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Original poster

Wife devastated me, has 'fell out of love'

202 replies

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 17:24

Hi all,

Still a bit fresh for me, so excuse me if any of this is incoherent!

Last night my wife admitted to me she isn't in love with me any more, we've been together nearly 14 years, married 9 and have an awesome 7s

I'll try and keep the back story consice, but if anyone needs to know anything, lemme know.

I'm 45, she's 32, we talked long and hard about if the gap was too big, but when we started going out, we both felt like it was absolutely the right thing to do.

We moved in together in 2009 after 9 months and were very much in love for years, got married 2013 just after I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds. After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house. Honestly I was always tired, like always. Turns out it was a side effect of the meds, but I didn't realise at the time.

Also (and no disrespect to my parents) I was brought up with the mum doing the housework, and the dad working to provide. Looking back, that was shortsighted of me, but that was all I knew and I thought that was normal.

I knew she wanted kids, I had an 11s from a previous relationship, but thought being able to look forward to having a baby would change me for the better (she hadn't told me, but she was hoping the same)

It didn't and I hated myself for it, she was overwhelmed with new ds (b2015) and I was either tired, or working (cos from my childhood, I thought that was normal)

This is where her resentment started, but she didn't let me know, so I thought everything was fine.

Fast forward to 2019 and she tells me she's isn't in love anymore and just kept quiet for an 'easy life', brought up my lack of housework and early parenting effort. this was a Massive shock to me at the time. I felt deceived and didn't realise she'd been holding it all in.

We agreed she used to love me, and we'd do all we could to see if that could be rekindled. For my part, I went to docs and got put on different meds, which honestly gave me a new lease of life and made me more like I used to be, spent amazing time with ds, did house chores, wasn't tired any more!

She agreed not to keep her feelings from me and be open about what we needed to do to make it work. To see if she could fall in love again and I could learn to trust her after her closing off to me.

We decided on a fresh start, clean slate, learn from mistakes.

Went on date nights, out as a family, all seemed great and she told me she loved me again.

Then last night, she said I don't love you any more.

She'd been holding it all in again after I tried so hard to make her feel appreciated, loved etc.

It wasn't anything I'd done recently, it was the same issue from years ago. I feel like I'm trying so hard, but she is holding on to the past. She understands I was in a difficult place back then, and I know she was too.

I've agreed to move out to my mums for a few weeks to give her space, but honestly, I'm totally broken, I love her so deeply, and I know she has felt the same in the past.

Can we fix this?
Sorry for the megalong post

OP posts:
Ydkiml · 17/10/2022 18:10

I wrote my above response after reading your first post only . Since then I have read your other responses and it sounds like you do like to blame your meds a lot . It’s an excuse . Stop blaming them when moving forward

Original poster
Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:11

Discovereads · 17/10/2022 18:06

Sorry but 19 isn’t a child. A 13yr age gap is on the large side but not anything remotely like a crime. Saying such things minimises actual crimes of adult men with underage girls.

Show quote history

Thank you, she was a very mature 19, having had to look after her dad in her early teens, she said to me she also just thought 'that's what life is'

We weren't engaged for 2 years, we took it slow because of the gap. We only moved in together as she was basically staying over every night anyway.

OP posts:
FreshlyLaunderedSheets · 17/10/2022 18:11

Who took care of your older DS when he visited?

Original poster
Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:17

FreshlyLaunderedSheets · 17/10/2022 18:11

Who took care of your older DS when he visited?

We both did tbh, they have always thought the world of each other.

I do take personal responsibility, believe me, but it's hard to change if your brain is telling you everything is okay.

I'm not 'blaming' meds, her lack of communication etc, I'm just saying that was a totally different me, I was, before 2013 caring, responsible, and i am also that now.

My mental wellbeing at the time, isn't an excuse, it's a reason.

OP posts:
UnfairAdvantage · 17/10/2022 18:17

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:11

Thank you, she was a very mature 19, having had to look after her dad in her early teens, she said to me she also just thought 'that's what life is'

We weren't engaged for 2 years, we took it slow because of the gap. We only moved in together as she was basically staying over every night anyway.

Show quote history

She was a child carer with associated emotional vulnerability. She accepted “that’s just what life is” because she didn’t get the opportunity to be a care-free teenager/young adult, all she’d known is picking up after and attending to the needs of other people.

And you probably took it slow, employing the “boiled frog” method to those people around you who might otherwise have raised eyebrows at you suddenly deciding to set up home with a vulnerable teenager.

I hope she’s good and strong and ready to live her life now and deal with her past. She deserves some time to be selfish and think about who she really is and what she really wants.

Sikaris · 17/10/2022 18:22

Those are a lot of excuses and not you taking responsibility for being an unequal partner.

She's young enough to be able to experience having a proper family life. Don't take that away from her. You say that you love her, give her the chance to be happy then.

Icanflyhigh · 17/10/2022 18:23

All I'm seeing is excuses....

Your meds, you didn't realise life had changed so fundamentally since you were a child blah blah.

You also mention she used to care for her dad, now presuming her father passed away, did you just fill that gap and let her care for you too?

I had a husband like you once, expected dinner on the table at X time, women do the cleaning and bring up the kids. In essence he was a lazy shite who wanted a mother figure he could fuck once in a while without having to make too much effort.

After reading your OP I was almost feeling sorry for you, but the excuses you have made shattered that sympathy and if she hasn't already, then I hope she soon does have a man who treats her equally and respects her. Not someone who treats her as a fuckable nanny/housekeeper/cook.0

What about your older DS? Did you just stop seeing him when the new baby came?

billy1966 · 17/10/2022 18:26

Vikrum · 17/10/2022 18:02

Pete, unless you walked around with your eyes shut for 40 odd years, you would know damn well that the world had changed, you just preferred her to do all the donkey work because it's boring and hard and nobody likes it, so you put yourself above it. Admit your failings to yourself rather than trying to palm them off as your parents failure to raise you properly. You're not stupid. You're not blind. You knew you were opting out of something more difficult and leaving it up to her, anxiety or not. And now it's bitten you squarely in the bollocks and you still can't accept that you're 100% responsible for the choices you made not to be a 50/50 adult and parent in your own household. She has fallen out of love with you because you're basically a giant man child and she'd tired of the drudgery of having to carry your lazy, disrespectful arse about and at 32, she's wondering if she's perhaps wasted some of the best years of her life on hoping you'd start to give a damn about her experiences and her enjoyment. But no. It's all been about you and how easy the ride is. I bet you only ever noticed when she didn't do something, but never appreciated or thanked her for the things she did. Of course you didn't, because your parents didn't teach you how to appreciate anyone else, right? And you've had absolutely zero contact with the outside world or modern society to correct that. 🙄

Mate. She doesn't love you because you have behaved in a fundementally unloveable way for the last three years after she TOLD you what she didn't love and for at least seven years after you SAW she was struggling horribly under the weight of all of your expectations and laziness.

At 18, would you have put up with a woman in her 30s, expecting you to do absolutely everything and taking no accountability? In your 20s? In your 30s? No, the fuck you would not.

Let her go and find someone who will appreciate her and support her, because you've had 14 years to be that man, and you are definitely not him.

I agree.

Was she also looking after YOUR 11 year old son too?
I presume so.

God help her.

Little more than a child walked into another caring role after looking after her father.

The best you can do is co parent well with this poor woman.

It sounds like she has had a very tough life, doing it all from such a young age.

ArcaneWireless · 17/10/2022 18:26

She doesn’t want space. She wants freedom.

Lemme, tldr, 50s housewife carry on and issues combined have my inner Nan twitching.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/10/2022 18:28

Sorry @Pete76 but I'm afraid you let your DW down. You let her do the housework and look after your DS and she started to feel used and unhappy, she was only a very young woman who should have been out having fun with you and her friends, not at home picking up all the things you felt too tired to do.
Yes, I understand you've changed now, and well done for that, but sometimes it's too little, too late, nothing kills a women's love off quicker than all the resentment that built up when she was doing everything. She's tried and it's not working so do the decent thing by her and accept she wants to seperate.
And I bet she did try to tell you she was unhappy, you just didn't want to hear it

BryceQuinlan · 17/10/2022 18:29

Good for her!

Longerthanfiveweeks · 17/10/2022 18:29

I'm not saying it was right, far from it, I'm saying when I realised the issue, I put my all into changing for the better, and did. I do as much as I possibly can since I changed meds

You only realised it was an issue, when it became an issue for you because you were going to lose your wife. You were not hearing her before that when she was telling you it was an issue for her. When she was the only one affected, you did not listen.

From her perspective, it seems likely this attitude has permeated the entire relationship.

At the end of the day, she has tried to make it work, it hasn't for her. You have to accept this. If you can understand and accept how your behaviour has destroyed your relationship, you are less likely to repeat this in a future relationship. Try to take this as a learning curve, albeit a tough one.

Original poster
Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:30

Icanflyhigh · 17/10/2022 18:23

All I'm seeing is excuses....

Your meds, you didn't realise life had changed so fundamentally since you were a child blah blah.

You also mention she used to care for her dad, now presuming her father passed away, did you just fill that gap and let her care for you too?

I had a husband like you once, expected dinner on the table at X time, women do the cleaning and bring up the kids. In essence he was a lazy shite who wanted a mother figure he could fuck once in a while without having to make too much effort.

After reading your OP I was almost feeling sorry for you, but the excuses you have made shattered that sympathy and if she hasn't already, then I hope she soon does have a man who treats her equally and respects her. Not someone who treats her as a fuckable nanny/housekeeper/cook.0

What about your older DS? Did you just stop seeing him when the new baby came?

I was only 'that person' for a limited amount of time, it in no way reflects my previous or current attitude. Yes, her chat with me in 2019 woke me up, and she also agrees I wasn't totally 'with it' at the time, but neither of us put 2 and 2 together.

She said she learnt to cover her feelings as her dad was abusive towards her mum, and he's still alive, but she doesn't want any contact with him now she realised what he was doing.

My childhood affected me, hers affected hers, I tried to change (and I'm told succeeded, even coworkers noticed the difference), but she finds it hard to open up, which I understand totally

OP posts:
Original poster
Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:32

And she says she's tried, but I tried by actively changing my outlook, she tried by doing nothing, not communicating her feelings and hoping it would be okay in the end

OP posts:
IckyPop · 17/10/2022 18:33

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 17:43

Honestly, that's the image I grew up with as a child. I would totally have done chores and been more of an equal had I had the right meds/no anxiety from the start.

The fact she didn't let me know how she was truly feeling didn't really precipitate a change in me.

I'm not saying it was right, far from it, I'm saying when I realised the issue, I put my all into changing for the better, and did. I do as much as I possibly can since I changed meds

That's the image I grew up with too (same age as you as well).
The difference is I could see the imbalance from a relatively early age and vowed never to have a home life like that as an adult.
And yes, I'm a woman. Funny how different our perspectives are 🙄

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2022 18:34

She said she learnt to cover her feelings as her dad was abusive towards her mum

So she sought a father figure. Rather than counselling, which is what she actually needed. Unfortunately you didn't have the insight to see that and support the girl you 'love' to work her issues out. Rather, you married her to skivvy for you.

The whole thing is wildly unhealthy and I'm glad she's coming out of it. Tell her all the very best from me.

millymog11 · 17/10/2022 18:35

So just so I got this right, you were 31 years old and she was 18 when you got together.
Presumably the 11 year old from your previous relationship you mention already existed when you were 31 and your now wife was 18 years old?

IckyPop · 17/10/2022 18:35

Bestcatmum · 17/10/2022 17:54

Sorry but women including myself are sick of doing it all while the man of the house does nothing. It's easier to just leave.
I've taken anti anxiety meds for years. It doesn't stop me working and doing stuff round the house.
I hope this will be a wake up call for you.

^ And this. Same here.
FFS OP

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/10/2022 18:36

I will say I also grew up in that situ and it made me more determined I wouldn't marry a man who would expect me to do all the housework, serve cups of tea etc. don't get me wrong my dad was a lovely dad but I wasn't being anyones 'housewife'. If she's made the decision you have to respect that

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/10/2022 18:37

Also having anxiety does not mean your wife does all the chores. I have anxiety and that's bullshit

ArcaneWireless · 17/10/2022 18:38

So you did all the trying and she did nothing?

Like she did everything to keep everything ticking as expected of her and you did nothing?

Aye.

IckyPop · 17/10/2022 18:38

Vikrum · 17/10/2022 18:02

Pete, unless you walked around with your eyes shut for 40 odd years, you would know damn well that the world had changed, you just preferred her to do all the donkey work because it's boring and hard and nobody likes it, so you put yourself above it. Admit your failings to yourself rather than trying to palm them off as your parents failure to raise you properly. You're not stupid. You're not blind. You knew you were opting out of something more difficult and leaving it up to her, anxiety or not. And now it's bitten you squarely in the bollocks and you still can't accept that you're 100% responsible for the choices you made not to be a 50/50 adult and parent in your own household. She has fallen out of love with you because you're basically a giant man child and she'd tired of the drudgery of having to carry your lazy, disrespectful arse about and at 32, she's wondering if she's perhaps wasted some of the best years of her life on hoping you'd start to give a damn about her experiences and her enjoyment. But no. It's all been about you and how easy the ride is. I bet you only ever noticed when she didn't do something, but never appreciated or thanked her for the things she did. Of course you didn't, because your parents didn't teach you how to appreciate anyone else, right? And you've had absolutely zero contact with the outside world or modern society to correct that. 🙄

Mate. She doesn't love you because you have behaved in a fundementally unloveable way for the last three years after she TOLD you what she didn't love and for at least seven years after you SAW she was struggling horribly under the weight of all of your expectations and laziness.

At 18, would you have put up with a woman in her 30s, expecting you to do absolutely everything and taking no accountability? In your 20s? In your 30s? No, the fuck you would not.

Let her go and find someone who will appreciate her and support her, because you've had 14 years to be that man, and you are definitely not him.

^ and this with bells on. Perfectly put

Hoppinggreen · 17/10/2022 18:38

Too little too late I’m afraid

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/10/2022 18:39

Prisonbreak · 17/10/2022 17:59

Stop using how you were raised as an excuse to be lazy. By using your logic, I should be a raging alcoholic junkie because that’s all I knew. I had a choice to do better, and so did you.

This with bells on

WaddleAway · 17/10/2022 18:40

The fact is, she’s told you that she doesn’t love you any more. What choice do you have except to believe her, walk away and put your all into co-parenting? You can’t make her love you.

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