Think I've really hurt DH's feelings

[ArDi]

Married 22 years, 2 teenage children, all chugging along as things do. We are affectionate with one another. A couple of years ago we bought our "dream home" with a huge mortgage, and whilst it is an amazing place to live, it has come at a price.

DH is in a senior corporate role and is under a huge amount of pressure at work, but I think it's mostly pressure he puts on himself. Due to our decision for me to be a SAHM for a number of years, my earnings are 1/10 of his, and he is feeling very burdened by the financial responsibility he has - particularly in the present economic climate.

He's putting on weight, he's grumpier with the children, he's got huge impostor syndrome at work. He's gone from being energetic and motivated to being driven and distracted. I don't know how to help him address this, as the need to keep this house (and thus his job) at all costs, is like a mountain he can't see around.

I have said that even though I love this place, we'd be just as happy in a smaller house (we could probably sell up and move into somewhere smaller, mortgage free). But he doesn't want to. This is his dream - he just won't see the toll it's taking on the family. Last night I told him how unhappy I am becoming. He's not who he used to be. He has no time for just us. I was ill in bed last week and he "couldn't" even take five minutes off work to make me a sandwich for lunch. I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently. I also said he's always been a bit like it - putting work before me - and recited a couple of examples from the past.

He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say".

I felt bad - like I was kicking a man when he's down, but I can see the way he is working is bad for him, as well as for our relationship and the family in general. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

I feel that if I keep supporting him I am "enabling" the obsessive working, but if I don't support him, he will crash and burn. Is the only option to leave him to it until he has a heart attack?

Any wisdom, Mumsnet? And don't tell me to leave him - that's not happening.

Your intentions were good, but you went about it so wrong. What you said and requested was incredibly cruel. Because he is showing you every day by working his arse off. He is probably thinking 'what the fuck more do I have to do?'. As soon as you possibly can, you need to explain to him that you were trying to be nice, not cruel.

Yes I have two part-time jobs, which fit around the family's needs.

Even if I worked the better paid job full time, it wouldn't make a dent in our outgoings. He earns 10 times what I do. I can't get anywhere near his salary to help with the financial burden. This is the result of our joint decision to have me as SAHM for over 10 years and he as main earner. If I could turn back the clock and share the earning and the childcare more equally over the years I think we would have made that work quite well and would now both be at a similar stage in our careers, but this is where we are now. We both feel a bit trapped I think.

This is the conversation to have. How it’s not too late to change things. Move house, go mortgage free, both work part time maybe.
Much more adult and constructive.

The corporate world nowadays is generally much more attuned to sporting early stages of stress and burnout in people. Where I am, there is a lot of focus on spotting the early signs.

From what you describe, it sounds as if he would be on the radar for working harder rather than smarter. There is no stigma to this and everyone is explicitly tasked with spotting the signs and helping people ask for help.

If there help at work he could access, before it gets any worse ?

Telling an absolutely exhausted person that he’s not good enough is never going to go well. You know that, I think. Go on. Give him a cuddle and make him a cuppa. Xx

Well in my mind, I would ask myself, "would they do that thing if they weren't married to ArDi?" and if the answer is "no" then it is an act of love.

So if he makes himself a cup of tea and makes one for me at the same time, that making of the tea and carrying it across to where I am is a (very small) act of love. Small, because he was making tea for himself anyway, so not really a big deal. But if he never drinks tea, but took the trouble to brew one for me, that would be a larger act of love as he would only be doing it for my sake.

This is why I think the "he's working his arse off to earn money for you" argument is false. If I didn't exist, he'd be doing the exact same thing, only he'd be twice the size as he'd be living on pizza instead of home-cooked meals. He's not doing it for me. I have never asked for any of this, albeit I do of course enjoy the material benefits. But the material benefits are not as important to me as him, and I feel like I'm losing him.

If you had read the OP a little more carefully (not just you, lots of posters but you are a typical example of the posts I mean here) you would see that the OP isn't saying she doesn't work now, but that she didn't when the children were younger. That would have been a decision that both parents had agreed to. It would have allowed her DH to focus on his career, and probably not have to take on as much of the household mental load . It IS a sacrifice as now her earning power is less as she's taken this time away from her career to support the family unit. She's since posted to clarify that she has 2 PT jobs.
Some people are so quick to judge 🫤.

You articulate your feelings clearly op. So, tell your dh everything you're saying here.

Haven't read the thread but the first thing that popped into my head, is why are you not pulling your weight financially. Your children are teens - you should be sharing the load.

This is a difficult one for me because I am in your husbands position. Work a lot, not overly happy, but have achieved the joint goals, much higher earner etc.

For me to quit there would be a huge changes for everyone. We could stay in the house but, I wouldn’t be able to support dd through Uni or ds (when his turn comes). Do couldn’t stay in a job that’s poorly paid that he loves.

Working towards these goal has been for myself but also a labour of love for my family. I wanted my kids to be able to choose to go to uni or not and have genuine choice. Because I couldn’t afford to go. The house that has space and everyone was happy with, with plenty of family space and space for dogs, was for us all.

on the other hand I get you feel neglected and despite being in a senior management role I have never been able to not take 5 mins to make something for dp if he is ill. However, that doesn’t mean I have 5 mins the minute he asks. I could find find time, but not necessarily the minute he asked. Not sure if that’s what happened here.

There is something about these sorts of posts, that to me, reads as ‘I was quite happy with this when I was a sahm and felt a bigger benefit. Now I am not as happy with the set up, as the kids are older and don’t need me as much, he should be prepared to change completely, give up the house that was his dream etc to suit my needs’

I assume you work as you mentioned income. But I think there needs to be some compromise and change in attitude on both sides.

If Dp told me he couldn’t tell anyone that I had showed I loved him for months/years after everything I have tried to do for us, I would be gutted too.

Your kids are teenagers, why cant you work full time? You are being entitles and selfish. He must be feeling huge pressure to keep the income coming in. And all you do is moan he isnt there for you but you dont rise up and work harder to help him support the family better.

But he proves every day that he loves you by doing his job.
This is a familiar scenario. He might see his house and job as proof he has 'made it', and to give either up would be a failure.
What you said might have made him think his life, what he does every day, has been for nothing if you can't understand it.
You need to ask HIM how HE feels. Listen to him. Don't say 'but I don't need /I don't want' you just sit and listen (if he's willing to talk). Then you figure out together how to move forward for the best for all of you.

“I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently“ apart from bloody work till he’s miserable so you can have your dream home 😂😂

Well I agree with you to a point, but he's really not a selfish man. It's like he's lost his way and doesn't know how to get back to what's really important to him. He has sleepwalked into this position (as have I - we have made our life decisions together, with the exception of this job which I did have misgivings about but he was out of work and was starting to lose confidence he would find anything, and this role seemed like a good career move. It's just too much for him.) I feel like only a crisis will wake him up and make him stop and change things.

Sorry, I see you are working for a 10th his wage. I am going to be brutal here and say that's not good enough.

You need to work full time on a proper wage and retrain if need be.

What sacrifices are you making? Is it fair to fall back on you both agreeing you’d be a SAHM mum many years ago as still taking a back seat financially? Just because he earns a lot doesn’t mean you can’t maximise your own earnings.

Did he choose the house by himself and insist you bought it or was it a joint decision based on him working very hard to afford it?

Show him your contributions to this thread. It’s clear how much you love him and how you want to help him out of his unhappiness. I think it might start a useful conversation.

Sounds tough OP, and I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time. You don’t sound selfish and entitled to me, and actually it sounds like you are worried about your husband and are very aware of the stress he’s under. Granted your words to him, when he’s already feeling down were perhaps a little harsh.

You see posts from the other perspective all the time ‘husband has become grumpy and distant, and when I was unwell he didn’t even ask if I wanted a sandwich’. This would be followed by plenty of ‘LTB’s’ and ‘he’s so selfish’.

Honestly OP I think you and him need to have a very open and honest chat about how you’re both feeling, how it’s affecting the relationship, and your expectations of the future and your wants and needs. Like a reset convo. It seems reasonable to me, especially as you’re willing, to downsize to ease the burden. He may see this as a failure which could make his self worth even lower. You need to tell him that his worth to you is based on a lot of other things, as long as it is.

Oh dear. Your posts and how you ignore the constructive comments about how to move forward doesn’t reflect well on you at all.

And to think you thought we’d all come on say to leave him!

That’s a really bad idea. The vast majority of it is about her!

Agree. The op comes across as very self absorbed and selfish. This isn’t about him being happy. It’s about her. What she wants and it seems it always has been throughout their marriage.

I really don't know how you're coming to this conclusion? Nothing in OP's posts suggest that to me and right there in the OP she said leaving isn't an option. Her concern appears to be for him primarily but also his that's impacting the family as a whole.

I understand. Its not about the money at all with you, you're watching him get more stressed and unhappy, more detached from the family and you're worried about him. He may start thinking after your conversation, with a bit of luck. Keep telling him you love him.

And where do you think the 20 ish years of experience will come from? Because the OP is clear that if he had carried on working full time, they would be in similar places…
Plus if course this would mean her DH starting to pull his weight more at home too. Do you think he’d have the time or energy to do that? Or is it a case of little woman should work full time, train again, earn as much as someone with 29 years experience AND still do all the hw, parenting etc… she did before?

She's got 2 jobs.