I’ve never felt such heart aching pain

[Viscera]

I’m not sure we can get past this and it’s all my fault

I’m 47 and my wife is 45, we have three early teenage children who we both adore and have put before our own needs, she is a wonderful mother and has told me the same as a father.
But we have ignored our own relationship issues and never spend time together alone.

I have a senior management role, it’s hard, often complicated stressful work.
My wife did work pre-children but doesn’t now as she has a bad back and also supports her parents (early 70’s) navigate life. I love them too they are great people.

In the last 18 months I began to get resentful of her life where she has the freedom to come and go as she pleases during the day, I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time) paying all bills, taking responsibility of finances, remortgaging, budgeting etc. In my mind I was providing and she wasn’t ‘doing’ so my resentment increased.

I didn’t see the emotional support she tried to provide as important and thought it was just words.
I’m a doer and she is a talker but with a depth of emotion and empathy I just don’t have, she is wonderful.

I shut myself down emotionally, what little I have, but continued to parent and I think that’s what has broken her, to see that I can love unequivocally, hug, kiss, smile with our kids.

I’m rambling, my head is all over the place.
She took her rings off 10 day’s ago and has told me, through honest tears she doesn’t love me anymore, needs space.

I’ve rejected her so many times through stress, resentment and personal unhappiness, her hugs, affection, attention.

For the first time in 20 years I’ve opened up to her, to someone!
It’s illuminating rather than a relief, I know what we could be and I am excited… but it’s too little too late… I’m almost sure.

She has asked for space and I’m trying but in my heart I know it’s too late.
I’d swap a lottery win for her.

This has been so hard to type out and admit .

^ ignore the stupid typos and duplicates , hopefully my post still makes sense

I feel some posters here just come on as man haters . If the tables were turned they would give very different responses and I've seen plenty of women on here bemoan being the main or sole breadwinner feeling resentful get a huge amount of support . Some responses here are just unnecessarily nasty .

FEIW I think it's understandable how you have arrived at this point . You have both had enormous pressures on you , career and long hours and your wife with demanding caring pressures . She has asked for time and space and I would give it but ask first that you both sit down , listen to each other's viewpoint , agree that you've both been absorbed with your individual pressures and decide how things could be done differently. Eg could you hybrid work from home a couple of days to be around when the kids come home ,
Have a plan so when she has her quiet space she can think about whether these new found commitments could work . The problem would be if she says she no longer loves you as that's something that can't be forced .
Good luck OP

Usual son response that - I have elderly parents, one has a year to live, one has Alzheimer’s but I ring them once a week so I’m a great son, doing my bit you know.

I want to scream off. I am your wife, I have a brother like you, thank god my DH is the man that keeps telling me to pack work in because “you have done more than your share and you deserve it”.

@Viscera, you haven’t cherished your Wife. You created so much distance between you by resenting her, devaluing her loving efforts, and rejecting her affection/attention while withholding yours. Saying you ‘missed the signs’ of her pain is disingenuous, as you were choosing to hurt her. You never expected her to actually draw a line.

Despite stressors, you’re warm and interested in your children…and I assume you show kindness and respect to your friends and colleagues. Yet you felt validated by depriving your W. In her shoes, I’d have wondered if your head had been turned.

I imagine she is very concerned about your children being exposed to this unhealthy relationship model, which they could emulate in their future relationships.

@Viscera, she’s asked for space so give her that. No more gifts or pick-me-dance. Consider seeking individual counseling for support and coping strategies, and to examine why you felt validated by making your Wife feel so small.

I have also said very publicly I would be a stay at home dad given that chance

With three early teens you must have had 3 under.5 at some point. I bet 1000 pounds you wouldn't actually have wanted to be a SAHD then. Because it's incredibly hard. Much harder than 50 hour weeks. And shopping is a lovely break. We call those talks, "baby avoidance" tasks. I'm curious how you cook for everyone if you do 50 your weeks. I mean when do you all eat? Surely when the kids were younger you would both have had to cook.

And buying a dress? Let you tell you a little story. About 30 years ago I did some work experience on a building site. I was 15 and I think the only girl (or woman) the builders had ever worked with. I grafted and spent my time getting on with everyone. At the end, my gaffer acknowledged my hard work and said, "I want to get you something... ummm a dress?" hopefully. I thought at 15, "blimey, he doesn't know women does he?". That a married father of 3, middle aged and married a couple of decades would think a dress fixes his two years of emotional nonsense is beyond me.

My suggestion, get counselling for yourself. Suggest counselling for you both. It's useful whether you are together or apart. Be honest. Stop with the platitudes about how wonderful she is and how you think she's blah blah blah. Neither a pedestal or a purgatory is what she needs. Honesty. You don't actually really properly value her role. Not really. Or you would have the last two years. So say so and let her decide on the true state of things.

I feel some posters here just come on as man haters

I know there are always these comments. There are two things that are interesting:

1. Most of the women who are harshest, me included, have incredible men in their lives. Warm, strong, caring, hard-working, sharing men. I love mine a great deal. That's why we have no time for the other sort.

1. The entire internet is built for and by men. There are a thousand places OP could go for "what a fucking bitch, you're better off". I can reel them off if that's what he wants. However he's here. MN has a different perspective. You don't get "you go girl" nonsense here. But you do get a tough and harsh view of what women think without it being dipped in sugar. That's valuable.

Op I suggest you give her space but also try and remain open for when she wants to talk. You have behaved in a way that has hurt her deeply.

But I do also get how resentment creeps in when you are the sole earner. It’s not easy, but just like being a sahp is not easy and resentment creeps in there too. It’s far too easy to very slowly shut down, when you are so unhappy. I have had times when I have only had enough left in the tank for the kids. Especially, when other life events have floored me.

But when I was a sahp, there was times I felt the same too. Having done both, I can honestly say neither is harder or easier. It’s different. And while teens needs less hands in parenting, they need different support and care, which itself can be exhausting.

It’s really easy for people in a relationships to look at each other’s life and be envious of it. When you then throw in one person emotionally withdrawing from the other it’s really hard. But I don’t think it’s impossible to reconnect. It really depends on wether it’s gone to far to come back from. But only she will know that. And she may not know for a while. So give her the space she needs, but think about what the things you did when you were first together, that showed you loved her. You may not get chance to do these things. But it’s got to be worth reminding of yourself of things you did that made her feel loved, just incase she is willing. Then do those things. Not in an overly dramatic or intense way. For example, if it’s buying her flowers with a heartfelt card, don’t do it every day. But just occasionally. I hate being bought flowers, but do get that people who like them, often like them because it shows the person has thought about them during their day.

Make the gestures genuine. Not repetitive like you are doing it because you had to. But most importantly you need to learn to not shut down. Even if your wife can’t move forward with you. You need to learn to not shut, someone you live out because of how you feel about something external. It’s not easy. I don’t think I have learned that fully yet, even though I am working on it.

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

Precisely this

I knew this chap would get the usual MN pile on. Imagine if the sexes were reversed. The wife would get nothing but support 🙄

Such great harmony and balance that one of the two participants has imploded all your lives rather than tolerate the arrangement any more.

I wondered this too

Have we ignored our relationship issues or have you ignored our relationship issues?

@MrsTerryPratchett well said

I definitely think that some personal counselling would be really helpful at this moment in time. I think you need to prepare for the fact that this could be over and find coping strategies.

Life is hard when you have kids. I expect that she has spent a long time gathering the courage to really admit how she feels. Likely waiting until she feels the kids are at an age where a separation would be a feasible option as she has probably put their happiness and security above her own.
That will have been very hard for her.
I also recognise that things will have been hard for you too. Working long hours and missing the family dynamic as it strengthened around you probably led to a feeling of loneliness on your part. Likely you may have withdrawn and both of you internalised your feelings leading to a huge breakdown in communication.
Marriage counselling will probably be helpful to bridge that gap, but it may only serve to confirm to her that there is no way back from this so use it as a way to understand how to communicate better, how to parent better and what you both did that led to the current situation.

I am in this situation right now although issues with my husband stem from him being unfaithful. However the lack of communication and honesty afterwards reinforced that killer blow.
It has taken me a long long time to finally put myself first and admit to him how I feel. He is in shock really, he wants things to get better, but I feel it is too late. Its hard when he says he just wants to kiss me, or I mean the world to him.
Those are just words. He didn't show that with his behaviour over the years and it is only now that he senses I could actually leave that he wants to put in the effort.
I think you got complacent, looking back do you see how your behaviour may have impacted on her feelings for you, do you think deep down you assumed she would never leave so continued your role in the marriage.
Like others have said, women tend to take a hell of a lot until they finally break. And quite often it is then too late.
I am trying to go back to being friends with my husband as we get along great. He is sleeping in another room, we are trying to separate some areas of our lives, but we are also going for a weekend away (in a twin room) to build on that friendship. If it brings a spark back then great, otherwise hopefully it helps us both come to terms with things.

I really struggle with his tears, his desire to tell me how much I mean, that he can't live without me etc.
I feel the weight of what happens next is on me. I have spent so long putting the family first and instead of him finding a way to come to terms with this, I feel he is unintentionally (?) guilting me into the idea that his life will be over if we split.
I know if he said that he agreed with separation, we would take the leap instantly, but because he doesn't want to I flit between what is the choice I should make.

I know it's hard, but understand the pressure and guilt she probably feels right now. Maybe admit to her that you would rather not separate, but understand that it might be the best option for now. Give her validation in her current decision instead of making it hard for her to choose.
Maybe you will come back to each other, maybe not, but other people shouldn't define our happiness. You will be OK in the end.

Sorry for the waffle but it cuts close to the bone for me right now.
Good luck.

I think you’re getting an unfair response. It can’t be easy when one person has a really stressful job and the other parent stays at home. The children are teenagers. So no reason the wife can’t get a part time job. Why should one person shoulder all the financial responsibility when children no longer need childcare? I can imagine resentment will build very easily there and that’s not all the OP’s fault. Yes the wife is busy looking after elderly parents but my friend does all that, 2 children under 13 and a 30hr a week busy job. Not sure why everyone is making out the wife is entirely blameless in all of this like she’s had no choice but to be at home. Being at home all day when kids are in school gives you an awful lot of freedom. Yes there is ‘life admin’ to be done but many people do all of that and hold down full time busy jobs. Don’t see why this is all the OP’s fault the marriage has broken down

I do think the responses would be different if the sexes were reversed.

It does irritate me when posters dismiss or disparage the contribution to the household of a man who works long hours and earns well to support an entire family and enables the wife to SAH.

And sorry to disagree with the general consensus that all SAHMs work like donkeys what with all the housework, life admin, taxiing kids and buying presents which someone suggested unthread! Be real: someone who doesn't work and has NT/healthy teenage children and parents in their early 70s is not run ragged. They just aren't.

Having being in a very similar position to your wife OP, I would question whether your head got turned???
Did all these years of resentment build up to you being awful for the past two years or did something or someone else take your fancy, and that’s when you took it out on your wife?
I might be barking up the wrong tree here, but if your wife were to post on here saying her unemotional husband has become much more detached and resentful of late, I know what us MNs would be saying…….
Give her the space, dignity and respect that she deserves, suggest counselling and if you really want her back, you’re going to have to prepare for some graft.

I have broken her heart, that’s the hardest thing to deal with, that I’m responsible and have hurt her, my soulmate
I have admitted this to her
We didn’t ever argue just made sniping comments at each other
Its gone on so long

Sorry OP but this is pathetic. You treated your wife horribly and it never troubled you until she finally broke. I'm angry and disgusted on her behalf.

Do the right thing now. Respect her decision and be fair in the divorce settlement.

I definitely took her for granted and didn’t see what an amazing person she is

I don’t want anyone else and never have

The dress was a stupid decision on my part, it wasn’t a “look at me I’ve fixed things”… I just wanted to build a tiny bridge, reach out for a moment and stop her pain if only for few minutes
She looked amazing in it

Ooof

No, she is very sociable and has many school mum, lifelong and family friends who she connects with

I know, I wanted to hear some harsh truths so I can try to understand her an be more supportive if she lets me in

…as opposed to MN users?

She’s not your “soul mate.” How she felt didn’t matter to you in the least until there were real repercussions for you. That’s not how you treat a soul mate.

We have both put the children first to the detriment of our marriage and happiness

But I have shut her out and shown her zero affection which I’ve only just realised

Op I am going to say you have been extremely honest, and have reflected on your part in your marriage problems incredibly well, and you sound emotionally intelligent. I can hear the sadness in your posts, and the loss you are experiencing.

What you have described on here is an abusive marriage.

For years you have left her feeling unloved, ignored and an emotional isolation. In your own words you have described your indifference to her, or the while remaining in the marriage and expecting her to continue to play her part regardless of the pain she has been in. How have you let her suffer so long? Why at no point did you reconnect with the love you feel for her and show affection, love and kindness to her?