I’ve never felt such heart aching pain

[Viscera]

I’m not sure we can get past this and it’s all my fault

I’m 47 and my wife is 45, we have three early teenage children who we both adore and have put before our own needs, she is a wonderful mother and has told me the same as a father.
But we have ignored our own relationship issues and never spend time together alone.

I have a senior management role, it’s hard, often complicated stressful work.
My wife did work pre-children but doesn’t now as she has a bad back and also supports her parents (early 70’s) navigate life. I love them too they are great people.

In the last 18 months I began to get resentful of her life where she has the freedom to come and go as she pleases during the day, I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time) paying all bills, taking responsibility of finances, remortgaging, budgeting etc. In my mind I was providing and she wasn’t ‘doing’ so my resentment increased.

I didn’t see the emotional support she tried to provide as important and thought it was just words.
I’m a doer and she is a talker but with a depth of emotion and empathy I just don’t have, she is wonderful.

I shut myself down emotionally, what little I have, but continued to parent and I think that’s what has broken her, to see that I can love unequivocally, hug, kiss, smile with our kids.

I’m rambling, my head is all over the place.
She took her rings off 10 day’s ago and has told me, through honest tears she doesn’t love me anymore, needs space.

I’ve rejected her so many times through stress, resentment and personal unhappiness, her hugs, affection, attention.

For the first time in 20 years I’ve opened up to her, to someone!
It’s illuminating rather than a relief, I know what we could be and I am excited… but it’s too little too late… I’m almost sure.

She has asked for space and I’m trying but in my heart I know it’s too late.
I’d swap a lottery win for her.

This has been so hard to type out and admit .

John Gorman has a new book coming out. The 7 Day love Prescription. Seven easy easy tasks to do over a week that COMPLETELY change things got the better.

Get it. Do it. It'll work.

John Gottman

Some of these responses are really clutching at straws to make OP a bogeyman. Trust me, I’ve seen my fair share of abusive, useless, sexist, unappreciative and emotionally constipated idiot men, including my own father who takes my mother for granted and doesn’t lift a finger and has done all his life. My starting point is usually to believe and listen to women and regard men with a degree of suspicion because almost all of them harbour misogynist leanings to some degree - that’s the society were brought up in, it’s inescapable.

But OP here is actually being very reflective and opening up and is willing to right the wrongs he’s responsible for. An abuser wouldn’t do that. I agree that bottling up his emotion and withdrawing from his wife is bad and damaging for both of them, and buying the dress was very ill advised. But the point is he’s recognised this and wants to change and make amends. That takes guts and humility. As I said before I’m sure he isn’t blameless and has done things wrong but it’s like some people just have their fingers in their ears because he has a penis.

There also seems to be an assumption that the wife is a victim with no agency of her own. I absolutely agree women as a class are victimised by patriarchal ideals and expectations but on an individual level, every woman has the ability to stand up for themselves and say no, and push back on these expectations. I was brought up by a SAHM and dad who worked away (although she got a job when I started school) and my mum is a people pleaser, my dad is emotionally stunted and their domestic labour was absolutely not shared equally. But instead of absorbing that and repeating that dynamic in my own life I decided it was everything I DIDN’T want to be, and I speak up for myself. Women are not a homogenous group who are all socialised to play the quiet little nurturer and unable to get out of that mindset. I find a lot of these posts infantilising to OP’s wife as if she wasn’t also an individual with agency in this marriage. OP and his wife seemingly BOTH left it far too long to voice their concerns.

As for disregarding and rubbishing the fact that OP was the sole earner while the wife broke her back running the home, this just reads as bitterness from other SAHPs who feel resented by their own partners. Being the sole earner, having the costs of the family home and food and heating and everything else resting only on your head, IS stressful. Have any of you trashing OP ever been in that position or lived alone where all costs were on you? It’s a lot. Without him in this role, she wouldn’t have been able to SAH at all. I take the point she has a bad back and none of us know how debilitating this is in terms of being able to work, but I too would feel resentment at a non working partner once the children were in school, especially as teens. I also wouldn’t be cooking the dinners if I’m honest. I don’t think working absolves men (or anyone) of any domestic or parenting responsibility but I do think it’s fair to expect most of it to fall on the SAHP especially on weekdays. Moreover I just don’t think that dynamic is really good for anyone. It’s bound to create a power imbalance even in the most equal and enlightened of couples. We could get into a wider conversation here about society and the cost of childcare and all of those factors are true and valid, but ultimately the truth is this set up doesn’t appear to have done any good for OP or his wife.

I absolutely understand why she might also feel resentful of him having the earning power and freedom money brings, and other benefits of work like carving out an identity beyond family life. But they both chose this set up and both have to take responsibility for the issues it’s caused. It’s not all on OP. Maybe the relationship is done and she feels the damage is too great to come back from - that’s absolutely her right. But creating a scenario where she did everything right and OP did everything wrong just invalidates and ignores the nuances of the situation.

PS why did you say "very publically" that you'd be a SAHD? That sounds showy. I would doubt you'd ever actually take action to become one. It sounds like something you said for effect. I could be wrong, but your thread title suggests you're prone to hyperbole.

No one's saying she did everything right and he did everything wrong. I am saying his treatment of his wife is abuniversal.

He's not reflecting. He's just feeling sorry for himself.

She did take matters into her own hand - she’s leaving.

and b) yes I have been both a sahm and a worker responsible for bills and everything and now I’m a single mum and do both and it is fine. I work, I pay my bills do all housework, cooking and childcare except the childcare is split with my ex. I still do more because I do all the doctor, dentists appointments, the school stuff etc but it is extremely easy now that I don’t have to do it all myself all the time. What I don’t have to put up with is a man who thinks his role is harder and more important because he pays the bills. I became a sahm because it made sense for our family. Not because I wanted an easy life. I love my job and would have preferred to have split it with my ex. What happened with my ex when I did go back to work after my first is that I worked full time and still did the majority of childcare and housework. After I had my other 3 it made no financial and practical sense for me to work.

Before I had kids I thought my dad had a harder life because my mum was ‘just’ a sahm. Since experiencing being a sahm I no longer believe that. And my father has always told us that he couldn’t have done his work properly or achieved what he’s achieved without my mum running the show at home and having her support. But it took me experiencing it to truly understand that.

The op doesn’t respect his wife and her massive contribution. He thinks he’s bankrolled her whilst she sits on her bum and has stated that.

Well now he’ll be able to experience for himself what working and looking after a home and kids entails. As will his ex. And when he’s upset he can buy himself a new suit to make himself feel better or something.

Saying that he’d be a SAHD is absolutely belittling her sacrifices and contribution to the family. No wonder the dress was such a bitter pill.

It must certainly not fabrication as op has admitted it freely on here himself. What further evidence would we possibly need?

The way he diminishes her contribution is very telling.

*It’s most

Also love the way that the op says he works 50 hours plus has commuting and does all the shopping and cooking but then when it doesn’t tally up he says he works from home on some days (so 8-5? Pretty normal, I’d say) and he cooks most of the evening meals….

Who does the washing up? Who makes the meals on the other evenings, who does the other meals (because I have teens and they don’t just eat once a day). He is massively over egging his own contribution.

Who dusts, hoovers, cleans the toilets, does the school runs, sorts gifts and parents evenings, who takes the kids to and from school, to and from their part time jobs. Who declutters and takes the kids shopping for their shoes and clothes. Who organises the stuff for their school trips. Who washes and changes the bedsheets? Who deep cleans the kitchen? Who does the gardening? Who decorated the house for Xmas and buy everyone’s Xmas presents? Who helps the kids with their homework? Who deals with teens age angst? Who pays for and organises their sports and activities and makes sure they have the equipment? Who takes them to sports competitions? Who decides what shopping you need and what meals will be made? Who organises your nights out or day trips or holidays? Who makes sure that you all have the clothes for those holidays? Who organises the babysitters (if you still need one).

Did you speak to her about your resentment of her not working? Are you struggling financially so her financial contribution would have helped? And if she had started working would you have lessened your hours and would you have taken over some housework and childcare or is she expected to do both? Also, would she have the freedom to work 50 hours plus commute too? (Because I know I wouldn’t have been able to because it would have negatively impacted my kids).

I can understand that thought process but I’ve never cheated, never wanted anyone else and I can’t imagine a life without her

Yes they are useful those wives arn't they ?

I doubt any woman on this thread believes that you were not cheating in some way, emotionally perhaps, whist you were busy de humanising your wife are you sure there wasn't someone influencing your behaviour, it's usually the case, a new best friend in the background male or female that was pushing your detatchment for their own agenda.

You've spent two years, sadistically pushing away the person who has supported you throughout your life, given birth and brought up your children and now magically you have seen the light. I don't buy it, your effort now is purely selfish and self serving, the damage is done, you have hardened her heart and she has now seen the REAL you.

She's been used alright, what a mug she has been, your relationship has been fractured and for what ? a two year sulk, two years, is that two years of pushing her away physically, sexually and emotionally ?
Wow, the sustained effort on your part must have been such a power trip, how utterly cruel that you admit to breaking her to the point she must have felt her own home no longer felt safe and now you wish to end her suffering. You have shown her you are capable of torturing the person he professes to care for, if I were her I would doubt anything you ever said forever more.

And still being affectionate to your children throughout this period, (showing her you were capable of love and not just depressed) essentially scapegoating your wife, shows you were capable of using others to destroy your wifes mental and physical health.
What's the next step if she doesn't fall in line, a smear campaign ?

No there are other reasons behind this, not just your resentfulness of being the main breadwinner, I don't believe it and I'm sure your wife doesn't.

If I were her I would run, you arn't pleasant or kind.

This thread has made me so sad. It's such a reminder that almost all men, however much they love their kids and are good dads, simply do not understand the superhuman effort and sacrifice that mothers put in to the early years. Particularly (but not exclusively) if they choose to be SAHMs.
OP, I doubt she can move beyond this. Some women choose to shrink their own needs forever because it's the easier way. I'm glad for her she's taking control of her life back now the children are older.

Agree with @Fraaahnces

OP didn't say he wasn't appreciative of the "superhuman"?! effort in the early years but said he started to feel resentful in the last couple of years. There is no reason for someone of 45 to be a SAHM to three teenagers. It's an easy life compared to working a stressful job as they don't require the hard graft young children do. I am speaking as someone who works full time with three teenagers myself.

Yes it is an easier life at the teen years - it certainly isn't with three under five, as others have pointed out.
Personally I couldn't do it. I've only got two and am desperate to get them back to nursery and school and Monday morning and get some time to concentrate on my own work. But I fully admire every woman who does this, and I see men diminish and undermine that work everywhere and it makes me furious

Oh come he bought her a dress! Surely that makes up for his vile behaviour?? Because he’s really sorry to lose his skivvy and emotional support at home

Except she’s also looking after her parents and has a bad back, so it may make no sense to go back to work just now, especially if they are comfortable on one income. Also after such a long time out if your career, it takes time and effort to build it back up, and I doubt the man will sacrifice his own career for hers so it will probably be some menial job that she can work around everything else. Did they actually discuss it though and think of a way it may work?

Buying a dress was not a great idea as you now realise.
You need to think realistically about how you can change and talk to your wife at length. Lay out your current circumstances, emphasising the positives of your family life together, and how it could improve more if you change your behaviour. Then lay out how all that would change if you separate (eg distraught children who will never forgive either of you, finances of running two homes). Try and persuade your wife to reconsider and give you a chance.
Changing one's own behaviour is not easy so you do need to be very committed to seeing through any changes you are willing to make.
Perhaps also consider couples counselling.

Are you sure she's not seeing someone else?

His justification for punishing his wife seems to be his agreement on how THEY chose to bring their own children up.

Every home has it's own unique situation, comparing like for like is rediculous.

He has openly admitted to abusing his wife for two years, I should imagine the truth is slightly longer.

And still being affectionate to your children throughout this period, (showing her you were capable of love and not just depressed) essentially scapegoating your wife, shows you were capable of using others to destroy your wifes mental and physical health.

Yes. Worth mentioning how this is also involving the children in an abusive dynamic. Scapegoating and sidelining their mum, making them take sides in Daddy's war against Mummy. You will have done a lot of damage to not only your wife's mental health, but to your children's.

Honestly I'm surprised so many on this thread can't see through the words of an abuser. It's important to remember that actions speak louder than words. Words are cheap. Treating his wife like dirt is the fruit by which we can know OP.

He has openly admitted to abusing his wife for two years, I should imagine the truth is slightly longer.

Yep. I wish the wife had posted here instead.

Buying the dress was a massive mistake on my part, I wasn’t trying to push things forward, paper over cracks or make amends. She has been so upset I just wanted to do something tiny to give her 1% happiness
She appreciated the effort but it’s going back to the shop, I think wearing it would forever remind us both of this moment

Others have said I have been emotionally abusive by ignoring her feelings and our relationship, I hadn’t considered this, am I really one of those men?
Im certainly guilty of being hurt and emotionally closed off, isolating myself and hiding from my feelings.
I can see how this has hurt her and caused so much anger in her but that was never my intention, it wasn’t deliberate, I’ll admit to being selfish and not seeing it from her perspective
If only we had talked like we are doing now 6 months ago

She really is a great person, every single one of you would love her!

I’ve told her that if I love her as deeply as I claim to, then I will support her decision to leave.
We are mature enough to sort out finances, children and logistics without bickering

I appreciate all the advice on here, even the harsh words that I need to hear and consider

Its not easy to admit my failures and faults but I’m owning my mistakes

She isn’t career oriented or money driven, she’s easy going and happy
She doesn’t want to work as it would hurt her back.
We can cope financially on my income, just with limited luxuries and a basic holiday e.g. camping

When the children were younger we both worked.
I would never belittle a man or a woman who wanted to be a stay at home parent, I would have loved the opportunity to do so but we needed my income to live so it just wasn’t feasible