Think I've really hurt DH's feelings

[ArDi]

Married 22 years, 2 teenage children, all chugging along as things do. We are affectionate with one another. A couple of years ago we bought our "dream home" with a huge mortgage, and whilst it is an amazing place to live, it has come at a price.

DH is in a senior corporate role and is under a huge amount of pressure at work, but I think it's mostly pressure he puts on himself. Due to our decision for me to be a SAHM for a number of years, my earnings are 1/10 of his, and he is feeling very burdened by the financial responsibility he has - particularly in the present economic climate.

He's putting on weight, he's grumpier with the children, he's got huge impostor syndrome at work. He's gone from being energetic and motivated to being driven and distracted. I don't know how to help him address this, as the need to keep this house (and thus his job) at all costs, is like a mountain he can't see around.

I have said that even though I love this place, we'd be just as happy in a smaller house (we could probably sell up and move into somewhere smaller, mortgage free). But he doesn't want to. This is his dream - he just won't see the toll it's taking on the family. Last night I told him how unhappy I am becoming. He's not who he used to be. He has no time for just us. I was ill in bed last week and he "couldn't" even take five minutes off work to make me a sandwich for lunch. I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently. I also said he's always been a bit like it - putting work before me - and recited a couple of examples from the past.

He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say".

I felt bad - like I was kicking a man when he's down, but I can see the way he is working is bad for him, as well as for our relationship and the family in general. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

I feel that if I keep supporting him I am "enabling" the obsessive working, but if I don't support him, he will crash and burn. Is the only option to leave him to it until he has a heart attack?

Any wisdom, Mumsnet? And don't tell me to leave him - that's not happening.

It was a huge mistake to be a SAHM for over 10 years, what if something happens to your dh and you’re on your own. I feel sorry for your dh.

Same as @Eupraxia

My first job was entry level. At the age of 43 with no experience or qualifications behind me. O levels. Then access course. Then degree.

Next was 70k

Then 95

Now 140

If I'm not on 250 by the time I'm 55 I'll be disappointed.

That's not a stealth boast by the way. I found what I'm (very) good at and it's in demand as a skill.

Grr this consumerist society has made so many of us value the wrong things in life. His self worth is tied up in being able to provide this lifestyle for his family when in fact it isn’t needed. You would be much happier in a smaller home with more time for each other.

Sit him down, tell him you love him (assuming you do of course, a whole different thread needed otherwise) and ask him if he’s happy. Then listen.

Take a look at this tool, it’s a simple way of identifying in five minutes what parts of your life need attention. If he’s not the talking type, see if he will at least fill in. If he won’t talk about it, he may go and mull it over and come back to you later. Do you own version and compare if you can.

www.bristolcbt.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Spider-web-progress-chart.pdf

Then discuss where you feel differently and where you feel the same and what you can do about each area.

Good luck OP

She sacrificed ten years of her career to a family plan. She does work for fucks sake. I don't know what it is about the expression SAHM that makes people want to stick the boot in. Anyone who has had a high earning partner when they are a lower earner knows what she means by 'not making 1/10th of her husband's salary. It is not possible to go out and get these jobs at the age of 40+ with no training, experience or possibly ability in those areas that draw those salaries. It's not easy to do it in the first place.

OP I have found that talking about the team not working rather than him not doing well works best in these situations. I had thought I gave up some years of my career as part of a team effort to bring up our kids in the most effective way but as my H got more and more distant and I slid into drudgery it became obvious it wasn't about that and couldn't continue. I got a (shit paying) job and he took a paycut and a less pressured job and life is happier for us both now (the kids are not happier I will add). If you want to continue in your life as a team - and it's clear you do - you need to say that and why the team is not functioning as it should, not just why you're unhappy. But first, give him a hug.

Good luck.

OP - I think he has been demonstrating his love for you in the ways which have come most naturally to him. I don’t think it’s right or fair to say he’d have done the same if you and your children weren’t in the picture. Frankly, that seems unlikely. So I think your remark was a bit careless and selfish. BUT we all express ourselves badly at times. God knows I do.

The bigger picture is that your DH is on the way to burning out because the house and lifestyle are too much of a burden. And he’s missing out on family life. This is what you’re trying to fix and that is coming from a place of love and care for him.

If you’re highly qualified and your children are in their teens, I suspect you could get back into the workplace at a higher salary than you currently have and still be part time but not so part time that your salary is only 10% of his. Teenagers still need their parents but not in the same way as when they were younger (unless there are health conditions); they can do a lot of practical things for themselves and a lot of the life admin can be done at weekends. I think that would also be very good modelling for your children. There are career coaches who specialise in placing returning SAHPs even after 15-20 years out of the workplace. You’re only mid-40s and potentially have many earning years ahead of you.

And also downsizing sounds like a good idea. These last few years have been far stormier than anyone could have predicted and retrenching is a reasonable thing to do.

Don’t beat yourself up over a careless remark. Apologise and use it as a chance to have some really important discussions.

How many hours a week do you work in those two jobs?

I notice you do a lot of child ferrying around. Can they walk home from the school buses? Are the extra curricular essential or can they get there themselves?

I know you said you’re making sacrifices but what exactly? It’s hard work minding toddlers and young kids, it’s not that hard minding teenagers who just want food, money and Wi-Fi. Limiting your hours will limit your job options. You’re young- you could retain easily.

I work with many men probably at the same stage and age as yours and it’s not easy. Men are often having a slump as younger man and women the same age or older who are having a second wind are coming up the rear.

You meant well but I’d go easy on him given he seems at breaking point. The cups of tea don’t matter but if you’re re-evaluating your life, consider your own role and choices, and whether the kids need your intense involvement now they’re older. Good luck OP.

You've made fair points to him but it sounds as though he's not living his dream life and his work / house / stress will be a lot about keeping you and the kids happy in your home. Go easy and communicate more openly with him.

But....... no lifestyle is worth one's health so you're right to push for a possible change but do it kindly.

Op be careful you don't find yourself separated and you don't have career options.
Still time to study and get your own career

Hi @ArDi , I think your words were very harsh although I can appreciate you are probably getting frustrated and sad with the situation.

To say to him you don’t have examples of how he loves you would have been very hard to hear, particularly as he is working his socks off to provide for you and the kids.

I would start the conversation off from a more positive position. Tell him you appreciate him and love him but this isn’t working and that you want to move and this is what is best for the family.

It sounds like your husband has got so over-invested in work, being the breadwinner, financing the dream home etc that he’s lost sight of who and what are important. He’s clearly not happy but when it’s become so much part of his identity and who he is, it’s not easy to backtrack.

I think he’d benefit from some professional help to unravel it all and for you to talk to him about how you’re worried about him, can see he’s not happy, that money/the house isn’t important to you and what is important. I wouldn’t be surprised if to him, the providing of the home and financial security, is how he show’s his love.

In regards to the traditional roles you both inhabit, his proof of loving you is in what he has worked to provide for you.

You do have a point in that he is overworking himself, but you didn’t approach it as concern for him, you approached it by pointing out where he is failing you. Instead of easing pressure, he’s going to feel more pressure to not only do what he is doing now, but to be more demonstrative as well. It increases the likelihood of something giving tbh, because he’s already cracking under the strain as is. You made it about you, unfortunately.

This was me. Big mistake.

Posted too soon.

Which was why I ended up going to do a degree.

But it would've been so much easier if I'd had options.

And I wouldn’t say you don’t care about the house/lifestyle, because that’s going to read to him as ‘hey, you know all the blood, sweat and tears you’ve expended? Yeah, I don’t actually care about that’. If that’s how he’s showing his love to you, he’s going to take that as you throwing said love back in his face even if that’s not your intention.

This

you let this happen because it suited you

now hes ill because of the pressure you feel annoyed and want him to lose his work identity and the status you encouraged him to have

how about you increase your pay
how about you try and work harder to love and care for him and show him how much everyone values and loves him and how much you appreciate all he has done rather than approach him with the negatives

poor man

Tell him that a dream house is not a dream house if it's an empty house. It's just bricks.

Tell him that you don't want to be a young widow in a 'dream house'.

Ask him if he wants to look back at his life and reminisce about the hours he worked or the time he spent with his family?

Then when I get home, I do the usual house stuff, cook the meal, get the children to and from their sports and music clubs. DH comes in from his office to eat, often in silence as he's so burdened. Then he returns to the office to continue working until around midnight, and I go to bed alone and wonder why we're bothering. When do we get to enjoy the life we are supposedly building?

You both sound horrifically lonely. I'd say your husband is heading for depression and/or burn out if he's not there already. The hours he's working are not sustainable.

You both need a break, him more so. Can you go away somewhere for a wk or 2? Long-term he probably needs to visit his Dr and have some counselling.

Posted too soon.
Tell him that you love him and are worried about him and you want him to have a healthy work life balance instead of killing himself with work.

This. Exactly this.

It's because it's showing up at the top of 'Trending', so it's attracting all the idiots who think it's AIBU and time to stick the boot in without the need to read, digest or comprehend.

It's actually in Relationships. <sigh>

Does working in a job to provide you and your children with a roof over your head, while you swan about unemployed asking for a sandwich not count?

she has a job

How sexist to assume the ‘dream home’ is only the woman’s dream. OP has quite clearly said it’s his dream home and she is more than happy to downsize and go mortgage free. Maybe read the post.

Omg cant believe what I am reading here!
How about you start pulling your weight and get out and get a job! You start bringing some money in will lesson the load of responsibility of what needs to be paid out each month.
Your husband is working is arse off and your complaining because he wouldnt make you a sandwich???
It sounds to me like 'Me, Myself and I' syndrome! coming from YOU!
You need to give your head a wobble and start contributing to the work situation...maybe then he could look for a less stressful job enabling him and you to be able to spend more time together with less stress on his head.