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Original poster

Blindsided by message

203 replies

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 09:07

I had two amazing dates with a guy who is now working abroad in various countries for a few months. He left about three weeks ago and calls or texts me everyday. On the weekends more as he’ll often call me when he’s had a few to drink.

He plays his cards quite close to his as do I but earlier this week we talked about me flying over to meet, he detailed the dates and countries he’s going to be in and said if I let him know when I’m coming he’ll take time off work. He also said how well matched we are and that he feels he can be himself when he talks to me, that I’m ‘solid’, he knows he can trust me and he has no red flags about me. I said the same about him. It was great as I felt both of us were allowing our guard down a little.

Friday afternoon he calls me for a chat, nothing out the ordinary, he just called for chit chat. Then yesterday morning I wake up to this message:

I’m going to sign off for a while.
I really need time to think about my future, if there is one.
I feel too connected to back home.
Work wise I’m not in a good place at all.
I need time out.
I promise it’s not to do with you, I really just need time to be present here and where I am, hope you understand

He’s going to call me this morning to explain. I’m bloody heartbroken which is ridiculous, but he has been such a big part in my life over the time I’ve known him, we talk for hours sometimes. He is always the one to call me (something he did mention when he was a bit drunk), so it’s not as if I have shown myself to be needy or a drain on him.

I feel so disposed of and confused based on our previous conversations and have no clue what to say to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 09:09

Can I add, we’ve been talking for over two months.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/10/2022 09:13

You have to wait for him to call and then have a discussion

Cattytabby · 09/10/2022 09:13

You went on 2 dates and were going to go abroad to see him? I honestly think you should look for other options. He is now sounding complicated and hard work and you do not even know him. Messages do not mean anything. Please do yourself a favour and move on x.

Catlover1970 · 09/10/2022 09:14

It sounds hugely disappointing for you. Sending hugs. See what he has to say … don’t feel disposed of until he explains x

Sago1 · 09/10/2022 09:14

Have you proof he is abroad, is he British, could he have MH problems?
Lots of questions.
I hope he has a good explanation for his behaviour.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/10/2022 09:15

But ultimately he seems to be saying it’s all too much for him right now and he doesn’t want the added pressure. But it could also be a line🤷‍♀️
have you ever met IRL?

Original poster
Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 09:16

@Cattytabby I travel a lot in my job, so jumping on a flight is no big deal for me and wouldn’t cost me anything.

OP posts:
goldfinchonthelawn · 09/10/2022 09:17

He sounds like he is struggling and the dates were a temporary distraction. Sometimes people with MH issues will create a glamorous idealised veneer for life with a new date and realise they can;t sustain it. Sounds like this might be the problem. I think he's been honest and it is very early days, so maybe just say you hope he can sort himself out and you don't want to complicate anything so will back away for now.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 09:19

Very intense for two dates.

It's only been 3 weeks (?), he was clearly caught up in novelty and excitement etc. He's now settling a bit more abroad and doesn't want to keep.uo this level of contact and intensity with someone who's in another country.

Also I suspect he's just met a local love interest.

RinseBlue · 09/10/2022 09:19

I think you got attached too quickly. I have done OLD and people do not show their true colours for a while. Obviously it was hard for you as he went abroad. However, he did sound a bit too good to be true ... and he was. He sounds flakey and chaotic and unreliable - not someone that I would be comfortable with now. I am not saying you have done anything wrong by the way. And I am sorry for the hurt Sucks when you were so happy xxx

AuntieDolly · 09/10/2022 09:20

Perhaps he's not really working abroad and doesn't want you to find out.

thesunwillout · 09/10/2022 09:20

Not surprised you're blindsided but hopefully he will call.
Best to sort this out now. Difficult situation with him having to go away so soon after you've met.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 09/10/2022 09:20

Sorry that you find yourself here. You have probably let yourself hope that this will be the start of something special. At least he has said he’s going to call and explain rather than ghosting you and you don’t have to say anything, just listen to what he has to say and if he asks anything of you (i.e. wants to keep you hanging on whilst he has space) then you can say you will think about it and get back to him if you need time to think.

In reality, he’s not shown you everything, you have seen him twice and the rest is almost a fantasy life, on the phone you can put on a front/performance. It sounds like he hasn’t behaved well and may have led you on, I have experienced the same thing myself. Men who withdraw once you start to believe that they may be serious about you. I am afraid that you may need to mourn what you wished might have been and chalk it up to experience.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 09:21

Oh sorry, hesbern abroad for 3 weeks now but you've been in contact for 2 months.

It still sounds like an intense honeymoon phase, followed by a reality check, in which he wants to focus on life (and probably dating) where he is, rather than having to be faithful to someone in a different country, who can only fly in sometimes.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 09:23

He doesn't sound like he wants or is capable of a distance relationship.

He also sounds a bit intense and flaky.

Ladybug14 · 09/10/2022 09:36

After 2 months he's messing you around? Why would you want that in your life?

AnApparitionQuipped · 09/10/2022 09:40

The explanation for this kind of behaviour is usually that he's met someone else.

Anniefrenchfry · 09/10/2022 09:41

Wow that’s so intense for two dates, the truth is you both showed red flags here, huge ones, in the way you both ran at it and were unable to manage this sensibly. I can’t believe you were willing to fly out to visit him. He’s done right to end it before you did that.

Etinoxaurus · 09/10/2022 09:48

It’s very intense for 2 dates.
However I’d be very alarmed about the MH of someone who wrote that message.
When he calls can you sound out what support he has? I’m sorry you’re in this position and generally I hate the concept of women as support animals for broken men but I’m struggling to see what protective factors he has apart from you.
Flowers

Noteverybodylives · 09/10/2022 09:51

I think it sounds very intense for only 2 months and I can’t believe you’ve only met twice!

I think he’s absolutely right that you both have a break from this as it’s just way too much.

End things amicably and carry on looking for someone else.
If in the future you both decide to start things up again then just take things a bit slower.

littleburn · 09/10/2022 09:52

That's really disappointing OP. It's very easy to be pulled in by the intensity of a 'relationship' that's new but feels very 'right'. It's also very easy for someone to project a very romanticised 'you're the one' intensity, especially via messages and calls, that they can't or don't have any intention of following through on.

At best he's very flakey and avoidant - texting and calling was fine, but you actually visiting got a bit too real. At worse you're dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies who got what they needed from you the last two months - the affirmation and ego boost of the messaging and calls - and now is discarding you because he's getting what he needs somewhere else. The somewhat dramatic messages that make this not about you and him but his 'situation' then leaves the door open for his 'situation' to improve and for him to come back to you as and when it suits him.

I'd suggest reading up on the idealise/devalue/discard narcissistic relationship cycle.

Watchkeys · 09/10/2022 09:55

I feel so disposed of and confused based on our previous conversations and have no clue what to say to him

Tell him that's fine. You don't have to say anything else to him.

Then take some time yourself to work out why someone you've only met twice has got so far into your heart that he could break it. Don't consider dating again until you've go that worked out, because if you do, you'll be letting yourself in for similar potential disappointments. You need to look after yourself better. Spend some time looking after your emotions: it's easier to do that without him around, so tell him it's fine, go and do what you need to do. Nothing conclusive, nothing dismissive, just agree with him. But if and when he resurfaces, I wouldn't go back. You're feeling disposed of and confused. That's never the start to a happy, healthy relationship.

SuperCamp · 09/10/2022 09:59

Way too intense for 2 dates.

Was he relying on you / clinging to contact with because he had no friends etc where he is working?

And now he does have…

MingoDringo · 09/10/2022 10:01

What does he mean, if there is one? He's not thinking of harming himself is it?

Punchline · 09/10/2022 10:17

Had a very similar experience but the guy did not work abroad. On our first date he was asking if we could meet up again the next day. One day he came to my work to take me to lunch and asked if we should meet up again in the evening. It felt amazing to have someone that wanted to spend so much time with me but that only made it harder when he out of the blue said he didn’t want to get tied down at his age.
Honestly I never have been that invested when dating after that as it took me a long time to get over him. Sure he’s a lovey guy but those kind of actions speak to someone’s character, especially as he sent such a message via text.