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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and his messages

313 replies

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:30

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

OP posts:
Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 14:24

She had said delete messages when he had mentioned a t w** (don't want to say it on here) so you can get the jist if the messages

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 12/10/2022 14:25

However you want to try to frame this, it's an emotional affair.

If it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, it's a duck.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/10/2022 14:25

Stickmansmum · 12/10/2022 14:03

Omg, hiding in plain sight. He’s horrible, using your personality to gaslight you about this. He has no respect.

Seriously pack his bags. And no need to be anyway polite to the woman either, she’s a snake.

This. What a bastard. I would be getting rid

JaNaJanice · 12/10/2022 14:25

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Topgub · 12/10/2022 14:26

I wouldn't care if they denied it

Chuck him out and tell everyone why

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 14:27

He's refused to acknowledge the existence of a emotional affair. Says they don't exist.

It's very out of the blue as he's usually portrayed as a moral compass type of person

OP posts:
SirBlobby · 12/10/2022 14:27

Gross man, sexual flirting and testing /prepping for an affair. Get rid of both of them.

Happymama24 · 12/10/2022 14:29

You are not going to embarrass yourself. Stand up to his behavior and show them you have more self respect than allowing them to carry on like this.
She is no friend of yours. A friend wouldn't behave this way with your husband

pinkycatmum · 12/10/2022 14:29

This is a terrible betrayal OP. I wouldn't be able to forgive this. I would want both of them out of my life.

blacksax · 12/10/2022 14:34

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 14:19

I haven't spoken to her. I cannot bring myself to to be honest.
He seems to think me saying anything will embarrass myself more than anything.

She seems to know my husband better than I do

You won't be embarrassing yourself.

Contact her and tell her you have seen all the messages. All of them. Tell her you know everything, and if she doesn't leave your husband alone, then you will be telling everybody what they have been getting up to behing your back.

That should put the wind up her good and proper.

And before you send her that message, gather as much financial and other information you possibly can that you have access to, especially any joint bank accounts, savings, his pensions etc. You might have to act quickly. It is not unknown for men to just walk out and clear all the money out of accounts and you need to be prepared for that.

Original poster
morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 14:34

It's definitely not been physical as they have even commented that it hasn't been.
It's mostly been what he would do to her and how when they've seen each other when I'm there etc he's "noticed" her of that makes sense

OP posts:
Sharonsmith69 · 12/10/2022 14:34

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MiniCooperLover · 12/10/2022 14:35

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 14:27

He's refused to acknowledge the existence of a emotional affair. Says they don't exist.

It's very out of the blue as he's usually portrayed as a moral compass type of person

Oh OP it's nearly always the 'moral' ones who are fucking about. And he clearly is! Stop listening to him and get rid of him.

EndlessMagpies · 12/10/2022 14:36

@Sharonsmith69 You need to start your own thread.

Sharonsmith69 · 12/10/2022 14:38

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greystarblanchard · 12/10/2022 14:38

Topgub · 12/10/2022 13:53

So instead of being remorseful and upset at the hurt he has caused he is attacking and blaming you?

Yeah your relationship is over

This!

AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 14:39

Whether it's gotten physical or not, it is an affair and disgustingly disrespectful. Does she have a husband/partner?

The fact that he's not even sorry and is trying to gaslight you about it makes it 10 times worse too.

cc1997 · 12/10/2022 14:39

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 13:57

I meant he says they are just really good close friends nothing else

Don't be a mug xx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/10/2022 14:41

He's taking you for a mug.

"Not just friends" are three words you really do not want to hear in a marriage. Do not let him take you for a fool here.

JaNaJanice · 12/10/2022 14:41

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AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 14:42

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Ok Vicky

BadNomad · 12/10/2022 14:43

I hate people like this. They think just because they haven't physically slept together, it means they are not doing anything wrong. They are. But they'll probably never accept that because then they would have to admit to being horrible partners and friends.

wineNcheeseifYplease · 12/10/2022 14:45

Don't worry about whether he considers it an emotional affair, is this a deal breaker for you? It would be for me, and many others.

Whatever his intent towards this "friend" (and I think we all know what that was/is) he is being totally disrespectful towards you and is showing no contrition for the hurt he's caused.

Workawayxx · 12/10/2022 14:45

He's being a gaslighting twat. Maybe suggest you'll have a similar "friendship" with another man and presumably that would be fine with him?

I think you need support from people IRL (i know how easy it is to be loyal to the cheater and keep quiet). do you have someone you can stay with for a bit? I wouldn't let him sweep this under the carpet or he'll keep the contact with her and just be more secretive about it.

DoItAfraid · 12/10/2022 14:49

morningskye76 · 12/10/2022 14:27

He's refused to acknowledge the existence of a emotional affair. Says they don't exist.

It's very out of the blue as he's usually portrayed as a moral compass type of person

@morningskye76 you dont need his acknowledgement or confirmation. You know what you read. Don’t wait for him to sign off your decisions - he is dishonest, disloyal, dismissive and a poor partner to you. That is enough for you to base your next steps on.

Waiting for him to miraculously grow a conscience will only leave you stuck and in pain.