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Original poster

Blindsided by message

203 replies

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 09:07

I had two amazing dates with a guy who is now working abroad in various countries for a few months. He left about three weeks ago and calls or texts me everyday. On the weekends more as he’ll often call me when he’s had a few to drink.

He plays his cards quite close to his as do I but earlier this week we talked about me flying over to meet, he detailed the dates and countries he’s going to be in and said if I let him know when I’m coming he’ll take time off work. He also said how well matched we are and that he feels he can be himself when he talks to me, that I’m ‘solid’, he knows he can trust me and he has no red flags about me. I said the same about him. It was great as I felt both of us were allowing our guard down a little.

Friday afternoon he calls me for a chat, nothing out the ordinary, he just called for chit chat. Then yesterday morning I wake up to this message:

I’m going to sign off for a while.
I really need time to think about my future, if there is one.
I feel too connected to back home.
Work wise I’m not in a good place at all.
I need time out.
I promise it’s not to do with you, I really just need time to be present here and where I am, hope you understand

He’s going to call me this morning to explain. I’m bloody heartbroken which is ridiculous, but he has been such a big part in my life over the time I’ve known him, we talk for hours sometimes. He is always the one to call me (something he did mention when he was a bit drunk), so it’s not as if I have shown myself to be needy or a drain on him.

I feel so disposed of and confused based on our previous conversations and have no clue what to say to him.

OP posts:
cookiecreammmpie · 09/10/2022 10:22

I'd be backing off now. He sounds like he has issues going on which could ultimately end up causing you pain further down the line. Imagine of you'd been with him 2 years and he did this. You could still keep the lines of communication open and see what he has to say but without too much emotional investment.

Seaoftroubles · 09/10/2022 10:36

OP, getting over invested after 2 dates is way too intense. Long intimate phone calls whilst apart can build up a very unrealistic picture of a real relationship. Please read up on love bombing and future faking. Natalie Lue's Baggage reclaim will open your eyes to these patterns.

Original poster
Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 10:43

@Seaoftroubles there has not been any love bombing or future faking, I know all about that as has it before. He didn’t do any of that gushy full on stuff, quite the opposite in fact. That’s why I liked him, it felt natural - it wasn’t intense in that way.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 09/10/2022 10:44

By the time I got to the end of that I had almost forgotten you said it had only been two dates, it was only when another poster said that it clicked. I can understand your disappointment, but I expect this is really about a lost hope for a future rather than a true heartbreak. You can’t be heartbroken over somebody that you have met twice.

I wouldn’t bother speaking to him later, you have invested enough emotional energy into this already. No more now.

zonky · 09/10/2022 10:47

You sound emotionally overinvested.
Do you have a habit of getting overly attached to men?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2022 10:51

I would not entertain having a conversation about whatever nonsense he's going to tell you. You not even know him, anyway. I would send a text wishing him well and then I would block him.

UnityO · 09/10/2022 10:53

You've had 2 dates with this man! So you've only met him twice, right?

You're far too over invested and taking it too seriously imho.

2 dates in it should be fun, lighthearted and about seeing if you like each other enough for a 3rd date!

wormshuffled · 09/10/2022 10:54

I'm afraid I think he's not been honest about his life, wouldn't be surprised if he has made up all the travelling to make himself seem more interesting. Also wouldn't be surprised if he is married/significantly attached. Have you done any due diligence internet stalking?

beastlyslumber · 09/10/2022 10:54

Yeah, I would just send a text back saying, sure no problem. Good luck with it all and best wishes. Then block him.

You've only known him a few weeks and met him twice. He's probably met someone out there he wants to pursue. I'd just let him get on with it. All this intensity and drama so early on is a red flag.

OhMerde · 09/10/2022 10:56

God no, absolutely no chance. Don't bother investing more time in to this and wallowing in the what ifs. You're having a lucky escape from a guy who writes flowery shite like that. Just text back with something like, No problem, don't worry about calling later. All the best with work etc and hope it all works out for you. Take care. Then walk away with dignity and just move on. Don't get embroiled in his drama, real or imagined.

ThisShipIsSinking · 09/10/2022 10:57

He' s probably married, so convieniant for a married man to say he' s working abroad.

Noteverybodylives · 09/10/2022 10:58

it wasn’t intense in that way.

You’ve started a thread saying you’re heartbroken over a guy you’ve only met twice.

It’s been way too intense and he’s doing the right thing by backing off.

Lampan · 09/10/2022 11:02

I’d probably be upset and then angry that he had led me on like that. Though I agree with others saying it all sounds far too intense for 2 dates and a few weeks of messaging.
I’d like to have the strength to send a 👍 emoji and then not answer when he calls

greystarblanchard · 09/10/2022 11:04

Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 09:16

@Cattytabby I travel a lot in my job, so jumping on a flight is no big deal for me and wouldn’t cost me anything.

That’s not the point

Original poster
Palmtreesprings · 09/10/2022 11:05

In hindsight, heartbroken is the wrong word! I feel massively disappointed that I invested too much time and energy into this. I’m angry with myself and for thinking that he did actually like me.

I don’t tend to over invest emotionally at all. Quite the opposite. It just felt different with him, I can’t out my finger in why.

He’s definitely not married and he hasn’t made his life up. He is abroad and not hiding in his bedroom pretending his life is more interesting than it is!

OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 09/10/2022 11:06

You have met this person twice?

i had to re read that.

op - sounds as though he just thinks the same as a number of us on this thread - it was moving too fast and he’d like to stay a step back.

a sensible message he sent.

wait for the call and chat it through

Watchkeys · 09/10/2022 11:07

I feel massively disappointed that I invested too much time and energy into this. I’m angry with myself and for thinking that he did actually like me

So you're just pissed off with yourself, then? And that's how you feel?

Anniefrenchfry · 09/10/2022 11:08

I think thr issue is you are both a huge red flag individually and you can’t see it. The behaviour is needy and desperate. Clinging on to a stranger like this.

it’s good he ended it. As a pp said just text back and say sure good luck and enjoy the travels. Then block him. I think you need to take some time to understand your own behaviour.

what’s causing it, are you lonely, desperate to be in a relationship, something must be driving this? If you can understand what it is you can then try to work on that issue. This isn’t the way op

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2022 11:08

He’s definitely not married and he hasn’t made his life up. He is abroad and not hiding in his bedroom pretending his life is more interesting than it is!

He's definitely a flake, we know that. Stop caring about the why, because it doesn't even matter. Just block him and move on. Speaking to him again is just a waste of time and will be pandering to his ego.

Doingprettywellthanks · 09/10/2022 11:09

He’s definitely not married and he hasn’t made his life up. He is abroad and not hiding in his bedroom pretending his life is more interesting than it is!

I am curious how you can be sure adamant when you have met him… twice

DoingJustFine · 09/10/2022 11:12

I had two amazing dates with a guy

Focus on this, not the phone calls.

youlooklikeapenis · 09/10/2022 11:13

He's met someone else there. I wouldn't entertain his conversation or his shitty explanation. I would completely ignore him.

You don't need his bullshit after only a few dates and a few months in. He's not worth the mind games.

DoingJustFine · 09/10/2022 11:15

I don’t tend to over invest emotionally at all. Quite the opposite. It just felt different with him, I can’t out my finger in why.

You have a fear of commitment. It felt different with this bloke because his unavailability in person gives the relationship a built-in brake. That gave you the freedom to go all-in emotionally, thinking you were safe.

Doingprettywellthanks · 09/10/2022 11:18

Op you have started 3 threads on this relationship!!

both about how curt he is with his messages.

This really wasn’t the love affair of the century

Noteverybodylives · 09/10/2022 11:19

I feel massively disappointed that I invested too much time and energy into this.

It’s only been 2 months, not 2 years.

You met someone, had fun but didn’t waste years of your life - I would say that’s a win for you.

Not being funny but you don’t know anything about him and he may not have even given you his real name.
He may have been over here for work and has now gone home.

Don’t be angry with yourself.