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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve never felt such heart aching pain

225 replies

Viscera · 14/10/2022 23:12

I’m not sure we can get past this and it’s all my fault

I’m 47 and my wife is 45, we have three early teenage children who we both adore and have put before our own needs, she is a wonderful mother and has told me the same as a father.
But we have ignored our own relationship issues and never spend time together alone.

I have a senior management role, it’s hard, often complicated stressful work.
My wife did work pre-children but doesn’t now as she has a bad back and also supports her parents (early 70’s) navigate life. I love them too they are great people.

In the last 18 months I began to get resentful of her life where she has the freedom to come and go as she pleases during the day, I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time) paying all bills, taking responsibility of finances, remortgaging, budgeting etc. In my mind I was providing and she wasn’t ‘doing’ so my resentment increased.

I didn’t see the emotional support she tried to provide as important and thought it was just words.
I’m a doer and she is a talker but with a depth of emotion and empathy I just don’t have, she is wonderful.

I shut myself down emotionally, what little I have, but continued to parent and I think that’s what has broken her, to see that I can love unequivocally, hug, kiss, smile with our kids.

I’m rambling, my head is all over the place.
She took her rings off 10 day’s ago and has told me, through honest tears she doesn’t love me anymore, needs space.

I’ve rejected her so many times through stress, resentment and personal unhappiness, her hugs, affection, attention.

For the first time in 20 years I’ve opened up to her, to someone!
It’s illuminating rather than a relief, I know what we could be and I am excited… but it’s too little too late… I’m almost sure.

She has asked for space and I’m trying but in my heart I know it’s too late.
I’d swap a lottery win for her.

This has been so hard to type out and admit .

OP posts:
Kissingfrogs25 · 15/10/2022 08:29

My post may sound harsh, and I am not intending to hurt you in any way.
What you have done is far more serious than you seem to realise.

Withdrawing all emotional and physical comfort and affection, for years, is abuse.

Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 08:39

hattie43 · 15/10/2022 05:30

I feel some posters here just come on as man haters . If the tables were turned they would give very different responses and I've seen plenty of women on here bemoan being the main or sole breadwinner feeling resentful get a huge amount of support . Some responses here are just unnecessarily nasty .

FEIW I think it's understandable how you have arrived at this point . You have both had enormous pressures on you , career and long hours and your wife with demanding caring pressures . She has asked for time and space and I would give it but ask first that you both sit down , listen to each other's viewpoint , agree that you've both been absorbed with your individual pressures and decide how things could be done differently. Eg could you hybrid work from home a couple of days to be around when the kids come home ,
Have a plan so when she has her quiet space she can think about whether these new found commitments could work . The problem would be if she says she no longer loves you as that's something that can't be forced .
Good luck OP

Hi Hattie

thank you for taking the time to respond.

I work from home a few days a week so do most of the evening meals as she hates cooking and I actually like it, a form of stress relief I think
We do have a balanced domestic life that’s not an issue or something we fuss and fight over.

I’m giving her space, or trying to, sleeping in the spare room.
I just want to hold her hand, hug her but right now she’s not ready and so hurt

OP posts:
BeautifulWar · 15/10/2022 08:46

I think the only way forward is couple's counselling. It's the only way to show that you're willing to put in effort and fight for your relationship.

I'm not going to be critical. We're all human, we all fuck up.

Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 08:49

MsDogLady · 15/10/2022 05:34

@Viscera, you haven’t cherished your Wife. You created so much distance between you by resenting her, devaluing her loving efforts, and rejecting her affection/attention while withholding yours. Saying you ‘missed the signs’ of her pain is disingenuous, as you were choosing to hurt her. You never expected her to actually draw a line.

Despite stressors, you’re warm and interested in your children…and I assume you show kindness and respect to your friends and colleagues. Yet you felt validated by depriving your W. In her shoes, I’d have wondered if your head had been turned.

I imagine she is very concerned about your children being exposed to this unhealthy relationship model, which they could emulate in their future relationships.

@Viscera, she’s asked for space so give her that. No more gifts or pick-me-dance. Consider seeking individual counseling for support and coping strategies, and to examine why you felt validated by making your Wife feel so small.

All fair points
I am the one who has created the distance between us, I couldn’t open up and kept everything inside me believing that I was strong enough to cope with anything and that I didn’t need her.
How painfully wrong I am

I am the one responsible for this marriage breakdown and I have told her so and owned it.

We have hidden this from the kids quite well but we both agree that we can’t go on living a lie just for their sake, it could end up toxic and we love them more than that.

OP posts:
pocketvenuss · 15/10/2022 08:55

FreudayNight · 15/10/2022 00:36

But you weren’t ever going to stop treating her badly were you. You just assumed she should put up with whatever way you treated her.

It is an absolute joke for you to say you would e a stay at home dad (now that they are heading to secondary!). How could you be so utterly clueless to feel resentful after your wife has done the hard graft?

it seems quite clear to me that you still have no concept as to what is going on here. The fact your wife was a SAHM means she sacrificed her financial security for your family. You abused that trust by proving yourself to be intolerable to live with: imagine that! The message is “you are impossible to live with.” Your poor wife has squandered her career and financial security on you, and you’ve trashed it. That’s unconscionable, and unforgivable. And you have been walking around with your head in a miasma of entitlement and resentfulness.

Presumably your version is the sanitized one- I hardly dare ask how your resentfulness was manifested to your wife. What words and actions demonstrated to her your dissatisfaction with her.

Jesus. The OP has been very open and frank about their misunderstandings and judgement and your response is to kick him. Not particularly good at constructive criticism are you. Just 'kick him while he's down' kind of criticism. Not the most reconstructed or emotionally developed kind of individual are you.

Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 08:57

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/10/2022 05:40

I have also said very publicly I would be a stay at home dad given that chance

With three early teens you must have had 3 under.5 at some point. I bet 1000 pounds you wouldn't actually have wanted to be a SAHD then. Because it's incredibly hard. Much harder than 50 hour weeks. And shopping is a lovely break. We call those talks, "baby avoidance" tasks. I'm curious how you cook for everyone if you do 50 your weeks. I mean when do you all eat? Surely when the kids were younger you would both have had to cook.

And buying a dress? Let you tell you a little story. About 30 years ago I did some work experience on a building site. I was 15 and I think the only girl (or woman) the builders had ever worked with. I grafted and spent my time getting on with everyone. At the end, my gaffer acknowledged my hard work and said, "I want to get you something... ummm a dress?" hopefully. I thought at 15, "blimey, he doesn't know women does he?". That a married father of 3, middle aged and married a couple of decades would think a dress fixes his two years of emotional nonsense is beyond me.

My suggestion, get counselling for yourself. Suggest counselling for you both. It's useful whether you are together or apart. Be honest. Stop with the platitudes about how wonderful she is and how you think she's blah blah blah. Neither a pedestal or a purgatory is what she needs. Honesty. You don't actually really properly value her role. Not really. Or you would have the last two years. So say so and let her decide on the true state of things.

I’ll take that bet and double it, she will admit that too. Our parenting skills are on par and not in question.

The dress was stupid in hindsight, I just wanted to stop her pain for a moment, it wasn’t a plaster or “job done”…

You are right, until now I haven’t valued her role in bringing up 3 well balanced amazing children who excel at school and are happy in life because of her emotional maturity and support

OP posts:
pocketvenuss · 15/10/2022 08:58

Musti · 15/10/2022 00:47

If you work 50 hours a week plus commute I doubt you do the shopping and the cooking. I doubt you lift a finger because if you did you would know that she doesn’t have the easy job. Working is bloody easy when you don’t have to lift a finger at home. When your kids are taken care of, when your clothes get cleaned and put away, when everything is sorted. It is a charmed life that mostly only men with a partner get to experience.

Stop making shit up. The OP has given us a breakdown. You randomly just invalidating it is completely pointless. You just create a whole imaginary scenario to fulfil your rhetoric is weird and not at all balanced.

LuluBlakey1 · 15/10/2022 08:59

Did this really come out of the blue when she took her rings off and told you? Or had she tried to tell you before?

Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 09:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/10/2022 05:44

I feel some posters here just come on as man haters

I know there are always these comments. There are two things that are interesting:

  1. Most of the women who are harshest, me included, have incredible men in their lives. Warm, strong, caring, hard-working, sharing men. I love mine a great deal. That's why we have no time for the other sort.
  1. The entire internet is built for and by men. There are a thousand places OP could go for "what a fucking bitch, you're better off". I can reel them off if that's what he wants. However he's here. MN has a different perspective. You don't get "you go girl" nonsense here. But you do get a tough and harsh view of what women think without it being dipped in sugar. That's valuable.

Harsh is what I need to hear, it’s the only way I can understand her point of view and actively seek resolution, I’m really trying

OP posts:
Celarra · 15/10/2022 09:06

You are getting a really hard time on here.

Real life is bloody hard. The expectations on everyone in a family massive, to keep jobs, pay bills, provide experiences for kids.
I work long hours in a senior role, sometimes I can't speak by the evening, let alone shop, clean and do chores as other PP’s are accusing you of slacking with.

With an exDH, I'm not so quick to criticize and suggest your marriage is over. It maybe but both of you need to rethink. You've started talking.

Your children are older, your wife will have more time. What does she want to do with her working life? Would she feel better about herself if she contributed (hobby/talent that she could earn from, part time work,). How do you even up your roles? Can you lessen your hours to support your family more?

For those on here who glibbly say your marriage is over. This is no easy option. Divorce and managing family and working life, managing emotions, managing time is so much harder post divorce.

Communicate, really listen to her and she to you. Be brave, think outside of the box, no problem solving ideas are off the table if they solve the issues in your marriage.

Firecarrier · 15/10/2022 09:08

You need to go to couples counselling together if your wife will agree.

Unfortunately there are some real misandrists on here.

beastlyslumber · 15/10/2022 09:23

It's not midandry. The guy has been emotionally abusing his wife. He's now on here seeking sympathy, validation, support and presumably he thought he would get some ideas about how to convince his wife to stay and tolerate his abuse. "I'm so sorry, forgive me, I love you, I can't live without you..." I bet she's heard it all before.

If you really care about this woman, OP, pay for her to have some therapy. And let her leave.

clyspa · 15/10/2022 09:36

I also think done if the responses here are OTT. The woman ran a family (something done if us do and work btw) which is hard, draining and unpaid and certainly unappreciated alit of the time, but as someone on both sides - it's also hard to manage things when your job has your time and energy and you feel the weight of responsibility for paying for the family to keep going.

She's also not a child, she can also do something to help express her feelings or help herself generally - it can't all be about the husband not being/giving/appreciating - like it's all one sided.

You need to stop clutching at your pearls OP! You need to listen to her but also look for solutions and changes from both of you.

Hopefully it's not over and there's also possibly an element of her wanting to change her life and you are the easiest thing to change.

She's still young, the kids are now only going to get independent. What does she want to do next?

Ultimately though the kids and parents you have helped her support them, might not be much fun looking after kids or parents but she's actually not done it alone / you' ve helped create the situation that gives her the choices (bad as they may be) to have done that.

Lillonely · 15/10/2022 09:36

I agree I don’t think it’s man bashing, as a PP said I think the women commenting with strong reactions are probably of 3 kinds :

  1. have a partner who’s an absolute diamond so they know first hand that all blokes aren’t like this
  2. have lived with a man like this and travelled the same road and ultimately arrived at the same destination as OPs wife, so can empathise with her
  3. have been close to someone like OPs wife and watched the damage this sort of treatment causes again with empathy for OPs wife

we’re also just getting his side, and whilst he’s being open and honest, it’s his version of events and we don’t know (as they’ve not been communicating) how it’s really made her feel.

OhMerde · 15/10/2022 09:58

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/10/2022 05:44

I feel some posters here just come on as man haters

I know there are always these comments. There are two things that are interesting:

  1. Most of the women who are harshest, me included, have incredible men in their lives. Warm, strong, caring, hard-working, sharing men. I love mine a great deal. That's why we have no time for the other sort.
  1. The entire internet is built for and by men. There are a thousand places OP could go for "what a fucking bitch, you're better off". I can reel them off if that's what he wants. However he's here. MN has a different perspective. You don't get "you go girl" nonsense here. But you do get a tough and harsh view of what women think without it being dipped in sugar. That's valuable.

I think I love you!

Cheminaufaules · 15/10/2022 10:02

@Viscera make your mantra 'be kind in thought, word, and deed'. And you won't go far wrong. Say it out loud every morning several times. Whisper it if you don't want her to hear. Think about what each word means and imagine yourself doing it in practice.

Agree with @MsDogLady when they talk of 'cherished'. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that your wife wants to be cherished. Rightly so, since she is the mother of your beautiful DC and she is your life partner.

Cheminaufaules · 15/10/2022 10:07

It might be helpful for you to really closely analyse the context which led to you feeling resentment. Nobody feels resentment out of the blue. There will be a context. You might have to think about this very deeply as it might be something that isn't obvious.
Go back to when you first felt resentment and try to think what was happening.
For example, were you arriving home from having worked all day and your wife seemed calm and happy while you were stressed? Then go further, and analyse if that was really the case, or is your wife one of life's quiet copers?
Might there have been third party, indirect influence? For example, could you have mentioned to someone that you do all the cooking, and it was met with surprise that your wife was not doing it, since you were working all day?
These are just two examples, but there are a whole host of reasons why you started to resent your wife and only you can analyse that. It sounds like you have realised there is nothing intrinsic to your wife which caused you to feel the way you did, so look at the context!

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 15/10/2022 10:16

I feel some posters here just come on as man haters . If the tables were turned they would give very different responses and I've seen plenty of women on here bemoan being the main or sole breadwinner feeling resentful get a huge amount of support . Some responses here are just unnecessarily nasty .

^ Absolutely agree with this.

I hope things work out for you, OP.

Thereisnolight · 15/10/2022 10:23

TedMullins · 15/10/2022 00:55

I think you’re getting an unfair pasting here OP. I’m sure you’re not a blameless saint and probably have been unsupportive to her in ways that have impacted her over the years but you’re not unreasonable to also feel how you do. The dynamic with one parent working and one staying at home is a massive power imbalance. The SAH partner may feel unsupported with chores, life admin and family labour while you are shouldering the entire pressure of earning to keep a roof over your heads and a different kind of stress with work.

@Is there a reason she didn’t go back to work once the children were in school? Personally I don’t think in this day and age it’s a good dynamic. She didn’t “squander her financial security and future” for the family as someone else said, that makes it sound like she had no agency in the decision to stay home and was forced into it. She didn’t do this any more than you worked yourself into an early grave at that expense of your family. Presumably it was a joint decision to have those roles.

Is there any way you can cut hours or look for a less stressful job to ease the pressure? Could she take on any part time work around her caring responsibilities for her parents? Obviously in a cost of living crisis cutting hours isn’t ideal but depending on your financial situation, if you can take the hit, your health is important.

As well as thinking about a redistribution of responsibilities, it sounds like it’s time for marriage counselling. You’ve clearly not been communicating well for some time and you might need the prompting of a counsellor to get those issues out and properly work through them.

Yes I agree.
Look honestly at yourself and your marriage. Your children are teens now. She blames you but what about her? How much does she love you? How well does she treat you? If she wants to leave, would it really be so bad if you split?

Thereisnolight · 15/10/2022 10:24

OhMerde · 15/10/2022 09:58

I think I love you!

Show quote history

This is true too though, and thanks for the reminder!

Cheminaufaules · 15/10/2022 10:28

@Thereisnolight OP said he would swap a lottery win for her so I think that it would be very bad for the OP if she were to leave!

Cheminaufaules · 15/10/2022 10:30

Sorry, assumed OP was male. Apologies if not!

Thereisnolight · 15/10/2022 10:37

@Cheminaufaules He (or she)may think that now but maybe he’s panicking - also used to seeing himself as being in the wrong all the time. Bit of space might clear his head and give some perspective.
I think it would be a bad idea to beg a partner to return on condition that you grovel to them for evermore. I’d say this if the partner was male or female.

However the point made above that this site exists mainly to try to centre the female and give her POV is very fair. OP can go elsewhere for male back-slapping.

Musti · 15/10/2022 10:41

I am absolutely not a man hater, I have amazing brothers and a father and some exes. But the majority of couples I know, the woman takes on the brunt of stuff. Most of the women I know, even when they work, do the majority of housework and childcare.

Many fathers haven’t had to juggle everything and have no idea how relentless it is.

And op has gone from working 50 hours a week and commenting to also working some days from home.

Running a home with 3 kids, a husband and elderly parents won’t be easy. She may be doing it with grace and not being dramatic like op for doing her duty but it won’t be easy. And it is blatant that you don’t appreciate how easy she has made your life by looking after everything so you can just go to work and not worry about doing anything or organising anything and then come home and relax.

The op would like to be a sahd would he? Op have you discussed it with her. Did you discuss it when the kids were young?

If you don’t enjoy your work have you looked into changing it? Because I absolutely adore my job - I’d do it for free.

I can’t believe that you think buying her a dress is the answer to this op. Your wife has felt invalidated, has had no emotional support and love for a few years and you buy her a dress.

I hope your wife finds a job she enjoys, splits custody with you so she can enjoy some responsibility-free time and find someone she can have fun with who loves and appreciates her.

serenaisaknobhead · 15/10/2022 10:59

Haven't read through everything but from what you've said it doesn't sound irreparable.

Give her the space she needs and then, if she is willing, get yourselves into couples counselling.

It will help you both to communicate without blame. It will help you to see things from one another's point of view and hopefully, if it's what you both decide you want, your relationship will grow.

But it has to be something you both want and are willing to do.