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Original poster

Not invited to the party...

177 replies

MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 07:34

I was chatting to a friend yesterday when she casually said, ‘Are you going to G’s 50th at the weekend?’
This was the first I’d heard of it so obviously my husband and I aren’t invited. My friend was really embarrassed when she realised…
We live very close to the party couple and are part of a group that does lots of stuff together. The women have coffees, do an exercise class together, go to the cinema… My husband and I have been to the party couple’s house for dinner and they’ve been to ours. We’re not close friends exactly, I’ve closer friends in the group, but you get the picture.
I can’t stop thinking about it, it feels like a real slight! I don’t think I’ve had this feeling since school days, the thought of everyone gathering to have fun just up the road and we’re not invited.
I wonder if she just forgot to invite us.. she’s quite a scatty person… but how will I ever know? Do I just act as friendly as ever when we see each other for our class next week - and if anyone mentions the party, act like I didn’t hear? (If they don’t mention it, that might feel even worse!!)

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 19/10/2022 07:46

You've only just heard about the party, so you don't know how big it is presumably? So it may be you weren't excluded, just not close enough to be invited (if it's a small party).

Don't sweat it. If anyone mentions it in front of you, just say you hope they have/had a good time.

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 07:48

Gosh you’ve a real fomo. Do you even know what sort of party it is? Is there some form of back story in terms of paranoia, anxiety etc? They don’t need to invite everyone to a celebration and can have a minor get together

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 19/10/2022 08:10

That's a bit harsh Tipsy. I think I'd feel a bit put out if someone in a group I belonged to invited everyone but me. The fact that the friend mentioned it suggests that she would have expected OP to have been invited. That said, agree with PP, it might be a very small gathering and as you said you're not the closest in the group.

If it's mentioned in front of the host, I'd just say, 'oh have a lovely evening, is it for a special occasion?' which makes it clear you've not been invited (just n case an invitation has gone missing)

mondaytosunday · 19/10/2022 08:30

Agree with @RockingMyFiftiesNot!

Original poster
MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 08:33

I'm pretty easy going generally and not clingy or jealous. I really wouldn't mind if it was a small intimate gathering, I'm not one of their closest friends. Bury the way my friend asked, it sounded like a party... not a small get together. She wouldn't have assumed I was going otherwise.
I've been surprised at my feelings, I really do feel like I'm 14 again! I'll try to put it out of my mind.

OP posts:
DosCervezas · 19/10/2022 08:37

The people having a party don't seem to regard you as a close friend. That's fine, at least now you know and you can focus your friendship energies on those who appreciate you.

dudsville · 19/10/2022 08:42

I had a vaguely similar experience once. I was in a group all of whom were close, but i was only close with one or two of them. For most of their weddings i was invited, but for one wedding i was only invited to the evening. I didn't take it as a slight because i understood that we were not close.

You say you aren't close. I'd shrug it off.

NCAutumn · 19/10/2022 08:44

I was missed off an invite list by accident just this weekend. It was a miscommunication between the couple holding the party and around 10 people didn't receive their invites. They realised only hours before the party.

I wouldn't worry, it'll be something like that

girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 08:47

They might have forgotten to invite you or they might not. If someone mentions it just be honest and say you haven't been invited.

Iamsodonewith2020 · 19/10/2022 11:54

It’s horrible OP. Have had this twice now. Most recently occurred when DH said him and the other husbands had decided to go away the weekend the wifes are on a spa weekend next weekend. Its the first i have heard about it and am definitely not invited/part of spa group. Really upset me and i can feel my MH sliding.

Billylilly · 19/10/2022 11:58

Easier said than done, but I would try to not overthink it for now... It may just be a small gathering, or one of those things where they feel like if they invite you then they have to invite such and such and so on.

Billylilly · 19/10/2022 12:00

Iamsodonewith2020 · 19/10/2022 11:54

It’s horrible OP. Have had this twice now. Most recently occurred when DH said him and the other husbands had decided to go away the weekend the wifes are on a spa weekend next weekend. Its the first i have heard about it and am definitely not invited/part of spa group. Really upset me and i can feel my MH sliding.

That is ultimate mean girls behaviour. Not nice. I hope you come to realise you are better than that!

Era · 19/10/2022 12:10

Yep I had this two weeks ago. Someone I have known for 15 years had a massive party and invited all of my friends and all of our extended friendship group. I was left out.

I saw her the following week and she didn’t mention it so it clearly wasn’t a mistake either

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 19/10/2022 12:36

MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 08:33

I'm pretty easy going generally and not clingy or jealous. I really wouldn't mind if it was a small intimate gathering, I'm not one of their closest friends. Bury the way my friend asked, it sounded like a party... not a small get together. She wouldn't have assumed I was going otherwise.
I've been surprised at my feelings, I really do feel like I'm 14 again! I'll try to put it out of my mind.

Sure but you’re jumping to conclusions, if you get on well but aren’t close friends as you say then it’s likely it’s a party for close friends. Larger get togethers cost and many people are doing smaller things

Original poster
MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 15:15

Yes, sure… but it’s mean in my view to leave one person in a friendship group out of a party invite. I wouldn’t do it personally… you must know it will probably get back to them and it’s the equivalent of the kids’ party where one or two kids don’t get invited. I’d buy the extra bag of crisps and bottle of wine! My friend mentioned asked me about it in front of others so I feel sure they’re invited. It was painful.

It may well be an oversight but it’s frustrating I may never know. Can’t really ask 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 15:18

Iamsodonewith2020 · 19/10/2022 11:54

It’s horrible OP. Have had this twice now. Most recently occurred when DH said him and the other husbands had decided to go away the weekend the wifes are on a spa weekend next weekend. Its the first i have heard about it and am definitely not invited/part of spa group. Really upset me and i can feel my MH sliding.

That must have been really upsetting, what a spiteful bunch! I hope your husband said something… and hope you feel better now.

OP posts:
Chocosprinkle · 19/10/2022 15:21

Similar thing happened to me. I cried. Then I was fuming with rage for weeks / months. Ended up finding new friends who would never do anything like that to me. Sounds like you need a new hobby and new friends.

Timetochangetheoil · 19/10/2022 15:21

OP I know that exact ‘left out 14 year old’ feeling you’re describing! It is miserable. I personally would try and do something nice for myself on that day, arrange to go to the cinema or out for dinner or something so I wasn’t at home thinking about it.

And I would never let the host know I cared about not being invited!

Ofcourseshecan · 19/10/2022 15:23

Iamsodonewith2020 · 19/10/2022 11:54

It’s horrible OP. Have had this twice now. Most recently occurred when DH said him and the other husbands had decided to go away the weekend the wifes are on a spa weekend next weekend. Its the first i have heard about it and am definitely not invited/part of spa group. Really upset me and i can feel my MH sliding.

Surely DH won’t go with the men if you’re not invited with the women? Maybe there’s been a mistake and each woman thinks one of the others has invited you?

coodawoodashooda · 19/10/2022 15:24

Timetochangetheoil · 19/10/2022 15:21

OP I know that exact ‘left out 14 year old’ feeling you’re describing! It is miserable. I personally would try and do something nice for myself on that day, arrange to go to the cinema or out for dinner or something so I wasn’t at home thinking about it.

And I would never let the host know I cared about not being invited!

If you let the host know you'll look like you're 14.

Knittingnanny2 · 19/10/2022 15:31

I understand how you feel completely. That 14 yr old left out feeling never leaves you. A fairly close friend of 30 years got married quietly a few weeks ago and most of our mutual friends were invited to the very small afternoon tea gathering afterwards in a local hotel. I didn’t get an invite and wasn’t told he’d got married til a week later
Im 66 and it still hurt a bit. But I got over it quickly as life is too short.

Chocosprinkle · 19/10/2022 15:32

Totally mean girls behaviour yup. That's hurtful and horrible. I would do something nice on that day and stop socialising with these people!

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2022 15:38

They can’t invite everybody (particularly not if they’re like the MNers who insist that if you have a party you must provide all the alcoholic drinks for the night for all your guests because expecting anyone to BYOB or having a pay bar is unspeakably rude and tacky and everyone will talk behind you back and you don’t deserve to have a party or any friends) and you don’t know who else isn’t invited. It may be a lot smaller than you’re imagining. Obviously it’s not nice to feel left out, but you say yourself that you wouldn’t consider them terribly close friends - they’ve presumably just concentrated on those they are closer to.

Original poster
MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 15:54

Knittingnanny2 · 19/10/2022 15:31

I understand how you feel completely. That 14 yr old left out feeling never leaves you. A fairly close friend of 30 years got married quietly a few weeks ago and most of our mutual friends were invited to the very small afternoon tea gathering afterwards in a local hotel. I didn’t get an invite and wasn’t told he’d got married til a week later
Im 66 and it still hurt a bit. But I got over it quickly as life is too short.

That really must have hurt, especially as you didn't even know about the marriage. I guess it was easier not to tell you than explain numbers were limited... but that's cowardly really. I'm sure you're still a valued friend, anyway... and you had the right attitude. Life is too short.

OP posts:
Original poster
MonetMuse · 19/10/2022 15:56

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2022 15:38

They can’t invite everybody (particularly not if they’re like the MNers who insist that if you have a party you must provide all the alcoholic drinks for the night for all your guests because expecting anyone to BYOB or having a pay bar is unspeakably rude and tacky and everyone will talk behind you back and you don’t deserve to have a party or any friends) and you don’t know who else isn’t invited. It may be a lot smaller than you’re imagining. Obviously it’s not nice to feel left out, but you say yourself that you wouldn’t consider them terribly close friends - they’ve presumably just concentrated on those they are closer to.

I wouldn't dream of turning up empty-handed!

OP posts: