Wife devastated me, has 'fell out of love'

[Pete76]

Hi all,

Still a bit fresh for me, so excuse me if any of this is incoherent!

Last night my wife admitted to me she isn't in love with me any more, we've been together nearly 14 years, married 9 and have an awesome 7s

I'll try and keep the back story consice, but if anyone needs to know anything, lemme know.

I'm 45, she's 32, we talked long and hard about if the gap was too big, but when we started going out, we both felt like it was absolutely the right thing to do.

We moved in together in 2009 after 9 months and were very much in love for years, got married 2013 just after I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds. After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house. Honestly I was always tired, like always. Turns out it was a side effect of the meds, but I didn't realise at the time.

Also (and no disrespect to my parents) I was brought up with the mum doing the housework, and the dad working to provide. Looking back, that was shortsighted of me, but that was all I knew and I thought that was normal.

I knew she wanted kids, I had an 11s from a previous relationship, but thought being able to look forward to having a baby would change me for the better (she hadn't told me, but she was hoping the same)

It didn't and I hated myself for it, she was overwhelmed with new ds (b2015) and I was either tired, or working (cos from my childhood, I thought that was normal)

This is where her resentment started, but she didn't let me know, so I thought everything was fine.

Fast forward to 2019 and she tells me she's isn't in love anymore and just kept quiet for an 'easy life', brought up my lack of housework and early parenting effort. this was a Massive shock to me at the time. I felt deceived and didn't realise she'd been holding it all in.

We agreed she used to love me, and we'd do all we could to see if that could be rekindled. For my part, I went to docs and got put on different meds, which honestly gave me a new lease of life and made me more like I used to be, spent amazing time with ds, did house chores, wasn't tired any more!

She agreed not to keep her feelings from me and be open about what we needed to do to make it work. To see if she could fall in love again and I could learn to trust her after her closing off to me.

We decided on a fresh start, clean slate, learn from mistakes.

Went on date nights, out as a family, all seemed great and she told me she loved me again.

Then last night, she said I don't love you any more.

She'd been holding it all in again after I tried so hard to make her feel appreciated, loved etc.

It wasn't anything I'd done recently, it was the same issue from years ago. I feel like I'm trying so hard, but she is holding on to the past. She understands I was in a difficult place back then, and I know she was too.

I've agreed to move out to my mums for a few weeks to give her space, but honestly, I'm totally broken, I love her so deeply, and I know she has felt the same in the past.

Can we fix this?
Sorry for the megalong post

We moved in together in 2009 after 9 months and were very much in love for years, got married 2013 just after I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds. After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house.

Then you say...

Fast forward to 2019 and she tells me she's isn't in love anymore and just kept quiet for an 'easy life', brought up my lack of housework and early parenting effort. this was a Massive shock to me at the time. I felt deceived and didn't realise she'd been holding it all in.

You felt deceived because she made it very clear how she felt in 2013, then you in your own words didn't step up after that or after your son was born, then she said in 2019 that she had stopped asking you to contribute to the housework for a quiet life? Despite you not stepping up adequately in the six years between?

Not sure how 'woman finally tells man she's had enough when he spends six years not changing the thing she's told him needs to change' is a 'massive shock'.

She was 19 when you got together. You then expected her to take care of the home simply because she has a vagina.

The power dynamic has always been off until 2019 when she told you she didn't love you and had resented your lack of effort, fuelled in part by your sexism.

I think the 'massive shock' was actually that someone who previously played the role of the subservient / vulnerable woman changed to the role of the independent adult woman who doesn't want to do what you think she should.

It has probably taken her a long time to realise the power dynamic was so inappropriate at the start so while it seemed sudden to you, it will have taken her years to dismantle what she's effectively been told all her adult life (and by the sounds of it her teen years as a career) which is that it's a woman's role to do the cooking, cleaning, childcare all with a smile on their face and not complain.

Thank you, she was a very mature 19, having had to look after her dad in her early teens, she said to me she also just thought 'that's what life is'

I cannot imagine being 30 and meeting a 19 year old who has already spent years as a teen carer, who grew up with an abusive parent, and thinking yes, I'll move her in so she can care for another man. I can't imagine being with a 19 year old at that age full stop but to have done so with one in her already vulnerable position is so awful.

You've taken zero personal responsibility on here for your behaviour towards her in general. I've been with someone like that and it's absolutely fucking exhausting. I can see why she gave up arguing and just got on with it. Someone never taking responsibility is soul destroying and the more exhausted you are (in her case from doing almost all the housework and childcare) the less you want to fight your corner. It's a way that lazy people subtly bully other people into compliance. They make you give up.

It's all someone else's fault / due to you not realising in 2009 (?!) that it's not acceptable for a man to do what he fancies around the house, if he can be arsed, while a woman bears the load. You don't need to have a vagina to wash dishes and I'm sure your penis isn't so massive you need to sling it over your arm to operate a hover.

You've been complacent, perpetuated sexist roles and chosen to be with someone much younger with a power dynamic that was off from day one. And what's happened is a consequence of all that.

At least respect her enough to respect her decision and not pressure her.

Nothing more unattractive than a man who needs project managing to do household chores equally where the woman is responsible for communicating her needs/ taking on the mental load so he can say “but you never told me to wash the floor”. Yuck. Let her go.

Look Pete. You never went to try new meds when you wife was telling you that you were leaving all the work to her. You could have, if you had cared that she was carrying your load as well as hers.
You only sought a solution when you were going to be impacted by her leaving.

Claiming it was a shock that she resented your lack of parenting and domestic work is unconvincing. You knew you weren’t doing this. Did you seriously think she enjoyed doing your drudgery as well as hers? Even though she previously told you she didn’t?
To take it further and shift blame onto her for ‘deceiving’ you, is despicable. The only person being deceived is you, by yourself.

Its blindingly obvious why she fell out of love with you. Accept it. Move on with your life like she thankfully and finally is.

Tbh I'm more fixated on a 31 year old man meeting an 18/19 year old who had already been a young carer, from an abusive home, having the lack of morals to start shagging the 18/19 year old, move her in and allow her (expect them in your case) to take care of him.

It's icky as fuck mate.

Have you actually acknowledged your part in this OP or do you just go “it was my upbringing, it was my meds, it’s not my fault, you haven’t made enough effort”.

have you actually said to her how sorry you are that you left her to shoulder all the responsibility, that you appreciate everything she did, that you regret it deeply?

I reckon you haven’t because actually you don’t think you did that much wrong…because reasons.

i hope she gets the freedom she desperately needs and she can figure out who she is and what she wants. It’s probably not going to be you and by the looks of it nobody would blame her.

And if you actually love and respect her, stop expecting any reunion and focus on co parenting.

She spent her last teen years and her 20s carrying you. You spent the bulk of those years choosing not to change.

She has the chance to start again and meet someone who sees her and treats her as an equal teammate from day one. She could even have more kids if she wanted, with someone who will again be present and contribute equally during her pregnancy, the baby years and beyond.

Stop holding her back from being in a relationship like that. It's incredibly selfish.

Everyone is fixating on my lazing around doing nothing, that is NOT the person I am, I was mentally going thru hell at the time, and as much as I wanted to be there for her, I couldn't.

So was she, otherwise she wouldn't resent you for it. But your post is still all about you.

She REALLY deserves to be free of you. I'm delighted for her.

This 100 times over!

There were only 7 years between your DC and your wife? Ugh.

Of course I've acknowledged my part in this, I musve been hell to live with, I've apologised profusely and said it was totally unacceptable.

I didn't immediately change to different meds because at the time neither of us realised that could've been the underlying cause, there isn't an excuse for how I was, I can't change the past, believe me I wish I could.

I wasn't manipulative, didn't even realise about her upbringing until 3 years ago.

Who did your household chores up to the age of 31? Did you go from another relationship to her?@

I think you may need to respect your wife's decision. I can't help think she has reached adulthood (often thought to be late 20s) and now knows what she wants. I had a similar wakeup at that age and left a relationship that wasn't right for me.

It maybe painful but you can both have an amicable parenting relationship.

Give her space that's all you can do if it's meant to be then you will find eachother again. It's not so much an age gap thing but you started dating her when she was a teenager, she has gone through her twenties with you and now in her 30s . People change so much in their lives but the difference between a teenager and a 30 something year old woman are two different people. She changed. You had already been through those changed when you started dating, your changing isn't so much it's more improving who you are but for her she's spent all her adult life with you and changed. You had an adult life before her, remember that. I'm sorry your so upset and it is heartbreaking but like I said all you can do is give her space and see

I honestly think she's woke up to the fact you took advantage of a vulnerable teenager.

You need to let her go. She has outgrown you and the relationship, she has told you clear as day she no longer loves you and doesn’t want the relationship, and now you need to respect it and both of you move on with as much good feeling as you can salvage. I’m sure you’re sad about it, but you’ve tried, and it hasn’t solved the problem.

The good news is you have obviously learned a lot from this relationship, so you leave it a better person than you entered it.

Who did your household chores up to the age of 31? Did you go from another relationship to her

I'm curious to know this too.

Also if he has always been with women who are much younger but 'mature for their age'.

Yes @Vikrum 👏👏👏

Honestly just nauseating. Leave the woman alone. Good on her.

It's not like I'm stopping her doing anything, if she wants to leave, that's up to her.

I'm giving space by moving out as she has asked, I would NEVER try and force her into staying. She doesn't want to judge me for the person I was, she has said she wants to feel in love again but the pent up resentment is a hurdle.

Thankyou for your comment, I'm more than aware people change as they grow older, I have too. What we had in the past was amazing.

She's a 32 year old woman, who can make her own mind up about her future.

Protect yourself OP. You'll get no sympathy on here. You worked to pay the bills and you were ill. Tough - you should have still done all the housework. (Thems the rules on MN).
See a good lawyer because although I know you love her and want her back - she's not interested. The sooner you accept this and get on with the practicalities the better.

You need to protect your income and your assets and put things in place, (a proper home for you and your children - otherwise you'll end up living with your mum and seeing the kids on wet Saturday afternoons somewhere neutral.) If these means two small homes so be it. (Don't allow her to have the "family home" and you live with your mother. You have another DS who'll need a home too so you need a family home too)
Put money into your pension - you'll need that. Get a good support network around you to help with the kids.

Good luck OP - and sorry it didn't work out.

@Pete76 you would have done your fair share in the house if you had had other meds? I mean come on...

Let the poor woman go. She's been miserable for years.

Believe it or not, before I got wrongly medicated for a mental illness I had no control over, I was a capable human being

You worked to pay the bills and you were ill

And miraculously found a cure when he was about to lose his live in maid, cook and childcare. Ain't that something!

Sorry I don't buy this at all.

It's not like I'm stopping her doing anything, if she wants to leave, that's up to her.

And mostly down to you.

She's a 32 year old woman, who can make her own mind up about her future.

And she has.

And I agree with sunne - both parties should get what is fair. Just don’t make that process hate filled - she sounds as though she has had enough of a struggle over the years.

Yes, I went to the doctors, had blood tests etc when my wife properly opened up to me, and we were trying everything to rescue a relationship that we both wanted to work