I’ve never felt such heart aching pain

[Viscera]

I’m not sure we can get past this and it’s all my fault

I’m 47 and my wife is 45, we have three early teenage children who we both adore and have put before our own needs, she is a wonderful mother and has told me the same as a father.
But we have ignored our own relationship issues and never spend time together alone.

I have a senior management role, it’s hard, often complicated stressful work.
My wife did work pre-children but doesn’t now as she has a bad back and also supports her parents (early 70’s) navigate life. I love them too they are great people.

In the last 18 months I began to get resentful of her life where she has the freedom to come and go as she pleases during the day, I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time) paying all bills, taking responsibility of finances, remortgaging, budgeting etc. In my mind I was providing and she wasn’t ‘doing’ so my resentment increased.

I didn’t see the emotional support she tried to provide as important and thought it was just words.
I’m a doer and she is a talker but with a depth of emotion and empathy I just don’t have, she is wonderful.

I shut myself down emotionally, what little I have, but continued to parent and I think that’s what has broken her, to see that I can love unequivocally, hug, kiss, smile with our kids.

I’m rambling, my head is all over the place.
She took her rings off 10 day’s ago and has told me, through honest tears she doesn’t love me anymore, needs space.

I’ve rejected her so many times through stress, resentment and personal unhappiness, her hugs, affection, attention.

For the first time in 20 years I’ve opened up to her, to someone!
It’s illuminating rather than a relief, I know what we could be and I am excited… but it’s too little too late… I’m almost sure.

She has asked for space and I’m trying but in my heart I know it’s too late.
I’d swap a lottery win for her.

This has been so hard to type out and admit .

You don’t think she felt like a slave looking after the needs of 3 kids, a husband and elderly parents? Doing the housework, cooking, shopping, doctor, presents etc? And to top it off having an idiot of a husband who resented her just because he works outside the home. She isn’t just a talker she’s also a doer, make no mistake. In fact her doing is probably a lot more relentless and thankless than yours.

For your sake, she may be stupid enough to take you back but you’re going to have to do a lot of grovelling and educating yourself over everything she has provided for you and your family.

I imagine she’s been in pain feeling rejected and neglected and unappreciated for much longer than your recent painful revelation has lasted.

Accept her decision, it’s a fair one. Use your sudden insight to behave well through the divorce.

Thank you for your response, honestly.

I also have elderly parents who are 70 miles away, my mum has Alzheimer’s and I doubt has 1 year left, we both phone my dad weekly to check up on him, I love her for that.

She would be the first one to say that looking after our children has been a privilege not a chore, I have also said very publicly I would be a stay at home dad given that chance (not required now given they are secondary school age).

I do the food shopping, the cooking, she does the cleaning and ironing and organising of school stuff, we have this in harmony and balance.

You are absolutely right, I cannot believe that I’ve missed the signs

She has felt alone and unsupported for over 2 years apparently, but our poor communications and living life through our children, holidays and having family fun meant we hid behind that.

Just tell her honestly how you feel, that you love her & appreciate her so much but just the drudge of everyday life wore you both down.
Tell her that you'd be lost without her as if you right arm had been ripped off.
Tell her how you want to work together.

I think you can repair your relationship as the problem has been lack of communication about how hard things have been for you both.
You've both stupidly soldiered on instead of regrouping & debriefing.

Us women tend to take so much more before we snap. You need to show her how much you appreciate & love her.
Then hopefully if your wife is like me I would reciprocate & you give you love, affection & appreciation back.

Really hoping that you can sort this blip. Fingers crossed 🤞 you can!

Unlike the previous op I do understand. Women, particularly those who have a good social circle, talk. It’s not so easy for men, and women, who work full time to talk. You don’t tend to have close emotional, mutually supportive relationships with work colleagues. SAHMs tend to have an army of support they have built up from having the time to socialise during the day, school gate, clubs, exercise classes etc.
Men don’t go down to the pub, gym, running club to talk about their feelings.
You have made the first step by opening up. You sound like you may have depression. Make an appointment with your GP and talk to them. The sooner you recognise you are struggling the better.

Thank you Tassen.

I’m trying, but I think that because I’ve had such an emotional shock she is worried I’m just doing it because I don’t want to lose my children and not her.
They are teenagers now, this about her and us, our future

I bought a lovely dress for her yesterday, she tried it on, really liked it but couldn’t wear it as she feels like it would be giving me a false impression?

Thank you 22

That is very true, she makes friends easily because frankly, she is caring and loves people, I’ve never met anyone who didn’t love her.

I text a mate tonight, an actual friend and admitted things, we are having breakfast together tomorrow surprisingly

But you weren’t ever going to stop treating her badly were you. You just assumed she should put up with whatever way you treated her.

It is an absolute joke for you to say you would e a stay at home dad (now that they are heading to secondary!). How could you be so utterly clueless to feel resentful after your wife has done the hard graft?

it seems quite clear to me that you still have no concept as to what is going on here. The fact your wife was a SAHM means she sacrificed her financial security for your family. You abused that trust by proving yourself to be intolerable to live with: imagine that! The message is “you are impossible to live with.” Your poor wife has squandered her career and financial security on you, and you’ve trashed it. That’s unconscionable, and unforgivable. And you have been walking around with your head in a miasma of entitlement and resentfulness.

Presumably your version is the sanitized one- I hardly dare ask how your resentfulness was manifested to your wife. What words and actions demonstrated to her your dissatisfaction with her.

I bought a lovely dress for her yesterday

With all that going on, if my partner bought me a dress, I’d feel like crying. It would show me that he’s a million miles from understanding my emotions. 😔 Theres a huge issue that’s likely built up over years, everything you’ve built together for years is potentially going to end and you buy her a dress?

If you work 50 hours a week plus commute I doubt you do the shopping and the cooking. I doubt you lift a finger because if you did you would know that she doesn’t have the easy job. Working is bloody easy when you don’t have to lift a finger at home. When your kids are taken care of, when your clothes get cleaned and put away, when everything is sorted. It is a charmed life that mostly only men with a partner get to experience.

Hi Freuday

You are right, I genuinely didn’t know how unhappy she was, because we didn’t communicate, and in hindsight how unhappy I was.
I definitely didn’t treat her well, lack of affection, I didn’t ‘champion’ her in conversations (though I absolutely did, and will to continue to forever in respect of our children where she is amazing).

I haven’t been a good husband, I could have been more, much more

I think you’re getting an unfair pasting here OP. I’m sure you’re not a blameless saint and probably have been unsupportive to her in ways that have impacted her over the years but you’re not unreasonable to also feel how you do. The dynamic with one parent working and one staying at home is a massive power imbalance. The SAH partner may feel unsupported with chores, life admin and family labour while you are shouldering the entire pressure of earning to keep a roof over your heads and a different kind of stress with work.

@Is there a reason she didn’t go back to work once the children were in school? Personally I don’t think in this day and age it’s a good dynamic. She didn’t “squander her financial security and future” for the family as someone else said, that makes it sound like she had no agency in the decision to stay home and was forced into it. She didn’t do this any more than you worked yourself into an early grave at that expense of your family. Presumably it was a joint decision to have those roles.

Is there any way you can cut hours or look for a less stressful job to ease the pressure? Could she take on any part time work around her caring responsibilities for her parents? Obviously in a cost of living crisis cutting hours isn’t ideal but depending on your financial situation, if you can take the hit, your health is important.

As well as thinking about a redistribution of responsibilities, it sounds like it’s time for marriage counselling. You’ve clearly not been communicating well for some time and you might need the prompting of a counsellor to get those issues out and properly work through them.

To summarize, you resented your wife, minimised her contribution to your family life and did a two year power-sulk and now that you’ve pushed her away, you want her back?
I wonder why you suddenly value her in your life… Does having a wife reflect more positively on you than being single? Does having a wife mean more to you than having HER in your life?
You obviously assumed that she needed you more than you did her because despite your behaviour, you seem blindsided by her decision to move on.
You seriously need counselling. You also need to really, really think about what partnership involves and value the sacrifices your wife has made to support your kids and home life to enable you to achieve everything you have.

Yep, unfortunately it made matters worse.

We had been talking honestly for the first time in months through tears… I just wanted to, I don’t know, connect, just stop her pain

She feels to guilty to accept, it must be over

Thank you Ted for your balanced response

I’m definitely not blameless, but neither of us have done anything insurmountable or awful.

We have a joint bank account, with only my income. I now know because she has given up working (due to back issues) she feels less independent, she only told me this week, another weakness in our relationship I guess.

As for squandering any career, she would have worked if it wasn’t for her back but she is happy where she is right now… (apart from our relationship)… perfect mum and very loved.

That’s Ok, and your experience
I’ll take a picture of my Lidl receipt tomorrow with a big thumbs up tomorrow if you like
Some men are twats, women too

Some of that is shocking to read but fair.

Apart from wanting a trophy wife, we have never been that way,

I love her so much I can’t imagine life without her but I have said that anyone who loves someone so deeply would want the best for them, no matter how much it hurts I do want that for her

You don't love her so much. You say you do to her and to us. But words are easily said. Your actions tell her and us that you love your ego more than anything else. Stop kidding yourself. It is over. You broke her heart.

It seems like you took her for granted, not the other way around. You treat her like shit for two years and think a dress will paper over the cracks. You seem immature and nasty.

Honestly, she'd be a fool to take you back. You don't love her, you just hate the idea of being alone, or someone else loving her.

Does your wife use MN? Was this an attempt to get to her?

It really isn't all about you.

I completely and utterly agree with every word here. Not working when the kids are at school. It’s no wonder OP felt the weight of the world.

@ClaryFairchild I suspect that's the case too. OP, it's possible to care about someone a lot but just not want to be in a relationship with them anymore for all kinds of reasons. I've been married (2nd marriage) twenty odd years and whilst I have a lot of affection for my H- he has become hard work emotionally. Prone to rants, bad tempers, workaholic, can be his way or the highway etc. i know he loves me a lot but doesn't always show it or put me first and over the years that erodes something. I think it may be best to accept the situation, have some time apart and try and stay friends and then see how it goes.

as you have teenage dc, I do suspect that your ‘resentment’ and 2 year ice out of your wife actually went on for a lot longer than 2 years. So so many men when they become the sole earner throw that power around either with the sit back and put feet up and expect their servant wife to cook, clean and everything else vaguely domestic and or fling around the whole ‘my money’ thing.

the bottom line is you behaved badly and treated your wife poorly, and now that long long stream of actions has had a consequence and this has ignited an epiphany of sorts within you. Might I be so bold as to say if she hadn’t told you she’s stopped loving you, you’d have carried on as you were.

In truth, for years I imagine she’d been willing for you to change and when you didn’t she’s just given up. You need to understand how long it takes a woman life your wife to get to that point, and when you do, I think you’ll understand that you’ve gone to gone to the point do no return. Remember, she’s not worked for a good long while, so it’s actually very difficult to be in her position, meaning she won’t have come to this place lightly. I think that should illustrate to you, just how unhappy she is, she’s finally putting herself first. The fact you got her a dress, I imagine is further proof or confirmation that you just don’t get it. Years of neglect can’t be erased by a dress. You seen the film the breakup? Reminds me a bit of one of the last scenes there

sorry I’m not one for a mn pile on, but I think it’s important you understand where you are now. Your best bet, is to talk to her and say you know how much you’ve messed things up, and how much of an idiot you were and how you’ve neglected her, (Acknowledging it’s probably gone on for longer than you are saying here) and ask her if there is anything you can do to save the marriage and tell her you want to prove yourself. Don’t Make it about how much it would hurt you to lose her, and you may well need to accept that it could very well be a case of as you said ‘ too little too late’