Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife devastated me, has 'fell out of love'

202 replies

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 17:24

Hi all,

Still a bit fresh for me, so excuse me if any of this is incoherent!

Last night my wife admitted to me she isn't in love with me any more, we've been together nearly 14 years, married 9 and have an awesome 7s

I'll try and keep the back story consice, but if anyone needs to know anything, lemme know.

I'm 45, she's 32, we talked long and hard about if the gap was too big, but when we started going out, we both felt like it was absolutely the right thing to do.

We moved in together in 2009 after 9 months and were very much in love for years, got married 2013 just after I was diagnosed with anxiety and given meds. After we were married she started complaining I didn't do enough round the house. Honestly I was always tired, like always. Turns out it was a side effect of the meds, but I didn't realise at the time.

Also (and no disrespect to my parents) I was brought up with the mum doing the housework, and the dad working to provide. Looking back, that was shortsighted of me, but that was all I knew and I thought that was normal.

I knew she wanted kids, I had an 11s from a previous relationship, but thought being able to look forward to having a baby would change me for the better (she hadn't told me, but she was hoping the same)

It didn't and I hated myself for it, she was overwhelmed with new ds (b2015) and I was either tired, or working (cos from my childhood, I thought that was normal)

This is where her resentment started, but she didn't let me know, so I thought everything was fine.

Fast forward to 2019 and she tells me she's isn't in love anymore and just kept quiet for an 'easy life', brought up my lack of housework and early parenting effort. this was a Massive shock to me at the time. I felt deceived and didn't realise she'd been holding it all in.

We agreed she used to love me, and we'd do all we could to see if that could be rekindled. For my part, I went to docs and got put on different meds, which honestly gave me a new lease of life and made me more like I used to be, spent amazing time with ds, did house chores, wasn't tired any more!

She agreed not to keep her feelings from me and be open about what we needed to do to make it work. To see if she could fall in love again and I could learn to trust her after her closing off to me.

We decided on a fresh start, clean slate, learn from mistakes.

Went on date nights, out as a family, all seemed great and she told me she loved me again.

Then last night, she said I don't love you any more.

She'd been holding it all in again after I tried so hard to make her feel appreciated, loved etc.

It wasn't anything I'd done recently, it was the same issue from years ago. I feel like I'm trying so hard, but she is holding on to the past. She understands I was in a difficult place back then, and I know she was too.

I've agreed to move out to my mums for a few weeks to give her space, but honestly, I'm totally broken, I love her so deeply, and I know she has felt the same in the past.

Can we fix this?
Sorry for the megalong post

OP posts:
magma32 · 17/10/2022 18:40

Some men are attracted towards younger women for this reason because they don’t have much life experience to question things and they’re quite malleable compared to women with more life experience. So maybe you found everything easier with her as she just went along with everything as she didn’t know better.
I guess it worked for those years where she thought it was normal but maybe she grew up in those years and wanted more than just another caring role.
Completely understandable as after all you’ve had a child from a previous relationship so you’ve had another chance at relationships so maybe she just wants another chance as well maybe not for another relationship but just life in general because of everything she missed out on.
It could be she’s wanting to live her life now, could have been a case of too much too soon for her as she married so young and to someone older who’d been there done that so you were on different paths.

Original poster
Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:40

Everyone is fixating on my lazing around doing nothing, that is NOT the person I am, I was mentally going thru hell at the time, and as much as I wanted to be there for her, I couldn't. I really wish I could have just thrown a switch and felt okay, as I knew I should've been doing more, but couldn't actively bring myself to do it

I haven't got this outdated image of good wife does everything for the man, but that's how me and I'm sure a lot of others were brought up.

Like I said, the first few years we made an amazing team, helped each other, and we have again since 2019

OP posts:
ArcaneWireless · 17/10/2022 18:42

I smell darvo.

Bookaholic73 · 17/10/2022 18:43

You blame her for not letting you know, the meds for making you tired, and your parents for showing an old fashioned lifestyle.

When are YOU going to take some responsibility here?

Don’t blame her for ‘not letting you know’.

She shouldn’t have let you know that opting out of housework & childcare leads to resentment and is absolutely a turn off and disgusting behaviour.
You're lucky she stayed this long!

Original poster
Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:44

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/10/2022 18:37

Also having anxiety does not mean your wife does all the chores. I have anxiety and that's bullshit

It wasnt the anxiety, it was the wrong meds, when I changed meds it was like a curtain had been lifted which is only when I realised the full consequences of how I had been acting

OP posts:
IckyPop · 17/10/2022 18:44

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:40

Everyone is fixating on my lazing around doing nothing, that is NOT the person I am, I was mentally going thru hell at the time, and as much as I wanted to be there for her, I couldn't. I really wish I could have just thrown a switch and felt okay, as I knew I should've been doing more, but couldn't actively bring myself to do it

I haven't got this outdated image of good wife does everything for the man, but that's how me and I'm sure a lot of others were brought up.

Like I said, the first few years we made an amazing team, helped each other, and we have again since 2019

I have mentally gone through hell too, and it didn't result in me doing fuck all and expecting my partner to do everything.
And believe me the hell I went through was fucking hell (stillborn baby at full term and nearly dying myself).

IhearyouClemFandango · 17/10/2022 18:47

Bookaholic73 · 17/10/2022 18:43

You blame her for not letting you know, the meds for making you tired, and your parents for showing an old fashioned lifestyle.

When are YOU going to take some responsibility here?

Don’t blame her for ‘not letting you know’.

She shouldn’t have let you know that opting out of housework & childcare leads to resentment and is absolutely a turn off and disgusting behaviour.
You're lucky she stayed this long!

All of this. I'm hearing a lot of finger pointing elsewhere.

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 17/10/2022 18:47

You’re getting into middle age and are probably worrying about becoming a sad old man living alone. She’s barely into her thirties and has probably realised she’s been caring for ungrateful men for 2/3 of her life and this is her final chance to enjoy her youth.

it’s good that you recognise your mistakes now, even if you do have excuses coming out of your ears, but it’s too late unfortunately. Be a good ex and coparent and treat her with the respect you know she deserves

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2022 18:47

Let her go so she can move on. She's squandered enough of her youth already.

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 17/10/2022 18:51

It’s not that we don’t understand about the wrong meds and how crap they made you feel. It’s that you clearly felt that you were feeling bad and could opt out of home life. If you’d have been a single parent that wouldn’t have been an option for you, so although unfortunate - this was a choice you made. I bet you weren’t apologising to your wife for not being up to helping, and thanking her left right and centre for taking on a double share of the housework were you?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 17/10/2022 18:52

Sorry OP, as a person with GAD and depression who is on strong medication that does make me lethargic, who also works full time and has a DS, I don't leave everything to my DH and I am an active parent and partner. You are blaming everyone else.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 17/10/2022 18:53

Your situation is far from unique yet many others manage to be an equal partner

SunsetsArePretty · 17/10/2022 18:55

Vikrum · 17/10/2022 18:04

She was basically a child. You were an adult. I bet it felt right for her because it was all romantic and exciting. It shouldn't have felt even a little bit right for you. I think it should have felt like a crime if I'm honest.

Show quote history

This is unfair, @Vikrum. She was a legal, consenting adult at 18/19 years of age when they started their relationship. She was not "basically a child", as you said above. At that age, she was able to consent to se#ual relations with other consenting adults, able to vote and able to marry without parental consent. You may not morally agree with the age gap, or her being 18/19 years of age, but that does not give you the right to describe a relationship between two consenting adults as a "crime", because it was not a crime.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/10/2022 18:57

Blaming her for not telling you she was unhappy isn't going to help. If she doesn't love you anymore than you have no choice but to let her go. Too many men are very blind about their wives happiness, they think everything that went before is forgiven and forgotten but sadly no one can will themselves into being in love again. She's tried but now she doesn't want to try anymore. You can still be a good DF to your DS, don't let your unhappiness spoil your DS's life

Vikrum · 17/10/2022 18:58

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:40

Everyone is fixating on my lazing around doing nothing, that is NOT the person I am, I was mentally going thru hell at the time, and as much as I wanted to be there for her, I couldn't. I really wish I could have just thrown a switch and felt okay, as I knew I should've been doing more, but couldn't actively bring myself to do it

I haven't got this outdated image of good wife does everything for the man, but that's how me and I'm sure a lot of others were brought up.

Like I said, the first few years we made an amazing team, helped each other, and we have again since 2019

Ah, I see. Your mental health trumps hers, despite the fact that she was basically telling you she was desperately unhappy and wanted out, you still think your mental health difficulty is more important and deserves more consideration than hers. Do you know how damaging, how crushing, how utterly shattering and destructive to ones self esteem and positivity it is to have to carry someone like you? I bet you don’t even care, because it’s all about you and the quality of your experiences. And that is why, mentally healthy or not, you should not be in a relationship with this young woman, and she should get out and live. Really live for the first time in her life. Yes, I hear that you’ve put in the bare minimum of effort and recognition and respect and you’re outraged and hurt that you haven’t managed to turn back time by doing so, but those are your cards now. You sowed a field of pure disappointment and now you’re going to reap the harvest, basically.

Facecream · 17/10/2022 18:59

So…what was the medication exactly?
Just so I can avoid becoming a lazy arsehole who doesn’t care for my child and expects everything to be done for me…
According to you, you managed to work with the debilitating tiredness.
Your head was in a mess.. but you worked .. never got sacked?
Worked full time?
Remarkable.
Now imagine if, like lots of men, you didn’t have a partner..,during those years.
Who would have fed you, shopped for you, cleaned for you, did your washing and raised your son?
If the answer is no-one then you did not need the live in slave you acquired, who you call your wife.
I’m also guessing your exhaustion did not stop you socialising or doing your interests (are they the traditional interests of drinking and football by any chance)?

Fififafa · 17/10/2022 19:01

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2022 18:47

Let her go so she can move on. She's squandered enough of her youth already.

This!

gamerchick · 17/10/2022 19:01

Pete76 · 17/10/2022 18:11

Thank you, she was a very mature 19, having had to look after her dad in her early teens, she said to me she also just thought 'that's what life is'

We weren't engaged for 2 years, we took it slow because of the gap. We only moved in together as she was basically staying over every night anyway.

Show quote history

She wasn't a very mature 19 yr old. You were a very immature man.

All woe is me, take no responsibility bollocks.
It's over. She doesn't want you, she's grown up and is ready for a proper mature relationship. Focus on being a good dad and model the behaviour you want you youngling to learn about relationships.

Let her go

CousinKrispy · 17/10/2022 19:02

OP, ultimately the age gap doesn't matter. Neither do your meds or your history of anxiety or your upbringing or whether your wife communicated in the way you think she should.

Bottom line is that you cannot make someone love you and you cannot force someone to remain in a relationship with you.

Your wife 100% has the right to say "This isn't working for me" and to walk away. If you are a decent human being, you will respect her decision and focus on co-parenting in the most positive way you can.

If you've been that badly affected by anxiety and your meds and your attitude to family life, your children probably haven't received the best off of you. Now is your chance to make up for that by focusing on them. While respecting your wife's decision.

Vikrum · 17/10/2022 19:03

SunsetsArePretty · 17/10/2022 18:55

This is unfair, @Vikrum. She was a legal, consenting adult at 18/19 years of age when they started their relationship. She was not "basically a child", as you said above. At that age, she was able to consent to se#ual relations with other consenting adults, able to vote and able to marry without parental consent. You may not morally agree with the age gap, or her being 18/19 years of age, but that does not give you the right to describe a relationship between two consenting adults as a "crime", because it was not a crime.

Show quote history

I read his comment as being that his partner was 16.

but 18/19 and 32 is still gross in my opinion. Women that age are so easy to sweep off their feet and manipulate, especially when they’re looking to be appreciated, like this girl who was a young carer for years would have been. I speak from experience. It’s almost always men whose counterparts wouldn’t entertain their bullshit for five minutes, so they go for as young as they legally can, impressionable women they can control. It is manipulative, it’s gross, and the men pretty much always know that the benefits for them are so much higher. They brag about their young girlfriends like they’re some kind of trophy. It’s a fetish and it’s so rare that it’s actually a mutually respectful relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2022 19:07

18/19 and 32 is still gross in my opinion.

Mine too. She was a vulnerable teenager with an abusive father. No decent 32 yo man would have missed that.

ShineyCrab · 17/10/2022 19:07

There are some awful men with no zero self awareness on MN, but even they would know this OP would make them look crap. This is feels like a bridge dweller.

Although if it's not, I really hope she sees this thread or it gets picked up in the fail. It would help her with her resolve should she ever start to forget how thoroughly shit you were

SunsetsArePretty · 17/10/2022 19:09

Vikrum · 17/10/2022 19:03

I read his comment as being that his partner was 16.

but 18/19 and 32 is still gross in my opinion. Women that age are so easy to sweep off their feet and manipulate, especially when they’re looking to be appreciated, like this girl who was a young carer for years would have been. I speak from experience. It’s almost always men whose counterparts wouldn’t entertain their bullshit for five minutes, so they go for as young as they legally can, impressionable women they can control. It is manipulative, it’s gross, and the men pretty much always know that the benefits for them are so much higher. They brag about their young girlfriends like they’re some kind of trophy. It’s a fetish and it’s so rare that it’s actually a mutually respectful relationship.

Show quote history

I think it was the grandmother who was 16. Even at 16 years, it's still legal in the UK.

ShineyCrab · 17/10/2022 19:11

Legal is really the lowest fucking bar isn't it?

There are lots of things we can't arrest people for it doesn't make it right

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2022 19:11

ShineyCrab · 17/10/2022 19:11

Legal is really the lowest fucking bar isn't it?

There are lots of things we can't arrest people for it doesn't make it right

👏🏻