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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and his messages

313 replies

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:30

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

OP posts:
WhenDovesFly · 12/10/2022 13:37

YANBU OP. I wouldn't accept that. Banal chit chat occasionally might be ok, but the daily good morning/night, with kisses, the flirting and innuendo, that's not acceptable. As for the comment that your DH thinks he and she are more than friends??? Did she respond to that one?

I'd be packing his bags too.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:43

I wouldn't mind the chatting but it's the kisses in the end every message.
Morning and night is everyday "night night sweet dreams xxx"

He had something and said friend and she had put something about how rude just a friend and he put you know we are more than friends she laughed and said "finally you see the light" or something

The most recent innuendo was in response to her saying some like "I beg you to put me out of my misery" and his response was "if you were on your knee begging I wouldn't be putting you out of your misery" Envy (he shows me know affection definitely doesn't speak or say things like that to me )

He thinks I'm over reacting and it's innocent banter

OP posts:
jastine55 · 12/10/2022 13:45

That's out of order and you aren't over reacting.

It's not a good sign that you're rarely mentioned in their chats either.

Wibbly1008 · 12/10/2022 13:46

He would be out of there. With all his shit in a bin bag. YANBU.

Aggypanthus · 12/10/2022 13:47

Putting myself in your position and if this were me and I saw messages like this on my bloke's phone, there would be hell here tonight. His feet would not touch the ground on his way out and his bag would hit the back of his head. I am not a violent person.

FizzyFucker · 12/10/2022 13:47

Don't let him minimise this, you are not overreacting.

Topgub · 12/10/2022 13:48

If you're over reacting he'll be ok with you sharing the messages with the rest of the friend group/her oh

Wibbly1008 · 12/10/2022 13:49

Don’t forget to forward the texts to her husband. Then they can both be homeless together tonight.

Badger1970 · 12/10/2022 13:49

That's so disprespectful of him and her. Not something I'd be able to see past.

It's building the blocks of an affair.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:49

@FizzyFucker he says it's banter between 2 friends and this is the reason I don't have because I am dramatic and embarrassing.

@jastine55 I have only been mentioned when he's moaned about me or when I saw her the other day and he messaged to apologise for my apparent behaviour towards her

OP posts:
jastine55 · 12/10/2022 13:50

She's a bit of a snake if she's messaging you separately as well.

Suggest the three of you set up a group chat as it will be easier for you all to share info.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/10/2022 13:50

She is no friend of your marriage but it's he you want to get angry with. I would now ask him to go and stay at his mother's; you need time and space away from him.

I would call this an emotional affair; he does not think he is cheating because nothing physical (yet) has happened. This is NO reflection on you as a person; this is all on him.

I do not think he would be at all forgiving, thinking he was overreacting or calling this "banter" if the shoe was on the other foot.

You may well want to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Also read Chumplady.

jastine55 · 12/10/2022 13:50

What was your supposed behaviour to her @morningskye76 ?!

hoorayandupsherises · 12/10/2022 13:52

It's at the very least an emotional affair and him dismissing it when you confronted him is not a good sign.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/10/2022 13:53

he messaged to apologise for my apparent behaviour towards her

He's desperate to keep her sweet for some reason. Sorry, OP, emotional affair at the very least. Flaming hell, a partner who apologised for me to anyone would get an earful.

Aggypanthus · 12/10/2022 13:53

OP, Much as you want to blame her, it is your husband who is at fault here.

Topgub · 12/10/2022 13:53

So instead of being remorseful and upset at the hurt he has caused he is attacking and blaming you?

Yeah your relationship is over

Boomboom22 · 12/10/2022 13:55

She is not your friend or she would have told you when the messages started in a secret separate chat.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:55

@jastine55
I had shown her some stuff I had got for the house and was telling her about work etc

OP posts:
Albgo · 12/10/2022 13:56

Are you sure they aren't meeting up behind your back too? The tone of those messages screams affair to me.

TimetoGoTed · 12/10/2022 13:56

Does her husband know?

Hugasauras · 12/10/2022 13:56

He's having an emotional affair and is now gaslighting you.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:57

He has said it's no way an affair and that they never see each other (as my attitude doesn't allow it apparently)

OP posts:
Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:57

I meant he says they are just really good close friends nothing else

OP posts:
jastine55 · 12/10/2022 13:58

Really feel for you @morningskye76 as been there myself. He's blaming it on you, making up stuff in his mind about you so that he can justify his flirting.