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Original poster

Husband and his messages

313 replies

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:30

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 13/10/2022 12:04

Oh no im so sorry you have this going on it must be a terrible shock for you. It does seem like an affair (even an emotional affair) you need to sit him down and tell him your not happy with this. Also tell her husband he also has a right to know. This must be awful for you to digest your head will be spinning. Take your time perhaps a break away from each other - he has to decide whats more important to him having her in his life daily or having his family - he can't have both. Yes it may only be an emotional affair (because it's secret that makes it emotional affair & his head is full of her not his wife). Read up as much as you can, get evidence & see where you stand legally. Best of luck to you

pocketvenuss · 13/10/2022 12:39

morningskye76 · 13/10/2022 11:34

Well it turns out they have been in daily contact since at least before covid ( by that I mean the daily messages etc.) Even when she wasn't in the country.
She apparently started the inappropriate conversations although I doubt it.

This has come from someone who apparently knew they were speaking the whole time. And had seen them in the local town more than once.

Ok so full blown affair then

Original poster
morningskye76 · 13/10/2022 12:45

I just keep being told they are good friends.

He even told her that they are just close good friends.

OP posts:
RequiemForAcat · 13/10/2022 12:47

morningskye76 · 13/10/2022 12:45

I just keep being told they are good friends.

He even told her that they are just close good friends.

Seems to me they’ve gone way way beyond the boundaries of being “just friends”

pinkpanel · 13/10/2022 12:48

morningskye76 · 13/10/2022 12:45

I just keep being told they are good friends.

He even told her that they are just close good friends.

You don't have inappropriate conversations and send naked selfies to a friend.

It doesn't matter if he days she's a friend or not. It's irrelevant what he says. I'd still dump regardless of why justification he tried to come up with

Bunnyfuller · 13/10/2022 13:00

I am so angry for you op. When the shock passes, you will be too. I think I’m more angry with his fucking tired predictably banal behaviour at being found out than what he’s doing. Utter fucking stereotypical little coward hasn’t got the balls to admit his wrongdoing. Get the locks changed, sweep the accounts, and tell people. Tell everyone.

Topgub · 13/10/2022 13:06

@morningskye76

It doesn't matter what he's telling you now.

You saw the messages.

You know how he reacted when you confronted him.

It doesn't sound like he even likes you.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

TimetoGoTed · 13/10/2022 13:13

I don't understand. Who told you this about them being friends?

How would any partner not know their husband was hanging out with someone unless it was being kept secret from them?!

He is playing you for a fool. I hope you have notified her husband.

cosmicbabe · 13/10/2022 14:10

Not sure I understand why you are still questioning everyone. Pretty clear from what I'm reading what's going on. Dump him. Move on.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 13/10/2022 14:23

They were meeting for coffees and lunch pre covid.

It was from a mutual friend

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 13/10/2022 14:27

Which would probably have been fine if you knew about it. The fact its all been kept from you is screaming affair.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 13/10/2022 14:28

He used to say he saw her in town etc but never that they spent extended periods of time together

OP posts:
Crimsoncupcakes · 13/10/2022 14:39

You’re putting way to much importance on his words . Look at what he’s doing not what he’s saying , until you do that you’re going round in ever decreasing circles .

EndlessMagpies · 13/10/2022 14:51

If this mutual friend knows, then chances are that other people know (or suspect as much) too, and it will come as no surprise to them when you kick this unspeakable man out.

I'd be sending a message to her cuckolded husband, telling him that his wife and your husband have been having a 'close' friendship for well over two years. Tell him that you found messages between them that detailed the nature of their closeness, and that someone else has now told you they saw them out together on more than one occasion.

Poor bloke. Although, it is possible that he might have suspicions in the back of his mind anyway.

cc1997 · 13/10/2022 14:57

morningskye76 · 13/10/2022 12:45

I just keep being told they are good friends.

He even told her that they are just close good friends.

Why are you still even speaking to this idiot? 🙄

missmamiecuddleduck · 13/10/2022 15:20

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Flowers

Something very similar happened in my marriage.
It was like a switch flipped in him and from then on he just saw me with contempt like I was an enemy.
He also insisted his online chats were banter and I was mean and controlling and wouldn't allow him to have friends. Gee, I don't discuss oral sex with my males friends!
There wasn't anything to save at that point. He'd done nothing wrong according to him. and yes, the talking to friends to get in first how I was crazy and he was a victim.
So it ended. The most difficult part was the contempt he had for me. We'd been together so long and suddenly I meant nothing at all to him.

Lu901 · 13/10/2022 17:08

At this point does it really matter?

He's made you out to be the bad person when he should of owned up to mistakes and cared how you felt.

It's him who has lied and shown naked pics along with the 'you are my person' aka I love you.
Along with the gaslighting even if this was purely platonic friendship he would have said he was hanging out with her and invited you along sometimes not brought it up maybe once as if he bumped into her in town, he's been crafty about this but at the end of the day you saw those messages.. the line has been crossed.

You don't talk to friends like that..

DaughterofDawn · 13/10/2022 17:18

Crimsoncupcakes · 13/10/2022 14:39

You’re putting way to much importance on his words . Look at what he’s doing not what he’s saying , until you do that you’re going round in ever decreasing circles .

This right here. His words are lies and mean nothing and only exist to further confuse you. His actions are the truth. Look through what he is saying. Listen to what he is doing. That is the truth.

TooHotToTangoToo · 13/10/2022 17:28

Sounds exactly like the situation with my now ex dh.

Was speaking to a work colleague, I found messages, daily messages, 100s of them. He convinced me it was just friends, then admitted he'd met her a few times, then admitted they'd kissed, but only once, then 3 years later, 3 hideous years later, I found out (because he'd been bragging to mutual friends when pissed) it had been a full on physical affair.

Cut your losses op and dump his sorry arse. He's not even sorry about it all, and would rather put his relationship with this woman, whatever relationship it is, above the well-being of his wife!

Purplefoxes · 13/10/2022 17:56

EndlessMagpies · 12/10/2022 21:53

Oh - so he's getting his version of the story in first, is he?

Show quote history

Exactly @EndlessMagpies . @morningskye76 he is now even trying to gas light and manipulate friends to believe his version of events. Very much a panicking guilty party thing to do and it's also emotionally abusive. He's trying to limit the damage he knows is coming because of his actions and lay the blame on you. He's probably told them you are crazy, accusing him of things not true, not to believe anything you say etc. The friend has said they don't want to get involved. Which quite frankly probably means they are a lot wiser and know there are two sides to any story. And his is as old as time, husband cheats on wife with younger women..he is sooo transparent to everyone else, what a fool! And anyone who takes his side without hearing yours frankly is no friend at all. I would just keep your dignity to be honest. That's the best revenge together with living your life. Putting him out on his ear says it all, people can put two and two together themselves, they know t doesn't happen for no reason! Tell the husband however as I do think he deserves to know and anyone not involved with him who can be your support such as your friends and family.

Purplefoxes · 13/10/2022 18:03

Purplefoxes · 13/10/2022 17:56

Exactly @EndlessMagpies . @morningskye76 he is now even trying to gas light and manipulate friends to believe his version of events. Very much a panicking guilty party thing to do and it's also emotionally abusive. He's trying to limit the damage he knows is coming because of his actions and lay the blame on you. He's probably told them you are crazy, accusing him of things not true, not to believe anything you say etc. The friend has said they don't want to get involved. Which quite frankly probably means they are a lot wiser and know there are two sides to any story. And his is as old as time, husband cheats on wife with younger women..he is sooo transparent to everyone else, what a fool! And anyone who takes his side without hearing yours frankly is no friend at all. I would just keep your dignity to be honest. That's the best revenge together with living your life. Putting him out on his ear says it all, people can put two and two together themselves, they know t doesn't happen for no reason! Tell the husband however as I do think he deserves to know and anyone not involved with him who can be your support such as your friends and family.

Show quote history

Also to say by doing this he's still not showing remorse is he? It's not looking good for you taking him back. All he can think about is himself and his feelings. That he desparately doesn't want to feel the discomfort of having to admit he is not a good person..right now that is more important to him than the fact that he has devastated and shocked you, the women who has stood by him, probably done all the household drudgery for him and more. Also he has put himself first over his kids..can't remember how old they are but if living with you could mean a lot of upheaval for them.

Literally he is a selfish prick. He should be grovelling to you, if he valued his relationship and his kids over himself and his grotty needs.. I'm so sorry OP but he is not a good person.

MsDogLady · 13/10/2022 18:25

MorningSkye, any reputable counselor would identify the following as infidelity:

H and OW have been in constant secret contact for years and have met up for lunch and coffee dates. She is his ‘one and only’ and vice versa. They are in each other’s heads the first thing in the morning/last thing at night. They share a physical attraction, deep intimacy, and emotional reliance. They engage in sex chat. He hesitates to have in-person sex because of the children. He’s had mentionitis at home and has pushed for family get-togethers whenever possible to be in her presence. He has and continues to treat you with utter contempt and disrespect.

Of course he knows this isn’t a platonic friendship, but he’ll never admit that now. He’s scrambling to protect OW and their affair, as well as his image. But you know the truth. Besides, hasn’t he already told OW that they are more than friends?

I wouldn’t listen to his garbage, and I’d use primarily email to made contact arrangements for the children. He’s cooked his goose and has to deal with the consequences of having destroyed his marriage.

DaughterofDawn · 13/10/2022 18:35

MsDogLady · 13/10/2022 18:25

MorningSkye, any reputable counselor would identify the following as infidelity:

H and OW have been in constant secret contact for years and have met up for lunch and coffee dates. She is his ‘one and only’ and vice versa. They are in each other’s heads the first thing in the morning/last thing at night. They share a physical attraction, deep intimacy, and emotional reliance. They engage in sex chat. He hesitates to have in-person sex because of the children. He’s had mentionitis at home and has pushed for family get-togethers whenever possible to be in her presence. He has and continues to treat you with utter contempt and disrespect.

Of course he knows this isn’t a platonic friendship, but he’ll never admit that now. He’s scrambling to protect OW and their affair, as well as his image. But you know the truth. Besides, hasn’t he already told OW that they are more than friends?

I wouldn’t listen to his garbage, and I’d use primarily email to made contact arrangements for the children. He’s cooked his goose and has to deal with the consequences of having destroyed his marriage.

This comment made me want to add that as someone who was in a long distance relationship virtual sex can be and is very intimate and I would say it is just as much of a betrayal as physical sex. The only difference is that STDs and pregnancies can’t be passed around with it. It is because of this experience that I would never forgive webcam girls or virtual chat sex. I would personally treat it as if they had had physical sex.

MsDogLady · 13/10/2022 18:44

Absolutely, @DaughterofDawn.

DaughterofDawn · 13/10/2022 19:29

morningskye76 · 13/10/2022 12:45

I just keep being told they are good friends.

He even told her that they are just close good friends.

Maybe he was telling his version of the truth. They are just close good friends but he conveniently forgot to add the “with benefits” part when he explained that to you. 😒