. Both DC are tweens.

I have the 2 children, DS recovering from glandular fever (extended fatigue/pain), DD autistic/PDA home educated due to mental health, full time job. DH is supportive but DM caused so many arguments with is in the past. Oh and I have M.S.

I know NC is the right route but I doubt myself sometimes.

@thisisme2468
Well done for going NC that must be hard emotionally.. but you've got so much to deal with in your life.. and your kids and your health are important to prioritise. If she was just draining your energy and giving nothing back then you have totally made the right choice.

I’ve been reading this thread on and off for a while and wondering if I belong.

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my mum, she’s very controlling and I was never good enough.

Recently I’ve been struggling a bit and had lots of sad memories coming back and I’m slowly realizing she might have damaged me more than I thought.

One day as a teen I was being insolent (I really was, I couldn’t take her comments anymore and was literally crying and screaming at her) so she took me by force to the kitchen, put my head in the sink under the tap and opened the cold tap.. This sounds so horrific to think about now, it’s almost making me cry again

She always said stuff like I “have a big chin like my granny and this doesn’t come from her side of the family”, comments about my hair, why I had pimples when she never had any as a teen..

Also I had a really severe eating disorder as a teen and well into adulthood and yet she would just scream at me all the time and tell me I looked horrible. She said I was doing it to copy an actress who had an ED.. In recovery I had to eat huge amounts of food/calories so I got significantly bigger, but then when I started eating normal amounts again I lost some of weight and maintained my actuel weight. Very often these days my mom comments on how I am too thin and just skin and bones and look ugly. I told her many times it makes me sad because I’m trying to gain a bit but it is difficult. I suppose she doesn’t care one bit because she didn’t stop.

She never taught me any hygiene/feminine stuff so hopefully I had a wonderful aunt and granny who told me everything but I feel a parent is supposed to??

I was never allowed to have friends home which was isolating bc kids wouldn’t understand..

I grew up very close to my granny and my mum was/is constantly slagging her, telling me in a judgmental voice I’m “just like her” (which I take as a compliment because granny is phenomenal but my mum thinks she’s insulting me)

I’m very non confrontational even today in my late 20s but every time I’ve tried to stand up to her she guilted me into thinking I was a terrible daughter and mean to her, and that my siblings and dad thought the same…

Sorry this is a mess but please tell me it’s not me and she’s not being a good mum…

@Ettiee Sadly you do belong here. A good mother doesn't treat her daughter like shit or make her feel bad about herself. A good mother has her daughter's back and will always be there for her.

I'm sorry you've had this treatment but pleased for you that you are recognising it as now you can start to come to terms with it. This thread is a great support, there is really useful advice and it's also helpful to know you're not alone.

You might find it helps validate your experiences if you read books like Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, or Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. If you prefer podcasts then look for the ones by Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna, I've just discovered them recently and I think they're fantastic.

@Ettiee putting your head under a tap is physical abuse.. its not even just 'not being a good mum' its abuse. There is absolutely NOTHING that justifies her physically abusing you like that. Its definitely not you and im so sorry shes made you question yourself to the point you might actually consider she was justified. She was not and you dont owe her a thing because thats horrific.

Ettiee

Your mother was abusive to you when you were growing up and it’s highly likely she is still the same now. For the state of your health I would stay the hell away from her going forward. I would also read Will I ever be good enough by Karyl McBride.

You do not mention your dad here, is he in your life at all?. I would think her nasty comments about your granny were also aimed at his side of the family and your dad, a man who she always hated.

Women like your mother Ettiee cannot do relationships so the men in their lives are either as narcissistic as they are or are otherwise discarded. They also become their willing enabler, your dad cannot be relied upon either.

It’s not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them that way.

@Ettiee - hug! I could not put it better than what others already said here!

And reading each of the stories here - it is like I could have written them myself! The similarities are striking!

I guess we all grieving here for the relatives (mothers or fathers) that we should have had and yearn for, for validation of our feelings, for unconditional love that should come with the normal parenting. But alas, it will never to be.

I am glad that I found this thread(s). I do not feel so alone anymore.

Two weeks into NC, am struggling this week with guilt, churning our conversations in my head, thinking that if only I said it differently or kept my cool.... etc etc but then I remember that I am trying to justify abuse....

It is so hard! Hug to each and everyone of you!

I'm really not sure if things are bad enough to post here, so forgive me if they're not. But I'm really struggling with my relationship with my father.

I admit, I was probably an emotionally needy child, and definitely found it difficult to cope with emotions caused by PMT as a young teenager. And I'm not even sure if my memories have become skewed, or clouded, or if it's that now, as an adult, I can piece together things and realise that they're not as they should be.

I don't remember my dad ever really showing any interest in me, and even now, he never asks anything about my life, it's all him. My mother asked me a question about my job, and whilst I was replying, he started talking to my cat.

When I called my parents to tell them I was engaged, I heard my dad say in the background "silly boy" (in reference to my fiancé).

When we go to visit, he can be rude, for example, I asked my children to help with something and said it was important they had manners, to which he replied "teach them manners in your own house". My mother walks on eggshells around him, all the time.

There are numerous other things, that individually don't seem like much, but added together they cause me such feelings of conflict - he's my dad, I'm supposed to love him, but I struggle in his company.

I guess I feel like, he was supposed to be someone who loved me, cared about me, but I've never felt like he does, unless it's to boast about me to someone else (although that hasn't happened for a long time, since GCSEs!...I'm now late 40s!), and it's affected my relationships.

@Twobirdsinatree
Well done . I applaud you and your strength in facing up to.the reality of the situation with your mum and putting your family first. Dont mean to sound patronising but honestly I could've cheered reading your post . Stay strong x

@Biscuitsandpizza
welcome aboard. You will find a safe place to post with others who have struggled with similar issues and there are lovely supportive posters here who speak a lot of truth and wisdom.
Not me I have to add as at present I am struggling with the whole pendulum of guilt and confusion myself as I try to understand the dynamics of my own upbringing. So I get where you are coming from.
I think.it is the subtlety of the indifference and emotional neglect that makes it so v hard to see but hopefully you will be able to make more sense of it moving forward .

@flapjackfairy thank you.

Its great to see all the remarkable - brave people , helping each other and sharing their experiences on this fantastic thread . I read and can relate so much to these posts . 7 yr ago when I was in my worst place with my mother I was breaking down sobbing each week to my therapist. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world going through the living nightmare of feeling immense guilt , confusion, demoralisation , emotional abuse , trauma and self doubt. I thought I was going insane ! Nobody I knew also had a relationship like mine and my mothers . Nobody I knew also had the weight of a huge heavy blanket draped over their head that dragged on the floor and constantly tripped me up , that blanket was so thick , I couldn’t see anything else through . I was constantly aware of the weight of that horrible heavy blanket I carried everywhere . I always wondered what it would be like for other people who lived a life that didn’t require them to carry one . Wow ! Can you imagine. In my head , know one else has ever felt this way . I was the only weird person carrying all this emotion with me . I felt pathetic being in my 40s still feeling like that little girl who hasn’t get their shit together. How immature of me to not have a level , sane mind . How immature of me to not know how to set boundaries for myself . How immature of me to , still at my age , lose my shit every time my mother put me down . And the biggest one was , how immature of me to still long for her approval . My stomach is in knots writing this because I know deep down , the feeling I’m describing is still actually there . I still can’t shift her . I have to visit her today ( feel guilt coz I didn’t go yesterday ) I know it’s crazy isn’t it ! But I have to visit and I’m dreading it . It will spoil my day as I will be drained when I come out and know doubt I will feel like the shit daughter she has always made me feel like . She will tell me how unhappy she is and I will again feel responsible for that . . !!! She has done a great job on me as I’m still pathetic at 54 yrs old …… This forum has helped me sooo much to know I’m not alone and I’m not insane . I want to Thankyou all for sharing your stories .

Hopefully one day ( absolutely know idea how ) I may feel different. I may feel proud of myself for doing all I did for her when absolutely knowbody else did in the family . Hopefully one day I may feel like I was a good daughter and I am a nice person that my longtime friends , husband and children believe I am . So I guess I must be .

@Ydkiml
love and hugs to you for todays battle.
One day at a time is my.mantra and I try not to worry what may be ahead. You describe it all so eloquently and I am glad you have found kindred spirits to support you on here. It really is rubbish at times but hold onto the good people that see your worth and love and accept you for who.you are x

@Ydkiml You say "I have to visit her today". Why do you have to?

I had that sense of obligation for a long time, along with the fear and guilt (look up FOG).
I helped my "mother" for so long and got endless grief from her. Looking back, she actually did nothing for me ever, although she had me brainwashed into not realising this. She never babysat or helped with my children and when last year she told me if I'd been a proper mother she would have a better relationship with them now, that tipped me over the edge and I was done with her. She hasn't apologised, unless you count a voicemail "I don't know what it is you want an apology for but I'm very sorry", and in letters she later denied what she said and called me a liar. I could have saved myself years of stress if I'd walked away long ago.

Please look after you. Let that awful woman who abused you for years, and is still abusing you, live with the consequences of her own behaviour.

Thankyou for both of your responses. I honestly don’t know how I would live with the guilt if I stopped visiting her . I mustn’t be as strong as you which I admire in you . I know she doesn’t deserve me but when she dies , I think this will be within the next 5 years , it would be easier to live with her manipulative abuse than the guilt that I disowned her . I can hear how I sound but I can’t seem to get past the guilt she has constantly made me feel .

She will never apologise, she will never accept any responsibility for her actions or be the mother you perhaps still want her to be to you.

You are going to have to let go of all and any residual hope that she will change. That is what also keeps you bound to her now. You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had, rather than the one you actually got.

She installed that guilt button in you and she’s trained you from an early age to serve her whilst putting your own needs and wants dead last. You as the now adult child of a narcissistic parent received the Special Training that all such people receive. She is basically using you as her emotional dumping ground and sees you as an extension of her.

I would think she has no friends, any authority figures that she was actually afraid of have died off-and you are one of a very few, if any, who actually bother with her now again because of the special training you received. That’s also why you had to visit her today, you are mired in obligation to her too.

Omg you have hit the nail on the head . Your right she has no friends , hasn’t had for a long time , no family visit her other than me n my husband ( he does it for me not her ) and she does use me as a dumping ground . One thing positive that’s come out of this is that she shows me how not to be with my children. . I could go into details about how much I’ve done for her (so much) to try n make her happy and grateful, looking for some praise as a daughter but I don’t want to give detail as im worried someone may read it an know it’s me . Your totally right about I do cling onto hope of the relationship I’ve always wanted rather than excepting it’s never going to happen . Thankyou so much for taking your time out of your day for responding. I’m so pleased you have found some peace in your life through your brave actions

Welcome to all the new people here. This forum IS a lifeline.

How’s things MonkeyfromManchester? Is the hag playing up ?

Not seen her seen August. 🙌 when Mr Monkey’s sister in law and sons were here in Manchester. Four hours in all. It's a JOY not to have her encroach on my life. So much happier, no guilt. Mr Monkey doesn't capitulate to the utter bat shit nonsense any more. A really hard journey to get there, but so much better.