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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve never felt such heart aching pain

225 replies

Viscera · 14/10/2022 23:12

I’m not sure we can get past this and it’s all my fault

I’m 47 and my wife is 45, we have three early teenage children who we both adore and have put before our own needs, she is a wonderful mother and has told me the same as a father.
But we have ignored our own relationship issues and never spend time together alone.

I have a senior management role, it’s hard, often complicated stressful work.
My wife did work pre-children but doesn’t now as she has a bad back and also supports her parents (early 70’s) navigate life. I love them too they are great people.

In the last 18 months I began to get resentful of her life where she has the freedom to come and go as she pleases during the day, I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time) paying all bills, taking responsibility of finances, remortgaging, budgeting etc. In my mind I was providing and she wasn’t ‘doing’ so my resentment increased.

I didn’t see the emotional support she tried to provide as important and thought it was just words.
I’m a doer and she is a talker but with a depth of emotion and empathy I just don’t have, she is wonderful.

I shut myself down emotionally, what little I have, but continued to parent and I think that’s what has broken her, to see that I can love unequivocally, hug, kiss, smile with our kids.

I’m rambling, my head is all over the place.
She took her rings off 10 day’s ago and has told me, through honest tears she doesn’t love me anymore, needs space.

I’ve rejected her so many times through stress, resentment and personal unhappiness, her hugs, affection, attention.

For the first time in 20 years I’ve opened up to her, to someone!
It’s illuminating rather than a relief, I know what we could be and I am excited… but it’s too little too late… I’m almost sure.

She has asked for space and I’m trying but in my heart I know it’s too late.
I’d swap a lottery win for her.

This has been so hard to type out and admit .

OP posts:
ViolinPin · 15/10/2022 15:21

Buying the dress was a massive mistake on my part

No your mistake was pushing the abuse too far, abusers are not abusive all the time but you crossed over into the real you, consistently for two years, she cannot unsee this.

She really is a great person, every single one of you would love her!

Thanks for the heads up, I'm sure she is, all be it a shell of her former self. Is this another power trip, you 'championing' her again, are you allowing her some self respect now you have pushed her to the point of being broken.

You've found breaking someone so they are no longer useful isn't actually helpful to yourself, is it ?

Too late, you are not the one who can mend her now.

Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 15:27

Redburnett · 15/10/2022 15:01

Buying a dress was not a great idea as you now realise.
You need to think realistically about how you can change and talk to your wife at length. Lay out your current circumstances, emphasising the positives of your family life together, and how it could improve more if you change your behaviour. Then lay out how all that would change if you separate (eg distraught children who will never forgive either of you, finances of running two homes). Try and persuade your wife to reconsider and give you a chance.
Changing one's own behaviour is not easy so you do need to be very committed to seeing through any changes you are willing to make.
Perhaps also consider couples counselling.

For the first time in years we are talking openly and honestly
She is scared that I’m just saying things to keep our family together but I’m really not.

I don’t like the thought of using distraught children as a reason for her to stay, we need to love each other for this to work

I do feel different about myself and her, I can’t say I’ve changed because that comes with time and actions, I’ve been a complacent idiot and it probably is too late

OP posts:
Anydaynowonewouldhope · 15/10/2022 15:30

The problem with buying the dress was it thst you were trying to paper over the cracks - it’s that you thought it matters that she looks good.

i did a pretend throw up in my mouth at your comment about how she loooee really great in the dress

i imagine that at the moment she gives zero fucks that she looks pretty in a dress.

you are a man who thinks that one of the most important thing for a woman is to look attractive to a man.

honestly op you have so far to go before you can be a decent partner it’s not going fit work with her. Maybe if you do an ENORMOUS amount of work on yourself it might work with another woman in the future

i may be wrong - but I strongly suspect you also think you are wonderful and never sexist at work but all the women would roll their eyes about you

beastlyslumber · 15/10/2022 15:31

You have emotionally abused your wife and kids for at least the past two years, probably longer.

Of course she doesn't trust you. She's right not to trust you.

You need to let her go. Go and work on your own issues. Admit to yourself that you've abused your family. Work out why. Get some therapy. Commit to a code of conduct and behaviour that honours and respects others. Show by your actions that you have changed.

If you do all that, then maybe your wife will feel differently.

At the moment, all you're doing is using words (and shallow presents) to manipulate her into staying. She has no reason to believe that anything has changed.

Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 15:31

RedHelenB · 15/10/2022 15:05

Are you sure she's not seeing someone else?

I’ve asked her, she says no, I believe her

A few years ago she admitted to texting an ex and knew it was inappropriate, had his name saved on her phone as “J”

We got over that and talked it through

OP posts:
Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 15:42

Anydaynowonewouldhope · 15/10/2022 15:30

The problem with buying the dress was it thst you were trying to paper over the cracks - it’s that you thought it matters that she looks good.

i did a pretend throw up in my mouth at your comment about how she loooee really great in the dress

i imagine that at the moment she gives zero fucks that she looks pretty in a dress.

you are a man who thinks that one of the most important thing for a woman is to look attractive to a man.

honestly op you have so far to go before you can be a decent partner it’s not going fit work with her. Maybe if you do an ENORMOUS amount of work on yourself it might work with another woman in the future

i may be wrong - but I strongly suspect you also think you are wonderful and never sexist at work but all the women would roll their eyes about you

She has lost a lot of weight lately and is feeling great about herself
Had a clear out of her wardrobe and needs new clothes, I asked if we could go shopping together, I’d take a day off work and we could get lunch but she needs more time and space which I understand
It was a mistake getting her a dress, I get that now

OP posts:
TakeTimeNow · 15/10/2022 15:45

You are not listening !

Your wife is an empath and you are a n...
You are manipulating again, trying to find even more flying monkeys to agree with your narrative.

Let your wife go, but you won't will you ?

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 15/10/2022 15:45

My husband is flanneling me with talk and words and stuff - realising this doesn't make the hurt better.

My abuse has been going on only six months and we know it's completely due to his recent major operation - which sort of excuses all the behaviour. Only it doesn't.

My confidence is possibly now zero. I'm crushed and possibly depressed. I'm not sure that there is a way back. He's turned me into a nervous wreck.

I utterly resent being at the rough end of a man's mood - so can empathise with your wife.

mcmooberry · 15/10/2022 15:46

Have skim read the thread but I also think there's a lot of unhelpful unpleasant comments here.

I would feel very resentful indeed at working 50 hours a week and cooking and shopping if my DH was a SAH parent to older children! I think the mistake was how you let it build up rather than discuss it as it seems you only appreciate her now you are in danger of losing her.

I really hope you can come back from this and learn to appreciate each other again as I certainly feel you are doing your share here.

Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 15:48

TakeTimeNow · 15/10/2022 15:45

You are not listening !

Your wife is an empath and you are a n...
You are manipulating again, trying to find even more flying monkeys to agree with your narrative.

Let your wife go, but you won't will you ?

She a strong independent woman, not a tiny fragile creature
If she wants to leave she will, I don’t need to ‘let’ her do anything
I will be supportive if that’s what she wants however heartbreaking it will be to split our family up.

OP posts:
OhMerde · 15/10/2022 15:50

Viscera · 15/10/2022 15:42

She has lost a lot of weight lately and is feeling great about herself
Had a clear out of her wardrobe and needs new clothes, I asked if we could go shopping together, I’d take a day off work and we could get lunch but she needs more time and space which I understand
It was a mistake getting her a dress, I get that now

Show quote history

Shopping in no way makes up for years of benign neglect, withdrawal of affection resentment etc. The fact that you think it possibly might reflects pretty badly on you.

Musti · 15/10/2022 15:56

Viscera · 15/10/2022 15:20

When the children were younger we both worked.
I would never belittle a man or a woman who wanted to be a stay at home parent, I would have loved the opportunity to do so but we needed my income to live so it just wasn’t feasible

Show quote history

Who did all the childcare and housework when you both worked? I can guarantee that you didn’t split it fairly or you would have a lot more respect for her and what she does.

And if she has a bad back, she’s better off working than doing housework and looking after kids and parents. More likely is that from experience she can’t do both. But knows you’ll expect her to do both.

Anyway, you can try and convince a bunch of strangers with whatever but unless you are being truthful about what is truly the situation then nothing is going to be solved. And if I had finally decided to leave my husband after years of being unappreciated and then emotionally abused and neglected and he bought me a dress, that would 100% be the final nail in the coffin. How fucking pathetic.

MissingNashville · 15/10/2022 15:57

The more I read, the more suspicious I am. 🤔

BigFatLiar · 15/10/2022 16:07

In the last 18 months I began to get resentful of her life where she has the freedom to come and go as she pleases during the day, I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time) paying all bills, taking responsibility of finances, remortgaging, budgeting etc.

Perhaps you've focused to much on providing materially for
the family rather than being part of the family. If you're feeling like a slave to it it may be time to step back and change course even if that means downsizing. I suspect changing career path is more common for women than men but if you really don't like what your doing find something else. Even if you can't save the marriage save yourself and find another path.

beastlyslumber · 15/10/2022 16:12

I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time)

Except he was working at home for most of that time.

BigFatLiar · 15/10/2022 16:19

beastlyslumber · 15/10/2022 16:12

I felt like a slave, stuck at a desk 50 hrs a week (plus commute and not having family time)

Except he was working at home for most of that time.

In the office or at home, if its making you miserable it's all the same. It may be worse with working from home as there's no demarcation of home and office life.

He needs another job whether or not she stays.

beastlyslumber · 15/10/2022 16:32

It's no excuse for the way he's treated his family.

But the reason why I mentioned wfh is that it gives the lie to his claim that he was stuck at his desk + commute. If he was working from home, there's no commute, for a start.

BigFatLiar · 15/10/2022 16:44

beastlyslumber · 15/10/2022 16:32

It's no excuse for the way he's treated his family.

But the reason why I mentioned wfh is that it gives the lie to his claim that he was stuck at his desk + commute. If he was working from home, there's no commute, for a start.

I think what he's saying is he's a hybrid worker, part of the week at home part on the office. Those doing this still have the problem of commuting just not every day.

It is a problem in that we strive to provide materially and lose sight of what matters. I spent a lot of time travelling when the girls were little but realised I was missing out on being mum. I took a step back and down in salary to spend more time at home being mum. If he'd had a hard look at himself earlier he may have focused more on being a dad and husband even if it meant a smaller house, older car, no holidays etc.

Original poster
Viscera · 15/10/2022 16:45

beastlyslumber · 15/10/2022 16:32

It's no excuse for the way he's treated his family.

But the reason why I mentioned wfh is that it gives the lie to his claim that he was stuck at his desk + commute. If he was working from home, there's no commute, for a start.

Whether I wfh or the office I am still feel trapped at a desk, when I work from home I start earlier and finish later as there isn’t a commute

It is nice to be home when the kids get back from school

Ive never considered my behaviour as abusive, I’m shocked that it could be the case so posting here has been useful
Whether she stays or goes I need to change, be more open and considerate

OP posts:
Celarra · 15/10/2022 16:57

She really is a great person, every single one of you would love her!

You are over generalising and not listening or reading the room. Perhaps that is what you need to work on at home.

See, I wouldn't love her, she isn't very likely to be a friend of mine. We all hold down full time, senior positions, in stressful jobs, whilst looking after our DC’s and aging parents.
Some of us do it because we want our independence and are proud of our own achievements, some of us because we have no choice following a divorce. I don't think I would have much in common with your wife.

HaggisBurger · 15/10/2022 17:09

I’m sorry I’ve not read all the responses but feel some real sympathy for you. Tbh your situation feels quite like my own - the resentment my ex felt over the fact that he was the main breadwinner was so corrosive in our marriage that it was a significant factor in me ending the marriage.

In my case - I did work but not full time and not the hours my ex worked at all. But he entirely underestimated the additional mental load I carried in running essentially our whole lives. Let me tell you - he feels it now. Having to parent 3 young teens on his own half the time in a house that he has no idea how to maintain or run having never so much as touched thermostat or rung a plumber for 18 years.

Obviously I didn’t walk away from my marriage lightly and had been begging him to go to marriage therapy counselling for years. He only did it when I told him I’d reached the end of the road. Then the most important thing the v unconventional therapist told me that the one thing that kills the relationship is when either party doesn’t prioritise that relationship and the other over ALL ELSE. Even kids interestingly.

Men, he said, often check out over career. It’s an irreproachable “get out of jail card”. I’m not doing ANYTHING else to nurture my partner or my relationship but I’m providing. I need do nothing more. Typically, for a woman it can be prioritising children beyond all else.

I think you can save this but you need to start getting honest with each and focusing on your relationship as the most important thing. Now you’ve nearly lost it - you might now see that it is. Good luck.

Thereisnolight · 15/10/2022 17:33

I do just wonder about you buying her a dress.
Normally people buy their own clothes (and rarely a dress unless there’s a specific holiday or night out coming up).
Also when she lost weight you suggested going shopping with her.

Is she in charge of her own spending money or does she have to ask you to buy her clothes?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/10/2022 17:45

MissingNashville · 15/10/2022 15:57

The more I read, the more suspicious I am. 🤔

Moi aussi.

My chin is getting itchy.

BigFatLiar · 15/10/2022 17:46

Is she in charge of her own spending money or does she have to ask you to buy her clothes?

Depends on your relationship. OH often comes with me, I value his opinion plus I like his company.

ViolinPin · 15/10/2022 17:47

Thereisnolight · 15/10/2022 17:33

I do just wonder about you buying her a dress.
Normally people buy their own clothes (and rarely a dress unless there’s a specific holiday or night out coming up).
Also when she lost weight you suggested going shopping with her.

Is she in charge of her own spending money or does she have to ask you to buy her clothes?

Yes it's strange.

Have you been punishing her and berating her because of weight gain and now she has lost weight are rewarding her with the gift of a dress to please you.