Page 6 | Wife devastated me, has 'fell out of love'

Pete76 · 2022-10-17T16:24:54+00:00

Hi all, Still a bit fresh for me, so excuse me if any of this is incoherent! Last night my wife admitted to me she isn't in love with me any more, we've been together nearly 14 years, married 9 and have an awesome 7s I'll try and keep the back story consice, but if anyone needs to know anything, lemme know. I'm 45, she's 32, we talked long and hard about if the gap was too big, but when we started going out, we both felt like it was absolutely the right thing to do. We moved in together in 2009 after 9 months and were very much in love for years, got married 2013 just after I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds. After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house. Honestly I was always tired, like always. Turns out it was a side effect of the meds, but I didn't realise at the time. Also (and no disrespect to my parents) I was brought up with the mum doing the housework, and the dad working to provide. Looking back, that was shortsighted of me, but that was all I knew and I thought that was normal. I knew she wanted kids, I had an 11s from a previous relationship, but thought being able to look forward to having a baby would change me for the better (she hadn't told me, but she was hoping the same) It didn't and I hated myself for it, she was overwhelmed with new ds (b2015) and I was either tired, or working (cos from my childhood, I thought that was normal) This is where her resentment started, but she didn't let me know, so I thought everything was fine. Fast forward to 2019 and she tells me she's isn't in love anymore and just kept quiet for an 'easy life', brought up my lack of housework and early parenting effort. this was a Massive shock to me at the time. I felt deceived and didn't realise she'd been holding it all in. We agreed she used to love me, and we'd do all we could to see if that could be rekindled. For my part, I went to docs and got put on different meds, which honestly gave me a new lease of life and made me more like I used to be, spent amazing time with ds, did house chores, wasn't tired any more! She agreed not to keep her feelings from me and be open about what we needed to do to make it work. To see if she could fall in love again and I could learn to trust her after her closing off to me. We decided on a fresh start, clean slate, learn from mistakes. Went on date nights, out as a family, all seemed great and she told me she loved me again. Then last night, she said I don't love you any more. She'd been holding it all in again after I tried so hard to make her feel appreciated, loved etc. It wasn't anything I'd done recently, it was the same issue from years ago. I feel like I'm trying so hard, but she is holding on to the past. She understands I was in a difficult place back then, and I know she was too. I've agreed to move out to my mums for a few weeks to give her space, but honestly, I'm totally broken, I love her so deeply, and I know she has felt the same in the past. Can we fix this? Sorry for the megalong post

monsteramunch · 17/10/2022 20:26

Do you now honestly, hand on heart do 50% of the housework and parenting?

firstmummy2019 · 17/10/2022 20:26

Discovereads · 17/10/2022 18:03

Sigh. You can’t force love.
Youve made all the changes and grown into a better husband and father but love isn’t a case of if you do everything right, then your reward is the love of the woman you love. She can’t help how she feels. I think she really wanted to feel love for you again, and no doubt you’ve both been trying. But you cannot force it. She cannot feel what isn’t there for her.

I would be grateful for the chance she gave you to see if love would return on her part. There’s nothing more either of you can do. And at least this has set you up to be good co-parents- working together instead of being hostile. So I’d focus on your children and how to co-parent.

This!

Original poster

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 20:27

I think people are trying you make YOU understand that those side effects did the damage. Damage to her.

Theres been plenty of time pass for any successful repairs to happen. They haven’t been successful. Time to let go and move on.

I totally understand it hurt her, I'm not sure why anyone would have the opinion otherwise.

And like I said, she can choose to leave, or stay. I'm not trying to force her hand

OP posts:

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 17/10/2022 20:28

Gosh I really hope she gets away from you, poor woman what a waste of her life.

ElectedOnThursday · 17/10/2022 20:30

I’m really glad she’s had the courage to leave. Being married to you must have been miserable.

monsteramunch · 17/10/2022 20:31

I totally understand it hurt her, I'm not sure why anyone would have the opinion otherwise.

Because the title of the thread is that she has devastated you, because every wrong you acknowledge is in fact followed by a 'but' or blame shifting, because you don't even when looking back think that it was wrong to start sleeping with and move in a 19 year old when you were early 30s, to give a few reasons.

And because there's a difference between "I totally understand it hurt her" and "I totally understand I repeatedly hurt her".

Oh and because you had the audacity to say:

she tried by doing nothing, not communicating her feelings and hoping it would be okay in the end

ExtraJalapenos · 17/10/2022 20:32

Sorry this is happening to you OP

I'm going to be as objective as possible. Yes some guys, not all, do grow up with complacency when it comes to 'roles' within a marriage. I come from an ethnic minority background and it indeed just feels normal for ladies to be home makers and gents to be the breadwinners. Ovr time this has changed drastically for my particular culture and things are very even. At some point, in adulthood, certain people help you snap out of it. It sounds like you did kind of realise this and actively tried to make things better. Maybe a bit too late but nonetheless you did.

Problem is it sounds very much so that she fell out of love and never fell back in. Like she enjoyed fhe positivity and felt happy and seeing children happy it was just a good life for her once you started making the active effort. But she wasnt in love with you even though she said she was. I genuinely believe, others my not agree, that once its gone, its gone. I fell out of love with my exh and it didn't matter what he did, it was never going to come back. Its like being with a sibling. You can have fun times and live together. But thats it. There's no 'love of my life' type feelings that remain.

Give yourself some time. Just remember that your children are very important here. And every action you take, no matter how big or small, is always seen and imprinted in their lives. Everything is a lesson. They need to see and learn that true, healthy, reciprocated love exists.

Everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them as much they do. Your wife deserves that. As do you.

PrioritiseCalm · 17/10/2022 20:34

Jeeze 🙈

Original poster

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 20:35

monsteramunch · 17/10/2022 20:31

I totally understand it hurt her, I'm not sure why anyone would have the opinion otherwise.

Because the title of the thread is that she has devastated you, because every wrong you acknowledge is in fact followed by a 'but' or blame shifting, because you don't even when looking back think that it was wrong to start sleeping with and move in a 19 year old when you were early 30s, to give a few reasons.

And because there's a difference between "I totally understand it hurt her" and "I totally understand I repeatedly hurt her".

Oh and because you had the audacity to say:

she tried by doing nothing, not communicating her feelings and hoping it would be okay in the end

Which I believe is totally valid, I saw what I'd done wrong, we both agreed to start over, and she admits it's hard to get over resentment. Which I totally get. And obviously I'm devastated, we've been together over a decade.

I'm not trying to say I'm not in the wrong, we've had many happy years together, before and with ds. If she didn't want to make it work, she could've gone before now

OP posts:

PrioritiseCalm · 17/10/2022 20:35

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:32

And she says she's tried, but I tried by actively changing my outlook, she tried by doing nothing, not communicating her feelings and hoping it would be okay in the end

Stop blaming her!

Cats4life · 17/10/2022 20:35

You have blamed anxiety/depression, medications, your parents, her, her parents etc this is on YOU, nobody else. There are SOO many people on medication for a variety of mental health conditions and you just cant use them as an excuse to essentially abandon your wife.

I refuse to see how you didnt realise women are not domestic servants, you are telling me you have no friends, family, colleagues, tv shoes or movies, or any connections to this century showing you that women dont want to be domestic skivvys??? Seriously?

No you were quite happy with not changing yourself or attitude until she wanted to leave. You didnt love her as a person you loved the idea of a young woman to look after you (a young women who grew up with an abusive father and you got with when she was barely out of high school- nothing creepy there)

I would really love to hear her side of this because with all your excuses you honestly sound very manipulative

Original poster

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 20:37

ExtraJalapenos · 17/10/2022 20:32

Sorry this is happening to you OP

I'm going to be as objective as possible. Yes some guys, not all, do grow up with complacency when it comes to 'roles' within a marriage. I come from an ethnic minority background and it indeed just feels normal for ladies to be home makers and gents to be the breadwinners. Ovr time this has changed drastically for my particular culture and things are very even. At some point, in adulthood, certain people help you snap out of it. It sounds like you did kind of realise this and actively tried to make things better. Maybe a bit too late but nonetheless you did.

Problem is it sounds very much so that she fell out of love and never fell back in. Like she enjoyed fhe positivity and felt happy and seeing children happy it was just a good life for her once you started making the active effort. But she wasnt in love with you even though she said she was. I genuinely believe, others my not agree, that once its gone, its gone. I fell out of love with my exh and it didn't matter what he did, it was never going to come back. Its like being with a sibling. You can have fun times and live together. But thats it. There's no 'love of my life' type feelings that remain.

Give yourself some time. Just remember that your children are very important here. And every action you take, no matter how big or small, is always seen and imprinted in their lives. Everything is a lesson. They need to see and learn that true, healthy, reciprocated love exists.

Everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them as much they do. Your wife deserves that. As do you.

Absolutely hit the nail on the head. Thankyou so much

OP posts:

Cats4life · 17/10/2022 20:40

monsteramunch · 17/10/2022 19:14

We moved in together in 2009 after 9 months and were very much in love for years, got married 2013 just after I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds. After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house.

Then you say...

Fast forward to 2019 and she tells me she's isn't in love anymore and just kept quiet for an 'easy life', brought up my lack of housework and early parenting effort. this was a Massive shock to me at the time. I felt deceived and didn't realise she'd been holding it all in.

You felt deceived because she made it very clear how she felt in 2013, then you in your own words didn't step up after that or after your son was born, then she said in 2019 that she had stopped asking you to contribute to the housework for a quiet life? Despite you not stepping up adequately in the six years between?

Not sure how 'woman finally tells man she's had enough when he spends six years not changing the thing she's told him needs to change' is a 'massive shock'.

She was 19 when you got together. You then expected her to take care of the home simply because she has a vagina.

The power dynamic has always been off until 2019 when she told you she didn't love you and had resented your lack of effort, fuelled in part by your sexism.

I think the 'massive shock' was actually that someone who previously played the role of the subservient / vulnerable woman changed to the role of the independent adult woman who doesn't want to do what you think she should.

It has probably taken her a long time to realise the power dynamic was so inappropriate at the start so while it seemed sudden to you, it will have taken her years to dismantle what she's effectively been told all her adult life (and by the sounds of it her teen years as a career) which is that it's a woman's role to do the cooking, cleaning, childcare all with a smile on their face and not complain.

Thank you, she was a very mature 19, having had to look after her dad in her early teens, she said to me she also just thought 'that's what life is'

I cannot imagine being 30 and meeting a 19 year old who has already spent years as a teen carer, who grew up with an abusive parent, and thinking yes, I'll move her in so she can care for another man. I can't imagine being with a 19 year old at that age full stop but to have done so with one in her already vulnerable position is so awful.

You've taken zero personal responsibility on here for your behaviour towards her in general. I've been with someone like that and it's absolutely fucking exhausting. I can see why she gave up arguing and just got on with it. Someone never taking responsibility is soul destroying and the more exhausted you are (in her case from doing almost all the housework and childcare) the less you want to fight your corner. It's a way that lazy people subtly bully other people into compliance. They make you give up.

It's all someone else's fault / due to you not realising in 2009 (?!) that it's not acceptable for a man to do what he fancies around the house, if he can be arsed, while a woman bears the load. You don't need to have a vagina to wash dishes and I'm sure your penis isn't so massive you need to sling it over your arm to operate a hover.

You've been complacent, perpetuated sexist roles and chosen to be with someone much younger with a power dynamic that was off from day one. And what's happened is a consequence of all that.

At least respect her enough to respect her decision and not pressure her.

Totally this!

You have never and are still not taking any responsibility for anything!

Why does her vagina make you think all she wants is to bear children and being your maid- I genuinly thought men like this didnt exist in our age groups

monsteramunch · 17/10/2022 20:40

Absolutely hit the nail on the head. Thankyou so much

😂

137 posts and amazingly the one that paints you in the best light is the one that 'hit the nail on the head'.

What a shocker.

You still don't seem to genuinely understand why me and other posters think so badly of your behaviour.

A 30 year old man shagging a teenager, moving them in, allowing (expecting by his own admission) them to do the housework and parenting, not changing when you were asked to (probably begged to) a number of times over the years and having the audacity to say that you have tried while she:

she tried by doing nothing, not communicating her feelings and hoping it would be okay in the end

She did everything for years and she actively told you she was unhappy re housework and parenting a number of times. You didn't listen until it was too late.

Actions have consequences.

monsteramunch · 17/10/2022 20:43

Here's an example of why people believe you are unable to take responsibility OP. You said this:

After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house.

Instead of this:

"After we were married, I didn't do enough around the house which was obviously completely unfair."

Your focus is on positioning her as the aggressor and you as the victim. On her complaining, not on you not doing enough.

Can you see what a victim complex you have even when entirely in the wrong?

Original poster

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 20:45

Cats4life · 17/10/2022 20:35

You have blamed anxiety/depression, medications, your parents, her, her parents etc this is on YOU, nobody else. There are SOO many people on medication for a variety of mental health conditions and you just cant use them as an excuse to essentially abandon your wife.

I refuse to see how you didnt realise women are not domestic servants, you are telling me you have no friends, family, colleagues, tv shoes or movies, or any connections to this century showing you that women dont want to be domestic skivvys??? Seriously?

No you were quite happy with not changing yourself or attitude until she wanted to leave. You didnt love her as a person you loved the idea of a young woman to look after you (a young women who grew up with an abusive father and you got with when she was barely out of high school- nothing creepy there)

I would really love to hear her side of this because with all your excuses you honestly sound very manipulative

Of course I knew that there should be an equalness to relationships, it was and we both loved it. When I fell into apathy, she supported me by doing as much as she could until I got back on my feet. But it just carried on too long as neither of us knew what the underlying issue was.

And I love her as a person, she isn't an object, she was and is an amazing person.

And I am absolutely not manipulative, I've always been open and honest with her, would never intentionally hurt her, I did hurt her, but not out of malice or intention.

OP posts:

Vikrum · 17/10/2022 20:49

I'm equally irritated and entertained by the flailing backpedaling.

Tsort · 17/10/2022 20:53

Vikrum · 17/10/2022 20:49

I'm equally irritated and entertained by the flailing backpedaling.

I just read the whole thread in one go, and same. It’s fascinating.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 17/10/2022 20:53

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 20:45

Of course I knew that there should be an equalness to relationships, it was and we both loved it. When I fell into apathy, she supported me by doing as much as she could until I got back on my feet. But it just carried on too long as neither of us knew what the underlying issue was.

And I love her as a person, she isn't an object, she was and is an amazing person.

And I am absolutely not manipulative, I've always been open and honest with her, would never intentionally hurt her, I did hurt her, but not out of malice or intention.

Show quote history

Bullshit otherwise:

Also (and no disrespect to my parents) I was brought up with the mum doing the housework, and the dad working to provide. Looking back, that was shortsighted of me, but that was all I knew and I thought that was normal

No way was it equal at any point when your 'normal' is her being your skivvy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2022 20:54

And I am absolutely not manipulative

I refer to this as the 'Posh Spice Theorem'. If you have to state it, it's probably not true.

Cats4life · 17/10/2022 20:56

I am banging my head against a wall with how delusional you are. Either delusional or this whole thing is made up!

Start by removing the word "but" from your vocabulary and stopping any sort of excuse- your upbringing, medication, health is not an excuse for abandoning her.

You got with a teenager (barely out of childhood, I know I was still very innocent and childlike at 19) and are now wondering why a grown women is disgusted with you. You can be as "sorry" as you want but that doesnt give her the past 10+years of her life back. And I dont think you're actually sorry, only sorry she grew up and woke up

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 17/10/2022 20:56

Just to say, I am a huge lover of men. I have a very supportive and strong network of men around me and always try and see both sides to any issues raised on mn, but I cannot get away with your crap. You sound self-absorbed, self-centred and misogynistic. Even your threat title has ' marks about her feelings as if they aren't valid and she's being unreasonable because none of the issues were apparently your fault.

monsteramunch · 17/10/2022 20:57

When I fell into apathy, she supported me by doing as much as she could until I got back on my feet. But it just carried on too long as neither of us knew what the underlying issue was.

You didn't 'fall into' apathy. You were actively complacent.

It didn't 'just carry on too long'. You actively allowed it to.

You consistently position yourself as someone this has all happened to rather than someone who actively made it happen. You are not a passive participant. You've been an active one.

Go back through your posts and actively look for how often you've put 'but' after any brief acknowledgment of accountability or responsibility.

Here's just a random few:

"I realised way too late I was in the wrong, but didn't have the mental wherewithal to do anything about it at the time"

"It did tell me that, but the side effects of the meds I was on at the time"

"I do take personal responsibility, believe me, but it's hard to change if your brain is telling you everything is okay."

"I haven't got this outdated image of good wife does everything for the man, but that's how me and I'm sure a lot of others were brought up."

"I realise I was in the wrong, but having anxiety and depression along with those side effects made it incredibly hard to do anything"

"I'm not saying I was totally without blame, but there were things that felt beyond my control"

Can you see how you do this? And how it would be really frustrating to live with and mean your wife will have stopped thinking there's any point discussing things she has an issue with?

I really think some therapy would be beneficial to help you take real, full accountability for your part in this.

Also genuine question, once you've broken up, if at some point you met a 19/20/21 year old in future, who you thought was mature for their age, would you have a relationship with them?

Musti · 17/10/2022 20:58

A grown 31 year old man starts a relationship with someone barely out of childhood with no experience and expects her to do everything. She’s now the age you were when you first got with her so is probably disgusted that you would do that too.

I have a 19 year old child and they think they’re grown up but they’re not really. They’re just at the start and they’ve learned so many new things in just the last few months. Things that they thought were black and white just a few months ago.

I grew up in a traditional family where my mum was a sahm and my dad worked. Still managed to work myself you know. So stop blaming your laziness on other things than yourself

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 17/10/2022 21:01

I'm proud of her for realising she doesn't have to put up with this, she deserves better. She's realised her feelings and she's owning them.