Think I've really hurt DH's feelings

[ArDi]

Married 22 years, 2 teenage children, all chugging along as things do. We are affectionate with one another. A couple of years ago we bought our "dream home" with a huge mortgage, and whilst it is an amazing place to live, it has come at a price.

DH is in a senior corporate role and is under a huge amount of pressure at work, but I think it's mostly pressure he puts on himself. Due to our decision for me to be a SAHM for a number of years, my earnings are 1/10 of his, and he is feeling very burdened by the financial responsibility he has - particularly in the present economic climate.

He's putting on weight, he's grumpier with the children, he's got huge impostor syndrome at work. He's gone from being energetic and motivated to being driven and distracted. I don't know how to help him address this, as the need to keep this house (and thus his job) at all costs, is like a mountain he can't see around.

I have said that even though I love this place, we'd be just as happy in a smaller house (we could probably sell up and move into somewhere smaller, mortgage free). But he doesn't want to. This is his dream - he just won't see the toll it's taking on the family. Last night I told him how unhappy I am becoming. He's not who he used to be. He has no time for just us. I was ill in bed last week and he "couldn't" even take five minutes off work to make me a sandwich for lunch. I told him that if somebody asked me to prove he loved me, I would not be able to point to anything he had done recently. I also said he's always been a bit like it - putting work before me - and recited a couple of examples from the past.

He became very quiet and put his head in his hands and said "I don't know what to say".

I felt bad - like I was kicking a man when he's down, but I can see the way he is working is bad for him, as well as for our relationship and the family in general. I just don't know what I can do to help him.

I feel that if I keep supporting him I am "enabling" the obsessive working, but if I don't support him, he will crash and burn. Is the only option to leave him to it until he has a heart attack?

Any wisdom, Mumsnet? And don't tell me to leave him - that's not happening.

He's not working his arse off for you and you don't need to be grateful for someone who prioritises working to keep a house 'they' want whilst sacrificing their health, family time and your relationship.

Society has a lot more sympathy for workaholics than any other addicts, and gives a lot more leeway to people pursuing material and consumerist 'dreams' but they are damaging to relationships and families.

You need to stop brushing all this under the carpet. If DH is stressed to the extent of being ill, then encourage him to make an appointment with his GP or a counsellor. If he genuinely can't see a way out of this burden he has created for himself, then identify smaller mortgage free houses that would work for you all as a family. I've been in your situation, I told DH he had made himself redundant in our family because he was never there. We didn't need the house and possessions that he wanted and if those material items were his priority then we were leaving. I found another house. In the end, DH decided to move with us. He also saw a counsellor and we restructured our lives.

@ArDi I've been in a similar position to you.

We were both desperately unhappy & I'd talked to him till I was blue in the face & he just accused me of piling on more pressure on him

In the end, he couldn't / wouldn't make any changes & he had a breakdown. While it was horrific for our family, ultimately he was forced to make changes & we're both much happier now

All you can do is try & get him to see that the big house isn't worth the price to your marriage & family life. You both need to find a way out of this together. If he can't / won't - you'll have to decide if you want to stay in the marriage

Hugs, it's not easy xx

SHE HAS GOT A JOB

I can understand your feelings but I would have gone about raising it differently.

I would have approached it by saying that I was worried about him, working too hard to pay for everything and that something has to give and you don't want it to be his health either physical or mental.

Then I would have asked if his job was stressful because he seemed stressed and distant. Then suggested that we should make changes so he didn't have to work so much. I would have told him that he was more important to his family than bricks and mortar. That we could downsize and/or I could work more to allow him to change jobs or cut his hours.

Also OP ignore the misogynists from AIBU who have somehow ended up on a serious relationships thread by mistake. Their only purpose is to be gfs.

I could have written this a a few years ago. I persuaded my husband to go to a "corporate life coach" (aka counsellor) to figure out imposter syndrome etc - except it actually changed his entire work/life balance 100% for the better. He deals with work stress better and is actually present when he's home. He wouldn't have gone to a therapist without it being dressed up as helping his work situation.

At least she managed to get the gist of it mate

Fucking hell. A lot of people really hate lower earners, don't they.

(No, I'm not a SAHM, nor the lower earner)

Also, in what world is it not reasonable, when really unhappy in a marriage and worried about its future, to say to your husband that you don't feel loved? Feels like an important and brave thing to do. And one that might catalyse some positive change for everyone.

For some reason a whole heap of previous posters seem to be answering the question "how do I get my DH to carry on earning exactly the same money and work exactly the same hours but also do lots of stuff in the relationship so I feel loved" rather than the post that was more along the lines of "we're both miserable, I want our lives to change, how do I have this conversation with him"

It's because it's 'Trending'. It attracts them like fruit flies.

Because the dream home is out in the middle of nowhere, and they are too young to drive.

Yy maybe it's time for MN to remove Relationships threads from trending. Make the trolls and gfs at least put in the effort to find threads.

For Pete's sake, why don't people read what the OP has actually said?

*written

Well two actually, which only earn a combined income a tenth of what he earns...

I don't get this. If your husband said he didn't want the big house if it meant your working so hard because it's making you miserable and distancing you from family life, you'd reject this to keep the job and the house but still resent your partner for not contributing enough?

This seems a classic case of the DH doing the job and having the house for his ego and then blaming everyone around him for not getting praise for it.

It all sounds miserable to me OP. Have a serious conversation starting with the point that the job and the pressure of having to earn this much to keep the house going is making everyone unhappy.

Wrong again. But well done for trying.

Does the school bus not drop them within a couple of miles? I had to walk to school because the walking route was under 3 miles.

I feel like you’re being incredibly harsh on someone who clearly works very hard to give you an amazing home and the privilege of not having to work. Everything he is doing is for you, how can you say what you did. If I were in his shoes, my comment of “don’t know what to say” would be more because I couldn’t believe the audacity. You have some serious making up to do OP.

Badger1970 · Today 12:15
Get the house valued and look at a mortgage free alternative. And say that you're moving before he ends up 6 foot under from stress.

No house is worth killing yourself for”

this ^

She has a fucking job! In fact she has two jobs.

Why does everyone think that the only solution to this issue is for the OP to earn more money? Money isn't everything, and look at the state it's got her DH into. She's already said that she doesn't want him working himself into an early grave to pay for HIS dream home. His workaholic nature is the problem here, and I really can't see that the OP earning more money is going to change that. If anything, a larger disposable family income might well make him want to move to an even bigger and more expensive house.

Nobody wants their epitaph to be 'I wish I'd spent more time in the office'.

If you earn a tenth, I assume it's 10000 and he's earning 100,000 or something like that? I think you're very dismissive of people's suggestion to go full time. If you get a full time role even if it's only 25 or 30 thousand pa, at least there's more scope for pay rises and promotions. I don't see why you couldn't work on this now, especially if the kids are teens. I'm mid forties. Your age is no excuse. Your husband probably feels like he's carrying a huge burden, being the main provider.

Then when I get home, I do the usual house stuff, cook the meal, get the children to and from their sports and music clubs. DH comes in from his office to eat, often in silence as he's so burdened. Then he returns to the office to continue working until around midnight, and I go to bed alone and wonder why we're bothering. When do we get to enjoy the life we are supposedly building?

Exactly. Who is actually benefitting from this? Not you or your children who have a husband/father they never see, never interact with, he is there but not there. Not your husband, he has no time to enjoy the house he seems to covet, no time for his family or himself. This is no life it is an existence. All he is doing is sacrificing himself and his family to put money into the pockets of others. Surely that money would be better in your pockets? He is punishing himself to fulfil a dream he can't even enjoy, it's madness.

I want more balance, but I can't make it happen on my own. I have asked for advice on how I can communicate this to my DH who I think would also benefit from a more balanced life.

He absolutely would benefit from a more balanced life, if he carries on the way he is going the damage to his mental and physical health will be huge. He sounds like he is on the way to either a mental or physical breakdown. Ask him what he cares about most, what he values the most - is it the house or the people in it? His work or time with family? Money and status or contentment? If/when he crashes what will he be most afraid or losing - a pile of bricks and mortar, the status he feels living in that gives him, his job or his wife and family?