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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve never felt such heart aching pain

225 replies

Viscera · 14/10/2022 23:12

I’m not sure we can get past this and it’s all my fault

I’m 47 and my wife is 45, we have three early teenage children who we both adore and have put before our own needs, she is a wonderful mother and has told me the same as a father.
But we have ignored our own relationship issues and never spend time together alone.

I have a senior management role, it’s hard, often complicated stressful work.
My wife did work pre-children but doesn’t now as she has a bad back and also supports her parents (early 70’s) navigate life. I love them too they are great people.

In the last 18 months I began to get resentful of her life where she has the freedom to come and go as she pleases during the day, I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time) paying all bills, taking responsibility of finances, remortgaging, budgeting etc. In my mind I was providing and she wasn’t ‘doing’ so my resentment increased.

I didn’t see the emotional support she tried to provide as important and thought it was just words.
I’m a doer and she is a talker but with a depth of emotion and empathy I just don’t have, she is wonderful.

I shut myself down emotionally, what little I have, but continued to parent and I think that’s what has broken her, to see that I can love unequivocally, hug, kiss, smile with our kids.

I’m rambling, my head is all over the place.
She took her rings off 10 day’s ago and has told me, through honest tears she doesn’t love me anymore, needs space.

I’ve rejected her so many times through stress, resentment and personal unhappiness, her hugs, affection, attention.

For the first time in 20 years I’ve opened up to her, to someone!
It’s illuminating rather than a relief, I know what we could be and I am excited… but it’s too little too late… I’m almost sure.

She has asked for space and I’m trying but in my heart I know it’s too late.
I’d swap a lottery win for her.

This has been so hard to type out and admit .

OP posts:
inheritanceshiteagain · 15/10/2022 11:03

Split up and leave her alone. I think from what you say she's had enough of you and your apologies are too little too late. Frankly someone with the arrogance and lack of empathy you've shown in treating her with resentment for many years and not actually seeing things from her point of view at all, deserves this. Working hard and long hours in your job doesn't exempt you from emotional maturity and kindness. How in earth can you think bringing up 3 children to teens, cleaning, cooking, looking after elderly parents, supporting you and her whole family emotionally, was an easy option for her? You've shown no love for her and she's responded by letting her love for you die. When it's gone it's gone.

Unicorn2022 · 15/10/2022 11:04

The replies on this are very strange. The OP's wife hasn't worked since she was in her early 30s and won't be going back to work even though she has three teenagers. Yes she looks after ageing parents but don't we all, alongside full time jobs? The OP has said he cooks the evening meals as his wife hates cooking, he also does the shopping and finances in addition to being sole earner. I would be resentful too!

inheritanceshiteagain · 15/10/2022 11:07

How can he cook all the evening meals if he works 50 hours a week plus commuting? Weekends yes, but not weekdays, unless they all eat at 8 pm.

outtheshowernow · 15/10/2022 11:14

This is a classic case of not knowing what you have till its gone
You have rejected her for years and it could be too late
All you can do is tell her how you feel and give her space and time
Respect her wishes if she insists it's over because there is nothing more you can do

beastlyslumber · 15/10/2022 11:19

OP has emotionally abused his wife for years and now is on here trying to get support from women in his bid to make her stay in the relationship. I do not believe for one second that this is sincere. Oh I believe he sincerely feels sorry for himself. He's never known pain like it - no longer being able to treat his wife like shit hurts him so badly

Whenever a man shows up here with his transparent bullshit, there are always posters who fall for it, and who will tell those of us who see through it that we're man haters. No. We just know the script and know how it goes. Abusers are always so sorry... until the next time.

I'd like to hear OP's wife's version of events. Because a man who abuses his wife for years then buys her a dress to fix it all does not sound like a man whose story I am going to buy into.

ClaryFairchild · 15/10/2022 11:26

You've said your wife is the talker and that you've rejected her time and time again. Did she tell you she was unhappy? Did she tell you that she was hurt? If she's a talker, HOW are you surprised? Or did your resentment over the last 18 months make you deaf to everything. She was telling you?

The reason why I feel unsympathetic is because I was that wife at home, with a husband who "worked hard" and generally carried in a way that suited himself.

I'm now a single parent with 100% care for my DC, help look after my disabled mother, work 50 hours a week, and juggle my DC's intensive sporting commitments. Honestly? This manic schedule, the financial insecurity and the calls on me by everyone is still emotionally much easier than when I was with my ex.

FredWinnie · 15/10/2022 11:31

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/10/2022 05:44

I feel some posters here just come on as man haters

I know there are always these comments. There are two things that are interesting:

  1. Most of the women who are harshest, me included, have incredible men in their lives. Warm, strong, caring, hard-working, sharing men. I love mine a great deal. That's why we have no time for the other sort.
  1. The entire internet is built for and by men. There are a thousand places OP could go for "what a fucking bitch, you're better off". I can reel them off if that's what he wants. However he's here. MN has a different perspective. You don't get "you go girl" nonsense here. But you do get a tough and harsh view of what women think without it being dipped in sugar. That's valuable.

This is succinctly perfect!

This should be stickied and put at the top of the relationship board!

Kissingfrogs25 · 15/10/2022 11:57

I note that op is not replying to those reminding him that the total withdrawal of love, affection and intimacy of any kind IS emotional abuse. It is particularly aggravated if it is for such a long period of time.

Maybe he is not ready to see himself in that light.

To be ignored, pushed away, to go without a hug or physical affection for so long whilst being expected to continue living and being married is absolutely crushing. It is beyond damaging to a person, and it is abuse. Pure and simple.

I am amazed anyone can be posting with sympathy. He has abused his wife for a very long time, he acknowledges he has harmed her and if she were posting now she would be advised to LTB immediately on any thread you care to mention. Why are we watering down what is ultimately a serious situation.

Op's wife has finally had the courage and the spirit to leave, and I hope she does. Sorry op, I can't be sure if she were to return to you that you would change your ways in the longer term. I hope she is safe, and I hope she is feeling strong enough to choose a life where she is not invisible.

Kissingfrogs25 · 15/10/2022 12:00

Unicorn2022 · 15/10/2022 11:04

The replies on this are very strange. The OP's wife hasn't worked since she was in her early 30s and won't be going back to work even though she has three teenagers. Yes she looks after ageing parents but don't we all, alongside full time jobs? The OP has said he cooks the evening meals as his wife hates cooking, he also does the shopping and finances in addition to being sole earner. I would be resentful too!

So you think it is okay to punish her by cutting her off, pushing her away, ignoring her and showing her no love or affection. You think that kind of emotional abuse is acceptable do you? You are an apologist for men that treat their wives badly.

Catlover1970 · 15/10/2022 12:09

This reply has been deleted

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Catlover1970 · 15/10/2022 12:10

AndTwoFilmsByFrancoisTruffaut · 15/10/2022 06:01

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

Precisely this

I knew this chap would get the usual MN pile on. Imagine if the sexes were reversed. The wife would get nothing but support 🙄

Show quote history

Yes there are some seriously nasty comments on here

Catlover1970 · 15/10/2022 12:12

Darbs76 · 15/10/2022 07:51

I think you’re getting an unfair response. It can’t be easy when one person has a really stressful job and the other parent stays at home. The children are teenagers. So no reason the wife can’t get a part time job. Why should one person shoulder all the financial responsibility when children no longer need childcare? I can imagine resentment will build very easily there and that’s not all the OP’s fault. Yes the wife is busy looking after elderly parents but my friend does all that, 2 children under 13 and a 30hr a week busy job. Not sure why everyone is making out the wife is entirely blameless in all of this like she’s had no choice but to be at home. Being at home all day when kids are in school gives you an awful lot of freedom. Yes there is ‘life admin’ to be done but many people do all of that and hold down full time busy jobs. Don’t see why this is all the OP’s fault the marriage has broken down

this

Catlover1970 · 15/10/2022 12:17

pocketvenuss · 15/10/2022 08:55

Jesus. The OP has been very open and frank about their misunderstandings and judgement and your response is to kick him. Not particularly good at constructive criticism are you. Just 'kick him while he's down' kind of criticism. Not the most reconstructed or emotionally developed kind of individual are you.

Show quote history

Yes she is very tunnel visioned on this. Sad if she lives her life like this

Catlover1970 · 15/10/2022 12:19

pocketvenuss · 15/10/2022 08:58

Stop making shit up. The OP has given us a breakdown. You randomly just invalidating it is completely pointless. You just create a whole imaginary scenario to fulfil your rhetoric is weird and not at all balanced.

Show quote history

Totally agree

Unicorn2022 · 15/10/2022 12:20

@Kissingfrogs25 not at all but I am in a similar position to the OP and it's hard to show affection and not feel resentful when your OH has all the freedom and nowhere near as much stress. There needs to be appreciation on both sides.

Soproudoflionesses · 15/10/2022 12:21

Yesterday l got up at 6am to make a cottage pie and set the oven so it would be ready for when we got in from work and school...dh said oh l just fancied an omelette.
Hadn't occurred to him l had shopped, planned and prepared this home made meal and didn't just decide that's what we were having
It is shit like this that tips women over the edge.
But 20 years of being taken for granted sorry op l can see her point.
I hope now you realise you can redeem yourself.

Monzeitia · 15/10/2022 12:22

I completely agree with you, she took her ring but I bet she won’t be that quick to ask for a divorce, she then will have to get a job and obviously she is happy to come and go without a worry in the world

Kissingfrogs25 · 15/10/2022 12:34

Unicorn2022 · 15/10/2022 12:20

@Kissingfrogs25 not at all but I am in a similar position to the OP and it's hard to show affection and not feel resentful when your OH has all the freedom and nowhere near as much stress. There needs to be appreciation on both sides.

He isn't 'just' feeling resentful though is he - he has actively and knowingly harmed his wife for a long period of time. If you are feeling resentful - use your words, talk it out, come to an agreement that is comfortable for everyone - change things. There is an option of divorce if nothing can or does change.

What you don't do is sit and fester that you are 'doing it all' and then start emotionally abusing your wife/husband, and inflict punishment for your feelings. There can be no justification or excuse for choosing to cause so much harm to someone you are supposed to love. None.

I would love to hear the wive's POV as I imagine it is a world away from op's. I am sure he has left out some pretty key points here. No one ends a marriage on the whim, especially not a wife that is financially dependent and has been for decades. Things must be so bad that she had no alternative but to leave. I would say op has only told us the bare basics from his view point, I would love to hear the other side.

Blowthemandown · 15/10/2022 12:37

Viscera · 15/10/2022 01:27

That’s Ok, and your experience
I’ll take a picture of my Lidl receipt tomorrow with a big thumbs up tomorrow if you like
Some men are twats, women too

Show quote history

@Viscera I believe you. You’ve finally opened up. All you can do is be ‘the new you’ regardless of whether it gets you back together. She may see that things are different, or, you may lapse back into old ways. Or, it may sadly be too late, or, in a year or so she might feel she wants to try again. Whatever happens, you can’t force it. That’s not very helpful I know but just give it time.

Unicorn2022 · 15/10/2022 12:41

@Kissingfrogs25 but we don't have the wife's point of view, only the scenario you have fabricated. The OP is the person who has asked for advice and this is all the information we have to advise on.

If a woman had posted the same OP she would have had a totally different response.

newyearsresolurion · 15/10/2022 12:57

Let her go in peace. If you think looking after 3 children full time is easy then you're an ........

JamSandle · 15/10/2022 13:00

I hope you can work through it. You sound like a lovely person x

Diverseopinions · 15/10/2022 13:04

I haven't read all of this or digested all the nuance, but I do think that working 50 hours a week is hard, and requires a good deal of emotional strategising to keep that job. I don't agree that it is easy, because you are doing one singular thing. You probably are permanently suppressing a part of your mind and dealing with other colleagues emotions, being as sensitive and caring, in that sense, as the archetypal home-maker,whom everybody loves.

However, I think men, generally underestimate, how being cutting, or mean or disparaging comes across as aggressive and abusive, so, if you're guilty of talking in a horrible way to your partner, her feelings might change towards you, and she might think they won't change back.

I guess if your affectionate comments to her have not been regular or specific, but just "Of course I love you", kind of thing, it will be hard to her to believe that you do genuinely appreciate her, and are not just trying to hold on to what you know .

Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 13:09

Freeflight · 15/10/2022 07:37

I definitely think that some personal counselling would be really helpful at this moment in time. I think you need to prepare for the fact that this could be over and find coping strategies.

Life is hard when you have kids. I expect that she has spent a long time gathering the courage to really admit how she feels. Likely waiting until she feels the kids are at an age where a separation would be a feasible option as she has probably put their happiness and security above her own.
That will have been very hard for her.
I also recognise that things will have been hard for you too. Working long hours and missing the family dynamic as it strengthened around you probably led to a feeling of loneliness on your part. Likely you may have withdrawn and both of you internalised your feelings leading to a huge breakdown in communication.
Marriage counselling will probably be helpful to bridge that gap, but it may only serve to confirm to her that there is no way back from this so use it as a way to understand how to communicate better, how to parent better and what you both did that led to the current situation.

I am in this situation right now although issues with my husband stem from him being unfaithful. However the lack of communication and honesty afterwards reinforced that killer blow.
It has taken me a long long time to finally put myself first and admit to him how I feel. He is in shock really, he wants things to get better, but I feel it is too late. Its hard when he says he just wants to kiss me, or I mean the world to him.
Those are just words. He didn't show that with his behaviour over the years and it is only now that he senses I could actually leave that he wants to put in the effort.
I think you got complacent, looking back do you see how your behaviour may have impacted on her feelings for you, do you think deep down you assumed she would never leave so continued your role in the marriage.
Like others have said, women tend to take a hell of a lot until they finally break. And quite often it is then too late.
I am trying to go back to being friends with my husband as we get along great. He is sleeping in another room, we are trying to separate some areas of our lives, but we are also going for a weekend away (in a twin room) to build on that friendship. If it brings a spark back then great, otherwise hopefully it helps us both come to terms with things.

I really struggle with his tears, his desire to tell me how much I mean, that he can't live without me etc.
I feel the weight of what happens next is on me. I have spent so long putting the family first and instead of him finding a way to come to terms with this, I feel he is unintentionally (?) guilting me into the idea that his life will be over if we split.
I know if he said that he agreed with separation, we would take the leap instantly, but because he doesn't want to I flit between what is the choice I should make.

I know it's hard, but understand the pressure and guilt she probably feels right now. Maybe admit to her that you would rather not separate, but understand that it might be the best option for now. Give her validation in her current decision instead of making it hard for her to choose.
Maybe you will come back to each other, maybe not, but other people shouldn't define our happiness. You will be OK in the end.

Sorry for the waffle but it cuts close to the bone for me right now.
Good luck.

This is great advice and definitely an incite to what she is feeling right now
Thank you for sharing

OP posts:
Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 13:13

WhatsTheStoryThisTime · 15/10/2022 07:58

Having being in a very similar position to your wife OP, I would question whether your head got turned???
Did all these years of resentment build up to you being awful for the past two years or did something or someone else take your fancy, and that’s when you took it out on your wife?
I might be barking up the wrong tree here, but if your wife were to post on here saying her unemotional husband has become much more detached and resentful of late, I know what us MNs would be saying…….
Give her the space, dignity and respect that she deserves, suggest counselling and if you really want her back, you’re going to have to prepare for some graft.

I can understand that thought process but I’ve never cheated, never wanted anyone else and I can’t imagine a life without her.

OP posts:
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