Wife devastated me, has 'fell out of love'

[Pete76]

Hi all,

Still a bit fresh for me, so excuse me if any of this is incoherent!

Last night my wife admitted to me she isn't in love with me any more, we've been together nearly 14 years, married 9 and have an awesome 7s

I'll try and keep the back story consice, but if anyone needs to know anything, lemme know.

I'm 45, she's 32, we talked long and hard about if the gap was too big, but when we started going out, we both felt like it was absolutely the right thing to do.

We moved in together in 2009 after 9 months and were very much in love for years, got married 2013 just after I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds. After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house. Honestly I was always tired, like always. Turns out it was a side effect of the meds, but I didn't realise at the time.

Also (and no disrespect to my parents) I was brought up with the mum doing the housework, and the dad working to provide. Looking back, that was shortsighted of me, but that was all I knew and I thought that was normal.

I knew she wanted kids, I had an 11s from a previous relationship, but thought being able to look forward to having a baby would change me for the better (she hadn't told me, but she was hoping the same)

It didn't and I hated myself for it, she was overwhelmed with new ds (b2015) and I was either tired, or working (cos from my childhood, I thought that was normal)

This is where her resentment started, but she didn't let me know, so I thought everything was fine.

Fast forward to 2019 and she tells me she's isn't in love anymore and just kept quiet for an 'easy life', brought up my lack of housework and early parenting effort. this was a Massive shock to me at the time. I felt deceived and didn't realise she'd been holding it all in.

We agreed she used to love me, and we'd do all we could to see if that could be rekindled. For my part, I went to docs and got put on different meds, which honestly gave me a new lease of life and made me more like I used to be, spent amazing time with ds, did house chores, wasn't tired any more!

She agreed not to keep her feelings from me and be open about what we needed to do to make it work. To see if she could fall in love again and I could learn to trust her after her closing off to me.

We decided on a fresh start, clean slate, learn from mistakes.

Went on date nights, out as a family, all seemed great and she told me she loved me again.

Then last night, she said I don't love you any more.

She'd been holding it all in again after I tried so hard to make her feel appreciated, loved etc.

It wasn't anything I'd done recently, it was the same issue from years ago. I feel like I'm trying so hard, but she is holding on to the past. She understands I was in a difficult place back then, and I know she was too.

I've agreed to move out to my mums for a few weeks to give her space, but honestly, I'm totally broken, I love her so deeply, and I know she has felt the same in the past.

Can we fix this?
Sorry for the megalong post

It takes a lot of courage to end a relationship so I would go with her decision. Its painful I know but you will get better. Try and stay amicable now and do the best to coparent.

I wouldn’t love you either. Utter bollocks you thought everyone was living in the 1950s and it was normal for men to be disengaged from running the household and caring for the children.

She’s put up with far more than I would have and for far longer. Treat people you claim to love like unpaid staff and they’ll go off you, no matter how they try to pretend it’s okay.

She’s been miserable and resentful for years, the least you can do is accept the difficult decision she’s made. Be decent about finances and childcare split and let her move on.

Honestly, that's the image I grew up with as a child. I would totally have done chores and been more of an equal had I had the right meds/no anxiety from the start.

The fact she didn't let me know how she was truly feeling didn't really precipitate a change in me.

I'm not saying it was right, far from it, I'm saying when I realised the issue, I put my all into changing for the better, and did. I do as much as I possibly can since I changed meds

A 32-year-old and a 19-year-old? Gross.

Let's accept your premise that you grew up in a vacuum and didn't realise men were also capable of cleaning and cooking. When your wife told you in 2013 that you needed to do more, wasn't that a bit of a clue?

Good luck to your ex. I hope she finds happiness.

It’s hard, once you’re out of love it’s hard to go back. For the record my husband comes from a culture (as do I) where men are worshipped and waited on and women do everything but he was brought up in the U.K. so knew that wasn’t the done thing anymore, he knew what my expectations were and I have no complaints. I’m wondering if it was your depression making you demotivated and so she picked up the slack which put her off. You could try marriage counselling but she’d have to be willing to want to make it work otherwise it would just be one way.

I’m in a similar situation to your wife.
i didn’t talk to my husband about it because I didn’t feel I could talk to him about anything, and he had dismissed me in the past when I tried to raise stuff. I also know he can’t change who he is (and nor should he). It’s not his fault how he is exactly but doesn’t mean I have to live with it.
he is refusing to accept my decision and putting on a lot of emotional pressure. I also feel he’s being quite emotionally manipulative and is basically saying no, he can’t cope with separating so we’re not doing it.

please listen to what she’s saying she wants, and let her go.

Could there be another man involved?

Sorry but women including myself are sick of doing it all while the man of the house does nothing. It's easier to just leave.
I've taken anti anxiety meds for years. It doesn't stop me working and doing stuff round the house.
I hope this will be a wake up call for you.

It did tell me that, but the side effects of the meds I was on at the time (antidepressants) was a lack of empathy, basically made me not really care about anything, instead of worrying about everything. Also crippling lethargy and a full time job, I was hardly there mentally.

If I hadn't been diagnosed with GAD and depression, or had the right meds from the start, I'm pretty sure we would be in a solid loving relationship.

Tldr: I realised way too late I was in the wrong, but didn't have the mental wherewithal to do anything about it at the time

Honestly, seek to respectfully co-parent.

I'm surprised she agreed to try again, you passivity about your total neglect of your marriage and family would have killed all the love. Left up to you there would have been no change, you would have carried on being checked out of all the important parts of marriage because you never bothered to be anything but tired. I get being depressed, that's me. But you have to take responsibility for getting better, all you did was get well enough to work and you never even saw how this impacted on your family.

You got together with a 19 year old when you were 32 and thought that was ok? Well you reap what you sow.

"Honestly, that's the image I grew up with as a child. I would totally have done chores and been more of an equal had I had the right meds/no anxiety from the start.
The fact she didn't let me know how she was truly feeling didn't really precipitate a change in me."

If my husband thought it was my job to make him less selfish by telling him how I felt about it, I'd want shut of him too.

"Women, you are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men. Its not your job to fix him, change him, parent or raise him. You want a partner not a project" Julia Roberts.

'I’m wondering if it was your depression making you demotivated and so she picked up the slack which put her off'

Exactly right, I've agreed to give her space for some weeks, she agreed to try counselling to try and look beyond the idiot I was in the middle of our relationship.

And believe me, we wondered about the age gap, asked friends, family etc, and they were all supportive.

It sounds like you’ve tried your best and given your all ! If that’s not enough for her then that’s that . Nothing more you can other than know you did your best , know there was nothing else you could of done and be proud of yourself for your effort . Then , put all the energy into be the best version of yourself , as a parent , friend and future partner . Don’t worry too much , life works itself out .

Stop using how you were raised as an excuse to be lazy. By using your logic, I should be a raging alcoholic junkie because that’s all I knew. I had a choice to do better, and so did you.

I think you need to accept her decision. It sounds like things have gone too far now.
You should never have left everything to her and hopefully you will learn from this going forward.

No I didn't see, cos towards me she was happy and there wasn't a problem.

He grandparents had a similar age gap, and she was 16. If it hadn't felt right, we wouldn't have done it.

Pete, unless you walked around with your eyes shut for 40 odd years, you would know damn well that the world had changed, you just preferred her to do all the donkey work because it's boring and hard and nobody likes it, so you put yourself above it. Admit your failings to yourself rather than trying to palm them off as your parents failure to raise you properly. You're not stupid. You're not blind. You knew you were opting out of something more difficult and leaving it up to her, anxiety or not. And now it's bitten you squarely in the bollocks and you still can't accept that you're 100% responsible for the choices you made not to be a 50/50 adult and parent in your own household. She has fallen out of love with you because you're basically a giant man child and she'd tired of the drudgery of having to carry your lazy, disrespectful arse about and at 32, she's wondering if she's perhaps wasted some of the best years of her life on hoping you'd start to give a damn about her experiences and her enjoyment. But no. It's all been about you and how easy the ride is. I bet you only ever noticed when she didn't do something, but never appreciated or thanked her for the things she did. Of course you didn't, because your parents didn't teach you how to appreciate anyone else, right? And you've had absolutely zero contact with the outside world or modern society to correct that. 🙄

Mate. She doesn't love you because you have behaved in a fundementally unloveable way for the last three years after she TOLD you what she didn't love and for at least seven years after you SAW she was struggling horribly under the weight of all of your expectations and laziness.

At 18, would you have put up with a woman in her 30s, expecting you to do absolutely everything and taking no accountability? In your 20s? In your 30s? No, the fuck you would not.

Let her go and find someone who will appreciate her and support her, because you've had 14 years to be that man, and you are definitely not him.

Sigh. You can’t force love.
Youve made all the changes and grown into a better husband and father but love isn’t a case of if you do everything right, then your reward is the love of the woman you love. She can’t help how she feels. I think she really wanted to feel love for you again, and no doubt you’ve both been trying. But you cannot force it. She cannot feel what isn’t there for her.

I would be grateful for the chance she gave you to see if love would return on her part. There’s nothing more either of you can do. And at least this has set you up to be good co-parents- working together instead of being hostile. So I’d focus on your children and how to co-parent.

She was basically a child. You were an adult. I bet it felt right for her because it was all romantic and exciting. It shouldn't have felt even a little bit right for you. I think it should have felt like a crime if I'm honest.

I'm sorry, but many successful marriages have age gaps bigger than that, the age isn't the issue, we're both on a level emotionally and always have been.

So as a 31 year old man you just thought it was normal to get together with an 18 year old and have her cook and clean for you and run around like a 1950’s housewife, while expecting that same teenage fiancé to have better emotional intelligence and relational problem solving skills than you as an adult man and experienced parent in your thirties?

You’ve blamed lots of things here; your upbringing, your tablets, fatigue, your wife, etc but don’t seem to take any personal responsibility.

It sounds like she’s tried her hardest and it hasn’t worked, you have to let her go!

Sorry but 19 isn’t a child. A 13yr age gap is on the large side but not anything remotely like a crime. Saying such things minimises actual crimes of adult men with underage girls.

Age gaps may be bigger but you went after a someone barely out of childhood. Of course she won’t be the same person she was as a teenager, most people aren’t. Maybe she’s had enough of being stuck with a middle aged man who doesn’t pull his weight?

It's was my upbringing's fault and I've never seen any other relationship type in all my years. It was my med's fault, but didn'tdo anythingabout changing them until too late. It was my wife's fault for not actually telling me I was being a lazy, disconnected, uninvolved husband and father and she was falling out of love with me bit my bit. Because I am so completely unself-aware that I couldn't work out on my own that being a lazy, disconnected, uninvolved husband and father wasn't normal or loveable or sustainable.

I hear excuses, and self-pity, but a complete lack of personal responsibility.