Think I've really hurt DH's feelings

[ArDi]

Married 22 years, 2 teenage children, all chugging along as things do. We are affectionate with one another. A couple of years ago we bought our "dream home" with a huge mortgage, and whilst it is an amazing place to live, it has come at a price.

DH is in a senior corporate role and is under a huge amount of pressure at work, but I think it's mostly pressure he puts on himself. Due to our decision for me to be a SAHM for a number of years, my earnings are 1/10 of his, and he is feeling very burdened by the financial responsibility he has - particularly in the present economic climate.

He's putting on weight, he's grumpier with the children, he's got huge impostor syndrome at work. He's gone from being energetic and motivated to being driven and distracted. I don't know how to help him address this, as the need to keep this house (and thus his job) at all costs, is like a mountain he can't see around.

I have said that even though I love this place, we'd be just as happy in a smaller house (we could probably sell up and move into somewhere smaller, mortgage free). But he doesn't want to. This is his dream - he just won't see the toll it's taking on the family. Last night I told him how unhappy I am becoming. He's not who he used to be. He has no time for just us. I was ill in bed last week and he "couldn't" even take five minutes off work to make me a sandwich for lunch. I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently. I also said he's always been a bit like it - putting work before me - and recited a couple of examples from the past.

He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say".

I felt bad - like I was kicking a man when he's down, but I can see the way he is working is bad for him, as well as for our relationship and the family in general. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

I feel that if I keep supporting him I am "enabling" the obsessive working, but if I don't support him, he will crash and burn. Is the only option to leave him to it until he has a heart attack?

Any wisdom, Mumsnet? And don't tell me to leave him - that's not happening.

Tell him you love him but he is working too much and missing out on family and marital life. Tell him you wish to sell the house and live somewhere more affordable and where the kids can have more independence. Suggest getting the house valued and researching a move and that you will take responsibility for this.

Its not 'a' job he has! its a very stressfull responsible job which has given the Op a priveleged life style up until now.
Dont make assumptions that 'I' am one of those who think a man having a job is all I need in life because I dont!!
Maybe him giving up his job, their lifestyle , beautiful home and living off love and attention alone will make the Op far happier.

Both need to sit down and reassess whats more important in life for them now...

This thread is fascinating

as to what people value and hold dear varies so much

i still think we hold be a very fucked notion of normality and what ‘success’ is

in that we work for materials goods , feel exhausted and we are also messing up our planet in the process

and the collective mental health of the world
well , I’ve seen it better let’s say

I definitely know a lot of people that cannot step back as their lifestyle costs two high salaries that pay for all of the above, plus boats and second homes.

They look old before their time IMO.

A lot of them have young adults in Uni with no part time jobs as they are paying for it all.

The funny thing is, these people are extremely hard working, self made, and absolutely had part time jobs during University but for some reason don't want their children to do the same.

One consultant returned to her own private practice before her cancer treatment was fully finished.......madness..........but skiing holidays for her 3 university children needed paying for🙄.......absolute madness.

They look old before their time IMO.

And seriously unhealthy, they look like they never see daylight.

And so should the male partner too. If a man never has to reconsider the situation too or reassess his priorities it will never work. It will always be the woman who compromises and makes the sacrifices.

As for the lower earning partner always having to show all the empathy, despite picking up all the slack, well fuck that. You're either a team or you're not.

As for the lower earning partner always having to show all the empathy, despite picking up all the slack, well fuck that. You're either a team or you're not.

well we're talking about a woman and I'm a feminist so i will centre my thoughts around women. But no - i would never ever suggest that anyone place themself at a disadvantage - man or woman. but since everyone must always centre men i find myself constantly having to say this. it is boring and tedious.

I have repeatedly said on marriage threads that marriage is an advantage for the financially weaker partner and a disadvantage for the financially stronger partner (and therefore i would advise against it without watertight agreements)

But - meh. I am not advocating for men. Pretty much everything is still run by and for men. They're doing pretty fine, as a class without me having to be super inclusive of my language every bloody time.

shit sorry,@Goosygandy i think i misunderstood you? if that is the case, many apologies.

Very good advice, OP. You love each other that’s a good start.

Firstly, he is going to have himself a heart attack carrying on that way. Whatever he is doing, he is either doing too much or isn't coping with a fair workload. Irrespective of anything else that needs to change. If it is a job where he has to leave, then that is that. This lifestyle will hurt his health.

Secondly, ask him how he thinks it can be resolved. Smaller house, different employer, you getting back out there a bit more?

Thirdly, tell him that you want things to be better, that you miss what he was. Make him realise that there's more to it than you being narked because you didn't get a sandwich that time. That may not truly reflect how you feel, but is is how it reads here and so it may ne how he is feeling.

I have friends who feel like this, by the way - they want to downsize, do something different but that big house has to be paid for....

Good luck.

He needs an exit plan and so do you - he needs an exit plan from a job that ultimately chews you up and spits you out and you need one from the potential situation where you can't convince him to make a significant change.

I assume you are paying out two sets of school fees on top of a large mortgage and so that is a major deterrent to a job change.

But if he works in private equity then you presumably live commuting distance of London so the DC can transfer to e.g. grammar school sixth forms at 16.

@ArDi I like your responses. There are some awful comments that include so many assumptions (like you don't have a job when you do) so much anger (like what sacrifices when clearly it takes a lot of compromises to support someone in a long hours stressful job). How can people not understand that being rich doesn't mean you have no problems and then simultaneously say money isn't what makes you happy?

Anyway your responses to the questions and comments (the well intentioned, the ridiculous and the rude) are great. I hope you find a way through ❤️🙂

There appear to be a great many opinions on here, many conflicting and the bottom line is that you need to understand how you can support your husband from a place of compassion and understanding, and yes, you need to make a significant shift in your own awareness of how your outer world mirrors back what requires gentle attention from the inside-out on your part.

I coach married mums and this is a common occurrence. Most fathers are coming from a genuine desire to do good and there is an innocent belief pattern underpinning their driven nature.

You can make a world of difference by taking a present and progressive look at the thoughts, feelings and actions responsible for the way you are showing up in your relationship and initiate positive change which will benefit you, your husband and your teens. There is no-one to blame or shame here. Innocent misunderstandings and motivations on both sides of the fence.

And just for the record, I’ve been married for 22 years and have 2 teens at home, too. This is something you can turnaround, should you choose. You are clearly committed to your marriage and just need supportive guidance to ensure you are all happier and placing your well-being front and centre of everything. You can do this…

I think it's simpler than that personally. Everything worthwhile (or renumerative) in life takes time. There are only 24 hours in a day. If you spend 20 of them working, your health and your personal relationships won't be much cop (I suppose unless the people in your life are there mainly for the lifestyle and/or you only need 4 hours' sleep a night).

Is this some religious surrendered wives thing. Why is it she who has to show compassion? Why is she doing all the supporting?

Why is he alone coming from an innocent desire to do good? Why is she alone having to initiate positive change?

People often cannot turn round marriages alone. This makes me sick.

Why is he alone coming from an innocent desire to do good? Why is she alone having to initiate positive change?
People often cannot turn round marriages alone. This makes me sick.

agree, that is one scary post up there. I think that both OP and her DH need to re-evaluate their support for one-another, and what they want out of their marriage and lives and start from there. Not just OP making all the changes. Not least because her DH is in danger of real health issues.

Completely agree.

I hope you have excellent life insurance and morgage protection.

My friends husband was in PE, it wrecked the family. My friend was a SAHM with 2 children. The pressure was immense on him and he eventually down tooled and left over night. He ended up working in a shop which he loved but the marriage failed as he blamed his wife for constantly barraging for more time with him but then she was quite happy to spend fortunes on holidays, clothes and entertaining in the huge dream home. OPs poor husband being told that he doesnt show his love and given examples of how he doesnt show his love is just awful. I feel really sorry for him as I see how he is struggling to maintain this ridiculous life style. I hope he down tools soon, sells the house and finds happiness.

Have you actually read the OP. She actually says she'd be happy to give up the big house to take the pressure off. It's HIS dream. What happened with your friend is completely irrelevant.

Omfg at the "not good enough to be earning a tenth what he does" comment 🤣. Jesus.

Men are statistically a lot more likely to he high earners unfortunately. Things aren't likely to change on that score overnight. I earn a lot less than my dh too. This was always going to be the case as he has a first class MEng degree and I have a 2:2 in humanities. If someone told me I wasn't "good enough" for not earning as much as dh I'd laugh too! I can't undo my entire education 🙄.

Anyway, I agree with you op that you do not need to be in a massive house mortgaged up to the back teeth. We live in a small house and are likely to be mortgage free in the next five years 🤞. We used to talk about moving somewhere bigger, but now it just seems unnecessary. I'd definitely downsize to be mortgage free if I was in your shoes. It won't sort out the emotional stuff though. "Proving" he loves you and all that (which I'm not sure is fair on him anyway). But if you aren't getting what you need from him emotionally, you can either work on it or if he won't you might have to consider splitting. God forbid that happens etc, but if it did, you'd be a lot better off selling a mortgage free property I imagine.

Maybe the wife in that situation was spending money on superfluous stuff because her husband was physically and emotionally absent. Idk, but it seems wrong to me to blame a woman for spending the income - she might as well because otherwise she's missing out on the relationship time, taking all responsibility for the kids and not doing anything nice to make life enjoyable. It's the husband who chooses these careers - they aren't doing it for the wife and kids, they're doing it because they want to, because their self worth is caught up in financial achievement, because they overcommitted to highly expensive houses and school fees. It's not right to put all the responsibility onto the wife, just because she's spent some of the money! Mostly women would rather have their husbands alive and well and to live in a smaller house!