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Original poster

Husband and his messages

313 replies

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:30

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

OP posts:
Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:13

@xogossipgirlxo
That's exactly it.
I'm questioning everything regarding her.

He made a big thing of us going to see them Xmas Eve last year and getting all the kids together.

And yet when we are all together they act that nothing going on.

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 12/10/2022 15:13

'Because of the kids'
What an ego boost for you.... not because of my dear wife and the fact I am married...
Gah.... want me to boot him in the knackers?

MeridianB · 12/10/2022 15:14

You are not imagining this - the updates make it even worse.

He's already into the DARVO (chose this link at random: www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/)

I'd suggest popping round and see her and her husband without warning and ask her to explain but you'd only get denial and 'don't be so silly'.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 15:14

Stomacharmeleon · 12/10/2022 15:12

You have nothing whatsoever to be embarrassed about.
He is just trying to close you down and shut you up.
Does she have a partner or husband? Sorry if you have said.
Thing is their relationship is conspiratorial with nicknames, innuendo and such like. You need to be mocking and bloody angry. This is an affair and you deserve better. Lead him to believe you have lot more information than you have.
I am angry on your behalf. Twat.

She doesn't need anymore information than what she already has though, that's much more than enough imo

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 12/10/2022 15:14

It's an affair even if they both deny it's physical. They want it to be and if there was an opportunity they would be having sex.

Definitely pack his bags, see a solicitor and get your financial ducks in a row.

VeridicalVagabond · 12/10/2022 15:16

She's a snake and he's something that will probably get me shouted at by the powers that be if I type it out.

Ask him if he'd be ok with you talking to another man about giving him a blow job, see how light hearted banter it is then. Ugh.

My blood is boiling for you OP. Chuck him, and ditch the serpent "friend" as well. And forward all the messages to her husband just for good scorched earth measure.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:16

She is also married. We went to each others weddings.

I know you can love more than one person but reading the conversation that I can see it's like a love of a lifetime.

The little in jokes, nicknames, personal details etc
Even things I didn't even know until recently. Any news and he tells her and vice versa. Always joking about when they are old and end up as roomies

OP posts:
BowiesJumper · 12/10/2022 15:16

They will try and gaslight you/deny it. Shame you didn’t take photos with your phone (to show her husband) they’ll have deleted them now. But at least you know the truth, and as he’s not acting with any contrition at all, you’ll have to decide whether you can live with that in your relationship or not. I know I couldn’t.

LoisLane66 · 12/10/2022 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BadNomad · 12/10/2022 15:17

There was another thread recently with a DH messaging a female friend. They didn't say "I love you" either. It was some shit like "I...you know...you." And she would respond with "I...you know...you too."

"You're my person" is the same thing.
Code words. Pet names. Secret meanings. Whatever. It's just silly bullshit cheaters do to make things not seem as bad in their minds, and it also gives them the ability to say when confronted, "no, I never told her I loved her."

ClawedButler · 12/10/2022 15:18

He does know it's wrong:

  • If it was fine and dandy he'd be happy for it to be made public
  • If it was fine and dandy, you too could do it and he would be fine with it
  • Equally, the OW could be doing it with someone else, and he would be fine with that too
He doesn't want it to come to light:
  • So he'll make you doubt yourself so you don't say anything
  • So he'll convince you you'd be making a fool of yourself, so you don't say anything
  • So he'll make out that you are irrational, so you don't say anything in case everyone agrees that you are mad
Things that are just his opinions, and emphatically NOT facts:
  • There is no such thing as an emotional affair
  • You are unworthy of his attention and affection
  • His standards for acceptable behaviour in a marriage are carved in stone and univerally acknowledged and should apply to you too
  • You can't decide what is and is not a deal-breaker for you

You do not need his permission to end the relationship.
You do not need his permission to feel anything in particular.
You do not need his permission to talk to others about what is happening.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:22

@BadNomad it was only said once or twice but it stood out completely. I was floored by it.

He isn't overly affectionate anyway so what he says to her blindsighted me tbh.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 15:24

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:22

@BadNomad it was only said once or twice but it stood out completely. I was floored by it.

He isn't overly affectionate anyway so what he says to her blindsighted me tbh.

What are you going to do?

Stomacharmeleon · 12/10/2022 15:24

Tell her husband. See if he shares in their 'your my person' stance. I am betting he won't.
And he is trying to emotionally black mail you with talking about the children and Christmas etc.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:26

I don't really speak to her husband if I'm honest. We all get on as a big group but he rarely joins in etc if that makes sense

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 12/10/2022 15:28

He has been awful.

He doesn't need to believe in emotional affairs, the label doesn't matter. He has behaved in a which you find unacceptable and it has forever changed your opinion of him as a husband. You dont need a discussion with the woman or screen shots. You know what you saw and you think of him differently now.

He may be able to repair that, but doesnt sound like he is trying to make it right, just trying to say it wasn't wrong.

2bazookas · 12/10/2022 15:28

Just get hold of his phone, contact her on his whatsapp and say "Morningskye has found out about us and is going to tell everybody including your husband ".

Regularsizedrudy · 12/10/2022 15:29

Have you posted about this before? There was another tit wank thread..

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:29

No I haven't.

OP posts:
DarkShade · 12/10/2022 15:32

ClawedButler · 12/10/2022 15:18

He does know it's wrong:

  • If it was fine and dandy he'd be happy for it to be made public
  • If it was fine and dandy, you too could do it and he would be fine with it
  • Equally, the OW could be doing it with someone else, and he would be fine with that too
He doesn't want it to come to light:
  • So he'll make you doubt yourself so you don't say anything
  • So he'll convince you you'd be making a fool of yourself, so you don't say anything
  • So he'll make out that you are irrational, so you don't say anything in case everyone agrees that you are mad
Things that are just his opinions, and emphatically NOT facts:
  • There is no such thing as an emotional affair
  • You are unworthy of his attention and affection
  • His standards for acceptable behaviour in a marriage are carved in stone and univerally acknowledged and should apply to you too
  • You can't decide what is and is not a deal-breaker for you

You do not need his permission to end the relationship.
You do not need his permission to feel anything in particular.
You do not need his permission to talk to others about what is happening.

This is great advice. The whole 'you are so embarassing' stuff is just his pathetic attempt to stop you from speaking to anyone and acting on this.

You do not need his permission to end this relationship. What you have discovered is enough, and he knows it.

reesewithoutaspoon · 12/10/2022 15:32

At the very least this is the build-up to an affair. Only lack of opportunity has stopped this from becoming sexual. they are dancing round each other testing the waters and I bet the first time they are alone together maybe had a little drink you can bet this would cross into physical territory.

The fact that she's the first person he is turning to tell his news, the pet names, the in-jokes. You do this with someone you are interested in.
At the moment it's exciting for them both.

It might not be physical, but it's a betrayal.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 12/10/2022 15:33

I’d text her back and ask why she is a 2 faced bitch ?
Then you need to delete and block her as she is no friend. I’d pack his bags too. Get copies of the messages .

FortunesFavour · 12/10/2022 15:33

Oh naff off @LoisLane66. The OP’s posts are perfectly comprehensible.

Your time would be better spent working on your own reading comprehension if you’re struggling, rather than kicking the OP while she’s down.

Righthandcider · 12/10/2022 15:35

FortunesFavour · 12/10/2022 15:33

Oh naff off @LoisLane66. The OP’s posts are perfectly comprehensible.

Your time would be better spent working on your own reading comprehension if you’re struggling, rather than kicking the OP while she’s down.

Well put. (Also, @LoisLane66 , your own posts would be clearer if you didn't use 'which' when you mean 'that'.)

Lu901 · 12/10/2022 15:36

Yeah you can't really work on this when he doesn't see it as a problem and willing to gaslight you in the process.

I would have spoken to the 'friend' by now to at least make her sweat about it.

Now he knows you seen those messages noway you going to be finding anymore.

What a knob