Think I've really hurt DH's feelings

[ArDi]

Married 22 years, 2 teenage children, all chugging along as things do. We are affectionate with one another. A couple of years ago we bought our "dream home" with a huge mortgage, and whilst it is an amazing place to live, it has come at a price.

DH is in a senior corporate role and is under a huge amount of pressure at work, but I think it's mostly pressure he puts on himself. Due to our decision for me to be a SAHM for a number of years, my earnings are 1/10 of his, and he is feeling very burdened by the financial responsibility he has - particularly in the present economic climate.

He's putting on weight, he's grumpier with the children, he's got huge impostor syndrome at work. He's gone from being energetic and motivated to being driven and distracted. I don't know how to help him address this, as the need to keep this house (and thus his job) at all costs, is like a mountain he can't see around.

I have said that even though I love this place, we'd be just as happy in a smaller house (we could probably sell up and move into somewhere smaller, mortgage free). But he doesn't want to. This is his dream - he just won't see the toll it's taking on the family. Last night I told him how unhappy I am becoming. He's not who he used to be. He has no time for just us. I was ill in bed last week and he "couldn't" even take five minutes off work to make me a sandwich for lunch. I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently. I also said he's always been a bit like it - putting work before me - and recited a couple of examples from the past.

He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say".

I felt bad - like I was kicking a man when he's down, but I can see the way he is working is bad for him, as well as for our relationship and the family in general. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

I feel that if I keep supporting him I am "enabling" the obsessive working, but if I don't support him, he will crash and burn. Is the only option to leave him to it until he has a heart attack?

Any wisdom, Mumsnet? And don't tell me to leave him - that's not happening.

To be honest there are two separate issue here for me:

1. Your concerns are absolutely valid and you should be raising them.

2. How you communicated those concerns was completely unfair.

You questioned his love for you and by extension his family. Work is obviously something he has poured himself into to provide for his family, he is showing love in the way that he and many men are taught to growing up. I think you are being quite manipulative in the way you are communicating with him, questioning a persons love for their family really cuts to their core and I think you are at very real risk of it backfiring on you.

Communicate you concerns, they are real and valid then suggest ways things could change on both sides and then if he isn’t listening you both have to address the communication issues you both have in your marriage.

I'm also going to point out that retraining isn't free. If they are struggling now, then a bill for retraining won't help!

Really good post.

He sounds like he is about to tip. You need to work to enable him to work less.

And you could move to somewhere small.

Absolutely this.

If you are mid 40s you've at least 20 years of career ahead of you. Plenty of time to build a second career. We've service managers in our local government who took 10 years off work and came back at that age to an entry level job then climbed the ladder quickly.

Wow - what a load of self entitled me me me.

Yes you both made decisions for you not to work when the DCS were small but they are teenagers. I see this all the time, where the DH ( and yes I do feel sorry for them) works bloody hard to pay for everything and the DW does not work / a few hours per week and then moans that they are not there for school plays, sport etc etc.

It is not difficult to get a job at the moment there are loads out there.

Anyone who has worked / not furloughed throughout the last 2 years - is unhappy. Relentless pressure, constant moaning from colleagues and in his case, his wife. I hate my job about 50% of the time due to the worldwide situation and how much extra I am exoected to do. The other time I love it.

Sorry you are self entitled, me, me, me - mother who lunches and just kicked your husband so hard with no solution and made it all about you.

What was your career and qualifications. Getting back into work doesn't always involve retraining.

So what you really want is for people to say it's all good, you don't have to do anything differently, and basically he just needs to carry on as he is?

How do you even have a clue on how your DP's financial contribution compares to OP's?

For all you know, your high earning job may only be worth 1/5 of what OP's husband earns.

Being supportive doesn't mean always going along with whatever your partner wants, sometimes it means being honest even though it's not a nice thing to say/do.

OP, I am sure that you meant well and were just trying to let your DH know that there are things so much more important than having 'the ultimate dream everything' so he can step back a bit, it maybe just came out a little wrong.

I don't think it's a huge deal, just have another conversation explaining what you really meant.

I'm not sure why everyone is being so hard on you personally, you are currently working two jobs and caring for your kids, who despite being teens, still need caring for despite what some people seem to think.

If you think that having less material things and more time together as a family is what your family needs, your opinion is just as valid as his.

OP just realised your are mid 40s, you have over 20 years working life ahead of you so you have plenty of time to build a career.

Did you miss the part where OP already had TWO jobs, and that she's happy to move somewhere smaller. The house is DH's dream. Wonder sometimes if people read the posts at all

How about you take the pea out of your bed and get a job and take some of the load off him? That would help him and you would benefit too.

If only OP had said that she does actually have a job. Oh wait, she did!

I think the get a job brigade need to re-think. OP may have a situation at the moment where DH earns, say, £200,000 a year to OP's £20,000. But OP (in addition to working/earning) also makes everyone's meals, laundry, cleaning, ferrying DC around, helping with schoolwork. So she could work really hard and get to say, £25,000, except that now everyone will be eating work, more stressed/frazzled and even DH will find he needs to do more domestic stuff to keep the household going. Not exactly a great outcome. It needs more nuance than that.

*eating worse. Thankfully jobs aren't yet edible.

You need to have a conversation about what is most important in your lives. Be honest about how much value you each place on, family time, couple time, your house/other possessions, free time, etc. Be certain to express appreciation for the good things he does, so he doesn't feel attacked, but yes, you can tell him that you were happier back when he had a better work/life balance.

If he doesn't want to downsize and there's no way to increase your joint income, maybe there are other ways to improve your situation, such as being more conscious of how you each allocate the time available. It's not easy to change our patterns of thought and behaviour, but with work it's possible.

Did you miss the bit about we bought our "dream home" and her two jobs are part time that work round the family, I assume with how little she says she earns they are very part time.

So she's changed what she wants, which she is entitled to do, but you can't rewrite history and pretend this was all forced on her.

Sounds like he's in the crisis already though and neither of you are handling it well. As others have pointed out, you're not coming across well and the "prove you love me" bit was awful.

Who are you talking about?
Usually, my lunch is taken at my desk, whilst I continue to work, as I can't have a full hour's lunch break. This enables me to leave the office in time to pick my children up from their school buses.

Then when I get home, I do the usual house stuff, cook the meal, get the children to and from their sports and music clubs. DH comes in from his office to eat, often in silence as he's so burdened. Then he returns to the office to continue working until around midnight, and I go to bed alone and wonder why we're bothering. When do we get to enjoy the life we are supposedly building?

I want more balance, but I can't make it happen on my own. I have asked for advice on how I can communicate this to my DH who I think would also benefit from a more balanced life.

Look at what your skills are if you want a better paid job and retrain.

I did at 40 you're young yet :)

Defeatist attitude.

I left teaching to be a SAHM 15 years ago. Returned to work November 2021

• 1st job entry level, minimum wage and part time
• February 2022 - end of probation period they gave more responsibility and upped my salary and moved to full time
• July 2022 - Changed companies, another pay increase
• I'm currently eyeing my next promotion, which I expect to be at by end of this year. I already know I tick all essential and desirable boxes on the job description.

At my next move, I will be matching the current salary of the teaching grade I was when I left teaching 16 years ago. So picking up where left off, effectively.

This speed of salary increase is, I think, partly due to the fact I'm already highly qualified. Which you describe yourself as too OP.

So you can do this. Get back on the career path.

Or she could be earning £5k and he's earning £50k. She hasn't really given that detail has she. They could both get a £25k job and share the burden of work and home.

Unless she'd like to give more info it is hard to tell.

Exactly
I wish people would actually read posts.

You're acting like he's he's the parents making all the decisions and now that they don't suit you, he needs to be the parent again and change them...

If I'm being honest, many women think without them their husbands would still be working hard and getting fat. No, they'd be working hard without having the additional burden of meeting someone's needs. And the option to drop hours when they needed because they wouldn't have bought a big house just for themselves. And if he was fat but happy that's a lot better than being fed well and unhappy. Clearly you're cooking meals for him is not the balm you think it is.

Were you at any point practical about what the big house would cost on one salary? What thinking did you have behind maintaining this lifestyle for life? As summary - what do you take responsibility for in how this situation has arisen?

Selling the house now has an impact on your kids too. Can you imagine how he must feel knowing he's broken his back to give his wife and kids a nice house, now his wife tells him they need to sell it because he's not being loving enough?! Just like you find it hard to re-train in your 40s, he too will find it hard to just change his work and life without support and encouragement and empathy. Not basing this all on YOUR needs.

An equal partnership means taking equal responsibility for decisions and how you can fix them. I don't see that you see this as an 'us' problem, just a 'him' problem.

Brilliant example.

"Usually, my lunch is taken at my desk, whilst I continue to work, as I can't have a full hour's lunch break. This enables me to leave the office in time to pick my children up from their school buses."

Why do your teenagers need you to pick them up from their school buses?