Wife devastated me, has 'fell out of love'

[Pete76]

Hi all,

Still a bit fresh for me, so excuse me if any of this is incoherent!

Last night my wife admitted to me she isn't in love with me any more, we've been together nearly 14 years, married 9 and have an awesome 7s

I'll try and keep the back story consice, but if anyone needs to know anything, lemme know.

I'm 45, she's 32, we talked long and hard about if the gap was too big, but when we started going out, we both felt like it was absolutely the right thing to do.

We moved in together in 2009 after 9 months and were very much in love for years, got married 2013 just after I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds. After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house. Honestly I was always tired, like always. Turns out it was a side effect of the meds, but I didn't realise at the time.

Also (and no disrespect to my parents) I was brought up with the mum doing the housework, and the dad working to provide. Looking back, that was shortsighted of me, but that was all I knew and I thought that was normal.

I knew she wanted kids, I had an 11s from a previous relationship, but thought being able to look forward to having a baby would change me for the better (she hadn't told me, but she was hoping the same)

It didn't and I hated myself for it, she was overwhelmed with new ds (b2015) and I was either tired, or working (cos from my childhood, I thought that was normal)

This is where her resentment started, but she didn't let me know, so I thought everything was fine.

Fast forward to 2019 and she tells me she's isn't in love anymore and just kept quiet for an 'easy life', brought up my lack of housework and early parenting effort. this was a Massive shock to me at the time. I felt deceived and didn't realise she'd been holding it all in.

We agreed she used to love me, and we'd do all we could to see if that could be rekindled. For my part, I went to docs and got put on different meds, which honestly gave me a new lease of life and made me more like I used to be, spent amazing time with ds, did house chores, wasn't tired any more!

She agreed not to keep her feelings from me and be open about what we needed to do to make it work. To see if she could fall in love again and I could learn to trust her after her closing off to me.

We decided on a fresh start, clean slate, learn from mistakes.

Went on date nights, out as a family, all seemed great and she told me she loved me again.

Then last night, she said I don't love you any more.

She'd been holding it all in again after I tried so hard to make her feel appreciated, loved etc.

It wasn't anything I'd done recently, it was the same issue from years ago. I feel like I'm trying so hard, but she is holding on to the past. She understands I was in a difficult place back then, and I know she was too.

I've agreed to move out to my mums for a few weeks to give her space, but honestly, I'm totally broken, I love her so deeply, and I know she has felt the same in the past.

Can we fix this?
Sorry for the megalong post

What does awesome 7s mean?!

7 year old son I assumed as he uses 11s later on to indicate another child

The whole point is that she TRIED to make it work.
The fact whatever you did wasn’t enough doesn’t mean she didn’t try. If she hadn’t, she would have left a few years ago.

And believe me if it’s likely that its not just about resentment. It’s also about hurt, every time she needed support and you ‘didn’t see it’, you told her, with your actions that she didn’t matter. The trust was eroded every time.
She told you many times over the years she wasn’t happy. It’s not until the very end you tried to do something about it. And more to the point, you thought that doing more hw and going in dates would solve the issue.
But the issue hasn’t been the hw for. a long time. It’s the lack of trust. It’s how can you trust and respect someone who didn’t show you respect and treated her with care. With the care she deserved. You’ve tackled the easy bit. It wasn’t enough.

That's a really good point from PP that she's made this decision at the age you were when you started dating and sleeping with her and moved her in.

I'm around her age and the thought of doing those things with a 19 year old makes me feel so skincrawlingly icky. I just cannot imagine wanting to, let alone doing so.

This may have been a lightbulb moment for her, realising that you took advantage of the power dynamic, or at very best chose not to make the morally right decision and as a consequence for a massive part of her 20s she did the housework, parenting and emotional labour for a whole household.

She must look back and judge the decisions and character of 32 year old you in a way that she couldn't have done at the time.

So before you were married you pulled your weight, then stopped after?

Btw equality….
When a mum is exhausted and she has a baby, she still gets on with the work. She still looks after her baby. She still cooks and clean. Like your dwife has over the years.

When you got exhausted, you gave up and expected her to do it all because you just couldn’t….

See the difference?

And I don’t buy the ‘I couldn’t do anything about it. It was the meds’. You could have. You cod have gone to see your gp to understand you were so tired. You could have pushed yourself more. Women do that all the time. Why couldn’t you?

Then started again when he thought she might leave.

It's almost like he only pulls his weight when he thinks there's something in it for him e.g. her marrying him at the beginning / her not leaving him at the end.

And allll the middle he simultaneously didn't know men were meant to do equal amounts because of his parents but also did know men were meant to do equal amounts and didn't because of his meds...

Riddle me that!

Apparently his penis prevented him due to his upbringing

Very common for those men who think they want to be equal with women but still expect to be able to revert back to the 1950 as soon as children are in the scene.
Like ‘now she is stuck with me so I dint have to make any effort’.

Usually start with ML.

@Pete76 You’ve admitted you’ve been passive in the past, and have acknowledged how it was damaging to your relationship. That’s a good reflection.

Please don’t be passive now.

You’ve used quite passive language like “I’ve agreed”, “she can choose”.

If you love her, do her an act of love by actively participating in this separation and divorce.

If you mope along, being sad that you’ve tried so hard but she’s dumped you, you’re just validating the reasons she’s fallen out of love.

If you step up to the situation, support her and your DC through the work there is ahead, then you could at least keep her respect and friendship.

the age isn't the issue, we're both on a level emotionally and always have been.

Hm well even if that's true, my experience of a similar age gap is that physically we all age and sooner or later the younger party tends to start to find the older one less attractive.

But regardless, your OP is a catalogue of a lot of the things women tend to write on here about why they can't put up with their husband anymore.

I think you probably took her for granted for some reason (it happened to me with an older partner.) I don't know why guys that much older do that rather than realize how lucky they are.

If you feel a responsibility to your family and you are too tired to take an active part in their lives and keeping the house going, then you go to the GP to get to the bottom of it.

I don't know what these 'inconclusive' blood tests were, but it makes no sense to me. Anti depressants and anti-anxiety meds are famous for producing lethargy. If you are on those meds and you go to your GP to say 'I am not looking after my family because I'm exhausted and nauseous', the very first thing they will do is change your meds. Not perform blood tests.

I know, because I've done it. I am a single parent. I can't afford several weeks of not being able to function, let's alone several years.

You haven't taken responsibility for anything. She has lost all respect for you and that's killed the love.

Her keeping quiet is probably because there will have been a mismatched power dynamic at the beginning that probably never righted itself until now. She didn't know any better. She probably blamed herself for not feeling the way she 'should' and tried to ride it out. That's not her fault either.

You are frustrating.

And ignore the dickhead above with the advice about keeping the family home and protecting your pension. That is selfish behind all understanding.

@lifeissweet He's already changed his meds, to be fair. It maybe is just too late and also, OP admits he also had an assumption a woman would do everything around the home.

Too little too late comes to mind…

I mean she started complain8ng he was doing enough around the house in 2013.
9 years is plenty to pull your socks up and do something. She was very patient Imo.

it doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do, what you’re doing now, the age gap or the cause of any of it. You could be the most perfect man in the world but your wife is not obligated to be in a relationship with you because she isn’t a vending machine where you put in nice and get out love, she’s a human with thought and feelings and wants and desires. She’s expressed hers and you should respect them.

My point was that I would have been banging down the GP's door after a few weeks of feeling this way. Not several years.

You can't be that exhausted when you have a family to be involved with and care for.

He has done it now, but he should have done it as soon as it started being a problem. Except it wasn't a problem for him until his wife wanted to leave, was it?

You treated your wife like a domestic servant. You used some BS excuse that being on meds / ADs stopped you from contributing equally to the home.

Frankly, you were a lazy entitled s**t, and I am glad your wife has finally made the decision to leave you.

It must have been hell for her for who knows how many years. I hope she can recover from this awful time with you, and become the best version of herself in the absence of the weight you have been in her life.

No sympathy from me I’m afraid. I am sick of men like you - of which there are too many - treating their partners like crap and then having a pity fest for themselves when the women decide enough is enough.

Let her go, and be as generous as you can with the financial separation to give her a sound foundation to move forward. That would be a basic starting point for how you can start to make amends for your previous abhorrent behaviour.

What were you expecting from this thread Op?

👏

@Pete76 …Pete…. My dude…. You straight played yourself.

Big Time!

1. In your 30s you got involved with a teenager and married her. I’m surprised it lasted this long! There will come a time is almost everyone who got married that early to feel a sense of regret at the freedom and growth they gave up for…what? Love? Except after so many years it wasn’t love, just duty and expectation. You can’t be with someone who was so young and think they aren’t going to do some VERY hard thinking later.
2. You are no longer that exciting sexy older man who made her feel so special and grown up. She is no longer the one among her friends in that “serious” OMG adult for realsies relationship… now her friends are all in them and with men closer to their age who don’t leave their stinky socks about or piss and moan bout their meds like an old man. Hell, some off them might be active partners who love and actively respect their spouse. Your not some total old man, but your older man mystic is donzo.
3. You make too many excuses my dude… that might work on a young adult but once you hit 25/26 you start seeing them for what they are. You come off rather weak minded as well. You don’t have the swagger of a man who did wrong but will be up for the challenge. She’s been raising a kid, she knows ALL about lame excuses… man up.
4. Anything you promise or do other than making this separation easy for her while stepping up to coparent your own child is going to make her even more resolute. Why the hell didn’t you do it sooner? When she asked? When she needed you to? You act like nobody here doesn’t have mental crap…l bet she has been depressed for a long time and her survival instincts from her abusive past made her show true grit and try…between us…don’t you feel like a bit of a man baby? You aren’t that sophisticated take charge older man anymore now are you?

You almost can’t be real, because your inability to take any accountability is truly something to behold. You played yourself and you KEEP doing it! All because your ego can’t for a moment take the real weight of what YOUR actions have brought upon your life. You! YOU!

it’s not her job to make you better. Its not her job to shoulder the domestic and other burdens your mental health or upbringing or whatever doles out. Her life is MORE than YOU. It’s not her job to love you. It’s not her job to even like you.

You find all these posts telling you exactly what is up because you REFUSE to be accountable for what YOU have done. Namely playing yourself so hard that the most you’ll get from this os a hard lesson and a wake up call to be a better father to your child.

PS it’s also not her job to carry the burden of making you lovable. Nothing dries up a lady to tundra levels or brings on the ick more than having to manage a man so that he takes your feelings, needs, and happiness into consideration. To literally BEG and FIGHT to matter…

why didn’t you check in on her needs? Why didn’t you check in on her emotions? Don’t even start with “BUT well muh meds and my mentals ya see” because I’m calling bullshit.

You didn’t even need to get out of bed to to turn to her and ask how you could make her happy…. How you could make her feel more safe… how you could make her feel more loved…..ya know, like actually give a crap! It takes no energy to respect and love someone. It’s a default mode.

You didn’t have it and now you need to get sorted. For your child and yourself. You aren’t going to pull in any 19 year olds anymore… doubtful. You’re 45 and being Mr Provider hasn’t really been your big talent… you didn’t do much there… no holidays and such…. Sad. I bet her friends get those fun things….

even without the money… just the simple quiet real love that people feel. Just the morning “hey, let’s do something for you! It makes me happy when you’re happy” doesn’t seem to have occurred…. Why? Why did YOU let this happen?

YOU

Unfortunately (for you), it sounds like she’s outgrown you. People change significantly through their 20’s and into their 30’s, as I’m sure you remember. She’s now done that growing and realistically you’re not where her future lies.

Tell people, have some counselling (on your own) and coparent in a mature way.

You will be happier in the end if you accept this.

"And she says she's tried, but I tried by actively changing my outlook, she tried by doing nothing, not communicating her feelings and hoping it would be okay in the end."

Petulant man-child engaged in victim blaming, again. Definite wafts of DARVO.

Too little, too late I'm afraid.

Anyway maybe she want to find an 18 year old to date instead of a 45 year old, like you did.

And you won't be alone for long as you won't have a problem dating depressed anxious 58 year old women who let you do all the house work. Appearance, age gaps and house work don't matter right?

B.b….buttttttt don’t you seeeeeeeeeeeee?

He changed is OUTLOOK!

HIS.
OUTLOOK.

whatever that means not a lot of action words on his side… What does changing outlook even do? Where are the action words?

STILL…

This bitch DARED to HOPE it would be OK in the end!!! So BUSY was she daring to hope… tending to his needs and their child’s….. she didn’t even cOMuniCaTE her feelings she shared so many times only to be shushed because this mans fee fees…. He Didn’t get harassed and begged and like a dark horse she basically WOUNDED him with her very annoying inner feelings of wants and needs.

His.
Outlook.
Changed.

MOAR COMMUNICATION WAS NEEDED!

How can ignore things if they aren’t right in his face! Oh wait….

Lucky are we he’s a bit of a shit provider and will be unlikely to pull in any more teens. His soon to be ex is a smart one at last. She has so many years of wonderful before her. Blessing she has woke up!