Wife devastated me, has 'fell out of love'

[Pete76]

Hi all,

Still a bit fresh for me, so excuse me if any of this is incoherent!

Last night my wife admitted to me she isn't in love with me any more, we've been together nearly 14 years, married 9 and have an awesome 7s

I'll try and keep the back story consice, but if anyone needs to know anything, lemme know.

I'm 45, she's 32, we talked long and hard about if the gap was too big, but when we started going out, we both felt like it was absolutely the right thing to do.

We moved in together in 2009 after 9 months and were very much in love for years, got married 2013 just after I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds. After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house. Honestly I was always tired, like always. Turns out it was a side effect of the meds, but I didn't realise at the time.

Also (and no disrespect to my parents) I was brought up with the mum doing the housework, and the dad working to provide. Looking back, that was shortsighted of me, but that was all I knew and I thought that was normal.

I knew she wanted kids, I had an 11s from a previous relationship, but thought being able to look forward to having a baby would change me for the better (she hadn't told me, but she was hoping the same)

It didn't and I hated myself for it, she was overwhelmed with new ds (b2015) and I was either tired, or working (cos from my childhood, I thought that was normal)

This is where her resentment started, but she didn't let me know, so I thought everything was fine.

Fast forward to 2019 and she tells me she's isn't in love anymore and just kept quiet for an 'easy life', brought up my lack of housework and early parenting effort. this was a Massive shock to me at the time. I felt deceived and didn't realise she'd been holding it all in.

We agreed she used to love me, and we'd do all we could to see if that could be rekindled. For my part, I went to docs and got put on different meds, which honestly gave me a new lease of life and made me more like I used to be, spent amazing time with ds, did house chores, wasn't tired any more!

She agreed not to keep her feelings from me and be open about what we needed to do to make it work. To see if she could fall in love again and I could learn to trust her after her closing off to me.

We decided on a fresh start, clean slate, learn from mistakes.

Went on date nights, out as a family, all seemed great and she told me she loved me again.

Then last night, she said I don't love you any more.

She'd been holding it all in again after I tried so hard to make her feel appreciated, loved etc.

It wasn't anything I'd done recently, it was the same issue from years ago. I feel like I'm trying so hard, but she is holding on to the past. She understands I was in a difficult place back then, and I know she was too.

I've agreed to move out to my mums for a few weeks to give her space, but honestly, I'm totally broken, I love her so deeply, and I know she has felt the same in the past.

Can we fix this?
Sorry for the megalong post

It's nothing to do with the age gap, it's to do with you. You had over a decade to fix things and didn't. I'm not surprised that your wife has had enough.

To be fair on the age gap…he chicken hawked her in her teens after she was living in an abusive household. He was at that time no doubt an alluring older man, but then as time went on he became a huge disappointment.

when you are 19 it doesn’t take much for a man to seem successful and grown up. God I hope he reads this. It took so little to trick a 19 year old!

Once you are with him and ‘Mr Provider Can’t Help With Domestic Duties Because BUT INSERT LAME EXCUSE HERE DISAPPOINTMENT “ is unable to even take you on a small holiday for half a decade….. you’d start to wonder what in the world his value was…

She was barely 19 and ina family dynamic where this sent shameful….

You are right but the age thing is something I think should be noted. Even a 19 year old married to some 30 something year old wised up to his trash offerings. Let that be known!

Seeing as you targeted her when she was only 18, she will have been conditioned to think that what she had was a 'normal' relationship. I have no idea what has caused her to wake up and realise she deserves more but she has and you need to let her go.
Be a cooperative and considerate co parent but for fucks sake let her go and find happiness of her own

Gosh. Your poor wife has been a carer and servant all her life. First for her parents, then for a stepchild not much younger than her, then housewife to you, then mother to her own child.

She probably thought, at the time, getting together with you would improve her life, but really it just ended up being more of the same. A relentless slog. It sounds like now she might be realising that life doesn't have to be like this. That it never should have been like this.

Jesus Christ OP, take some responsibility!

Women here aren’t stupid enough to believe that you were simply unaware that we don’t spend our youth dreaming of one day finding a man we can skivvy for. Never heard of the suffrage movement? Women’s fight to get into the work place passed you by did it? You just assumed we live for picking up a man dirty pants after him? Fuck off with that. Seriously, no one is buying it.

You, a grown man, took advantage of a teenage girl in a vulnerable situation and turned her into your skivvy. She’s outgrown you, she’s realised she’s worth more.

Id love to know what sort of split you’ve proposed? What do you think should happen with the house? I hope you learn from this and treat your next teenage girlfriend with a hell of a lot more respect.

He has done it now, but he should have done it as soon as it started being a problem. Except it wasn't a problem for him until his wife wanted to leave, was it?

yeah, this is the crux of it really. I imagine his wife is painfully aware of this too. And that’s why this marriage is irretrievable. She knows he has only started to try to fix things when he was going to get hurt, not when it was hurting her.

It would suck to lose the carer you had been grooming since she was a teenager for the job.

Now who is going to wipe your arse when she's off with a man get own age who does the dishes?

"Your wife is not obligated to be in a relationship with you because she isn’t a vending machine where you put in nice and get out love, she’s a human with thought and feelings and wants and desires. She’s expressed hers and you should respect them."

This, totally. No matter the whys and wherefores, it boils down to this. She doesn't need your permission to end the relationship.

Off point, but could someone explain how this relationship has been going on for 13 years, but there's an 11-year old from a previous relationship? Or was the kid 11 when they got together?

Kitten you’re killing me!

Pete you asked and you have received an almost unanimous response. Hopefully it will help you to leave this poor woman the fuck alone now and put your energy into being a respectful and active co-parent.

JustKittenAround is spot on!

It appears your Victorian values have bitten you on the bum.

These fixed roles seem to be fine for people so long as they are on the receiving end of the better deal. Young compliant wife, turned housekeeper with few expectations.

Unfortunately these same values of fair exchange, older man manipulates younger woman, usually with advantages of security and wealth can backfire when younger woman finds another who can provide better and look better than an older model.

You are a practical man, you saw the benefits at the time of dating a very young woman, the ease of manipulation, control and expectation. Surely you can see that maybe she now wants similar selfish benefits that her age brings, she is in the prime of her life and can expect more.

That's life, you have it good for a while, then lose it.

This!

You're 45, not 85. My dad- who would be 84 now- struggled at times to understand my mam wasn't his domestic maid. However, he LEARNED through the 90s/ 00s/ 10s that things have CHANGED! You're not getting away with this 'poor me' shit. Face up to the fact that this is your fault. Tired? Tired? I'll bet you your wife could tell you about being tired.

Let her go and co-parent the best you could ever be.

Puffalicious: You're 45, not 85. My dad- who would be 84 now- struggled at times to understand my mam wasn't his domestic maid. However, he LEARNED through the 90s/ 00s/ 10s that things have CHANGED! You're not getting away with this 'poor me' shit. Face up to the fact that this is your fault. Tired? Tired? I'll bet you your wife could tell you about being tired

Absolutely this!! OP seems to be stuck in a time warp!

My Grandad and my father both did household chores - grandad was born in 1898 and dad was born in 1924.

My DH (over 20 years older than OP) was brought up in a house similar to the one OP described but knew by the 1990s that this was not reality anymore.

The reason why i divorced my two husbands was because they both treated me like the scullery maid despite me working full time and I won't put up with it. Its about time men woke up to that and quickly but they don't seem to be.

I agree. She was barely 18 and you were 31 when you got together. She was still virtually a child and now she has grown up and outgrown you. Kharma

I can see why she fell out of love with you, even in your OP you're assigning some of the blame to her. Also think she was far too young in getting into a relationship with a much older man, she was still a teenager. It's not the age gap itself but how young she was at the time, her years for being selfish and living free were taken from her

Looking at the timeline, you got married in 2009, at which point she told you repeatedly that you don't do your fair share of housework. Then you have a 7 year old - so birth in 2015? That's 6 years and beyond of you not pulling your weight and leaving it all to her - as she tells you you were a poor support when DC came along. Square the "kept telling you after you were married" with the later claim that you never knew how she felt?
Excuse number 1-" But I was tired" - do you not think she wasn't after picking up your slack? Somehow, did you manage to find the energy to work, do other things in life, just not the housework?
Excuse number 2 " you grew up in an old fashioned, traditional household", so was your DW a stay at home mother all the time, or did she, unlike your DM, have employment elsewhere? Either you are traditional and on the same page or you are not. If you both go out to work, you can't cherry pick to be traditional for housework but not when iI livet comes to employment. BTW, I'm from a trad household growing up, I'm older than you, it's no excuse, because I've spent longer as an adult in the real world as it is now and not chosen to be blinkered because its the easiest path for me, whilst dumping on others.
Finally, it's 2022, so 13 years she's had of building upset and resentment after telling you she needed more input. No, you can't turn it around, it's too long, you've had fair warning.
Now you know, you can become a better person by learning from it, and living on your own for a good while - so you have to do for yourself, or find yourself dwelling in a pigsty.

Correction - married in 2013 - so only been 9 years since she told you exactly what was wrong 🙄

I’m afraid this this Manlette has long been frightened off by sweet lady truth.

HE HAD CHANGED HIS OUTLOOK ya see!

So us meanies (likely old and grey cat ladies in his mind… paying little mind to his old grey self ALONE with zero cats but a beer guy) laid the truth rain hard and without mercy.

He is still reeling about how everything is agains HIM. Despite the fact that he could have sorted his meds much earlier and the fact that he thought a 19 year old girl wouldn’t wise up and find better than his old ass …

I had hoped he would come back and see the error of his ways but he won’t. He doesn’t realize how outdated he is and how he played himself.

Pete! If you’re easing this… you didn’t bring hone the bacon enough to make it worth it for her. Christ man, you kept her low income. You held her back, and you aren’t a prize my dude!

Bet when she starts dating and having other men her head will spin!!! Pete? When was the last time you made your wife happy physically? She is about to have a lot of fun!!!

No need to reply if your going to old man talk about your meds and ailments… no body cares!

So us meanies (likely old and grey cat ladies in his mind… paying little
mind to his old grey self ALONE with zero cats but a beer guy) laid the
truth rain hard and without mercy

Oh Kitten you are dreadful 😅

So Pete, I bet you wish you'd never started this thread but maybe you have gained something from it, that we women as we grow older gain experience, it looks like your girl has grown up but you have not.

Basically you're not an adult yet, You're just a tall child, holding a beer, having a conversation you don't understand.

Would you date an 18 year old now?

Because you're still 4 years younger than he was when he dated 18 year old you.

And most women your age would be grossed out at the thought of being with an 18 year old.

If you are one of them, surely you can look back with 30 something eyes and see how any 37 year old man choosing to date and shag an 18 year old is at least on some level predatory and taking advantage of the power imbalance caused by the age difference.

I see you have had a kicking so won't go there. Bottom line is no one can be forced to love another, and usually once the love has gone it very rarely returns no matter what either side do. The hurt is too much, the trust has gone, the resentments are too big.

If you truly love her then let her go. Be kind in the divorce settlement and co -parent properly. The best you can hope for is a little respect from your ex wife and child. Otherwise you will lose the child too.

If you are one of them, surely you can look back with 30 something eyes and see how any 37 year old man choosing to date and shag an 18 year old is at least on some level predatory and taking advantage of the power imbalance caused by the age difference.

This.

my hubby and me are very happy, I met him when I was 18 and him 37, not ideal I agree but it is what it is. 15 years later, married with two kids and still extremely smitten with eachother
Meh. It's not like you'd know the difference, is it? That's precisely why they target teenagers. They can be moulded just the way they like all the time thinking how 'lucky' that someone so grown up wants them.
Unfortunately for the predatory partner, sometimes they grow up and get wise which is clearly what's happened here.