I’ve never felt such heart aching pain

[Viscera]

I’m not sure we can get past this and it’s all my fault

I’m 47 and my wife is 45, we have three early teenage children who we both adore and have put before our own needs, she is a wonderful mother and has told me the same as a father.
But we have ignored our own relationship issues and never spend time together alone.

I have a senior management role, it’s hard, often complicated stressful work.
My wife did work pre-children but doesn’t now as she has a bad back and also supports her parents (early 70’s) navigate life. I love them too they are great people.

In the last 18 months I began to get resentful of her life where she has the freedom to come and go as she pleases during the day, I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time) paying all bills, taking responsibility of finances, remortgaging, budgeting etc. In my mind I was providing and she wasn’t ‘doing’ so my resentment increased.

I didn’t see the emotional support she tried to provide as important and thought it was just words.
I’m a doer and she is a talker but with a depth of emotion and empathy I just don’t have, she is wonderful.

I shut myself down emotionally, what little I have, but continued to parent and I think that’s what has broken her, to see that I can love unequivocally, hug, kiss, smile with our kids.

I’m rambling, my head is all over the place.
She took her rings off 10 day’s ago and has told me, through honest tears she doesn’t love me anymore, needs space.

I’ve rejected her so many times through stress, resentment and personal unhappiness, her hugs, affection, attention.

For the first time in 20 years I’ve opened up to her, to someone!
It’s illuminating rather than a relief, I know what we could be and I am excited… but it’s too little too late… I’m almost sure.

She has asked for space and I’m trying but in my heart I know it’s too late.
I’d swap a lottery win for her.

This has been so hard to type out and admit .

We have a joint bank account, I’m not some sort of Victorian husband giving her pin money

A day out together was just a chance to reconnect and spend time together without children

She actually buys my clothes as I’m terrible at shopping and fashion.

I reckon she’s got the ick OP - and there’s no way back from that…

That's unfair. My husband worked 64 hours last week, he does similar most weeks. He also does our weekly shop & cooks.

Ive never considered my behaviour as abusive, I’m shocked that it could be the case so posting here has been useful

Of course you haven't. I don't imagine any abuser ever considers their behaviour to be abusive. Too busy thinking about yourself and your own feelings to ever wonder what effect you're having on the people around you. I expect it made you feel very powerful and important to ignore and belittle your wife, push her away and scapegoat her in front of your children.

The post from @HaggisBurger is an important one OP. Do have a read.

But also, your language is very telling. When you say "all of you would love her" you're describing women as a homogenous group. It's a tell. It's very sexist.

I just meant that she is an amazing person, women, men, children and pets all love her, she is fantastic, outgoing and friendly.
All of you

I think maybe you are reading too much into that.

I don’t think that’s fair and I certainly don’t feel powerful or get some sort of power trip if that’s what you’re implying

We don’t actually argue, just ignore each other when we are hurting, when the children are around we are pretty normal and comfortable around each other and talk normally clicking into parent and partner mode seamlessly

Lack of honesty in the way we feel has caused this, along with piss poor communication.

I just meant that she is an amazing person, women, men, children and pets all love her, she is fantastic, outgoing and friendly.
All of you

So why did you treat her like crap ?

Can you explain how you abused her over two years to break her ?

I mean, how dare you expext another chance when you have admitted to intentionally, willfully and purposely abusing her for years, why the sudden revalation.

I really can't accept you're a reformed character.

If a woman had been posting that her husband had been losing weight and needed space with a history of texting an ex I think the response would be cherchie la femme. I suspect that 'J' may be back on the scene.

That's not what you said in your OP. You described how you consistently rejected her, refused to show love or affection, felt resentful towards her, and showed affection to the children which you withheld from her.

Now it's suddenly the two of you who both do this? Yet in your OP, you described her as a talker, as making overtures towards you, trying to get your attention.

I think you're just full of shit, tbh.

*I don’t think that’s fair and I certainly don’t feel powerful or get some sort of power trip if that’s what you’re implying

We don’t actually argue, just ignore each other when we are hurting,
when the children are around we are pretty normal and comfortable around
each other and talk normally clicking into parent and partner mode
seamlessly

Lack of honesty in the way we feel has caused this, along with piss poor communication*

But it didn't break you did it ?
Why did it not break you ?

You by the sounds of it were the purpitraitor and were in the possition for this to end.

Very cruel. You are now trying to explain that it was both of you who were abusive.

Which is it?

Mid range narcissist, who think's he's clever.

Yep. The title of his post gave him away.

I get it OP. If I were working 50hrs a week because my income was needed to support the family, I would feel resentful too. I have children. I've looked after them full time and I've also worked full time. I'm not saying that looking after children full time isn't difficult, I'd argue it's more difficult than working... when they're young. But by the time they're in school full time then there's a lot of hours in the day that don't involve looking after children. That's when I'd start to feel like the financial burden should be shared. Which would then also allow you to have more time to be around for the kids. I don't know if it's too late, but I do understand.

OP this podcast episode may help

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-motherkind-podcast/id1295306961?i=1000581007260

She isn’t abusive, I’ve never said that nor indicated it

We haven’t communicated well at all and that’s mostly down to me, I accept that.

Thank you, I’m really confused as to what is reasonable to expect

Indeed anyone who feels pain at the potential loss of a relationship must be a narcissus.

That's when I'd start to feel like the financial burden should be shared.

And if she isn't able to work they need cut back to what they can afford with him not working in a role he resents.

I get it OP. If I were working 50hrs a week because my income was needed to support the family, I would feel resentful too

Yes to feel resentful and then to talk about your resntment, but not launch a campaigne of abuse, where you readily agree you have broken your wife, emotionally detatched, neglected and belittled her wants and needs, continuing to be happy in front of your children, whilst your wife has a nervous breakdown.

This diatribe is self serving crap, I would personally rather speak to your wife because I would put money on the fact you have had an affair, and the excuse you gave yourself was because she got fat.

Eh?

She hasn’t had a nervous breakdown, she is in control and needs time and space (her words), she doesn’t feel in love with me due to hurt and anger, I totally understand that, as hard as it is to hear.

As to me having an affair, wtf?
No, have a bet if you like.
I have no need to lie.

I don’t know why you are mentioning her weight, it’s not important to me, she was beautiful before and also now, I like the fact she is body confident and happier, it’s also better for her back and health generally.
She lost weight with her a friendship group, entirely her choice.

Oh sorry about that ...

It's just that it sounds like the desperate cry of a man caught with his pants down

Not a man who just wants to reduce his hours 😘

Back on track with the narrative, my bad.

No problem, thanks for your time and input

I'm not sure why a lot of posters on this thread are adding 2+2 to get 5 here, but a lot of assumptions are being made, and I don't think you deserve the pasting you are getting, OP. Relationship breakdown is very rarely the fault of only one person.

If I may say so, it sounds like you haven't really 'seen' your wife, properly, for years. By that I mean, you are in a relationship where she feels taken for granted. That possibly works both ways - it sounds like it does.

You have acknowledged that things need to seriously change on the communication front. Wish you both well in finding a solution that works for you both - whether together or apart.

Might be worth looking up attachment theory - you sound like an 'avoidant' type.

My DH shut me out completely for a number of year (he was having MH issues) it broke me, gave me PTSD and his denial that anything was wrong and they he was shutting me out was gaslighting.

We are still together BUT I too had detached, got myself in a place ready to leave. At that point of me telling him I was leaving it took him a week to break and admit that he loved me and what he had down.

It took me years to forgive, to get emotionally close again.

I will never love him truly, madly, deeply again. The trauma of what he did still surfaces in my therapy 8 years later. It gave me an existential crises and changed me forever.

I don't regret staying and making it work, it's amazing how much forgiveness you can have for someone that has hurt you so much.

Not sure if my post helps at all. But yeah your behaviour has been emotionally abusive and so so hurtful. I hope your DW is more emotionally resilient than I was.

She went out last night with her friends and stayed at her bestie’s house

She looked so hot and amazing, I told her so (didn’t say hot, didn’t want to creep her out), I definitely have been blind, you are right.

I’ll Google that thanks.
I do avoid conflict whereas she will follow me room to room to make a point