I’ve never felt such heart aching pain

[Viscera]

I’m not sure we can get past this and it’s all my fault

I’m 47 and my wife is 45, we have three early teenage children who we both adore and have put before our own needs, she is a wonderful mother and has told me the same as a father.
But we have ignored our own relationship issues and never spend time together alone.

I have a senior management role, it’s hard, often complicated stressful work.
My wife did work pre-children but doesn’t now as she has a bad back and also supports her parents (early 70’s) navigate life. I love them too they are great people.

In the last 18 months I began to get resentful of her life where she has the freedom to come and go as she pleases during the day, I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time) paying all bills, taking responsibility of finances, remortgaging, budgeting etc. In my mind I was providing and she wasn’t ‘doing’ so my resentment increased.

I didn’t see the emotional support she tried to provide as important and thought it was just words.
I’m a doer and she is a talker but with a depth of emotion and empathy I just don’t have, she is wonderful.

I shut myself down emotionally, what little I have, but continued to parent and I think that’s what has broken her, to see that I can love unequivocally, hug, kiss, smile with our kids.

I’m rambling, my head is all over the place.
She took her rings off 10 day’s ago and has told me, through honest tears she doesn’t love me anymore, needs space.

I’ve rejected her so many times through stress, resentment and personal unhappiness, her hugs, affection, attention.

For the first time in 20 years I’ve opened up to her, to someone!
It’s illuminating rather than a relief, I know what we could be and I am excited… but it’s too little too late… I’m almost sure.

She has asked for space and I’m trying but in my heart I know it’s too late.
I’d swap a lottery win for her.

This has been so hard to type out and admit .

You’re so right @Musti, I misspoke! Only meant to say that OP is manipulating with words.

Your ex wife reached the end of the road a long time ago op, you just didn't care enough to notice.

What you do next matters more to your children than anything else, if you support a separation, show compassion and generosity then I am sure you will retain a very strong relationship with them. Screw her over and you will lose them as well as her.

I would recommend counselling for support, I think you are going to need it.

Your ex wife has given you more than enough chances, and now she has finally checked out.
You are only now just realising how much you have to lose because you took it all for granted for so many years, expecting her to put up with your unkind mistreatment indefinitely.

I wish her well.

OP has checked out of the thread, I think. He was expecting a lot of women to soothe his aching heart and give him some ammo to hurt his wife with. Hopefully the fawners on here didn't give him too much succour.

"I'VE NEVER FELT SUCH HEARTBREAKING PAIN"

But you've dished it out though, havn't you.

In my experience, men don't listen until it's too late.

My ExH was a terrible flirt around women, when he was drunk. Really intolerable and I made my feelings very clear, repeatedly. I think he also cheated but can't prove it, but I know after a works event he stayed at a woman's apartment. He only showed remorse when I told him it was over. Only then did he promise the earth, want to go to counselling etc. Why he thought I would want to go to counselling with him, after years of not being listened to, is beyond me. For 20 years, I had been the perfect wife and mother of his children. Doing the lion's share at home and being disrespected by him constantly. Then it was over and he was shocked! LOL.

I am happily remarried now, but have to say, that still, I often don't feel "heard". I am mostly happy, but there is a lack of affection and no matter what I say, my DH doesn't attempt to fix the problem. He is wonderful in many ways, and are mostly happy and certainly good friends, but he really isn't listening to me on how I feel about this.

I think overall, men don't understand women, and don't try to understand them, if the status quo is working for them. They're not great listeners and are perhaps even incapable of understanding how a woman's mind works, and what women need. Even if it is spelled out repeatedly. They don't sit up and take notice until the shit really hits the fan. And by then, it's just too late.

Re your situation OP, your wife losing weight, taking off her rings, getting dolled up and staying over at someone else's overnight, all point towards either an affair and she's not staying at the friends house at all, or she wants to flirt with other men and maybe pick one up for a ONS, which she can do if she stays at her friends house.

Your comments are quite vague, as to what you actually did to her for the last 2 years. Are you saying you withheld sex and affection? If so, why? Don't you have a sex drive?

OP this is mumsnet and you’re a man - you will be labelled as abusive/manipulative/gaslighter etc regardless of what you post so ignore those who are calling you these things! Some women like to label men as abusive for the tiniest of reasons, I guess we’re all abusive in our own ways going by their logic!

obviously we don’t see your marriage 24/7 and I’m sure your wife feels unappreciated but in all honesty I’m not sure why she couldn’t be working part time to ease the pressure off your shoulders?

saying that, her working/not working isn’t the be all and end all here. It sounds like all communication has broken down and you’re both at fault for that. It’s rarely ever just 1 person to blame when a marriage ends.

Buying the dress wasn’t your best idea but you know that now. All I can suggest is you recommend marriage counselling (and by yourself too) and be active in that - research and say to your wife ‘I’ve found these 3 councillors which I think would be good for us regardless of the outcome’, show her your serious and don’t leave her to do it

i don’t think your a bad husband or a bad person FWIW. I just think this is a marriage which has broken down over the years because of many reasons

Good advice. And do listen to her. Best of luck to you both.

How did it go OP?

We told the children today
it was the worst day of my life and I’m not one for exaggerating things

This morning she also confessed to having met someone

@Viscera, I’m sorry that it’s come to this. The distance between you was clearly too far to surmount.

I assume her involvement with this OM played a part in her announcement several weeks ago. This news must have shocked you to the core.

I hope that you can find peace and strength. Consider IC to help you navigate the grieving process. You already know that your children will need lots of support. Their establishing a stable routine at both homes will help their adjustment.

I wish you well, Viscera.

What youre saying doesnt add up sir..
You are stuck at a desk 50 hours a week and you have no time for family
But then youre also claiming that you do all of the food shopping and cooking??

Haha very funny, when the kids were growing up did they and your wife all starve until you came home and cooked dinner at night?
How did you manage to make breakfast lunch and dinner 7 days a week 365 when you were never at home?

You resent your wife for being a homemaker despite the fact that she is disabled with back injuries a is a carer for her eldery parents
You punish her by withholding affection..
You sound like you need to live alone , you are dishonest and have zero empathy for anyone but yourself

So youre ignoring that she had to stop working because of her back?
The OP did not express any of this resentment to his wife, he didnt tell her that he wanted her to help contribute financially
He was silent and held it inside and punished her for his feelings, instead of just communicating

Cry me a river, you withhold affection and freeze her out , which is narcisstic abuse
And now youre hurt because she found someone else ..
What did you want her to do?
Stay with you and be miserable?
You didnt like her anyway remember? you said you resented her
Now you dont have to desl.with her anymore, you can be by yourself now, you dont have to provide for her anymore
Isnt that what you wanted??

Sorry this has happened. At least you now know she has met someone. I hope it works out for her and she gets the love she deserves. As for you, I hope you also find someone as this relationship clearly wasn’t right for either of you.

Some of the posts on here are quite frankly evil. I hope you can all sit comfortably in your ivory tower, knowing you've never set a foot wrong in your relationships, and if you do, I hope to goodness your partners aren't as unforgiving as many of you seem to be.

This is an awful situation for everyone involved, but I absolutely refuse to accept that the wife was completely and utterly blameless in this. And I say that as a SAHM myself. The OP has accepted he has behaved terribly and he is living to regret it, that's punishment enough. I can think of many men who've done far worse. The sad fact is that he noticed when it was simply too late to save his marriage. Some of the comments are quite frankly ridiculous! Have a heart people.

So sorry @Viscera , that must have been terrible for all concerned. To others pointing out how heartless they think you were, I think they should read their own replies here and review their own compassion for others, especially those who are brave and honest enough to admit that they are less than perfect (as we all are) and ask for advice on how to make things better. I’m sorry it was too late for changes to be made, and telling your children plus getting told your wife has met someone else whilst still in a relationship with you must have been absolutely heartbreaking. I hope things start to improve for you soon.

This would have been and very often is a very different response to when a female comes on here, when her DH has found another man.

MN is horrific at the minute.

We are assuming there are real people, going through the worst time, who come here looking for advice, support and a wider view.
Responses on here could be the final straw for some folks.

Ffs have a heart and show some compassion.

I have zero compassion for a man who comes on to a site for women to mope about his wife 🙄
Maybe he knows mumsnet is full of male identified women who will mommy him and tell him its the wifes fault, and wipe his tears

When women give their husbands the cold shoulder and withhold affection they are called unreasonable , out of order, manipulative bpd and the husbands are totally justified to have an affair

Why should anyone male or female put up with being intentionally rejected and ignored by a spouse?
And it is actually narcissistic abuse to do this to a person

Op played games with his marriage and he lost
He didnt give a monkeys about her before now hes heartbroken because someone else wants her
Give me a break

Forgot to put airquotes "heartbroke" because we all know OPs upset for himself

A dress "to stop the pain".

What a joke! Imagine her buying you a jumper now OP. It would make zero difference.

I can't actually believe you thought a dress would make her feel happy in amongst talks of divorce. You must think she's incredibly shallow.

I think you need to stop idolising her in your words. Stop with the patronising 'I publically tell people I'd have been a SAHD' as it's bullshit.

Lay low and give her time to think.

Fwiw, my partner of 16 years is a senior manager for a large firm and works hard. We have 3 kids and I was a SAHM for a while. My partner has never resented me. He knew his role was easier than mine. He had more professional stress but at least he didn't question where he'd live if we ever broke up. Or how he'd get back into a meaningful career for his own sanity and success. He didn't have three small children demanding things off him every hour of their waking day. Being a SAHP makes people very vulnerable and it's a truly thankless task.

To thank your wife for all she did, you stropped, moaned, and emotionally rejected her. All while acting like a top bloke to everyone else.

I'm sorry, but the signs were there. You just didn't want to believe she'd have the guts to leave you.

I think there is a LOT of projection on this thread.

I do also think you should respect what she's asking for.

You're a twat.

Has no one else noticed he's not actually giving her space. He's skulking around and in the spare room offering handholds and hugs. Oh and he's said more than once that she can move out if she wants. As in he's going nowhere/not leaving. 🙄

I really hope she is seeking legal advice.

I'd advise separate counselling for you and for her. Couples counseling isn't advised in abusive relationships, which is what this marriage has been.

you're getting a lot of replies here, and i have mostly skimmed so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said.

Have you looked deep within yourself to identify what it is that is causing you all this upset? Is it that you realise you're going to be alone? that you'll have to do everything for yourself? or is it that you honestly really want to win the love of your life back?

I'm very sorry for the breakdown of your family unit, but in truth this breakdown occured 2 years ago.

I cannot emphasise enough how painful it is for a loyal partner to be emotionally cut off, to be rejected and de humanised at the whim of another person. What on earth possesed you to treat her with such contempt and distain when in fact you still wished her to remain with you ?
Happy to tell her to leave and that you were unconcerned for treating her so badly, I cannot fathom some people out, to the posters saying your behaviour was not too bad, they clearly have not experienced stonewalling, de humanising and contemptuous behaviour on a daily long standing basis.
It is soul destroying.

It appears it could have been linked with her weight, which shows you never viewed her as a whole person, a person who gave her life to you and your children. You did play a game of chance with your marriage and at the age of 45 your wife was still a young woman with chances, she's taken those chances due to your neglect and abuse.

I do not agree with affairs and your wife is wrong for that so now all that can be done is to make the transition as kind as possible for your children.

Why are you demonizing The wife??
From OPs own words she has done nothing to him and he caused this
Youre so desperate to blame the woman