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Original poster

Husband and his messages

313 replies

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:30

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

OP posts:
Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:37

I was tempted to message her but she is the type to brush it off and laugh.
She would deny it. She's always been really nice. Always helped out and come to the rescue a few times.
She once even called him out on his attitude of front of everyone ( this was pre covid and I don't think it had started then)

OP posts:
Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:38

I haven't seen his phone since and he's turned off the sound

OP posts:
Wotrewelookinat · 12/10/2022 15:38

You are not over-reacting. At all. Sorry this has happened.

quietnightmare · 12/10/2022 15:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gaslighting

SunshineLoving · 12/10/2022 15:40

That's an affair if I ever saw one. They might not have been physical but it's still an affair. Those things aren't messages you send to a friend.

Don't let him gaslight you.

Topgub · 12/10/2022 15:40

Don't message her.

Do tell your oh to leave

Do tell family and friends the reason why

Purplefoxes · 12/10/2022 15:41

Sorry OP that's an affair to me. Screenshot all the MSG's on his phone if you can or at least the incriminating ones especially with innuendo and what they want to do to eachother. There is no reason for him to delete them is there it is all innocent as he claims so no reason he should have a problem with you doing this. Then kick him out whilst you decide what you want to do. And show her husband as he deserves to know what's going on. Not only as he done this but he is showing zero remorse! He should be grovelling to you and saying he made a mistake. Instead he is almost blaming you for getting in the way if his sordid little affair. Actions speak louder than words. He is angry he got caught and I don't think he has any respect for you right now. But he might start to think about what he could lose and get his head out of the clouds if you kick him out so he gets a rude awakening from his comfortable life with side piece. You don't have to do anything else just take some time and space to see how you feel. I'm sorry you are going through this, I don't believe in a moral compass in any man anymore, if they smell sex they will do anything to get it, like dogs!

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:41

I have to be honest this has made other odd things make sense l.

He made a mutual friend apologise to her for accidentally ignoring her at a function

OP posts:
OopsAnotherOne · 12/10/2022 15:41

OP - You are not over reacting AT ALL.
This would be a relationship ender for me, 100%. He is emotionally invested in this woman and you know it, he knows it, he's just taken the "deny 'till you die" stance so he doesn't have to admit to being unfaithful.

Whether they've slept together or not, he's already implied to her that he would want to if he didn't have the kids (no mention of the fact that he shouldn't because he's MARRIED!)

He also calls her his "person". You know as well as I do that he can play it down as much as he wants, but calling someone your person is a special term of endearment. Anyone with a partner who refers to "their person" is talking about their partner, and if they're not, they bloody well should be.

What he is doing now is gaslighting you. Trying to make you doubt yourself so much that you genuinely believe that him messaging this woman, flirting with her, making sexual comments etc, it's all fine and normal. Do you think if he found the same evidence on your phone, of you speaking to a man in the same way, he would be as understanding as he expects you to be? I somehow doubt it.

Personally if it was me, I would get copies of the messages and show her husband so he can also be aware of what is going on and can act accordingly - I wouldn't want to be an accessory to anyone's dirty little secret and if I were him I'd appreciate being told the truth so he can make future decisions with a clear head. I would also want to make sure that she knew I knew, I couldn't keep their secret for them.

HOWEVER, I am not you, and these things are easier said than done. You need to take some time to decide what you want to do, how you want to deal with it and where you want to go from here. Whatever your partner says trying to minimise or deflect, ignore him. You know deep down that what he has down is unfaithful and deceiving, he has been having an emotional affair. It is now up to you to decide how you want to proceed and he no longer holds the cards. Whatever you want to do, you can always discuss it here.

Moveoverdarlin · 12/10/2022 15:42

I would go to her husband’s place of work without warning or go where you know he is and tell him everything you have seen and have a candid discussion. Blow the thing up, your DH is taking you for a mug, he will tip of the OW and they will be lying low on the messages. Then tell your husband what you’ve done. He deserves to be shitting himself. See how it pans out over the next few days and either pack his bags or never see the other couple again. Tell your friendship group what they’ve been up to on WhatsApp and watches the two CFs squirm.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Everybody else was able to understand her posts perfectly well, maybe your reading comprehension isn't so good?

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:44

He also sent her photos. Some inappropriate some not.

OP posts:
Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:46

Luckily I have a few friends IRL that aren't that friendly with her so I know I will have support here.
I don't think many will believe me as their reputations go above and beyond if that makes sense.
To everyone they seem like great helpful people always going to help someone etc

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 12/10/2022 15:47

It's just getting worse. You are better than him . I know you are scared to full on confront him and possibly end it cause your worried he will just run off into her arms. But to be honest it would do you a favour. You need to lay the cards in the table and take charge. Explain to him you have seen it all and it is cheating, he can brush it off and so can she as a joke but it's pathetic and week and it changes your viewpoint on him. If he wants to throw away his relationship and kids for her then carry on you are a strong woman and don't need this rubbish so he can either brush up not off or get out. Take a stand he is just going to keep gaslighting you. Op don't let this so called man destroy you

MeridianB · 12/10/2022 15:47

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:44

He also sent her photos. Some inappropriate some not.

In what way inappropriate? Naked?

I am tempted to agree with @Moveoverdarlin amd blow it up. Unless you think time would be better spent quietly getting finances sorted before kicking him out.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:47

I have told him to go stay with other friends/family whilst I sort my head out and decide.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 12/10/2022 15:48

Sorry. He's disrespectful and untrustworthy. I doubt this is what you signed up for.

And now he's trying to play it down. I'd ask him to leave. Or make plans to separate from him if it's his house.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:48

Yes and underwear etc. I didn't see any from her

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 12/10/2022 15:48

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:47

I have told him to go stay with other friends/family whilst I sort my head out and decide.

Good for you that's amazing. That's a bold move well done

JaNaJanice · 12/10/2022 15:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 15:49

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:47

I have told him to go stay with other friends/family whilst I sort my head out and decide.

How did he react to that?

ZaphodDent · 12/10/2022 15:49

He will be messaging her, warning her what's happened. She'll be panicking and deleting messages, hoping you don't tell her husband.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 15:49

He said he would welcome the break from me. From what I got he's said I am "on one" again

OP posts:
Purplefoxes · 12/10/2022 15:50

quietnightmare · 12/10/2022 15:39

Gaslighting

Show quote history

Absolutely, and worse it is patronising and belittling you! He has embarrassed himself by playing away!! You've done zero wrong except discovered his yucky behaviour. This is trying to manipulate you into doubting yourself so you won't talk to her/her husband. Because he is scared his little bubble is about to burst. He thinks there is still a chance he can manipulate you so he can carry on as if nothing happened having his cake and eating it! I would break that idea quick. I would go thermonuclear on him.

Oh and the other woman is not nice by the way. Nice people don't flirt or conduct emotional affairs with married men!

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 12/10/2022 15:50

well done

if it weren't so sad it would be funny that he thinks he can say he "doesn't believe in" emotional affairs so he can't be having one, I don't believe in gas bills - does that mean I don't have to pay them?