Wife devastated me, has 'fell out of love'

[Pete76]

Hi all,

Still a bit fresh for me, so excuse me if any of this is incoherent!

Last night my wife admitted to me she isn't in love with me any more, we've been together nearly 14 years, married 9 and have an awesome 7s

I'll try and keep the back story consice, but if anyone needs to know anything, lemme know.

I'm 45, she's 32, we talked long and hard about if the gap was too big, but when we started going out, we both felt like it was absolutely the right thing to do.

We moved in together in 2009 after 9 months and were very much in love for years, got married 2013 just after I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds. After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house. Honestly I was always tired, like always. Turns out it was a side effect of the meds, but I didn't realise at the time.

Also (and no disrespect to my parents) I was brought up with the mum doing the housework, and the dad working to provide. Looking back, that was shortsighted of me, but that was all I knew and I thought that was normal.

I knew she wanted kids, I had an 11s from a previous relationship, but thought being able to look forward to having a baby would change me for the better (she hadn't told me, but she was hoping the same)

It didn't and I hated myself for it, she was overwhelmed with new ds (b2015) and I was either tired, or working (cos from my childhood, I thought that was normal)

This is where her resentment started, but she didn't let me know, so I thought everything was fine.

Fast forward to 2019 and she tells me she's isn't in love anymore and just kept quiet for an 'easy life', brought up my lack of housework and early parenting effort. this was a Massive shock to me at the time. I felt deceived and didn't realise she'd been holding it all in.

We agreed she used to love me, and we'd do all we could to see if that could be rekindled. For my part, I went to docs and got put on different meds, which honestly gave me a new lease of life and made me more like I used to be, spent amazing time with ds, did house chores, wasn't tired any more!

She agreed not to keep her feelings from me and be open about what we needed to do to make it work. To see if she could fall in love again and I could learn to trust her after her closing off to me.

We decided on a fresh start, clean slate, learn from mistakes.

Went on date nights, out as a family, all seemed great and she told me she loved me again.

Then last night, she said I don't love you any more.

She'd been holding it all in again after I tried so hard to make her feel appreciated, loved etc.

It wasn't anything I'd done recently, it was the same issue from years ago. I feel like I'm trying so hard, but she is holding on to the past. She understands I was in a difficult place back then, and I know she was too.

I've agreed to move out to my mums for a few weeks to give her space, but honestly, I'm totally broken, I love her so deeply, and I know she has felt the same in the past.

Can we fix this?
Sorry for the megalong post

I'm not buying any of this shit.

I've been depressed, very...I still managed to get up and look after my children and do the chores. In fact I would be scrubbing the kitchen at 1am because I didn't want my children living in a pit. So that's bollocks.
My ex DH didn't grow up with his mother doing all the housework but thought the burden of that and the childcare should fall to me, even when I was working full time.
He also proclaimed to have done nothing wrong when I divorced him too.
Listen to what she says. You abandoned her when she wanted to be a team and needed you. You showed her who you were. You wasted that chance. Just try and be a decent Co-parent.

So when you were in your thirties you started a relationship with a teenager , she had your child, you took her for granted, were lazy around the house and didn't bother enough with your kid, and now you're gutted because she's wised up to who you are and is leaving you. Serves you right tbh. Your attempts to blame her for " keeping it all in" just make you worse. Shit behaviour is shit behaviour, I think you always knew that.

You blew it big time. Let's hope her next relationship makes her truly happy and that you've learned major lessons so your next partner doesn't suffer the same fate. Also 18 and 31 is pretty questionable. I'm in my 30s and my 19 and 20 year old cousins are like a different species to me. I can't imagine dating someone that age, it's just...ick. There was an inbuilt power imbalance that rather than being careful to redress it sounds like you took full advantage.

Please just respect her wishes. She has evidently thought an awful lot about this over a long time before telling you.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

How old is your DS now? Can't quite tell when he was 11 from your OP. Is there a closer age gap between her and him?

Not that it really matters but I'm just being nosey. How comfortable would you be him having a gf with a 13 year age gap

What we had in the past was amazing.

For you. You had sex on tap and a live in skivvy. You've know for years and years exactly what was wrong in your relationship but really couldn't be bothered. You're only shocked because she's finally come into her own and she isn't going to tolerate this shit any longer.

So you did your own housework before she moved in... then stopped when she moved in because in your own words you were unwell and also:

I was brought up with the mum doing the housework, and the dad working to provide.

So it wasn't just your mental health.

You literally said that it was due in part to believing that women do the housework.

Despite apparently being perfectly capable of doing it in the past therefore understanding the burden of one partner doing it all.

Let alone with a baby to look after without much help, again by your own admission.

Ahh, starting to show your true colours.

Please listen to what she wants and let her go. Focus on co parenting your DS.

I'm not sate people aren't understanding? It wasn't the meds, it was the side effects of the wrong meds, extreme lethargy, insomnia, dizziness, nausea.

I realise I was in the wrong, but having anxiety and depression along with those side effects made it incredibly hard to do anything. I wnet to work, only as I thought that was the best way to support them. At the time, it was either that, or quit the job to spend whan little energy I had with my family.

I'm not saying I was totally without blame, but there were things that felt beyond my control

So how many years did you live with those debilitating side effects and not realise that there was a problem whilst also holding down a full time job and somehow not being fired despite all that?

And to answer your question - you can’t fix this.

You can work on yourself though, get yourself some therapy/someone to talk to, to help you get through this and find your future happiness (which is not with your DW).

she tried by doing nothing, not communicating her feelings and hoping it would be okay in the end

Imagine being a 30 year old man and shagging a teenager, moving them in, allowing (expecting by his own admission) them to do the housework and parenting, not changing when you were asked to (probably begged to) a number of times over the years and having the audacity to say the above.

"Doing nothing, not communicating her feelings"

She did everything for years and she actively told you she was unhappy re housework and parenting a number of times. You didn't listen until it was too late.

Fuck me, this woman deserves her new life and bright future.

About 3 or 4, I tried therapy, first blood tests were inconclusive.

And in response to another poster, her uncle is 2 years younger than she is, neither of us saw a problem with the gap, no one in both families did

Yes but ALL of it was beyond your wife’s control. Only you could do something about the situation you put her in and you didn’t do anything.

When she said to you about the housework you didn’t go - these meds aren’t agreeing with me, I should try something else out. When you’re put on anti depressants it’s generally made clear that if the side effects are continuing then try another drug. I was lucky that the first one I tried worked for me but I told my DH I was going to start taking them and asked him to let me know if anything felt wrong that I may not notice. If was taking them and realised I felt as bad as you did I’d have gone back to the dr - not continue on them

Everything has a 'but' with you.

Do you know how exhausting it is to be with someone who always has a 'but' after every sorry?

Really, really fucking exhausting.

She was 19. She didn't know any different or any better than doing what the men in her life wanted.

She's now early 30s. She does know different. And she wants different.

Good for her. If you loved her, you'd walk away like you should have when she was a teenager.

Coparent your children and teach them that a women's place isn't doing as they're told / doing what a man wants. Start with this. She doesn't want to do what you want her to. It's over.

I'm sorry to pile on too, Pete, but your attitude of it not being your fault seeps through in everything you write. Even your title - wife devastated me - you're putting the blame on her.

Its hard to hear you're still in the wrong when you've put some effort in. Perhaps work on yourself to start taking responsibility and ownership for your actions and relationships.

I think people are trying you make YOU understand that those side effects did the damage. Damage to her.

Theres been plenty of time pass for any successful repairs to happen. They haven’t been successful. Time to let go and move on.

Also apart from date nights and family days out what else do you do?

She goes out with friends, I do the same, we chill and watch netflix. The usual, fairly low income so we haven't had a holiday for a couple of years.

No I mean the split of responsibilities

neither of us saw a problem with the gap, no one in both families did

You were 32 mate. You should have seen the problem with having sex with a teenager. Tell your friends and family. It's not on.

As I was at work, I handled dishes, cleaning bathroom, washing machine, rubbish, fixing things. She did most of the cooking as I was usually still at work when she wanted to eat, and most of the cleaning

You may now be a better person but she doesn't owe you anything. You are not entitled to her love.

I'm sure it's very raw right now but the sooner you reach a place of acceptance the better. It's not a case of you putting effort to fix this and she didn't, she fell out of love with you and it can't come back. You could be the best man in the world now, that does not mean she has to or in fact can fall back in love with you.

Accept it is over and go forward as co-parents.