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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've really hurt DH's feelings

247 replies

ArDi · 16/10/2022 10:25

Married 22 years, 2 teenage children, all chugging along as things do. We are affectionate with one another. A couple of years ago we bought our "dream home" with a huge mortgage, and whilst it is an amazing place to live, it has come at a price.

DH is in a senior corporate role and is under a huge amount of pressure at work, but I think it's mostly pressure he puts on himself. Due to our decision for me to be a SAHM for a number of years, my earnings are 1/10 of his, and he is feeling very burdened by the financial responsibility he has - particularly in the present economic climate.

He's putting on weight, he's grumpier with the children, he's got huge impostor syndrome at work. He's gone from being energetic and motivated to being driven and distracted. I don't know how to help him address this, as the need to keep this house (and thus his job) at all costs, is like a mountain he can't see around.

I have said that even though I love this place, we'd be just as happy in a smaller house (we could probably sell up and move into somewhere smaller, mortgage free). But he doesn't want to. This is his dream - he just won't see the toll it's taking on the family. Last night I told him how unhappy I am becoming. He's not who he used to be. He has no time for just us. I was ill in bed last week and he "couldn't" even take five minutes off work to make me a sandwich for lunch. I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently. I also said he's always been a bit like it - putting work before me - and recited a couple of examples from the past.

He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say".

I felt bad - like I was kicking a man when he's down, but I can see the way he is working is bad for him, as well as for our relationship and the family in general. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

I feel that if I keep supporting him I am "enabling" the obsessive working, but if I don't support him, he will crash and burn. Is the only option to leave him to it until he has a heart attack?

Any wisdom, Mumsnet? And don't tell me to leave him - that's not happening.

OP posts:
Notjusta · 16/10/2022 11:50

I think working really hard to provide is a very common way people (maybe mostly men) demonstrate their love. However, I think people who do that often don't realise it doesn't always feel that way for the people they love. It is easy to feel like work is what they love and is more important.

But I do think fundamentally he is trying to show his love by working so hard. Obviously it's got out of hand and I agree with PP who say you sound worried about him. I hope you can have a proper chat about it with him and agree some compromises.

7eleven · 16/10/2022 11:52

liveforsummer · 16/10/2022 11:48

I really don't know how you're coming to this conclusion? Nothing in OP's posts suggest that to me and right there in the OP she said leaving isn't an option. Her concern appears to be for him primarily but also his that's impacting the family as a whole.

Show quote history

It’s interesting how things can be interpreted differently isn’t it. I guess it’s perspective and prior experience? xx

Mummybud · 16/10/2022 11:54

@Ekátn this is exactly the situation I am in. I’m the higher earner, but my husband contributes a lot more (financially, but also generally more supportive) than the OP (sorry, OP, but it’s true).

If he turned around at some point and said he couldn’t prove I loved him it would break me. He was sick last week and asked me to get him a drink and some paracetamol. He wasn’t dying. It took me half an hour as I was working, but I did it, obviously. But even if I hadn’t, he would never say it was a sign I didn’t love him.

OP you talk about him needing a wake up call. I think you’re the one who needs the wake up call and that you could be doing a lot more to support your marriage and family.

Mummybud · 16/10/2022 11:56

Also OP - you may not feel like you have the potential to make a dent in the family’s financial burden, but you absolutely do. Every £ my DH makes helps me breathe easier.

SettingPrecedents · 16/10/2022 11:57

Im totally on the same page as you re working hard - I’ve had this discussion with my husband, he can’t claim “working hard” as a demonstration of love when he would be working just as hard if he was single. Demonstrating love would be “using his leave allowance” or “supporting himself to be flexible the way he supports his team”!

I think you both really need to go back to basics, talk through what your life looks like now and what you want it to look like in 3, 6 and 10 years time. Getting away from home for a weekend would be a good idea.

Another option is to try and get him to talk to someone who isn’t you. Take the emotion of out the equation. A counsellor, an EAP service, a trusted mentor or friend. Sounds like his future vision has been narrowed right down to working the way he does, he needs to work out whether it’s the right thing for him and what he could change to be happier.

Eupraxia · 16/10/2022 11:59

Don't pretend like downsizing house and lifestyle in an easy decision.

It isn't, it will affect you and your children in ways they won't like. And I bet you it will be DH who carries the shame of that downsize in lifestyle. If you think that will help him, you really have no understanding how less privileged families live.

SimonaRazowska · 16/10/2022 12:00

Aw that was quite mean

feel a bit sorry for him

can you not up your hours?

BadNomad · 16/10/2022 12:04

He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say".

This is really sad. I don't know what the answer is, but I don't think telling someone on the brink of collapse that what they're giving out is just not good enough, is the right way to go.

Colderthanever · 16/10/2022 12:04

Mabelface · 16/10/2022 11:48

I understand. Its not about the money at all with you, you're watching him get more stressed and unhappy, more detached from the family and you're worried about him. He may start thinking after your conversation, with a bit of luck. Keep telling him you love him.

If this was the case she’d ask him what he wanted, not go in making bitchy comments about him proving his love for her .

DragonflyNights · 16/10/2022 12:05

7eleven · 16/10/2022 11:52

It’s interesting how things can be interpreted differently isn’t it. I guess it’s perspective and prior experience? xx

Show quote history

Or projecting your own views onto a situation. She literally said in her OP she isn’t going to leave him so please don’t suggest it but you’ve ‘interpreted’ that she means the opposite. Hmm

7eleven · 16/10/2022 12:08

DragonflyNights · 16/10/2022 12:05

Or projecting your own views onto a situation. She literally said in her OP she isn’t going to leave him so please don’t suggest it but you’ve ‘interpreted’ that she means the opposite. Hmm

Show quote history

Um actually I was pointing out the irony that she thought we were all going to say to leave him when in fact most posters feel sorry for him.

Try to read carefully.

OneCup · 16/10/2022 12:09

"He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say"."

That's very sad. You should both look at it constructively rather than putting blame on anyone.
Can he go part-time? Can you up your hours? Can you retrain? Can you downsize? Can you make sacrifices elsewhere (fewer holidays, etc)?

InsertPunHere · 16/10/2022 12:10

I was in a similar position recently - DP is the earner and he'd pushed himself to a high paying job that made him utterly miserable, and unable to properly participate in family life.

We had a loooooooong talk about what actually mattered in our lives. He's changed to a job he actually enjoys, we've trimmed finances accordingly and everyone is a lot happier.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/10/2022 12:10

Colderthanever · 16/10/2022 10:59

It’s curious when you say you can see his working is bad for him, but your words were all about you and your wants. Nothing about him or his. It comes across as rather selfish.

Yeah, it's so selfish to want to see more of your husband, to worry about his unhappiness, to want to downsize your dream family home so he can work less, to fear that he is going to give himself a heart attack ...

FleeUpFreeTime · 16/10/2022 12:10

Sounds like he’s burning out but doesn’t , yet, want to admit things need to change.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/10/2022 12:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2022 11:01

I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently

How would he prove to someone you love him?

Oh I dunno - take 5 minutes out of your Important Job to make them a sandwich when they are ill in bed?

Like this husband "couldn't"?

Badger1970 · 16/10/2022 12:15

Get the house valued and look at a mortgage free alternative. And say that you're moving before he ends up 6 foot under from stress.

No house is worth killing yourself for.

wormshuffled · 16/10/2022 12:15

GADDay · 16/10/2022 11:41

Sorry, I see you are working for a 10th his wage. I am going to be brutal here and say that's not good enough.

You need to work full time on a proper wage and retrain if need be.

What an unsupportive comment, are you Jake Berry?
The OP doesn't have a back up career! Retrain? OP must be at a guess late 40's. An entry level job is probably going to get her what 20k ? Her DH could well be earning 10 times this now.

CovertImage · 16/10/2022 12:17

He is not doing it all for you and the family, he is doing it for his ego and to maintain his dream house.

Unfortunately OP it sounds like he is the boss and you are a passenger in your marriage.

Why does his word go?
Why does he get to decide?

Straight off the bat, typical Mumsnet cod psychology deduced from fuck knows where

Original poster
ArDi · 16/10/2022 12:19

GADDay · 16/10/2022 11:41

Sorry, I see you are working for a 10th his wage. I am going to be brutal here and say that's not good enough.

You need to work full time on a proper wage and retrain if need be.

Hahahaha.
What do you suggest I retrain as? At our age (mid forties) salary is as much a function of experience as it is qualifications. I am highly qualified, but I've missed out on over ten years of career development. Maybe if I retrained as a magician I could pull those years out of my arse and all would be well.

OP posts:
RiverSkater · 16/10/2022 12:19

How about you take the pea out of your bed and get a job and take some of the load off him? That would help him and you would benefit too.

His life sounds beyond stressful.

ImAvingOops · 16/10/2022 12:19

The OP is working, just not full time. And if her dh is a workaholic, the OP taking on increased hours, will just result in her doing house/child stuff and working! Her dh won't reduce his hours and have a better work/life balance.

Also sah is not some favour he's done for the OP - it was a decision they made as a couple that they felt would benefit their children and family life.

All you can do is talk to him and encourage him to look for a different job and stress that a big house is not more important to you than him.

BronwenFrideswide · 16/10/2022 12:19

As he lies on his deathbed and reviews his life is he going to be saying I'm so glad I spent all that time at work, put all that pressure on myself to fund a pile of bricks and mortar, paid all that money into the hands of the Bank, ruined my physical and mental health, put my wife and children a distant second to my work so that they are now distant from me, missed time with and interaction with them, missed time to do anything other than work?

A dream house that takes this much toll on a person and his family is not a dream it is nightmare.

You sound very supportive @ArDi you just need him to understand that there is no shame in not having the dream house and it would be far better for all of you, especially him, if you change the current situation, you and the family are there for him, you want him there with you and will support him.

If you could do as you said and get somewhere mortgage free you will immediately have a far better lifestyle, the pressure to fund the high mortgage will be off, which will ultimately change the way he feels about how he has to work.

If he carries on like this he is going to drive himself into an early grave and for what? A big fancy house? Is that really what he thinks defines him?

Parmesam · 16/10/2022 12:20

Generally, something has to give. Your DH is burned out. I see no shame is selling up and getting something smaller, if it means he's happier and gets to spend more time with his family. Maybe he needs a change of career too. Maybe you both need to sit down and work out a new plan, together. Because the current set-up is not working for anyone.

ittakes2 · 16/10/2022 12:20

Wow. I think your comment about not being able to demonstrate he loves you is incredible mean. Presumably you both agreed to get the dream home and mortgage. Why kick him when you yourself say he is struggling. Make this about how he doesn’t seem happy and neither are you and his can you both sort things out together. You have teens and you chose to be a sahm just as much as he agreed to it so this is not all on him.