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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and his messages

313 replies

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:30

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 12/10/2022 14:52

Why would you look at his phone and how do you know the PIN to access it?

3ShotsOfEspresso · 12/10/2022 14:53

Your husband can get right in the sea. Arsehole.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/10/2022 14:53

It's the absolute definition of an emotional affair OP- doesn't matter if he believes there is such a thing or not- having been there it's just bloody awful and disrespectful- I personally found it more upsetting than if they had shagged someone as a one off on a night out if drunk!

AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 14:54

Hbh17 · 12/10/2022 14:52

Why would you look at his phone and how do you know the PIN to access it?

Christ almighty, that's your take away from all this? .........

StaunchMomma · 12/10/2022 14:55

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 14:19

I haven't spoken to her. I cannot bring myself to to be honest.
He seems to think me saying anything will embarrass myself more than anything.

She seems to know my husband better than I do

He doesn't think this at all, he's just desperate for you to not out him as the slimy git he is.

This is how bullies behave, OP. They threaten others into behaving in ways that protect their image.

Pack his bags, fuck him off and tell EVERYONE what he's been doing.

It's a real shame you didn't screenshot those messages!

Houseplantmad · 12/10/2022 14:57

And how do you think her partner would respond? And the friendship group? You know YANBU.

JanesBond · 12/10/2022 14:59

He seems to think me saying anything will embarrass myself more than anything

Just say 'OK then, I'm an embarrassing person'

Same if he say's you'll be embarrassing yourself if you speak to her husband. 'OK, I'm an embarrassing person'. And do it anyway.

DarkShade · 12/10/2022 15:01

Don't contact her, no need. You don't need evidence, you don't need to see the messages again, you know what you saw and he can't convince you otherwise.

Leave him OP, you deserve better. Do you have children?

This: "He called her his person" is all the information you need.

Relevanceiskey · 12/10/2022 15:02

Crikeyalmighty · 12/10/2022 14:53

It's the absolute definition of an emotional affair OP- doesn't matter if he believes there is such a thing or not- having been there it's just bloody awful and disrespectful- I personally found it more upsetting than if they had shagged someone as a one off on a night out if drunk!

^ this 10000%. Tell me, what else would have to be in those messages for it to be classed as an emotional affair? I would absolutely rather my husband go and get his rocks off to a randomer one night than find these messages on his phone. I hope you are OK

Coffeeandcake15 · 12/10/2022 15:02

He’d be packing his bags, it’s an emotional affair at the minimum and totally disrespect to you, his wife.

longtompot · 12/10/2022 15:03

What would his reaction be if he saw messages like that from a male member of your friendship group? I bet he would jump to the same thoughts as you.
Whether they are having an affair is by the by, it's an emotional one which is sounding like it has potential to become a full on affair.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:03

@DarkShade they said it to each other and that they are each others person etc.

I think it's because they haven't said they love each other etc

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 12/10/2022 15:03

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:03

@DarkShade they said it to each other and that they are each others person etc.

I think it's because they haven't said they love each other etc

He's disgusting.

JaNaJanice · 12/10/2022 15:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

tootiredtospeak · 12/10/2022 15:05

Great idea about the group chat. Tell him if it's all so innocent to add you to their chat and er bloke and share history. If he wont he is doing something wrong and he knows it.

DarkShade · 12/10/2022 15:05

I'm sorry @morningskye76, I think that 'you are my person' is the same as saying that they love each other. Your husband knows this, he is trying to turn this around on you because he really has no defence. Either way I think you deserve much, much better. You deserve to be with someone who thinks that YOU are their person.

akabluebell · 12/10/2022 15:05

It might be forgivable if he came clean apologised and said he'd overstepped and it wouldn't happen again, but he hasn't.

What do you feel Op?

JaNaJanice · 12/10/2022 15:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:06

@Relevanceiskey
I always thought that sleeping with someone else would be worse but this is awful.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 15:08

DarkShade · 12/10/2022 15:01

Don't contact her, no need. You don't need evidence, you don't need to see the messages again, you know what you saw and he can't convince you otherwise.

Leave him OP, you deserve better. Do you have children?

This: "He called her his person" is all the information you need.

and apologised to her for the OPs behaviour, such disloyalty

xogossipgirlxo · 12/10/2022 15:08

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:06

@Relevanceiskey
I always thought that sleeping with someone else would be worse but this is awful.

Of course, it is. Knowing your husband might be sitting next to you but thinking of her 😥I don't think I would get over it. He just keeps blaming you.

PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 12/10/2022 15:10

Stop expecting him to validate your feelings over his behaviour. Get legalled up and cut it off at the head. It's over.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:10

I don't know who started the messages. At first look I thought that he was rebuffing her but it seems he's just as bad if not worse.
I did think that the whole your my person was a type of I love you thing but it was said so casually.

He's said in message did wouldn't actually do anything physical because of the kids but he's thought about and the little comments. And the fact it looks like he has so much affection and respect for her

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 12/10/2022 15:12

You have nothing whatsoever to be embarrassed about.
He is just trying to close you down and shut you up.
Does she have a partner or husband? Sorry if you have said.
Thing is their relationship is conspiratorial with nicknames, innuendo and such like. You need to be mocking and bloody angry. This is an affair and you deserve better. Lead him to believe you have lot more information than you have.
I am angry on your behalf. Twat.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 15:13

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:10

I don't know who started the messages. At first look I thought that he was rebuffing her but it seems he's just as bad if not worse.
I did think that the whole your my person was a type of I love you thing but it was said so casually.

He's said in message did wouldn't actually do anything physical because of the kids but he's thought about and the little comments. And the fact it looks like he has so much affection and respect for her

Because of the kids but not you? That's horrible.

Your partner considering another woman other than you "their person" is nearly worse than saying they love them as well, you could potentially love more than 1 person but saying your my person is very specifically saying the only one kind of a thing.

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