Husband and his messages

[morningskye76]

Hello

Long time lurker.

We are WFH atm. Husband left phone in kitchen to deal with the car yesterday.

(Bit of background
Large friend group, all in relationships/married. )

He received a WhatsApp for a family friend and I opened it expecting the usual, as she contacts us both.

Turns out there is dozens of messages daily going back months.
Mostly day to day messages all ending with "xxx". Good morning/night messages daily from both. Messages full of innuendo and flirting.
One even says he thinks they are more than friends.
He compliments her and tells her everything (even things I wasn't really aware of)
Nicknames for each other (never heard/used them)
Pictures (from him not her)

I'm barely mentioned. Although they both ask about each others children.

I've questioned him about it and he says I'm over reacting.
She is 15 years younger than both of us. But they are both very similar in hobbies and interests etc.

AITA for packing his bags

He's turning it all round on you. DARVO. Not a nice way to behave when his actions have upset you, the person he loves.

just..really..good..friends...nothing.. else..
Six words too many.

They are both utter scum. Get rid of both and tell her husband why.

I'd be kicking him straight out the door and if anyone asked why, I'd be showing them the messages. Did you take any pictures of the messages between them? That isn't a way you speak to a friend, no matter how good/close they are.

Why don't you send the messages to her husband and see if he thinks you're being 'dramatic'.

It doesn't matter if he says it's not an affair. Of course he's telling you that.

I agree, look up DARVO.

Omg, hiding in plain sight. He’s horrible, using your personality to gaslight you about this. He has no respect.

Seriously pack his bags. And no need to be anyway polite to the woman either, she’s a snake.

He's deflecting and blaming you so he doesn't have to face up to his shitty behavior.

He is in the wrong and knows it. Don't let his words get to you, everything he is saying to you is bullshit to get him out of his lies and make you question yourself. This is very abusive.

You deserve better than this, pack his bags and kick his ass to the curb.
Don't bother with her, she is not worth your energy or time.

Don't forget to tell your husband that you're going to do it - if it's all fine then obviously he'll have no problem with you telling the woman's husband.

Yep. If it’s not harmful, he won’t mind her husband knowing.

So disrespectful! I wouldn't accept this at all in my relationship

Gaslighting at its finest. I'm sorry OP but by my books I would feel cheated on for those type of messages. What do you feel you want to do? I think you are well within your rights to offer an ultimatum in this situation. It's either he cuts off these messages with her preferably any relationship with her at all or he leaves. He's not even apologising, he is gaslighting you

You are not overreacting and your DH is gaslighting you by trying to pretend this is fine/normal.

He is minimising. I would be terribly hurt. It is an emotional affair and it is only opportunity and fear that has stopped it developing further.

I'd say you are telling her husband and make my final decision on how public I went with it on his reaction

She did ask if I (or anyone) knows he messages her.
He responded that no one knows and doesn't need too.

It's the nicknames that really upset me. Stupid I know. But he's never been the type to give names of that makes sense.
He seems more interested playful and funny in his messages.

He called her his person etc.

I love him but cannot forgive this

He is literally gaslighting the fuck out of you. Get pictures of the messages.
my husband would be out instantly. Don’t be a fool.

To be honest his attitude and behaviour towards you doesn’t sound very good in general from the few things you have said here.
no affection
dismissive
critical

With that background it doesn’t seem a wise position to accept his texts with her as an extension of a simple friendship. At the very least he is getting his kicks emotionally and flirtatiously. They are building up to it all slowly as the stakes are high and they know it but it’s very clear what they age both thinking.

it would be more than enough for me to end it with him sorry to say. I know that’s hard though.

Just to add to the other voices here, you are definitely not overreacting. I would be hurt too. This is most definitely an emotional affair. Have you called your 'friend' out on her behaviour?

His behaviour to you sounds shitty anyway, OP, so you may want to reassess why you love him.

You’re not overreacting. These messages are deeply inappropriate and they both know it. That’s why they’re private. They’re both getting off on their secret flirtation. The fact that he only mentions you to complain about you is just more disloyalty. But I agree - if he thinks they’re fine, suggest they be shown to her partner.

@morningskye76 what a bastard. Out he goes and share the messages (if you didn’t grab them/forward them they’ll be gone and he will NEVER leave his phone unattended again.

same as you, the nicknames are hurtful and reek of a closeness he hasn’t bothered building with you. Usual MN advice, quietly get finances etc in order….

I haven't spoken to her. I cannot bring myself to to be honest.
He seems to think me saying anything will embarrass myself more than anything.

She seems to know my husband better than I do

Why would it embarrass you?

He's the cheating prick.

As is she.

He is shitting himself incase you tell her oh.

All the more reason to.

I didn't get copies of them so I think they will deny it.
He had told her to delete everything before so I think it's been going on a while