Think I've really hurt DH's feelings

[ArDi]

Married 22 years, 2 teenage children, all chugging along as things do. We are affectionate with one another. A couple of years ago we bought our "dream home" with a huge mortgage, and whilst it is an amazing place to live, it has come at a price.

DH is in a senior corporate role and is under a huge amount of pressure at work, but I think it's mostly pressure he puts on himself. Due to our decision for me to be a SAHM for a number of years, my earnings are 1/10 of his, and he is feeling very burdened by the financial responsibility he has - particularly in the present economic climate.

He's putting on weight, he's grumpier with the children, he's got huge impostor syndrome at work. He's gone from being energetic and motivated to being driven and distracted. I don't know how to help him address this, as the need to keep this house (and thus his job) at all costs, is like a mountain he can't see around.

I have said that even though I love this place, we'd be just as happy in a smaller house (we could probably sell up and move into somewhere smaller, mortgage free). But he doesn't want to. This is his dream - he just won't see the toll it's taking on the family. Last night I told him how unhappy I am becoming. He's not who he used to be. He has no time for just us. I was ill in bed last week and he "couldn't" even take five minutes off work to make me a sandwich for lunch. I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently. I also said he's always been a bit like it - putting work before me - and recited a couple of examples from the past.

He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say".

I felt bad - like I was kicking a man when he's down, but I can see the way he is working is bad for him, as well as for our relationship and the family in general. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

I feel that if I keep supporting him I am "enabling" the obsessive working, but if I don't support him, he will crash and burn. Is the only option to leave him to it until he has a heart attack?

Any wisdom, Mumsnet? And don't tell me to leave him - that's not happening.

What would he say if you asked him if he was happy? He doesn’t sound happy. Take it from there.

It’s curious when you say you can see his working is bad for him, but your words were all about you and your wants. Nothing about him or his. It comes across as rather selfish.

Well I understood you. You want more "him" in your reality even if it costs the dream.

That sounds quite sensible to me.
I'd be relieved in flattered in his shoes.
Give him some time to digest what you've said.

A really good sit down and chat about what your priorities are with a pen and paper. See if you’re on the same page and if not then what changes are you both prepared to make.
Ultimately you both love each other so can make whatever you decide work.
Sounds like he needs some time out and a break as do you.

Do you work?

I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently

How would he prove to someone you love him?

Can you help to take the pressure off by lightening the financial load?

You have absolutely done the right thing op. This is the start of making things better. He's got into a total muddle clearly. I'm in your DH position. I earn 5x my husband salary and pay the mortgage on our big house. But I love my job and we are happy. If the pressure got too much I hope he would encourage me to downsize and I hope my self esteem not dependent on big job / dream house trap.

So the fact that he's working so hard to allow you to buy your dream home and be a SAHM, doesn't show he loves you?! You're being really selfish.

I think you were right to be honest.

He is not doing it all for you and the family, he is doing it for his ego and to maintain his dream house.

Unfortunately OP it sounds like he is the boss and you are a passenger in your marriage.

Why does his word go?
Why does he get to decide?

If you divorce the house will be sold anyway.

I never understand the dream house mentality when it comes at such a high price.

The dream is only his.

I have a lovely home, not a dream house.
Because my dream isn't wrapped up in a house.

My dream is a happy family with a loving present husband.

Living with someone who puts his job, and the ego attached to it, above all else, is not a good husband or father.

Many people work very stressful jobs through no choice, because they need to pay basic bills.

He is choosing this ahead of what is necessary.

He needs to make better choices.

Selling the dream house and making better choices is what would be better for the family.

The question is, is he more important than the family?

Because the way your post reads, it sounds as if he thinks he is.

I think first things first, you sit back down with him and tell him how much you love him and want the relationship to work.

Then what you actually need is time alone together for you both to discuss all the options open to you. Put everything on the table. Consider every permutation - work patterns for you both, housing, location whatever.

You need to have joint aims & aspirations and that what is lacking.

I think it's important that he understands that the big house and lifestyle aren't as important to you as your relationship. I think you need to be clear on this. Maybe he's disappointed and feels he will have 'failed' is you move? Perhaps making it clear that it is t failure it's doing what works best for the family esp as life changes as children grow up and leave home.

It may be worth raising the question of the financial load to see what he's got to say on this. If you went to work full time though whilst it would help financially surely he would need to step up to share housework etc (I'm assuming you do everything) and he needs to consider having to do 'wife work'.

I think instead of making it all about you you actually ask him what he wants. And the whole prove he loves you thing is beyond ludicrous.

I’d give him a cuddle, tell him you love him and book a weekend away to really talk things through.

Frankly I wouldn’t have bought a dream home with a huge mortgage, knowing I wasn’t really contributing to that cost. It was always a risky move. Now you have got it, and let all the stress for that decision be in his shoulders, and he has broke his back for it, you have turned round and said, I don’t need it after all. No wonder he is unhappy.

Wow. So working himself into the ground to provide for you all, and buy the "dream house" that no doubt you also wanted at the time isn't enough to show he loves you, because he didn't MAKE YOU A SANDWICH.

The mind boggles.

From your post I can see how much he loves you. I can also see how that was an incredibly cruel thing to say to him. What I don't see is you doing anything to ease the pressure aside from suggesting you sell the "dream house".

Another solution would be you working - he could then work less, and not have to lose the home he's worked so hard for.

Have you suggested that?

You have started the conversation, that's positive. Maybe follow up by writing a letter to him that he can digest at leisure, telling him all the things you do love about him, and maybe remembering fun times you had as a couple/ family and reassuring him you're not bailing on him and want to work as a team to find a solution together. Be prepared for hard truths. Often workaholics are avoiding issues elsewhere in their life. Stay strong op. You have made a brave first step by acknowledging the issue!

He's definitely not happy. That's why I want to help him - but he can't see how to change things, yet it's he that needs to make the change.

If your kids are teens you can work pt and help financially

He sees a big house as a status thing, if his health is suffering he needs to go mortgage free.

Tell him life is short, health is everything and success is not just a big house.

No OP, you BOTH need to make a change.

Jeez your husband really does have a world of responsibility on his shoulders doesn’t he!

Possibly. I feel that I make sacrifices every day, and all it has done is enable him to work more and more until there's nothing left of him.

He never asks me to do things for him - I just see what he needs and try to meet the need. But if I don't directly tell him what my needs are, he tends not to notice.

When he's in a better place he's more attentive. And I guess I tried to shock him into seeing where things are heading, by pointing out the impact it's having on me. Because I know that he doesn't want to hurt me.

How about focusing on him? He’s working his fingers to the bone, doing what he thinks is right. You say you’re worried about him, yet everything you post says different.

Sacrifices? What the hell are you talking about ?
You sound lazy and entitled.
Get a job is what I say

This. Poor man.

What are all these sacrifices you are making OP?